Title: Several ways to die trying
Author: Jessica
Email: jessicarothen
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please...
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: Her whole body felt like it was coming apart at the seams as she stood there looking into the eyes of the man she had given away her heart to. She wanted to beg him. Beg him to love her. To pick her...
AUTHORS NOTE: Title is a song by Dashboard confessional.
English is not my first language so spelling/grammar mistakes may occur.
"I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize
but I don't know how to let you go"
Kate stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips.
She tried not to look scared as she stood there but her eyes always gave her away.
It was her weakness and her curse. She always felt too much.
She gave her heart too easily to people who didn't give theirs in return.
As she stood there she wished that she could remove that part of herself that still felt something.
He sat by the kitchen table with a glas of whiskey infront of him.
Her hands was trembling a little as she took one step into the room and said:
"Aren't you going to say something?"
He didn't look up to acknowledge her prescence. It stung more than she was willing to admit.
"What do you want me to say?"
His voice was cold as he spoke. She took a step towards him and said:
"Anything."
Her voice gave away the desperation she felt and she felt ashamed of that fact.
He finished the last of the whiskey and poured himself another.
"I don't know what you want me to do."
His words hurt more than anything.
"Please, look at me."
She was begging now.
How pathetic.
She had vowed once that she would never put herself in that kind of position that she had to begg a man for anything.
"Kate."
"Just look at me."
He finally turned towards her.
His eyes were dark as they met hers.
She searched his eyes for something to latch on to but she found nothing.
"Are you just going to sit there?"
"Don't do this, Kate."
He ran a hand through his hair and rose from the chair.
Anger burned in her then.
"Do what exactly?"
"We agreed, remember?"
She wanted to strike him.
She wanted him to hurt as much as she did.
"You decided. You did! I didn't agree to anything."
"Kate, you know as much as I do that this, you and me, would not last."
"Just fucking say it okay. You think it was a mistake."
Their eyes met and in that moment she saw the truth in his eyes.
Something inside of her came apart in that moment.
He reached out his hand and said:
"Kate..."
She backed away.
"Don't touch me."
"Kate, please talk to me."
She wanted so despratley to hate him but she couldn't even do that.
"There is nothing to talk about..."
"Don't do that."
"What? Isn't this exactly what you wanted?"
She wanted to reach inside of herself and remove that part of her that still wanted him.
His eyes darkned as he moved closer to her.
"I never wanted this. Not like this."
"I don't care what you want."
She felt so weak as she stood there in the middle of the kitchen looking at the man she had lost such a big part of herself to.
She felt so ashamed.
She took one step away from him.
"I never set out to hurt you."
Anger ran hot in her veins then.
She struck him.
Her hand connecting with his cheek echoed in the room.
She almost spat out the words:
"Don't you fucking say that!"
Her eyes burned as their eyes met.
He had never made any promises.
He had never lied.
The fault was hers and hers alone.
She had closed her eyes for the signs and let herself believe that there was something more between the two of them.
How foolish she had been.
She saw that now.
The pain of the truth wrapped itself around the remaining pieces of her heart as she moved away from him.
His hand reached out for her but she avoided it.
If he touched her now she knew she would crumble.
"Kate.."
His voice was hoarse and his eyes was dark as they met hers.
She wished in that moment that she could reach inside of herself and remove that piece of herself that still wanted him, loved him.
Her voice trembled as she spoke:
"Don't...Just don't.."
She wouldn't fight anymore.
There was nothing she could say or do.
They both knew it.
All words had been spoken.
He wasn't willing to give her the one thing she wanted.
The one thing that she needed.
Maybe if she had been a stronger person she would have been able to ignore that part.
But she wasn't.
Her bags was packed and stood by the front door.
But still she lingered there.
Searching his eyes for something to latch on to.
But he refused to give her anything.
Tears blurred her vision then.
His hand was warm against her cheek as he reached out and brushed away a tear that had escaped.
Her whole body felt like it was coming apart at the seams as she stood there looking into the eyes of the man she had given away her heart to.
She wanted to beg him.
Beg him to love her.
To pick her.
She didn't care anymore of all the things that had happened before.
Of all the worries and all the pain.
All she knew was that she wanted him.
She need him.
"I can't, Kate...I just..can't.."
His words shattered the remaining pieces of her heart.
She closed her eyes in a weak attempt to try to protect herself from the pain but it engulfed her world.
She was crying now.
It was no point anymore to try to be brave and strong.
He had broken her.
They both knew it.
She, who prided herself of never losing control of her own heart, had lost everything.
She moved away from him.
He let her go.
The feel of his touch still burned on her skin.
She looked at him:
"Well, I will not regret this...I love you, Gibbs."
Her words seemed soar and hover around the room.
His eyes flashed in that moment.
But he didn't falter.
She didn't expect him to.
She moved towards the door and picked up her bags.
She knew he wouldn't stop her.
He wasn't that kind of man.
She looked back at him and their eyes met.
She already missed him.
The way his hands had the power to sooth her.
The way his arms around her brought a sense of peace to her soul.
The way his body felt against hers.
The way it felt as he was inside of her bringing her to the brink and beyond.
The feeling of beeing a complete and whole person when he was with her.
She had lost all of that and so much more.
And there was nothing she could do to get it back.
She had lost.
All she could do now was to surrender.
A weak smile escaped from her lips as she said the words she had feared more than anything:
"Goodbye."
Then she walked away from him.
There was a kind of sadness in his ways long after she had left.
In the way he moved and in the way he talked.
He never once spoke her name.
Whenever her name happened to come up in discussions his eyes darkened in a way that warned the people around him to drop the subject.
He never spoke about what had happened between the two of them.
They were the talk of the office for weeks afterwards.
Her empty desk that sat besides his was enough for everyone to assume the worst.
People called him every kind of name they could think of when they spoke about him when he wasn't there.
They judged his silence and distance as indifferance and they despised him for it.
She had been loved after all.
She had been one of them and he had driven her away.
Leroy Gibbs was lost.
He would not admitt that to one living soul of course.
But on weak moments he would recognize the feeling that he had lost a big part of himself.
He had never been a man that dwelled over the past but the feeling was something he couldn't shake.
It kept nagging at his centre core, slowly tilting his world on its axis.
He told himself that the choice was hers and hers alone.
He was not to blame.
The lie tasted bitter in his mouth.
But it was a lie that he clung to.
It kept him sane as days turned into weeks and weeks gave away to months.
Eventually he found his balance again.
He even managed to smile.
But it never reached his eyes.
End 1/?