No recognizable characters or plot points belong to me. This is strictly for my amusement (and maybe yours as well), I gain nothing from this. That is all.

Storyline: The Notebook

TEXT: "Preface: I'm drunk. But I think I'd make a good assassin. That is all."

I wake the next morning to the sun in my eyeballs and about twelve texts from Edward. After visiting with me last night he went out with some buddies. I, on the other hand, drank wine from the bottle and read a book til I passed out. It was a good night. Edward begged for me to join him but my bed was far more inviting. I made the mistake of saying as much and as a result damn near had to kick the horny fucker out of my place.

Well, at least texts from him means he isn't dead or in jail, so, there's always that. I unlock my phone steeling myself for anything from a dick pic to lovey texts coming from my best friend. I've received plenty of both. They're mostly inane observations, my favorite by far being…

Preface: I'm drunk. But I think I'd make a good assassin. That is all. – E

My laugh is loud. Christ on a cracker, homie is going to have a black eye or broken bone later when we meet up, I just know it.

I stretch like a cat, as Edward would say, damn near purring in my contentment. I sit up, picking my phone up again to check the time. It's after eleven, I'm well rested and mostly ready to handle Edward's dumb ass so I text him back.

Sooo, I take it you'll need greasy food? – B

It'll take Edward a hot minute to reply so I take a shower. It's warm and welcoming and soon I find myself thinking of Edward and his amazing fingers, it doesn't take long to work myself into a frenzy. As soon as I come and the tingles subside I'm out of the shower. I have shit to do today and no time to think about the fact that I just rubbed one out to the thought of my best friend. Not like it was the first time anyways. Toweling off, I step out of the bathroom and straight into a hard chest.

"What the fuck?!" My scream borders on blood curdling.

It's Edward's chest, of-fucking-course, standing in front of me. His strong, masculine chest pressed into my naked chest because, of-fucking-course, in my moment of terror I dropped my towel. Edward's eyes, apparently, dropped with it. Because…he's a boy and that's what they do.

"Hi. You took too long to respond to my text. I come bearing gifts in the form of greasy food. Can this be the way you always thank me?"

I reach for my towel, "I literally fucking hate you."

Edward, again because he is a boy, stares at my ass while I bend for my towel. "what'd you say?"

I glare back at him since there's no reason to even speak at this point; he's like a dog with a bone. I'm naked and soaking wet, literally and figuratively, so I'm pretty much a dude's wet dream; words are irrelevant right now. So, I glare. Until I take in his face that's currently taking in my assets. His chin is covered in rug burn or road rash. Who can be sure, really, it's Edward after all and anything is likely. I grab his chin, harder than necessary but it makes me feel better. That shakes him from his stupor.

"You tried to be a ninja last night didn't you?" I giggle wrapping my towel back around my body. I fucking knew it, I knew he'd show up today with wounds from last night.

"Ow! Bella, you masochistic bitch. Listen, I warned you! I told you I was an assassin, I needed you to dash my hopes and dreams and you weren't there!" His pout is ridiculously cute.

"Dude, you're not a ninja. I don't know why when you drink you think shit like that is a good idea."

"I didn't say ninja. I'm an assassin." Edward whines, following me to my bedroom door. He makes a move to tug my towel off.

I grip my towel with one hand, while the other holds on to the edge of the door. I really just want to use my hands to kiss his boo boo all better. But…I won't.

"Well, apparently, a shitty one." And with that, I shut the door in Edward's sexy, hungover, rug burned face.

That boy will be the death of me.