Go Baby Grow

Chapter 12 – Encouraged

Monday, April 26th

"Hi, my name is Audrey and I'm an alcoholic," the meeting leader for the day stated as she began to comment on the topic of the day. Everyone greeted Audrey and she read, "From the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions: 'But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.' Comments?"

The meeting that morning was relatively small. Adam preferred the Monday morning meetings in the cozy church basement. In addition to fewer attendees, the setting by a fireplace was comforting. He knew that AA, even by its name, was anonymous. However, he always held a certain trepidation when attending a meeting. Taking a chance of running into someone from the base concerned him, but the crackling fire helped balance his fear.

Adam spoke up, "I'd like to share." Everyone glanced at him kindly and waited for Adam to continue. He lowered his head and exhaled slowly and loudly. "I'm Adam. I'm an alcoholic," he began. Everyone greeted him before he continued, "The other day, I completely lost it with my daughter. She's a great kid. Eighteen. I was lecturing her, and, honestly, she'd really screwed up. I was unhappy and disappointed. When she responded to me at one point, her tone and attitude were disrespectful. In our home, there's simply no room for that whatsoever. But, looking back, I was way too hard on her…" he paused to collect himself.

Amelia, who was finally feeling better, slid into one of the few empty seats in the circle with an apologetic grin. She sat across from Adam, who did not raise his head and did not see her. Hearing his words as she entered the doorway, Amelia's heart sunk. She considered leaving to prevent Adam from being embarrassed, but someone spotted her and motioned her over.

Adam's hands rested on his knees as he gazed at the floor. "I slapped her across the face. I was so angry with her. But the second my hand made contact, I was furious with myself. I have never struck either of my children in the 20 plus years I've been a parent. After she ran upstairs, I was so temped to go buy a half rack. God, I wanted to drown the memory out as quickly as possible." He paused then added to his sharing, "Twisted relationships, me being stupid and stubborn… today's message rings true."

Audrey gently thanked Adam for sharing and, as per AA protocol, nobody commented. Nudging the others, Audrey asked, "Who else has something to share?"

"Hi, I'm Amelia. I'm an addict," Amelia voiced. Adam's head pulled up quickly as he looked at his friend. Continuing, Amelia disclosed, "Our entire family spent the week at home. One by one, we fell victim to a horrible stomach bug. My baby - who is really the second oldest of six – had to be hospitalized. I was stuck at home and felt like a failure for not being at his side. My husband became impatient with me – he says I baby our second oldest. Honestly, he's right. I do. I'm terrified to see him go to college, and his big move is right around the corner. When my husband reminded me that our son is ready for the next chapter in his life, I flew into a rage and snapped at him. He stepped away calmly, saying something compassionate about how he didn't want me to use up my energy arguing and how we could talk more later. Sometimes I'm blown away by our partnership. The other day, I felt like I was the twisted one, the one who caused all the drama and hysteria. I fell into the trap of believing that I'm the problem in our relationship and he's perfect. Running away, hiding, denial… each option swirled in my mind."

The meeting continued with more sharing and with an announcement encouraging everyone to sign up to lead a future meeting or two.

Afterward, as people milled around and chatted, Adam approached Amelia. "It sounds like we've both had some rough times lately," he began.

"Truth," Amelia grinned before taking a sip of coffee. "How's Julie?"

"She's good. Ungrounded now," Adam nodded. "She's been civil and respectful… but she's been a little cautious around me. I hate that I brought that on."

"Ouch," Amelia sympathized. "I'm sorry you're going through that with her." Adam grinned in silent agreement before Amelia added, "Changing the subject… did you call Maggie Pierce?"

Chuckling with slight embarrassment, Adam confessed, "Not yet."

"Adam…" Amelia sighed with disappointment. "Why not?"

"I'm not sure I'm ready," Adam admitted reluctantly.

Amelia bit her lower lip and disclosed to her friend, "Years ago, my fiancé died. I was pregnant with our child. Moving on was phenomenally difficult. But I did it… and I'm so thankful I did."

"That's when you met Owen?" Adam followed up.

"Oh, no," Amelia chuckled. "That's when I met James. He asked me to marry him, I panicked and fled to Seattle. Then I broke up with James – I was terrified of commitment and didn't think I could handle motherhood and marriage. Owen…" she smiled, "he was the Chief of Surgery at the hospital. After a healthy dose of flirting, dating, breaking up, dating again…well, here we are, a little over 10 years later."

Adam grinned, "You always have captivating stories that leave me wondering, Amelia."

"If you had a life, you would too," she teased with a wink.

"Don't get me wrong," Adam pointed out. "Dr. Pierce… she's darling. Very attractive. Obviously a gifted doctor."

"She'll say 'yes.'" Amelia assured him.

Adam caught Amelia's eye and wondered aloud, "She seems a little young for an old widower like me."

"Nah," Amelia blew him off.

"I haven't dated since Claire died," he confessed.

"All the more reason to go for it," Amelia pushed. Adam flashed a smile and shook his head in disbelief.

Hoping to clarify his confusion, Adam continued, "When I met her in Ryder's hospital room, she said something about being Ryder's aunt?"

"Yeah," Amelia sighed. "My brother is married to her half-sister."

"Oh," Adam mumbled as he attempted to imagine the family tree and interconnections.

With a flirty tone, Amelia quizzed, "Are you going to call her?"

Glancing down at his feet, Adam attempted to hide his embarrassment. "Yes. I am."

"Great," Amelia celebrated. Adding encouragement, Amelia stated, "And hey… we've all lost it with our kids. Talk to Julie about it, Adam. She is incredibly mature and insightful. Give her room to share and then dare to open up to her. She can handle it." Adam grimaced thoughtfully, not sure if he would follow advice that ran so counter to his parenting style. At the same time, however, he felt as if he heard Claire speaking through Amelia's words.

~~~~~~~~`~~'

That evening, Adam paced in his bedroom. After a few minutes of attempting to determine what he'd say to Maggie, he gave up and forced himself to dial her number. His index finger was shaking as he pressed the numbers, so he inhaled and exhaled slowly.

"Pierce," Maggie answered with a nonchalant attitude. She failed to check the caller ID, assuming it was someone in the hospital. With her feet on the coffee table in the Attendings' Lounge, she was resting between surgeries.

"Dr. Pierce, Adam Caldwell," Adam introduced himself with a minute quiver in his voice.

She sat up and placed her feet on the floor, garnering the attention of Karev and Bailey. "Yes… hello," she responded.

"I hope I'm calling at a convenient time," he wished aloud as he paced and spoke.

"Now is… wonderful. It's the perfect time. A great time," Maggie babbled. "Fantastic, actually. No problem." Karev glanced at Maggie then looked at Bailey and let out a puff of air. He was unimpressed.

With a chuckle, Adam jumped in with both feet, "I'm calling in the hopes that you might be interested in having dinner with me."

"Sure. Yes," Maggie fumbled again. "Umm… but I'm working tonight until midnight."

"I just ate," Adam stated smoothly and in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Right," she stated as she blinked and explained, "My phone… I'm talking with you using my phone, but my calendar is also on my phone."

"Any night between now and next weekend works for me, except Monday. I have a meeting Monday night," Adam detailed.

"Can I call you back? I'll look at my shift schedule here and let you know," she requested.

Feeling defeated and sure she was blowing him off, Adam sat on the bed and warmly responded, "Of course. I'm calling from my cell phone. Is the number showing?"

"Yes, I see it right here," Maggie confirmed. "I'll call you back."

Adam fell onto his bed, positive he had botched his attempt. Line by line, he replayed the conversation in his head, overthinking each word he'd chosen.

To his surprise, Maggie called back three minutes later. He stood, jumping to attention without noticing, and answered, "Dr. Pierce."

"Hi," she hesitated, unsure if she should call him Captain or Adam. She took a chance, "Hi, Adam. I checked my calendar."

"Yes?" he replied, hoping she wouldn't say she was booked every night for the next year.

"My shift ends in the late afternoon on Friday. I could meet you here at the hospital at 5," she offered. "Or there are other evenings available too."

"1700?" he confirmed, having to translate the time into his comfort zone.

"Umm…" Twelve plus five equals seventeen, she processed. "Yes, 1700. In the main lobby? Here at the hospital?"

"I'm truly looking forward to it." Accustomed to having assigned uniforms for each event, he checked, "Coat and tie? Informal? What is your preference?"

I've never had anyone discuss dress code for a date. It's kind of cute… maybe a little strange, but in a cute way. Maggie suggested, "Kind of dressy casual? No blazer, maybe a tie. I'll… I'll plan on a nice dress but nothing too fancy."

"Maggie… I'm counting the hours. 1700 this Friday in the Main Lobby of Grey Sloan," Adam summarized with anxious charm. "I'll be the one waiting for a doctor."

"Me too," Maggie echoed before clarifying, "I mean, me too, I'm counting the hours. Not that I'll be the one waiting for a doctor. I'll be the doctor. I mean, in real life, I am a doctor… umm… Adam. I'll see you then," Maggie smiled widely, horrified yet thankful she stopped before spouting not pretend like playing doctor. She pulled the phone from her ear and smiled at it as she pressed the button to end the call.

"What are you smiling about?" Bailey inquired.

"She's got a date," Alex predicted. "Didn't you hear all that 'I can't wait… giggle giggle. I'll wear a dress…' crap? Look at the starry eyes." He took an overly large bite of his sandwich and tried to maintain a sarcastic grin.

"Shut up, Alex," Maggie protested.

Miranda giggled and weighed in with a smile, "Ooooohhhh, do you? Do you have a date?"

"Yes, I do." Maggie pressed her lips together and nodded before adding, "If you'll excuse me, I have a surgery."

As she departed, Karev called out with a laugh, "Remember to focus on the patient. No day dreaming about the hottie while you're in the OR."

Bailey, who was standing and about to the leave the room, hit his head with a rolled up file and huffed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'

Wednesday, April 28th

Like most evenings, the conversation at the Caldwell dinner table was scant. Even so, Adam's grin and relaxed presence intrigued Julie. Her intuition cued her curiosity.

"Dad?" Julie inquired.

He finished the bite he was chewing and swallowed it before responding. "Yes, Itsy?"

"You seem… I dunno… happy today," she commented as she searched for the right words. "You're grinning."

Regarding his daughter seriously, Adam's face was blank and expressionless. "I'm not allowed to be happy?" he asked with a chuckle.

"I'm sorry," Julie backed off immediately. She looked straight ahead as she placed a bite of food in her mouth.

"I'm not upset by your comment, Julie. Your words struck me as odd, that's all," Adam explained as Julie chewed. As she swallowed the bite, she glanced over and smiled at him.

When she didn't respond verbally, Adam pushed, "I'm not sure I follow why you commented about my demeanor."

Knowing a shoulder shrug would be seen as impolite at the table, Julie took in a deep breath to garner the courage she sought. "You tend to be a more serious, no nonsense type of person, Dad. Seeing your grin… is a welcome sight." Speechless, Adam nodded and continued eating.

Does she think I'm an ogre? I'm fun… well, I used to be fun. Sometimes. With Claire. Especially in the early days, Adam pondered. I suppose Julie knows my stern and rigid side better than my lighter side. That's what happens when you're strict with your kids, isn't it? Both the kids certainly know who's boss. They're clear about my expectations of them. If I were all soft and silly, I'm not sure how they'd turn out.

"What are you thinking about?" Julie inquired. The question was seldom asked in the Caldwell house, but tonight seemed different. Besides, asking about thoughts was safer than asking about feelings. She doubted Adam would become angry by her inquiry. If he didn't want to share, he'd respond with a quick 'nothing.'

Having both heard her but not, Adam began, "Hmm? Oh… about parenting."

Julie was fascinated that he answered and the topic riveted her. "Was it hard after Mom died? To be the only parent?"

"It was," Adam nodded without making eye contact. He picked up his water glass and took a hearty drink.

"I felt really guilty about that those first few years," Julie mentioned before stuffing a forkful of food in her mouth.

Uncharacteristically, Adam leaned forward and rested his forearms on the table. Softly, perhaps more tenderly than Julie had ever experienced, he stated, "Really?"

"I was the one who was the kid… the one who needed a parent. If it hadn't been for me, you could have deployed, explored your options, or gone on to follow your dreams," Julie shrugged unconsciously. "I used to wonder if you'd decide to deploy and give me up for adoption." She giggled uncomfortably at her confession.

"Julie. First, watch the shoulders, Miss. Second," he sighed. "I wish you'd said something to me then."

"You were… well, whatever," Julie grinned before standing. "Can I clear your plate for you?"

"Thank you," he offered. As she stepped from the dining room to the kitchen, he said, "Stop, Julie. What were you going to say? Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"It's no big deal, Dad. I was rambling," she attempted to convince him as she proceeded to the kitchen. She hoped he'd forget about his unanswered question because she had no idea how she'd convey how scared she was of her Father the Stranger in those first months after Claire's death. When he became a widower, Adam went from firm, quiet, and absent to strict, brooding and withdrawn. At eleven, Julie couldn't make sense of his profound grief nor his seemingly endless drinking.

From the kitchen, she called out, "There's cookies. Want a couple with milk?"

"Sure," Adam responded as he steepled his fingers. Why didn't she tell me? What was I? She said, 'You were…' and stopped. What was that about?

She came back out with two glasses of milk and two cookies. Setting both cookies in front of him, she settled onto the edge of her chair and sipped her milk.

"Where are your cookies?" Adam wondered aloud.

"No sugar. Preparing for Plebe Summer," she explained.

With a nod, Adam dipped a cookie into the milk and praised, "Good for you. How's your running?"

"7:30 mile, 30 pushups, 2 pull ups," she shared, hoping he wouldn't notice she'd left out crunches.

"Crunches?" he inquired.

Damn. "I need to work on them, Sir," she said. Adding the 'Sir,' she hoped would soften his reaction.

"Give me a number," he stated.

"Around 40ish," she admitted.

"Give me a real number," he stressed.

"38," she confessed.

"You know that won't pass muster at school, right?" he clarified.

"Yes, Sir," she answered as she looked down at her lap.

Adam stood up and wiped off his face. "We'll let dinner settle for an hour before we head to the park."

"Yes, Sir," she stated respectfully as she finished her milk. Knowing better, Julie said nothing about the volume of homework she was planning to do that night. Having spent the afternoon with Ryder, she couldn't claim that she had too much on her plate. If she mentioned that working out would mean her homework would not be completed, he'd solve that challenge the Adam-way: restriction. She could hear his voice in her head, If you can't manage your time effectively, I'll manage it for you.

"If Ryder wants to join us, he can," Adam offered as he left the room.

Julie called Ryder and spoke to him as she cleaned the kitchen. She wasn't sure if he was ready to resume full workouts. To her surprise, Ryder shared that he and Owen had run together the day before. Owen advised that Ryder could try to return to his regular routine as long as he promised to stay hydrated and to stop if any concerns arose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'

Riding his motorcycle to the park in the evening air gave Ryder a sense of freedom. He parked his bike after spotting Julie and Adam. As he stowed his helmet and coat, he waved and then walked toward Julie and Adam. They were stretching and he could tell Adam was advising or instructing Julie.

With a welcoming grin, Adam called out, "Ryder! Ready to wear yourself out?"

"Yes, Sir," Ryder smiled as he joined them and began stretching out.

"Give me your pre-illness numbers, Hunt," Adam ordered casually.

"Before getting sick? 6:29 mile, 80 pushups, 89 crunches, 10 pull ups," Ryder recited.

"You're close to some max numbers. Well done," Adam affirmed.

"Should I push myself further over the max on pushups and crunches or work on the pull ups and run time?" Ryder asked the experienced officer.

"Don't worry about exceeding the maximums. If you arrive and hit all the maxes, the detailers will hone in on you. Don't draw attention to yourself," Adam advised. He turned to Julie and announced, "Itsy, crunches. Go as fast as you can, and don't stop until you reach 50. Ryder, do you know about up downs?"

"No, Sir," Ryder responded.

"Watch," Adam stated. He bent down and placed his hands on the ground at either side. His chest rested on his upper legs. In a blink, he slid his legs back, did a push up, returned to the position, then stood. "C'mon. Join in." Ryder fumbled his first few attempts, but kept trying. When Adam checked, he saw that Ryder's chest and upper legs weren't meeting. His form was too loose.

"Watch your form, Hunt. Tighten it up or we'll add claps to each push up. Julia, what's your number?" Adam challenged.

Breathlessly, she shared, "42."

"Faster!" he urged his daughter. She completed the last eight rapidly, then fell onto her back to catch her breath.

"Hunt, freeze. Right there," Adam ordered as Ryder stretched his legs back. "Hold your position." Slipping the top of his shoe onto Ryder's stomach, Adam pulled up and Ryder did likewise. "There's your weak spot. Now stay in position and watch me." Adam bent down, threw his legs back while maintaining a perfect form, did a push up with a clap and ended up standing. Ryder held his weight in the up position of a push up even though his arms began to shake.

"Now stand," Adam ordered, expecting him to bring his knees forward and stand. Ryder complied and Adam frowned. He positioned himself sideways in front of Ryder. "Let's do it together," Adam encouraged. "No clap necessary. I was showing off."

As Ryder bent down, he chuckled and tried to work on his form. The two men went through five rotations before Adam stopped him and frowned. "It's your gut – try to keep it firm and locked. We'll try again in a few. Julia, jump up."

The three ran to a pull up bar and Adam called out, "Itsy, show me what you've got." Pushing her toward the bar, he hollered, "Move! Use those arms." She pulled up twice fairly quickly then hung as she attempted a third. "Come on. Do it!" She shook her head. Adam roared. "Two more. Let's go." She managed one and then let her grasp go. Adam beamed with pride and slapped her back, "Exactly, Julie. Good work. Step by step."

Ryder jumped up and began his pull ups without Adam's prompting. Adam called out, "Ten isn't what you can do. It's your minimum. Don't be a pansy ass, Hunt." Ryder managed thirteen and shared a high five with Adam when he touched the ground.

"Let's run. I'm setting the pace," Adam declared. Julie was being pushed but Ryder was managing well. They ran two miles, and all three were dripping with sweat as the sun began to fall closer and closer to the horizon.