Chapter 6: Never let me go
"Peace in the struggle
to find peace
comfort on the way
to comfort
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love"
It was never his intention to come.
He wasn't the kind of person who enjoyed parties.
He hated crowds.
He hated small talk.
The truth was that he came for her.
He tried to convince himself that it had nothing to do with her.
But he knew.
He knew the moment he saw her stepping out of the elevator.
He had missed her.
For months he had tried to avoid her.
He had worked hard at trying to erase every part of him that wanted her.
He thought time would make it better.
It wasn't like he could avoid her forever.
So when he dressed for the party he told himself that it was over.
That the thing he had felt was gone now.
But as his eyes met hers across the room that night he knew that it was all a lie.
His heart was beating so fast and his mouth was dry.
Every part of him screamed for her.
He couldn't take his eyes off her.
He felt so weak as he stood there watching her move towards the bar.
The lawyer was beside her.
Jealousy burned hot inside of him watching them together.
He had tried to ignore it.
But he was man enough to admit that he was jealous.
It was a crazy notion.
He had no right to feel like that.
They were nothing to each other.
But still it burned in him.
He should go.
He knew that.
He had seen her.
It was time to leave.
But still he lingered.
They moved into the dance floor and she smiled at the lawyer.
He tried to look away.
He shouldn't be there.
She had gotten what she had wanted.
This man was perfect for her.
He wasn't broken and haunted by the past.
He wouldn't hurt her.
He knew all the right words.
He would make her happy.
That was what Gibbs tried to convince himself as he stood there as he watched Kate move across the dance floor with another man.
So it was time to leave.
But instead he found himself moving towards them.
She looked up and their eyes met.
Her eyes were huge as he asked for permission to cut in.
A part of him wanted the other man to object.
He feared the feeling she could evoke in him when she touched him.
He feared being close to her.
There was too much in stake.
His sanity.
His heart.
But still he asked and permission was given.
He wanted her to object.
To push him away.
To tell him to go and leave her alone.
To tell him that the things he saw in her was all just his own imagination.
But she didn't.
So he slipped his hand into hers and moved her closer to him.
He wanted to drown in her.
Bury himself in the sensation of holding her.
He took a deep breath and let her invade all his senses.
The words slipped out of him:
"You look beautiful, Kate."
He shouldn't have said that.
She looked at him and he knew that if he she asked he would give away the last remaining piece of his heart to her.
She didn't speak.
The music came to an end and he let her go.
But he didn't move away.
He couldn't.
She didn't move.
She just stood there looking at him with those eyes that whispered of a future he longed for.
But that he feared.
He stood there searching for words to say to her.
But he had never been good with words.
And they failed him now.
Her eyes darkened.
The lawyer moved in and said something to her that Gibbs didn't catch.
Her eyes flashed in that moment as they met his.
Then she moved away from him.
He let her go.
He should go.
Leave.
He had lost so much tonight.
But still he stood there watching her go.
She slips out on to the balcony.
He should leave her alone.
He had no right to invade her space.
A better man would leave her be.
But he is not a good man.
He has never been a good man.
So he opens the door to the balcony and walks out.
She is standing with her back towards him.
She doesn't move as he approaches.
"Kate."
"Please, just leave me alone."
He should listen.
He really should.
But he can't.
Not anymore.
Maybe if he had been stronger.
But he was a weak man.
Weak for wanting her.
For wanting another a life than fate had brought him.
So he speaks the truth.
For once in his life he doesn't lie as he says:
"I can't."
Her eyes are huge as she turns towards him.
She stands there looking at him, searching his eyes as she says:
"What do you want from me?"
He wishes he knew to answer that.
He wishes he knew how to explain.
"I just…"
How pathetic.
Her eyes flashes in that moment.
He can see disappointment there.
And he feels sick.
"You can't just do this to me."
And then he knows.
He can see it in her eyes.
The truth hits him in the chest.
She feels it too.
"Kate…"
He should speak.
Say something.
Anything.
But his words fail him.
She stands there looking at him with those eyes.
Pleading with him to tell the truth.
That she isn't alone in this.
But he can't.
He just can't.
There is too much at risk.
His silence is his judgment
It hurts her.
He can see it happening.
It cuts deep.
And he hates himself then.
"Never mind."
She starts to move away from him.
He should let her go.
To let her slip away and ignore that thing that exists between the two of them.
Tomorrow, all of this will be forgotten.
He could blame it on too much drinking.
He would forget her.
Eventually.
And she would move on.
She would forget whatever she might have felt for him.
She had the lawyer after all.
He could make her happy.
He could give her all the things he never could.
It would be so simple.
To let her go.
To push that feeling away, bury it until he couldn't remember that even had existed.
It was the easiest way.
She could go back to her life.
And he to his.
They didn't match.
She was young and beautiful.
A warm spirit.
He was cold and all hard edges.
He hurt people.
He crushed him.
So the right thing would be to let her go.
She moves past him towards the door.
He finds himself reaching out and grabbing her hand.
She stops and looks at him.
"Let me go, Gibbs."
He is standing on the edge.
He knows this.
He should take a step back.
He has been here so many times before.
And it has all ended badly.
What would make this time different?
He searches her eyes for something to latch on to.
Something to reassure him that in the end it would be okay.
But he knows he will find nothing.
He should let go.
Just let go.
But he can't.
Not again.
Not anymore.
He pulls her towards him and he frames her face between his hands.
She doesn't move away.
She just stands there.
Looking at him with heaven in her eyes.
He whispers:
"I can't."
And then he kisses her.