Chapter 12
"And all that could have been"
'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me"
The letter had arrived two weeks after she walked out of his house.
She had requested a transfer.
All he had to do was to sign the paper and approve her transfer.
And let her go.
He carried the letter with him for days.
He took it out, looked at it and cursed himself for being weak.
For not being able to put pen to paper.
It felt so final.
But the truth was that it had been over the moment she walked out of his house.
When he hadn't given her the thing she needed the most.
Those three words that meant so much.
But he had known that if he had told her the truth that day she would have stayed with him and she would eventually regret her decision.
She would have given up a bright future.
A perfect life to stay by his side.
He knew that he would have eventually hurt her.
He would chip away at the light inside of her until the day she would eventually hate herself for loving him.
He knew that he was that kind of person that brought pain and darkness to the people around him.
She deserved better.
So much more.
The office was dark except the light from his computer monitor.
He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and looked through the rapport one final time.
He should go home and try to get some sleep.
But he didn't want to.
All he could see when he closed his eyes was her.
She haunted him.
Seeping into every part of him.
Invading all his senses when he tried to sleep.
"Gibbs."
He looked up, startled by her voice.
At first he thought he was imagining her.
But she was standing not far from his desk.
He hadn't heard her enter the office.
Her face was hidden in the darkness of the office.
He rose.
"Kate. What are you doing here?"
She took a step closer to him and the light from the windows lit up her face.
Their eyes met.
He drank in the sight of her.
Etching the sight of her into his memory.
She was dressed in a dark dress and her hair and makeup was flawless.
"The letter."
He should have known.
He felt ashamed.
He hadn't signed it.
"Oh. Yeah…I…"
His words failed him.
"I need you to sign it."
"I know."
He walked around his desk and moved towards her.
She took a step back then and he stopped.
She avoided his eyes.
"All you have to do is sign at the bottom."
He felt disgusted with himself then.
For causing this.
For letting things between them turn out this way.
If he had only been stronger.
But he hadn't.
He had caused her pain.
"How are you, Kate? We have missed you around the office."
He sounded so pathetic.
She looked up and her eyes met his.
"Just sign the paper, okay?"
"You don't have to do this."
Her eyes flickered then and burned as she said:
"Don't. Just don't. I didn't come here for that."
"Kate."
"No, Gibbs. Just sign so I can get out of here."
He should let her go.
He had made up his mind about the two of them the moment he rejected her.
He had no right.
"You can stay. You don't have to go. You're a great asset to the team."
" A great asset to the team."
His words sounded so pathetic.
So shallow.
But that was all he could say.
"Yes. I think you have great potential."
"A great asset, great potential. Jesus, Gibbs."
He moved towards her then.
She didn't move away.
She just looked at him with those eyes that haunted his dreams.
"Just stay, Kate. The team needs you."
"The team?"
She stood there looking at him, searching his eyes for that thing she need the most.
But he couldn't give her that.
They both of them knew it.
They had been down that road before.
"Yes. The team."
"Just sign the paper, Gibbs, please."
He stood there looking at the woman that had entered his life and brought with her a light in the darkness.
Who had picked up the pieces of him and put them back together.
And now she was walking away from him.
And he had to let her.
He had lost himself a long time ago
He had lost himself when he buried his wife and daughter.
He had died that day.
What was left of him now was just a shell of a man.
A weak, broken man.
She needed someone better.
Who could love her the way she deserved to be loved.
But still he stood there with every molecule in his body wanting to touch her.
To bury himself inside of her.
Their eyes met.
He saw sorrow in her eyes then.
For the things that might have been.
For the love she had felt.
Her voice was hoarse as she spoke:
"Please…"
He turned towards his desk, picked up a pen and signed the paper that would release her.
Their hands brushed as he gave her the letter.
She took a step back and said:
"Thank you."
She started to turn away from him and he reacted instinctively by reaching out and touching her.
She stopped with her back towards him.
His hand was still resting on her arm.
"Kate…"
"Please, don't touch me."
He removed his hand.
"I just wanted to say…"
He sounded so pathetic.
He had no idea what he wanted to say to her.
All he knew was that every part of him wanted her by his side.
The time he had spent apart from her had taken its toll on him.
He felt less then himself.
Weaker somehow.
"I didn't come here for that."
Her voice was harsh.
"Can we just talk? Just for a minute. Just let me…"
She turned towards him then.
Her eyes met his.
He searched her eyes for that thing he needed now.
A sign that it wasn't too late.
Her eyes were two dark pools as she looked at him and said:
"Why? You made it perfectly clear. There's nothing more to say."
"Kate."
"No, Gibbs. Matthew is waiting."
Then she walked away from him.
He let her go.
It felt like something had been ripped away from his body when she left his world.
He carried the pain willingly.
He even acknowledged the fact that he missed her.
But he told himself that it had all turned out right in the end.
He knew his place.
He liked being alone.
He wished her all the best.
She would be happy with Matthew.
And he would continue to walk through life alone.
Such lies.
But it was the lies he clung to.
That helped him survive every day.
That helped him maintain the status quo.
That kept the wall around his heart intact.
The invitation arrived one rainy morning three weeks later.
It sat on his desk, mocking him when he arrived to work.
The invitation to her wedding.
He had known that it would eventually come to this.
But as he sat there staring at the damn thing he felt a pain envelope his heart and squeezing hard.
It surprised him.
He had thought that it was over.
He had worked so hard at burying that part of him that still felt something for her.
He told himself that he couldn't remember what it felt to be touched by her.
To hold her in his arms.
To feel her against him.
To have her in his life.
He told himself that he had erased all of those things.
She was just another face of the people that had come and gone.
She didn't matter.
But as he sat there holding the invitation to her wedding all the things he had tried to bury came rushing back.
It was a pain like no other.
It weakened him.
The two weeks leading up to the day of her wedding became a battle for him to find his way back to what he once was.
He tried his best to steady himself.
To find his way back to normal.
Then the night before her wedding came.
Sleep evaded him that night.
Her ghost seemed to be everywhere.
She had invaded him, creeping into every part of him.
Weighing him down.
He imagined that he still could detect her scent on the sheets.
He stripped the bed of its sheets and refused to sleep there again.
His skin seemed to burn, remembering the feel of her against him.
So he did what he had to do to driver her out.
He drank.
He woke the next day with her name on his lips.
Her wedding was just a couple of hours away.
He wouldn't be going.
He knew it.
She knew it.
The invitation had just been a formal thing.
He had been her boss after all.
But still he found himself showering, shaving and dressing in a dark suite.
He told himself when he got into his car that he wasn't going there to stop her.
He just wanted to see her.
One last time.
It had rained during the night and the pavement was wet.
Afterwards there would be many explanations given to the question why it happened.
But no one would know the whole truth.
All they knew was that there was a deer and that the impact had caused him to be thrown from the car.
The rest didn't matter.
It happened fast.
So fast that he wouldn't have any time to react.
It was just a glimpse in the corner of his eye and then it was in front of his car.
There would be no way to stop it from happening.
Afterwards there was only silence.
He didn't feel anything as he lay there staring up at the blue sky above him.
Not the cold, hard ground beneath him.
No pain.
She came to him then.
The image of her face was before him.
He wanted to tell her so much.
He wanted to tell her those three words she need to hear.
Those words he had carried with him for so long now.
Fear had made him hold them back and bury them deep inside.
He had been wrong.
He knew that now.
He had been a coward.
He couldn't live his life without her.
He didn't want to.
But it was all too late for Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
There would be no more time.
The sun graced the world with its presence and warmed his skin as he lay there while his blood stained the ground beneath him.
He wasn't scared.
Not anymore.
He knew the truth.
That he loved her.
And she had loved him.
She was with him.
The memories of the two of them together flooded his senses.
The way her lips felt against his.
The feeling of holding her in his arms.
The way she smiled.
He wasn't afraid as the darkness beckoned him to surrender.
She was there beside him.
Soothing him.
Holding his hand as he was lowered into the dark.
The last thing he saw before he surrendered was her face smiling down upon him.
And for the first time in a long time he felt peace.
END.