Chapter 8: The trick is to keep breathing
He stood there a long time afterwards.
He couldn't blame her for leaving.
It wasn't like he had given her any promises.
There were no bond between them.
Just a fire.
That had the ability to consume them both.
He knew this.
He felt it.
She wanted promises.
He could see it in her eyes.
The need to have something to hold on to.
He couldn't give her that.
Not that.
He wasn't brave like that.
He had been down that road before.
He had lost such a big part of himself.
He guarded the last remaining piece of his heart and he couldn't give her that.
The risk was too much.
It was a matter of survival after all.
She needed it.
So he understood.
Still it hurt.
But he did what he had to do; he buried it.
He buried it so deep inside of himself that he could deny that it ever existed.
That he could deny the fact that she had the power to really cause him any pain.
He moved towards the door and entered the party.
He moved through the crowd of people that had gathered, heading for the elevator.
Nobody notice him leaving.
And he had never felt so alone.
She entered his dreams that night.
He tried to reach her there but she managed to slip from his grasp.
He woke with her name on his lips.
This world he had built and carefully maintained during the years was slowly coming undone.
He could feel it happening.
And he didn't know to stop it.
She avoided him for days afterwards.
She refused to meet his eyes and she went out of her way to avoid speaking to him.
He tried to ignore it.
He tried to understand.
But still it stung.
So he did what he had to do to rectify the situation.
He lied.
He found her alone on their balcony one early morning two weeks later.
He could see something in her eyes as he approached her.
Fear.
It hurt him more than anything else.
She feared him.
Somehow he had caused her to feel like that.
And he hated himself in that moment.
"Kate. Can we talk?"
Her eyes darkened as she spoke:
"I need to get to back work."
She moved passed him.
She was running.
He stopped her by touching her hand.
"Kate, please."
She withdrew her hand from his touch and looked at him:
"Don't. "
"I need to explain."
Her voice was hard:
"There's nothing to say."
"Please."
She took a step away from him and looked at him.
But she didn't move.
She didn't run.
"I shouldn't have…"
His words failed him.
"Don't worry about it."
She started to move away.
He took her hand and forced her to look at him.
Her skin was warm against his.
"If I could take it back…I just want things to go back to what it was before. "
Her eyes sparked then.
Pain.
He saw it.
Then it was gone and replaced with something he couldn't read.
Such lies.
When it came down to it: he was a good liar.
But it was necessary now.
For the both of them.
They were not good for each other.
He would only break her heart.
And she would wreak havoc on the remaining pieces of the thing inside of him they called a heart.
So he was saving them both.
Their eyes met.
He could see something change in her in that moment as she said:
"Don't worry, Gibbs. It's forgotten. It was just a kiss. Nothing else."
He let go of her hand.
She moved towards the door.
He could stop her and tell her the truth.
The truth that he missed her.
He wanted her.
He needed her.
But he didn't.
He just let go.
And he told himself as he watched her walk back into the office that it was all for the best.
But a voice inside of his head whispered:
Liar.