THE BEST PART OF ME

Chapter 2 – The Stupid Time

Of course Donna knew when she'd told Rachel that she'd help her with her workload and think about the 'situation' she was in later, that it would be impossible.

Donna was led by intuition and she was the master at sensing other's feelings. She could tell what someone was thinking just by looking at them, or analysing their appearance or, in Harvey's case, the position of his tie. But with herself it was different. She was always in control of her feelings. Always.

Except now she wasn't.

Her thoughts were spiralling out of control and she felt panicked. She always lived in the present, but today she was having to think about the future. And the future was terrifying her.

Except for just one thing. The baby. Something to show for her forty plus years on the planet. Something important that would be hers. A purpose. When she dared to let herself think about that, rather than the mess surrounding it, she felt happy. Or was she? She thought she was, but she couldn't be sure. It would be different if it weren't such a mess. It would be different if she were happily married and living in a brownstone townhouse with a walled garden. *sigh*. Her mind was wandering, but she couldn't stop the thoughts popping up like puppets in a puppet show.

Rachel had brought all of the Smith and Westland files through to Harvey's office and the pair of them sat at his table. Harvey wouldn't be back until after six, so they had the entire afternoon to work away at his caseload, removed from the hustle and bustle of the office. Rachel had blasted through three files within 20 minutes, while Donna? Well Donna was chewing on her pencil, deep indents scratched into the red paint. Why the hell was she even using a pencil? That was going to look shit on a professional document.

"Donna, how are you getting on?" Rachel asked, breaking her friend's deep concentration. She was picking away at the pink eraser tip of the pencil now, casting tiny shavings of rubber onto the pristine glass table.

"Hmm?" Donna's trance broke and she looked at the mess in front of her, comparing it with Rachel's neatly stacked pile of papers. She frowned. "I'm sorry, I guess I can't do this."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Well you can't just sit there demolishing Harvey's stationery."

"I know, I'm sorry." She wafted the pink pieces of eraser onto the floor.

"Donna, it's okay, really. You've had a big … huge life-changing shock this afternoon. Are you sure you don't just want to go home? Or why don't you go and speak to Mitchell?"

Donna reclined back in the chair and let out the longest sigh Rachel had ever heard. It was so long Rachel was willing her to breathe. "I broke up with Mitchell," she said finally.

"You did? Donna you didn't say …"

"I know. It wasn't a big thing. To be truthful I wasn't all that bothered."

"Did you break it off, or did he?"

Donna turned to look at Rachel, her dark brown eyes were insistent, yet concerned at the same time. Like a mom. Or a sister. She thought of Rachel as a sister. She was better than a sister. They 'got' each other so well. "He broke it off," she said, her face crushed with resolve. "We had been fighting for weeks. Well on and off for weeks as Mitch worked away so much with the theatre. That was the funny thing. I didn't know where he was from one day to the next because of his theatre group, but he took offence at my spending so much time here. Selfish prick!"

"Was this about time spent with Harvey again?" Rachel knew Donna had a history of losing boyfriends through her boss. Nobody understood Donna and Harvey's relationship. Nobody. Hell, Donna and Harvey didn't understand the strength of their need for each other, so how were their lovers going to process it?

"Yeah, it was just before Mike … during the trial." She was trying not to bring Mike into the conversation. She didn't want Rachel to think her fiancé had anything to do with Mitchell leaving her. "I tried to explain to him how things were with us all, but nobody … well nobody has ever understood how we're like family, have they? I got really pissed off with him for not understanding and … well … that's the way it always ends."

"I wish you'd told me Donna," soothed Rachel as she brought her chair closer to her friend, placing one hand on her arm. For Rachel the romantic notion of Donna having a complete family for her baby was smashed to pieces and she couldn't disguise the sadness she felt for her.

"I've already said I don't care." Donna replied more emphatically now as she didn't want any sympathy over the break-up. "I wasn't bothered then and I'm sure-as-hell not bothered now. He was so kind and funny to begin with, but after a while he grated on me. There was something missing … he wasn't …" Her train of thought broke off as she mentally compared him to Harvey. Her Harvey. "Anyway, it doesn't matter."

"Donna it does matter if you're …" She tucked her head into the space between them so she could whisper. The gesture was pointless. They were alone and nobody could hear them. "If you're … going to have his baby."

Donna's eyes flashed with surprise. Mitchell's baby? She closed her eyes and mentally added up the dates, prodding her fingers under the table as she counted off the windows in an imaginary calendar in her mind. It wasn't the first time she'd done the math. It was worth considering … again … because if she got any of this wrong it would be disastrous.

"What is it?" asked Rachel. "He wasn't married or anything, was he?"

Donna smiled widely at the thought. "No," she said. "What do you take me for?" Jesus, Mitchell was so high maintenance she'd been over the goddamn moon when he'd dumped her. By text. At 2.00am (the dick!). It had saved her the trouble of doing it herself. If he'd been married she'd have sent him back to his wife in no time.

"Then what is it?" said Rachel. "I'm sure he'll be fine if you tell him, you know. I mean, it's not the twenties, or the fifties, or whatever decade made … you know … men discard fallen women."

"Fallen women?" repeated Donna, her eyes shooting a 'wtf' in Rachel's direction. "Seriously?"

Rachel dismissed her choice of words with a giggle. "I'm just saying, he'll do right by you, won't he? You don't have to be worried about telling him."

Donna squinted again. She was having a pointless conversation. So pointless that she had resumed chewing on the pencil. She didn't feel ready for an interrogation once the Mitchell question was all sewn up and out of the way, but what choice did she have now?

"Rachel, I haven't seen Mitch for six weeks," she said firmly, but softly.

"That's okay. It doesn't matter, he'll still want to see you and …"

Donna was exasperated. "Rachel, do I need to spell it out," she said, interrupting her friend sharply. "I haven't seen Mitch for six weeks and I haven't been 'with' him in the … you know … sense for even longer than that.

"Yeah, I heard you."

"So?" Donna's eyes grew wide as she waited for the penny to drop.

Suddenly, Rachel flopped back in her chair, exhaling as if she'd had the wind knocked out of her. "Shit," she gasped. "He's not the father is he?"

Donna shook her head. She knew her maths was correct. She'd been with Mitchell, what? Seven maybe eight weeks ago. She was a week late. She'd had a period in between those dates.

"Oh my god!" Rachel pulled her hair back from her face, her mouth wide open in surprise. This was huge, but now it was even huger. "Oh my god, Donna. What? Who?"

Donna leant forward on the table, her elbows hitting it with a thud as she put her head in her hands. She'd have to tell. "Oh god," she muttered, "of all the stupid, fucking stupid …"

"Donna, it'll be okay, just tell me."

"No it won't be okay." Her face was hidden beneath a curtain of orange hair as she kept her head down. She half-wished her friend would give up and leave her alone, but she knew she wouldn't.

Rachel waited patiently for Donna to pull her thoughts together. The wait was killing her. She was desperate to know what the hell had happened. How had her always sensible and 'together' friend got herself in such a godawful mess?

Finally Donna sat back up, tossing her hair back around her shoulders. "Right, okay, I'm going to tell you, but you have to promise me …"

"I promise," said Rachel eagerly.

"You haven't heard what I was going to ask."

"I know, I know, but whatever it is I promise." Rachel spoke so quickly that her voice squeaked. She was desperate for Donna to tell her the story.

Donna breathed out of the corner of her mouth, her eyes telling Rachel she needed to calm the excitement down. This wasn't Christmas morning and this revelation was no Santa coming down the chimney. It was more like a herd of elephants crapping on the carpet. "I need you to promise you will leave me to deal with this in my own time, no badgering me or asking me questions or telling me what to do because I need to get my head straight first. I know you want to help, but … shit … Rach, I don't know what I'm going to do so just …"

"Donna, it's okay, I get it. I'll keep out of it, I swear. I'll offer help and advice and anything else only if you ask me for it."

"And you won't pressure me to do anything until I'm ready?"

"Absolutely. I promise."

Donna squinted at her. 'Yep, wait until you hear,' she thought to herself, knowing that Rachel was probably going to have more to say further down the line than she could promise right now.

"So …?" said Rachel as she shuffled her chair up as close to Donna as she could, waiting with baited breath for her to begin.

"It happened the night Mike went to prison. Jessica, Louis and I came back here straight away, Harvey came back later, after he'd checked you were okay, remember? We all talked, I think we were here all night …" She trailed off. Her mind filled with dread as she recalled that awful day. They'd never been so down, yet somehow after they had all talked, it had turned full circle. All four of them fired each other up to continue. They had so much fight. She looked at Rachel who was watching her, waiting for her to continue as if her life depended on it. She felt so stupid and she was surprised that this was so hard for her to reveal. She decided to just blurt it out as fast as she could and get it over with. "We all drank and we all got high."

"What? You, Harvey, Jessica … and Louis?"

"Yep. It was a good night actually. You should have seen Louis stoned, oh my word … he was rolling around on Jessica's carpet miaow-ing. He channelled his dead cat and then he fell asleep. On the floor. We left him there all night."

Rachel burst into laughter, covering her mouth as she imagined the scene. "Oh my god, you should have video-d it. I would pay good money to see that!"

Donna laughed then abruptly stopped, her eyes vacant as the happy memories of that night were slammed out of her mind by the 'oh shit' memories.

Rachel's giggles subsided and she noticed Donna's expression had changed. "And …?" She composed herself, resting her head on her arm, waiting for Donna to continue.

"I can't even remember how it happened. We were drunk and stoned and we talked about my persuading him not to turn himself in and that I'd said I didn't want to lose him … and then …"

Wham! Rachel got it. The magnitude of the mess increased a hundred fold as she realised. It had been huge before. Now it was universe-huge. No, infinity-huge. "Harvey?" She put her hand over her mouth instinctively as she gasped. It was a name and a question. In one. But she already knew the answer.

"Yes."

"Shit."

"Unless … I'm more pregnant than I think and …"

"Donna, you're not more pregnant than you think, are you?"

Donna sighed, tears forming in her eyes. "No, I'm not. Harvey is the father."

Rachel didn't know what to say. This had been some afternoon! She thought back to buying the pregnancy tests in her lunch break. She'd allowed herself to imagine Donna being pregnant and couldn't help herself think about Mike teasing her. They were like brother and sister the way they used to look out for each other, yet rib each other mercilessly. Donna was terrible for teasing, but Mike had learned to give it back just as good. What the hell was he going to make of this?

"Have you spoken about that night?" Rachel wondered how on earth she didn't have even the slightest inkling that this had happened.

"Not really. We were both quite embarrassed and we put it down to the drink … and the pot. Then we just had so much work to get through and we had to concentrate on that. I know Harvey hates talking about his feelings so … well, it was … let's just say it was a bit wild and … impromptu anyway."

"Impromptu?" said Rachel with a little laugh, "that's one way of describing it."

Donna wasn't seeing the funny side. "Rachel, if you don't mind, I don't think I want to talk about this anymore. Not when I haven't spoken about it with Harvey."

"Sure, I'm sorry." She felt a bit ashamed for not choosing her words more considerately. This was serious. Deadly serious.

"I know, I'm just … Jesus, Rach, my brain is just all over the place." She rubbed her head, ruffling her hair in the process. "I think I'll go back to my desk, I'm sorry, I'm not much use at the moment. I'm likely to screw up and ruin some poor Smith and Westland employee's life forever. I'm better off answering the phones and doing easy jobs."

She stood up and moved swiftly to the door, leaving Rachel to stare after her. Before she left she turned around and smiled, "thanks for all this, Rach. I don't know what I would have done without you." Her voice broke slightly as she spoke, tugging at Rachel's heart.

"This is all going to be fine, you know? Please don't worry," said Rachel reassuringly. "Harvey will be fine. Actually, you know what, I think he'll be better than fine. I think he'll be a great dad!"

"Yeah," said Donna. "I hope you're right."