"Kurt…I can't sleep…"
Kurt wasn't awake. Not really.
"Thanks for telling me." He mumbled into the phone, blinking blearily at the time. It was one in the morning. "Go back to sleep."
"I haven't been to sleep." He said sadly.
"Why?" Kurt moaned, burying his face in his pillow.
"Martians."
"Blaine…what?" he mumbled in confusion. It was far too early for this.
"I can't sleep because if I do, the Martians will rape me."
Kurt was stunned into silence.
"Kurt, help me!" Blaine pleaded.
"The Martians will rape you if you sleep?" Kurt repeated incredulously. Seriously, what did he eat? Maybe this was just some elaborate dream.
"Exactly!" Blaine sounded triumphant – or maybe relieved that he was finally getting through.
"Blaine…what did you take?" Kurt asked in concern.
"Nothing! I swear…if I go to sleep, the Martians will mind rape or probe rape me or something!"
"Blaine…" Kurt tried to interrupt.
"I mean, I don't remember the specific details. I was freaking out too much to pay attention, but I don't really like the sound of either of them! One is just invasive, and the other's weird and sticky in all the wrong places!"
"Blaine!" Kurt practically yelled into his phone.
"…what?" Blaine paused for a breath.
"Who told you about the Martians?"
"Cooper. He pointed out Mars then said because we can see it without a telescope, it was time for the Martians to kidnap me!"
Kurt took a moment to process this, growling internally.
"Blaine…why you, in particular?" he tried to get Blaine to see the fraud behind it.
"Because when I was younger, Cooper put a weird thing on my head, and when I asked him about it he told me it was a tracking device for the Martians!" Blaine breathed. "I didn't believe him at the time…but then he brought it up again tonight and if he remembers it that clearly, it must be true!"
Blaine sounded almost close to tears, and Kurt was getting frustrated. He just wanted to go back to sleep.
"Blaine…" Kurt muttered as patiently as he could. "Your brother is very wise, and quite…persuasive, and I'm sure that if he told you about it, then it means he was trying to prevent it. Is he home?"
"No, he's out…"
"I bet he's trying to stop the Martians right now." Kurt was far too tired to do anything but humour his boyfriend. "Because I'm fairly sure that the thing on your head was actually a tracking-beacon preventer."
Blaine hummed unconvincedly.
"But what if they do come?" Blaine whimpered, and Kurt could practically see him pacing, watching the skies worriedly.
Kurt let out a sigh. "Come here."
"What?"
"If you're that worried, come here and sleep on the couch."
"Are you sure?"
"Blaine…I'm about to fall asleep while talking to you. I'll protect you from the Martians, just get here soon, okay?"
"Okay, okay. I'll be there soon…"
"Mmhm…hurry. And don't ring the doorbell, just text me."
"Kurt…?"
"…yes Blaine?"
"What if the Martians get you too?"
Kurt slammed his head into his pillow with a groan.