Go Baby Grow

Chapter 60 – Staggering Toward Reality

Wednesday, June 24

Julie staggered out of the bedroom Wednesday morning in search of water and a granola bar. On her way to the kitchen, she spotted Ryder twisted uncomfortably on the couch. Attempting to fit his six foot plus body on the five-foot sofa, his knees were bent with one leg atop another as if he was lying on his side. However, at his hips, he twisted so that his back was flat on the seat cushion. His neck was kinked, allowing his head to rest against the arm of the sofa.

While it pained her to see him contorted on the couch, Julie was relieved he was asleep. She remembered falling into his chest when she attempted to kiss him the night before. Then there was the kissing - a lot of it - and Ryder was the one to slow down the progression to anything more. Closing her eyes slowly, Julie struggled with simultaneous feelings of regret, embarrassment, and happiness. Being in his arms renewed her deeper feelings for him, ones she had buried while seeing Nate. Now sober, the idea of discussing what had happened horrified Julie. She wouldn't know what to say or how to navigate the conversation. More than anything, awkwardness was her prevailing feeling.

Quietly slipping out to the porch with a blanket in one hand and paper and pencils in the other, Julie sought the steady presence of the ocean. Once she had left Seattle and headed toward the beach, Julie had intentionally blocked the jarring reality about Hannah. She did not mention anything to Ryder and instead shifted gears to focus on a few fun days away. But ignored burdens return to the surface regardless of how firmly they are denied. Faced with a quiet morning alone, she was drawn to the deck and hoped to begin to make sense of the news. Besides learning that she had a half-sister, she hated knowing that her parents' marriage had been a front for keeping up appearances. Was this the news Sam had decided not to share in their last conversation or was there even more?

As she pondered, Julie sketched a picture of Claire. When Julie was a little girl, she leaned into the phrase, 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.' Since her father was away more than he was present, Julie coped with the situation by imagining that her parents had an all-consuming love that grew deeper each day of any deployment and absence. Now, Julie wondered if Adam had actually been on deployment all of those times. Perhaps, instead, he was with Tessa and Hannah – his other family and life. How much of his time and attention did they receive over the years? Did he attend Hannah's parent-teacher nights and sporting events? Was he as brooding with them as he was when he was with Claire, Sam, and Julie? How did he balance the responsibilities and pressures of living a dual life? The more Julie attempted to sort out the news, the more questions she had.

In some ways, Julie was thrilled that Adam would soon be married to the love of his life. Perhaps being with Tessa would continue to smooth out his rough edges and reveal the man hidden behind his serious, strict, and steely façade. Yet, another part of her was angry. Julie felt as if her life and childhood home had only been a front to fool the world. If Adam had not been forthcoming with his wife and children about his other family, in what other ways had he been deceptive? Would revelations eek out little by little over time, crushing any semblance of sturdy foundation Julie once believed had been present? Was there more? She dreaded the thought and hoped the secrets were now all revealed.

Her drawing of Claire complete, Julie set the tablet on the lounge and wrapped her arms around her bent legs. As she stared out at the ocean, tears fell softly and involuntarily. Why am I crying? She wondered. I'm not sad as much as I am confused… at least, I think that's the case. Everything – the news, the wedding, I-Day, kissing Ryder – feels significant and the cumulative load is overwhelming. So many big transitions are hitting me all at once.

From the couch inside, Ryder spotted Julie curled up and pensive. Without a doubt, he knew he loved her – he simply wasn't sure what type of love he felt. Unlike all his previous flings and relationships, Ryder's feelings for Julie flowed deeper. He had an abiding concern for her that was stronger than any emotional attachments he had experienced with other girls. Over the previous year, he assumed that was a normal way to feel toward one's best friend. Although he found Julie attractive, his love for her was not primarily focused on physical desire. He wanted to be present for her, to hold her up when she was falling and to lean on her as he crumbled. Ryder treasured her deliberate manner and courageous candor. In fact, he wasn't sure how he would have navigated the previous year without her presence in his life. But those connections are about deep friendship, not couplehood, right? He asked himself.

As he processed his thoughts, Ryder was thankful that he had stopped the kissing the night before, He knew he would find it difficult to face his reflection in the mirror if he had let Julie cross any new lines of intimacy while she was drunk. While he took some pride in having been her first kiss, he would be ashamed to have been her first regret in any way, shape or form.

Now, the morning after, was a moment of reckoning. Ryder felt responsible for deciding how, if at all, to handle the topic. Should he approach her as if nothing had happened? Bring up the subject and ask if she wanted to talk about it? Hanging out at the cabin for another day and night meant that avoidance was not an option. He couldn't dismiss the situation even though that would be his usual manner for letting the subject die a natural death.

He winced as he tried to stretch and move. His neck felt as if it had a lump in it and his hips were stiff from many hours of not moving. Stretching beyond his full height as he stood helped ease some of the discomfort and he tried to stretch his neck to each side. After disappearing to the bathroom, Ryder stopped in the bedroom and threw on a t-shirt and sweatpants. Grasping the top of the doorframe, he stretched once again as if he was reorienting his body to the space now available to it. He poured himself a large glass of water and headed to the porch where Julie remained sitting with her hands wrapped around her legs.

"Hey," he whispered as he placed his hand on Julie's shoulder and squeezed.

She looked back over her shoulder and grinned, "Good morning."

"Did you draw this?" Ryder asked with intrigue as he lifted up the tablet with Claire's picture on it.

Sinking into herself a bit, Julie uncomfortably admitted, "Yes. It's not very good. It's supposed to be my mom."

"I can tell, I mean, from the pictures I've seen. You two look alike, but her eyes are a little different," he commented, not wanting to point out that Claire's eyes consistently appeared to be softer and more tender than Julie's sharper and more honed ones. "This is really beautiful, JJ. I had no idea you were an artist."

"I'm not," she shrugged as she shook her head. "I just sketch out pictures when I'm trying to process what's on my mind."

"No, really, don't sell yourself short. This is excellent," Ryder insisted, worried about what she'd been trying to process and concerned that it had to do with the previous night's kissing and drinking.

An awkward halt temporarily ended the conversation, and Ryder set the sketch pad back on the lounge chair before walking to the edge of the deck and staring at the ocean. Julie resisted the temptation to run back into the house and hide under the blankets on her bed, even though that action appealed to her more than any other option. Instead, she flipped the tablet to the next page and continued creating a sketch of Hannah.

Ryder turned around and pulled another lounge chair close to Julie's and asked, "Who's that?"

"Nobody," Julie dismissed as she leaned the pad away from Ryder's view.

"I was afraid it was me with really long hair," he quipped.

Julie smiled and popped the tablet on his head playfully. "It's not you."

"Heyyyy," he sounded out slowly, "there's my pal, JJ. I was wondering where her smile was this morning."

She closed the tablet, smirked and then stretched out on the chair. Closing her eyes, she hoped to buy some time to think about what, if anything, she would tell Ryder about Hannah and about Adam's past.

"Hung over? Queasy? Really tired?" he questioned.

"No," Julie answered simply, not sure how to say, everything I know to be true is crumbling around me, that's all.

Ryder read her tone and did not hear any anger or animosity; however, the short answer left little room for ongoing discussion. Forcing himself to end the silence, Ryder sputtered, "We're… we're ok, you and I, right?"

Julie opened one eye and asked, "What do you mean?"

"You're pretty quiet this morning. I'm… I'm sorry if I let things go too far last night," he offered. "I tried to make sure you didn't cross any lines you really didn't want to cross," he explained.

With her eyes closed once again, Julie stated flatly, "You don't need to apologize, Ryder. I was the one throwing myself on you."

"You weren't throwing yourself on me," Ryder scoffed.

"Whatever," Julie responded with disinterest. "I initiated the kissing. That's all I meant."

Falling back on his customary banter, Ryder added, "and running your hands in places you wouldn't want the Captain to see."

With squiggled lips, Julie opened her eyes, lowered her brows, and claimed, "I only recall one handsy moment. Must've scared you, huh, Hunt?"

"Very funny, Kissy Queen," Ryder groaned.

"Kissy Queen?" Julie scoffed. "Did you text Lucas for that one?"

"Nolan, actually," Ryder chuckled.

"Ah… should've known," Julie nodded with a soft chuckle.

Ryder uncomfortably wrung his hands and sought to confirm, "So we're ok, then?"

"Yeah," Julie affirmed. "Why wouldn't we be?"

"Well, you know… we… uh… we hang out together a lot, but usually don't end the night… umm… by… you know, making out," Ryder described with obvious hesitation.

"You have nothing to worry about, Ryder. I promise not to clumsily throw myself into your chest again," Julie responded, again with closed eyes.

"I didn't mean… it was… well, I'm not protesting or anything. I wasn't complaining," Ryder attempted to explain.

"You sound like such a girl right now, Hunt," Julie exhaled. "Stop trying to define what happened and move on."

Shocked by her words, Ryder shrugged and let out a soft, "Oh… ok."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'

At the Lake House, Amelia snuggled against Owen with her tummy against his side. She was deeply asleep and didn't stir when the baby began kicking and stretching enough for Owen to feel. Dozing, Owen lay his hand on Amelia's bump and rubbed where the hands and feet struck. A contented smile filled his face as his mind wandered.

Half an hour later, Anna slipped into the Master Bedroom. She was scared, but trying to appear brave. Relieved when she saw Owen's open eyes, she whispered, "Daddy?"

"Good morning, Annabelle," Owen grinned. "The baby is moving around this morning. Want to feel the kicks?"

"Maybe, but I came in here to tell you something," Anna bit her bottom lip and gazed around the room.

Crap…what did she do? Owen wondered. "What's up?" Owen inquired, trying not to sound perturbed.

"I think that maybe I heard a weird noise that woke me up," Annabelle explained.

Ria came dragging in, using her walker. Before seeing the scene, she began speaking, "Daddy, something in the garage made loud noises."

"It was probably the dogs, girls," Owen reassured them.

The twins shook their heads. "They're sleeping with Lucas," Ria explained.

Sleepily, Owen attempted, "Maybe it was an opossum or a rat then."

"Eeewwww," Ria grumbled with a sour expression.

"Will you go check, Daddy? I don't want Lucas to wake up and be scared," Anna tried to reason, attempting to hide her own fear.

Inhaling slowly, Owen sat up, "I'll go see. Let Mom sleep, though."

The girls followed Owen to the top of the stairs and waited there for their hero to report back on the status of their safety.

While they waited, Ria shared lovingly, "Since you stopped eating eggs, you've been a lot nicer."

"Happier, too," Anna nodded. "I used to feel crabby all the time."

"And cranky," Ria agreed.

"Those are the same thing," Anna giggled.

"You were both," Ria joined in the laughter. "But you aren't like that anymore."

"I like feeling this way," Anna confirmed. "I guess Mom was right – I'm not supposed to eat eggs."

Ria smiled tenderly and concluded, "I'm glad you aren't mean and angry all the time anymore."

Just as Anna was about to respond, Owen came running up the stairs. He walked past the twins. Before he entered his bedroom, he called out, "Mia?" Anna helped Ria stand up and grab hold of the walker, then the two made their way into the bedroom.

"Good morning," Amelia yawned as she stretched. "What time is it?"

"8:30," Owen reported. "But, Mia, what car did Ry take to the beach? He took the SUV, right?"

"I thought he borrowed Nolan's Jeep," Amelia responded sleepily. "Why?"

With a concerned grimace, Owen disclosed, "The SUV isn't in the garage. Who drove it last? Maybe it's in the driveway." He walked to Ryder's room and peered out the window, calling back, "Nope, not in the driveway."

"I can call him," Amelia suggested.

"It's not in the shop or at the hospital," Owen detailed as he imagined various scenarios. "Ryder must have it, right?"

"Let's see," Amelia smirked as she waited for Ryder to answer his phone, but received his voicemail. "Hmm… let me try Julie."

Still stretched out on the lounge while Ryder sat up beside her and stared at the ocean, Julie reached for her phone without opening her eyes.

"Here it is, JJ," Ryder offered as he picked up the phone she kept missing by a half inch. "That's weird… it's my mom."

"Go ahead and answer it," Julie suggested.

"Mama Bear! What's up in the woods this morning?" Ryder greeted with a cheery voice.

"I just tried you," Amelia told him.

Ryder explained, "Yeah, my phone's inside. We're out on the deck."

"How's the weather?" Amelia wondered as Owen paced impatiently in front of her.

"Cool but nice. We had a great night last night. Everything's great," Ryder assured her, wondering why she was calling.

Amelia questioned, "And Julie's having fun? She knows the others, right? Everyone's getting along?"

"Did you really call us to see if we're all playing nice?" Ryder laughed.

"No. Dad's wondering about something, Bear. Did you take the SUV to the beach?" Amelia inquired.

"Nolan let me borrow his Jeep," Ryder told her, "but, geesh, I swear he was tempted to make me promise him my trust fund if I damaged it."

Giggling, Amelia commented, "I'm sure it wasn't quite that extreme."

"You know Nolan. Everything has to be analyzed and considered," Ryder noted.

"Back to the SUV, you haven't seen it or used it?" Amelia asked.

"No, I used the van earlier in the week. I haven't driven the SUV for a while. Why? What's up?" Ryder pressed.

"Actually, I'm not sure," Amelia admitted as she held the phone up for Owen. "Why are we asking about the SUV?"

"Ryder, hi," Owen answered. "It's not in the garage and not in the driveway. I was hoping you'd taken it."

"Nope, but I'll be happy to borrow the Boxster anytime you hope I've taken that one," Ryder chuckled.

Owen shook his head, "Right. Cutting this short for now, then. Everyone safe and having fun at the beach?"

"Yeah, good times, Dad," Ryder confirmed. "Good luck on the car search."

After concluding the call and handing the phone back to Amelia, Owen shared, "Where the hell is the SUV then?"

"Just a sec… text from Ryder," Amelia reported. She read it and responded, "That smartass… he just wrote Anyone seen Livs? We can hope she took the SUV and ran away.

Without a word, Owen stomped down the hall and discovered an empty bedroom. "Dammit," he yelled.

"Girls, why don't you go start breakfast," Amelia suggested to the twins. She forced herself out of bed and threw on a robe before heading down the hall. Meeting Owen in Olivia's room, she sighed, "Oh, Ryder, always a step ahead of us… he called it."

"Now what?" Owen began to fume. "If I call the police…"

"Don't start there," Amelia shook her head. "How about if we try calling her?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'
Back at the beach house, Julie and Ryder were rummaging around the kitchen for food. As they searched, Julie asked with a practical curiosity, "Why didn't you sleep in the bed? It's plenty big for both of us."

"Because you were handsy," he reported in a matter-of-fact tone as he buttered some toast.

She turned toward the fridge and rooted around for some juice. Holding the bottle in one hand and water in the other, Julie offered, "I was planning to hang out in bed and read. Wanna join me?" She held up her hands and assured him, "My hands are all full. You're safe."

Ryder attempted to smooth down his chaotic, windblown bedhead and followed her to the bedroom. He mentioned, "James and Jana were… umm… up late. I doubt we'll see them for a while."

"That loud, hmm?" Julie asked as she raised an eyebrow. Ryder fell onto the bed, worked his way under the blankets, and closed his eyes. He grinned like a little boy and snuggled with a pillow. Julie gazed down at her friend and ran her hand through his wayward hair. Flashing forward, she sighed when she realized all that darling hair would soon be shaved off. She giggled to herself imagining what Ryder would look like with a buzz cut. At least seeing him in uniform would balance out the bad hair, she reasoned.

After studying rates for the Academy, even though she'd been encouraged not to do so ahead of time, Julie found her eyelids becoming heavy. She set the book aside and slid onto her back for a cat nap. A few minutes later, as Julie was about to fall asleep, Ryder turned on his side his arm flung over her side. She reveled in the feeling of Ryder snuggling up to her and of resting his hand on her torso. She smiled and placed her hand atop his. The two napped peacefully basking in one another's warmth and touch.