Chapter 5: How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else

"It hurts to be here

I only wanted love from you

It hurts to be here

What am I gonna do?"

The lawyer's name is Matthew.

Matthew is a nice man.

He makes her smile.

He is smart and he is kind.

When he calls her up and asks for another date she says yes.

He is perfect.

Still she feels nothing for him.

But she tries.

He is after all the kind of person she is supposed to want.

So she throws herself into their relationship.

She wants to drown herself in this man.

To erase the face of another.

Who haunts her dreams and invades her thoughts.

It's a battle to keep herself sane, to keep herself steady.

Weeks give away to months and she keeps Matthew in her life.

Every time he touches her she prays for that fire she felt from another man's touch.

She prays for that peace she felt in that moment standing beside him in the middle of the night outside that bar.

But she finds nothing.

So she ignores all that is missing between her and Matthew.

She convinces herself that she does not need it.

He is a good man, after all.

And she cares for him in her way.

When those three words slips of his tongue two months into their relationship she replies:

"I love you too."

She feels ashamed afterwards.

Such a liar.

But she convinces herself as she looks into his eyes that in a way her words are the truth.

Because she cares for this man.

And eventually, it will become something else.

So it's not lying.

Not really.

November gives away to December and she sees less and less of Gibbs.

They pass each other in the halls of the office sometimes and they exchange words relating to work.

But it's just a few moments.

He keeps spending more and more time outside of the office.

She doesn't ask why.

He has never been a person who shares.

But still she misses him.

It seeps into her veins, into her soul and invades her sense of peace.

She has no right to care for this man.

Not like that.

They are just working together.

He is her boss.

But she wonders about him.

She worries.

She longs.

Her heart is racing as she walks into the office for the annual Christmas party.

She doesn't know why.

So she ignores it.

Matthew is by her side.

He smiles down at her and she smiles back.

It's been almost three months now since he came into her life.

She is content.

She has everything.

She doesn't need anything else.

It's what she tells herself.

Hoping it will convince that part of her that still longs for another.

Gibbs is standing on the other side of the room.

That man who has managed to seep into every part of her.

Their eyes meet across the room.

Just for a second.

And she feels something tuck at her heart.

She looks away.

Matthew escorts her towards the bar and she grabs a drink to steady her nerves.

A band is playing a slow song.

She wants to leave.

Matthew wants to dance.

So she gives in and he leads her out on to the makeshift dance floor.

She tries to focus on this man, who loves her.

This perfect man who she loves, who she should love.

But her whole being is screaming in that moment for another.

Gibbs appears suddenly beside them.

He is dressed in a dark suit and a white shirt.

His eyes are dark as they meet hers.

"May I cut in?"

She looks up at Matthew and she wants him so badly to say no.

But he just nods at Gibbs and moves away.

She stands there looking at Gibbs.

For the first time in a long time she is scared.

So scared.

His blue eyes sparks as he speaks:

"Shall we?"

All she can do is nod.

He slips his hand into hers and he places the other on the small of her back and moves her closer to him.

She is so sure he can hear her heart beating so fast.

He smells of sandalwood and soap.

His hands are warm against her skin.

They stay like that.

Swaying to the music.

She closes her eyes for a moment and lets herself feel everything.

His voice is hoarse as he whispers:

"You look beautiful tonight, Kate."

It isn't fair.

He isn't playing nice.

She looks at him and she wants to say something.

Anything.

But she is scared.

So scared.

Scared of the power he has over her.

Of the feelings he can evoke in her just by touching her.

So she keeps quiet.

The music fades to black.

And he lets go of her.

But he doesn't move away.

He just stands there looking at her.

Matthew moves in and she manages to smile at him as he asks her if she wants another drink.

She nods a yes.

Her eyes drift to Gibbs.

He doesn't speak.

He just stands there looking at her with those eyes.

She almost wants to slap him then.

For making her feel like that.

For making her question everything.

She turns around and walks away from him.

She takes the drink Matthew offers and says she needs some air.

He lets her go.

She slips out on to the balcony.

The sky is dark above.

The air smells of the coming snow.

She stands there looking out across the city and for the first time in a long time she prays to a higher power.

She prays for strength.

To remove that part of her that longs for this man.

This man who gives nothing away but manages to ignite a fire inside of her.

Who has the power to crush her.

She prays for peace.

She longs for it.

She needs it.

But as she stands there she finds nothing.

Only silence.