THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 3 – Obliterating the Line

Donna sat back at her desk watching Rachel beaver away inside Harvey's office. She felt guilty. They had all been working so hard for weeks and now … because of that one stupid, stupid, STUPID, mistake … everything was going to turn to shit.

Why? Why did she …?

She knew why.

She was in love with Harvey Specter … and she probably always had been.

She stared blankly at her console as the program windows open on her screen blurred into a haze of pixels. 'Damn it', she screamed at herself. Why couldn't she stop tearing up? If this was going to happen for nine months she was going to get sick of herself pretty quickly.

She bowed her head and thought back to that night, allowing herself to daydream for a moment …

X X X

"Right … I think … that's me for the night …" Jessica rose from the sofa, but unfortunately she was a lot more wobbly than she expected and she tripped and tumbled backwards into Harvey's lap.

"Woah, there tiger!" Harvey giggled as his partner thudded into him.

"Jesus … haha … goddamn it … I can't get up!" Jessica was stoned and drunk and … hell she was so much fun like this. Donna made a mental note to unleash 'Fun Jessica' on Harriet Specter and Michelle Ross's next night out.

"Well why don't you just stay here." Harvey laughed as he snaked his arms around his managing partner's middle. Donna grimaced. 'Inappropriate Harvey!' her eyes screamed at him.

"Just get me up, you Idiot, and Harvey … get your hands off me or I'll goddamn slap the shit out of you!"

Harvey laughed but pushed her up onto her feet. "Okay, you're up, I give in. But, not because I'm scared of you."

Donna giggled at him. "You're totally scared of her, Harvey."

"Am not!"

"Yes you are!"

Jessica teetered on her heels, the room spinning around her like a seventies disco ball. "Woah what the hell have I smoked? Where did you get that shit, Harvey?"

"Coffee cart guy," replied Harvey as he slumped down on Jessica's cream sofa, resting his head on a cushion. "That guy's wicked."

"Get off my goddamn sofa," snapped Jessica. "I'm not having you drooling on it. Go home. We have work to do tomorrow!" She swayed and sashayed from the seating area to the door but stopped, looking down to the snoring bundle at her feet. "What the hell are we going to do with him?"

Donna turned and propped herself over the back of the armchair, her head resting on her hands. "Oh god, look at him. He's so cute when he's stoned …"

Jessica looked at her as if she was mad. "Louis is cute?" She raised her eyebrows in wonderment. How did Donna see people so differently than she did?

"Sure he's cute," she said. "Look at his 'ickle' face."

Harvey started to giggle again as he lay on Jessica's sofa, ignoring her previous demands to get up.

"What's so funny?" asked Donna.

"You are." He hugged his sides as he laughed. "Just leave him. I'm not waking him up. He'll start purring or miaow-ing or he'll try to lap up white wine from a bowl on the floor again. Jesus as long as he's quiet leave him!"

"Harvey, don't be so cruel, we can't leave him there?" Donna looked affectionately at Louis who was curled up in a foetal position on the floor. He'd been a reluctant drug-taker from the outset, but they'd all talked him into it. Poor soul.

"Like hell we can't!" said Harvey again. "I'm not going to wake him up, so if you want to, be my guest, but you're dealing with him if he starts purring again!"

"Right, okay, I don't give a shit what you do, I'm going," said Jessica as she stumbled towards the door. "You two need to go home too … Jesus what time is it? Shit, it's almost 3.00am. Right, meeting tomorrow 8.00am no … I'll be kind … 8.30am. We have lots to do and as fun as tonight has been, we've got a hell of a lot to get done tomorrow, so go home and get some sleep. Tomorrow we start afresh. That's an order!"

They both watched Jessica leave through the glass of her office wall. She was teetering on her heels as if her life depended on it. Donna thought she heard her exclaim 'fuck it' and she laughed. Moments later the heels were off and a bare-foot Jessica staggered towards the elevators.

"Have you got a blanket?" asked Donna to Harvey.

"No, I'm fine, you don't have to tuck me in. I'm getting up in a minute."

"Not for you, for Louis!"

"What? Jesus, Donna forget about Louis. He's having a good sleep … wait … does Jessica have a marker?"

"Probably, why?"

Harvey rose from the sofa, his face lit up with mischief. "Louis is asleep … we have to do things to him …"

"No way, you're not, leave him be!"

"Get outta town! You're usually the first to jump on the taking the piss out of Louis bus. Come on, we can't let this opportunity pass!"

"Harvey, I'm serious, I forbid it. Don't piss him off. He's going to wake up as mad as hell at you as it is for forcing him to smoke pot."

"I didn't force him, Jessica did."

"You both did, so leave him alone!"

"You're no fun anymore. You need more drink!"

Donna stood up and swayed, her royal blue dress stuck to her hip with what? What the hell was that on her dress? Scotch? Wine? 'Oh who cares,' she thought as she ruffled it back down and rung out the wetness onto the carpet. "It's 3.00am. I'm going home. Where's my bag?"

Harvey sighed. "I think it's on your desk."

"Is it? Urgh I'll have to walk along the corridor and back again and I don't think I can without falling over."

"I'll get it," he said as he bolted to the door.

"No, it's fine." She lurched after him, stumbling against the walls of Jessica's office as she moved. "Woah this isn't good," she said in a fit of giggles. She kicked off her shoes into the middle of the corridor. "Race you!" she said teasingly as she headed off down the hallway.

Harvey sprang after her and tripped, crashing full force in the wall. "Fucking hell, my legs don't work. Shit my arm."

Donna looked behind her and laughed.

"Oh don't help me whatever you do!" he called after her.

"I'm concentrating on winning," she called back. "I like to win BIG. You're going to lose SMALL … or something … does that make sense?"

"No, it makes no fucking sense at all …"

She got there first, picked up her bag and crashed into Harvey's office, heading for his sofa. "Oh my god, that was awful. I feel sick. The room won't stop spinning."

Harvey came in after her. "I think I'll call Ray."

"Don't it's 3.00am! That would make you a complete dick!"

"Yeah, well I am a dick and I don't give a shit. I need a ride and I can't get out of here on my own."

"Harvey don't call him. He'll be asleep, let him sleep. I'll help you into a taxi."

"How can you help me? Look at the state of you!"

She sat up, mouth agape. "What do you mean?"

"You're pissed and stoned"

"So … I'll have you know I am still more than capable of walking. As I have just proved."

"Proven."

"Whatever!"

"Donna," said Harvey as he sat down next to her, his voice laced with mischief again. "I like you when you're stoned."

Donna cocked an eyebrow at him. "You do?"

"Yes, we should do it more often." He laughed and he lay back on his sofa, resting the whole length of his arms on the back.

They sat in silence for a moment, both of them reflecting on the day they'd had. They had drowned their sorrows with drink and drugs, but they both knew they'd feel the pain again in the morning. That awful, desperate pain that had cursed them for the past few months. And then the loss … Nothing was going to be the same again for any of them.

"Do you think we're going to be able to fix this, Harvey?"

"Oh no, you've gone serious. Don't be serious. Not tonight. Do you want another drink?"

"No, Harvey, I definitely don't want another drink." She straightened her crumpled dress. It was one of her favourites, the one she'd picked to wear as bridesmaid for Rachel and Mike's impromptu wedding that never was. Now it was soaked with drink. She hoped it dry-cleaned well as it meant even more to her now.

"Donna," said Harvey. There was something 'serious' in the way he spoke her name which made her insides flip over. She looked into his eyes. They were different. The fun had gone, reality had come crashing back.

"What is it, Harvey?" she said in her soft, gentle voice.

He paused. Reflecting on what he was about to say. Donna wondered if Dr. Agard had unleashed a Harvey onto the world who was now going to be able to do this … the talking stuff. "Did you mean what you said?"

Donna squinted at him. He was searching her face, waiting for an answer, but she didn't have a clue what he was talking about. "What did I say?"

"That night. In your apartment."

'Shit' what night? The 'I love you Donna' night? That was almost a year ago. He wasn't bringing that up now surely.

He saw her confusion so he elaborated. "When I was going to turn myself in. Did you mean what you said?"

"I always mean what I say Harvey." He should know this.

"Okay," he replied. "Well thank you."

"For what, Harvey?"

"For having faith in me … and …" his fingers trailed dangerously next to hers and she took a sharp intake of breath. He skimmed her hand and she bristled, feeling his closeness through ripples deep within her pelvis. "… and … saying you didn't want to lose me."

Her face flushed as he invaded their separate spaces and took hold of her hand. Her head was spinning, which wasn't helping her focus. "Harvey … I … think I should go."

"Why?" he asked looking longingly into her eyes.

"Wow, this is familiar," she said with a laugh as she withdrew her hand from his.

"Yeah it is." He laughed pensively as he remembered 'that' evening at her apartment. "I think this is where you get your coat and say 'you know I love you, Harvey'."

She twisted her mouth and rolled her eyes at him. "Would that make you feel better?"

"Not if you're pitying me."

"Harvey … we haven't talked properly about this … it's not the right time."

"I don't care, I've had the shittiest day of my life and I've had the worst, most godawful few months of my life. Actually I've had the worst year of my life …" He shot to his feet and walked to his record shelves. He was a man with a mission, searching through the collection for the perfect album.

"Harvey, what are you doing?"

"You're not leaving yet." He searched the shelves, pulling out album after album. "The night is still young. I want to dance … and have another drink."

Donna sank into the dark leather of the sofa. If she had the energy she'd fight him, but she didn't and spending the night sleeping on his sofa was looking more and more appealing. She'd be good for the morning. She had her 'emergency' make-up kit in the bottom drawer of her desk.

"A-ha!" said Harvey as he staggered over to his record player, vintage LP under his arm.

Moments later music was blasting into the office. Funky music. She didn't have a clue what it was, but it sounded something 70's-ish. She just lay on the sofa, yearning for sleep as he poured them a glass of scotch each. 'God, not more scotch.'

"Dance with me!" He swung around from the table in the corner with glass of scotch in each hand.

"Harvey … I …"

"Come on, you're not going home until you dance with me. Then I'll put you in a cab, I promise."

Donna sighed and rose to her feet. "Where are my goddamn shoes?"

"I don't know."

"Oh they're in the hall," she said, starting to laugh. "I couldn't run … earlier … haha, Jesus, Harvey what are we doing?"

"We're dancing." He grabbed hold of her waist and spun her around. "Come on, let's enjoy tonight. We've a battle to start fighting tomorrow, but tonight can be ours."

Her face flushed as she relented, allowing him to swing her around in his arms, tipping her backwards for comic effect, dancing around the office like they were … well like they were two stoned and drunk not quite young, not quite middle-aged people who'd just had one hell of a year.

"Ouch! Jesus Christ Harvey my foot!"

"Sorry, sorry …" he pleaded as Donna bent over and rubbed her toes. "I've an unfair advantage. I've got my dancing shoes on and you haven't."

"Yeah, well go easy Fred Astaire! I'd like my foot in one piece tomorrow because I've got lots of asses to kick with it."

He squinted quizzically. "You have?"

"Damn right I have. Every administrator, receptionist, associate who left us is going to feel the wrath of Donna tomorrow. You don't shit on my team. End of story!"

He smiled. He loved her passion. He resumed his hold on her waist, but then he froze.

Harvey's expression changed, his eyes sparked in the darkness of the office sending flutters in her stomach again. She'd seen that look before. A few times. She'd seen it in her apartment a year ago. She'd seen it every time she'd caught him watching her unexpectedly. She'd seen it when he visited her to discuss turning himself in. It was the look that usually pre-empted his running away, but this time he didn't run. He held his position, his eyes locked on hers, one hand around her waist, his other hand reaching up and circling tendrils of her red hair around in his fingers.

"I love your hair." He was still holding his gaze. He was still looking at her like that. He was closing the gap. The space between them disappeared and she could feel his breath at her throat.

"… Harvey …" she mumbled as his nose inched upwards, aligning with her cheek. "Harvey … I … think …"

"No you don't think you should go." He nuzzled into her neck, breathing in the aroma of her shampoo. She smelled of oranges.

"Yes I do think I should." She gasped as he turned his attentions to her ear, humming into it as his lips flicked her skin.

"Well, don't think it anymore," he whispered directly into her ear. "Not tonight. Whatever happens tonight is separate, it's secret … just …" he pulled away and brushed her hair from her face, aroused by the rapidity of her breathing. "Tonight we forget everything, because tomorrow we go to war." Then he leant in closely and kissed her.

She kissed him back. She couldn't help it. All of her sensibility had been drowned by the amount of drink and drugs she'd consumed. But more than that – she wanted him. "Harvey … okay … but we can't talk about this after tonight. Not ever again."

"We haven't done anything … yet," he said as he pushed her over to his window, kissing her mouth, kissing her neck, kissing her throat.

Donna moaned softly at his touch. "We have," she whispered breathlessly as he brushed her lips with his, his tongue tasting her as she parted her lips and allowed him to enter.

"Well we won't talk about this …" he said as he kissed her forcefully, his mouth consuming hers and their noses colliding awkwardly. "And we won't talk about this," he said as his hands felt every curve of her body, squeezing her breasts and sinking his mouth into her cleavage. "Oh and we won't talk about this either," he whispered as he moved her towards the window. His hand grabbed her ass as he picked her up and pushed her on top of his window ledge, scattering his trophy balls to the floor.

"Oh my god your balls!" They both laughed. The intensity evaporated like the steam of a hot coffee take-out on a winter morning as they both held each other, their bodies vibrating as they giggled.

"Leave me to worry about my balls." He resumed the kissing, pinning her against the window, holding her hands as he stretched out her arms against the city background.

"Are you going to fuck me in full view of the island of Manhattan?" She panted longingly into his ear as he let go of her arms and let his hands run up her thighs. She dug her fingers into his hair and she arched her back, pushing her pelvis against him and feeling his hardness pressing against her in return.

His eyes glinted as he pulled at the belt of his pants. "Damn straight, I am." He released himself and turned his attention to her clothing, pulling her skirt up around her hips. "If we're going to do this … once … then we have to do it in style."

Donna balanced awkwardly on the ledge as Harvey pulled down her panties and pushed himself against her thigh. She wrapped her hands around his hair as she felt all the boundaries they had built up over the last twelve years shatter into the past. That was where they belonged.

Then he paused. His body pressed against hers … waiting. "Are you sure about this?" he whispered breathlessly, his heartbeat pulsing strongly against her chest.

"Are you?" she answered, looking into his eyes.

"I've absolutely no idea?"

She responded by wrapping her legs around his body. "Just fuck me," she said, submitting to the strength of the ache deep within her. "I want you to fuck me."

"I want that too," he mirrored as his tip pressed into her slowly, carefully, making sure she was sure.

"Ah, you're driving me mad." He had to catch his breath as she grabbed his ass and pulled him into her.

She inhaled sharply as he entered her completely, thrusting deeply inside her as she hung onto him for balance, her desire making her hold him tightly. He pushed harder into her and she moaned into his throat, her mouth consumed by his, his body pinning her to the window, his hand dipping between them, circling her clit until her body erupted quickly.

The pulsing of her body sends him wild as he picks up the pace, slamming into her as she hangs tightly around his neck. Suddenly he can't hold on any longer and he empties into her, both of them panting, both of them too intoxicated to realise they'd crossed a line so huge they almost certainly would never be able to go back.

Or could they?

For minutes they stood entwined in each other, pressed up against the window of Harvey's office with the entire city at their feet. "That felt good." Harvey laughed as he brushed back her hair which was stuck, wet with sweat, to her face.

"Only … good …?" She looked into his eyes seductively. "I must be losing my touch. I'm usually awesome."

Harvey laughed. "Sorry, I meant 'awesome' … I … uhm … Donna …?"

Her eyes were closed. Her face felt so hot and her head started to spin around her as the walls of Harvey's office melted like candle-wax. "Oh shit."

"It's okay, I know, pretty mad, huh?" Harvey he ran his hand through his hair, looking at her as if they were naughty teenagers.

"I don't mean that." She got down from the ledge, pulling down her skirt and steadying herself against his floor lamp, almost pulling it over. "I mean … oh shit … I'm going to barf."

"What!" exclaimed Harvey. "Fuck, I've never had that effect on a woman before … here …" He pounced on his trashcan in the corner of the room and shoved it into her arms. "Just don't miss, I don't want puke on my carpet, it takes ages to shift the smell."

She fell to the floor and promptly threw up in the trash. Harvey grimaced. "Urgh".

"Thanks for your compassion," she said, rolling her eyes at him. She hung over the trashcan as he tucked his shirt back into his pants.

"Sorry, it's just … you're making me feel sick now."

She looked up for a moment to shoot him a glare before dry-retching a couple of times. "Urgh, god, I'm never doing this again."

"Which part?"

"All of it, the whole thing … what the hell were we thinking?"

"I was thinking that everything changes tomorrow, so tonight I'm going to have fun."

She stood up and looked at him, wiping at her mouth. "I need to go home."

"Why?"

"Don't start that again. We have a meeting in less than five hours remember?"

"Ok then, we probably should go home," he agreed as she passed him the trashcan. "You keep it!" he said.

"Aw, thanks Harvey. Just what I always wanted, a trashcan full of puke!"

"Well I don't want it. Hey, shall we put it in Louis's office."

"No," she said, her eyes wide and chastising.

He laughed again. "Do you think he's still there … in Jessica's office?"

"Probably."

"Right just leave it here behind the door. I'll stick a note on it for the janitor."

She nodded and put it down, gathering up the rest of her things and picking up her beige mac which was draped over the side of her cubicle. He stood in the doorway, watching her as she put her coat on. She could feel his eyes burning into her and she blushed, feeling embarrassed. She looked around slowly and he looked away. Neither of them knew what to say.

"So, see you tomorrow?"

He nodded. "Yep. Are you okay? I mean, to go home?"

"Yes, I feel much better after throwing up," she said with a laugh.

"And what about … uhm … the rest?"

"Do you need to talk about it?" she asked, knowing that that was probably the last thing he wanted to do right now.

"Not unless you do."

"I just need to sleep everything off, Harvey," she replied. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He nodded thoughtfully and she could tell that he was worrying already. He'd crossed the line he was terrified of crossing. The line which had always been straight and firm. The line which meant one thing … 'screw Donna, lose Donna'. So, as she walked past him she said what he needed to hear as opposed to what she wanted to say.

"Don't worry Harvey. It was just as you say. One mad night. Back to normal tomorrow, okay?"

Harvey looked up, accepting what she was telling him. She could tell by his face that she'd said the right thing as the tension seemed to leave him, his body relaxing. "Okay," he said. "Sleep well and remember 8.30am tomorrow."

"I know, I'll be there."

X X X

"What the hell are you doing?" Harvey's face crumpled into a frown as he stood over her desk.

She snapped back to reality, glancing around, wondering why Harvey was so angry and wondering when he'd gotten back from his meetings. She hadn't even noticed. Had she been asleep? "Excuse me?" she said, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Donna, Rachel has a mountain of work to do, have you helped her with any of it?"

He looked stressed. She felt guilty. She looked into his office and noticed Rachel standing in the doorway shrugging an apology. "I … tried … uhm … I …"

"Look forget it," he said dismissively, "I don't know what's gotten into you, but you're no goddamn use to me here, so you may as well go home!"

"That's not fair, Harvey … I …"

"Save it!" He shouted so aggressively that he made her jump and she swallowed hard. "We all need to buckle down and help each other out, you know that. Look, I get your job description is to answer my phone and set my calendar, but it's time to step up your goddamn game. You're letting the team down!"

Donna could feel tears stinging her eyes as Harvey turned his back on her, throwing his hands up in the air.

It was after 6.00pm.

She picked up her things and left.

No way in hell was she going to talk to him tonight.