Chapter 9: You can't always get what you want
Maybe things would have been different if she had been braver.
If she was that kind of person that trusted that little voice inside that whispered to take a chance.
But she wasn't that kind of person.
Not anymore.
Life had given her cuts that ran deep.
She wasn't willing to risk that kind of pain that come when you open yourself up to one person, only to be rejected.
She needed proof.
Something solid.
A part of her wanted the kind of love that was written about in books.
She wanted a love greater than life itself.
She wanted all of that.
But the other part, the sensible part, knew that it was all a lie.
So she settled for something else.
Something she didn't know how to label.
Matthew was solid.
He was someone she could trust.
That would be there.
That would never leave.
So she told herself that she loved him.
He was right for her.
That was that she convinced herself.
Matthew had been silent as he drove her home that night.
When his car came to a stop outside her apartment building he just sat there, staring into the darkness of the night.
She had hurt him.
She wanted to say something.
Explain.
How could she explain something that she didn't understand?
But she needed to say something.
To save the situation.
To bridge the gap that seemed to stretch out between them.
So she took his hand.
But he pulled away.
She tried to ignore the pain his reaction brought her.
"Please, Matthew."
"How long, Kate?"
"It's not like that."
"HOW LONG?"
He had never raised his voice to her.
Never.
So she pulled back.
He turned and looked at her.
She saw pain.
It was palpable.
"I was just a kiss. He had had too much to drink."
Lies.
So many lies.
"No. It was more than that."
"I don't know what you want me to say."
"How long has this been going on?"
"Nothing is going on."
The lie slipped so easily off her tongue.
She hardly even noticed.
His eyes burned into her then.
"Don't lie to me, Kate. I saw the way he was looking at you and the way you looked at him."
"I don't know…"
"Stop lying!"
He shifted in his seat and leaned towards her.
"I'm not."
"Do you have feelings for him?"
It wasn't lying if she didn't know.
If she was too scared to listen to that little voice inside that whispered the truth.
"It wasn't like that."
"Just tell me."
He wanted the truth.
He wanted her to put him out of his misery.
So she did what she had become a master of: she lied.
"No."
She could see her answer settle inside of him and brought him a release from the pain.
He ran his hand through his hair and looked at her:
"It was just a kiss. Nothing else has ever happened?"
"No."
She took his hand in hers.
He didn't pull away this time.
He looked at her and she saw something in his eyes that made her ache.
Desperation to believe that she loved him.
A need to believe that this was the truth.
He didn't deserve this.
He had done nothing wrong.
"Tell me that it will never happen again."
She leaned towards him and said:
"It will never happen again."
Then she kissed him.
She tried to mend her relationship with Matthew after that night.
But she could still see doubt in his eyes when he was close to her.
It was just a spark in the back of his eyes and then it was gone.
Fear found its way inside and began nagging on her.
Fear that he was leaving.
So she did what she had to do to keep him by her side.
She tried to erase what had been by simply avoiding everything that reminded her of that.
That meant avoiding and ignoring Gibbs.
She worked hard at shutting him out.
She ignored the way her heart still ached when he was around her.
She shut her eyes for the fact that her whole being wanted to be near him.
The way her body seemed to vibrate and hum when he was close to her.
She buried that part of her that needed this man, wanted him, loved him.
After a week she told herself that she had forgotten the way his lips felt against hers.
The way his touch made her feel.
The way his body seemed to fit so perfectly against hers.
The way he had the power to make her feel complete.
She buried all of that and so much more.
She buried it so deep inside that she managed to convince herself that it had never been there at all.
The wall she had built and maintained around herself came crashing down one morning, two weeks later.
He found her standing on the balcony where they had shared that kiss.
Her first instinct was to flee from him.
His presence seemed to affect her more than she thought was possible.
He stood by the door at first, looking at her with those eyes that had the ability to bring her to her knees.
He wanted to talk.
She wanted to run.
The need to create distance from him was powerful but he managed to stop her with just one touch.
His touch was electric.
It shot through her like a fire.
It almost made her stumble.
He wanted to explain.
His eyes were begging her.
He had always had such power over her.
So she surrendered.
But she removed her hand from his and took a step back from him.
She feared if he touched her again all the things she so carefully built and maintained during the time since their last encounter would shatter into millions of tiny pieces.
His blue eyes were dark as they met hers.
"I shouldn't have…"
His words coiled around her heart and squeezed hard.
She saw regret in his eyes.
She felt like such a fool then.
To ever think that she could evoke any emotions in this man.
To ever think that the things she felt would ever be reciprocated.
The need to protect herself was powerful then.
"Don't worry about it…"
She wanted to prove that his words didn't affect her.
She started to move away.
But he grabbed her hand and forced her to look at him.
She saw sorrow in his eyes as he spoke the words that would break the last remaining pieces of what remained of her heart:
"If I could take it back…I just want things to go back to what it was before."
Pain exploded in her chest then.
It shot through her and shattered the walls she had built around her heart.
She stood there looking at the man she had let herself fall for.
She wanted to hate him for the pain he caused her.
But she couldn't even do that.
How pathetic.
She saw the truth now.
How blind she had been.
How foolish.
How weak.
She felt so ashamed then.
It burned in her.
The need to save herself made her meet his eyes and say:
"Don't worry, Gibbs. It's forgotten. It was just a kiss. Nothing else."
He let go of her hand.
He didn't stop her as she moved away from him and started to walk away.
Her hand trembled as she opened the door to the office and entered.
She tried to steady herself as she walked the path to her desk as the remaining pieces of her shattered heart began to seep through the cracks in her armor.
But she took the pain willingly.
She deserved it after all.
She was so pathetic.
She had let him inside of her heart, to secret parts of herself.
He had crawled inside, invaded her.
In the end he had crushed her.
The fault was hers and hers alone.
She had been weak.
She saw that now.
It would never happen again.
Never again.