I get up before my mother or Prim are awake but I don't go back to Peeta; it may be selfish but I was feeling a little angry about him shutting me out when I'd done my best to be honest with him. I didn't have to tell him my plan, I could have just gone without telling him but I respected him too much to do that.
Coin is in her office and looks a little startled to see me at this time of the morning. "Good morning, Soldier Everdeen" she greets me, she looks tired and I wondered if she ever sleeps. "How is motherhood suiting you?"
"It's hard" I reply honestly "but I love every minute of it."
The smile that stretches her lips is a sad one and I know why. "Yes" she nods "I remember what it's like; they could drive you to the brink of sanity but you'd still die for them."
"Do you wish you had?" I ask, without thinking, before shaking my head "I'm sorry, I shouldn't-"
"No, it's fine." She insists and I almost get the feeling that she wants to talk about it but is never really presented with an opportunity. "When I first lost them, my daughter and my husband, yes, I did want to follow them. The grief was so much that I could barely move but I had to help my people too; my husband and daughter were already gone, there was nothing more I could do for them, so I decided to love them through loving the people of thirteen. I'm not the only person who lost loved ones" she told me "a fact that I had to remind myself whenever the grief was threatening to consume me." Coin picks up a picture from her desk, it's framed in what looks like metal, the photo protected by glass; she hands it to me and I observe a tall, handsome man, who had an arm around Coin's shoulder and, in her arms, was a cute little girl with curly blond hair, bright blue eyes and a beautiful smile.
"She's beautiful" I tell her, handing the photo back carefully so not to break it. "She looks like you."
"She was an even mix of David and myself" she nods "but, yes, she was a very pretty little girl, bright too. She excelled in school but then I was her mother, I'm obviously prejudiced."
"Is" I corrected her "she may be gone but you are still her mother and that will never change."
Coin nods, tears welling in her eyes but she doesn't let them fall. Instead, she changes the subject. "I assume that you have reason for visiting me this early?"
I nod "I'd like to go to the Capitol" I say "I want to fight with the others."
"I'm sorry" she shakes her head "I can't send you; you haven't attended training and, as a new mother, it would be inadvisable. Your body needs time to recover." She eyes my stomach which was flat again; my mother had stated how lucky I was, that most women spend months, even years, trying to get rid of the baby weight and the stomach but for me to drop it almost immediately was very rare and very lucky.
"The doctors cleared me as soon as we left the bunker" I told her "please, let me train, and see what happens from there."
She thinks for a moment before giving a slight nod of her head "fine, with one condition,"
"What?"
"That I get to meet your son" her sad smile returns and I feel bad for her, so bad that I can't even think about saying no even if I'd wanted to, which I didn't.
"Of course. I'll bring him by at some point."
"It's ok, I'll come down during reflection…if that's alright."
"Perfectly fine" I say, neglecting to mention that I didn't really want to be in my living space right now. "Can you add Peeta to the list as well?" She nods in reply.
I get up to leave, thanking her, but before I was out the door she says "you'll both be expected at training beginning of next week, three days from now."
"Thank you" I say again before heading to breakfast.
As I sat alone, I pondered over my tray of grain, milk and bread roll. I hadn't particularly like Coin, there was something about her that put me on edge a little bit but, after seeing her today, I wondered if I'd judged her too quickly or too harshly; I wondered if she was just a woman who was still in pain over the loss of her family and then I wondered what I would have done in her situation. I love Peeta and Reed to death, I love them so much that it hurts; would I carry on or would I just give up? Would I think of a reason to carry on? I'd told Peeta that a life without him wasn't worth living and that I didn't want to live in a world where he no longer existed.
The pang in my heart told me more than I needed to know. I may be strong willed, well, strong enough to survive two arenas, but I wasn't strong enough to live without Peeta. He was my oxygen and, without him, I can barely breathe.
"Hey, Catnip" Gale greets as he sits down beside me with his tray "where's your head?"
"What?" I turn to him.
"You looked miles away" he grinned.
"Oh, no, I was just thinking about things" I say. "How are you after yesterday's mission?"
"Well enough" Gale tells me, digging into his grain "managed to cut my arm on some broken glass but the doctors patched me up. How's he doing?"
"Cinna?" My best friend nods "they're keeping him sedated to ease the healing process but they say that he'll be physically fine in a few weeks."
"And how's little frog face doing?"
I snort into my tray "don't let Peeta hear you calling him that!" My smile fades as I remember that Peeta is still unhappy with me.
"Trouble in paradise?"
"Leave it out, Gale" I say harshly.
"Hey, Katniss" he frowns "I wasn't asking out of malice; I'm asking as a friend who might be able to help." I explain the situation and, to my surprise, he softens a little. "God dammit, that boy is so hard to hate! Katniss, he's so damn in love with you it makes me jealous!" He chuckles to himself before sighing "he just wants to keep you safe; you know he's never going to let you go without him, right?"
"I know" I sigh "but I want him here so that he is safe. I think he took it the wrong way when I told him that I didn't want him there."
"Probably" Gale nodded "rejection is not an easy thing to deal with, I'm afraid, no matter how good your intentions."
I nod sadly, wondering how I'll ever face Peeta now before remembering that he has to stick to schedule today whereas I don't. Women, in thirteen, after having a baby are given a couple of weeks to rest up before they are expected to follow their schedules again; of course, until the child is old enough to attend pre-school, the schedules aren't as demanding but, when Reed hits three weeks old, he's expected to go to the nursery so that I'm free to go about my business. I'd secretly been dreading this.
"I'd better get back" I sigh, quickly finishing my breakfast. "See you at lunch?"
"See you at lunch, Catnip" he winks.
I'd missed Gale but he'd been true to his word, after he'd apologised, and it was good to have him back.
When I get back, I find Prim sitting on the bed trying to console Reed who's screaming inconsolably. "He's probably hungry" I say, hurrying over and taking my son from her. I'd woken in the night and fed him silently, without waking Peeta, before returning to Prim.
"Peeta went to breakfast" she told me as I held Reed to my breast; he stops crying and latches immediately.
"Ok" I say, stroking Reed's dark brown hair. He was the perfect combination of the both of us with my dark hair and skin and Peeta's beautiful eyes.
"Have you spoken to him?" She asks. I shake my head "well you should and don't leave it too long else it'll become harder to say what you need to say. I'm going to breakfast, see you later."
"Thanks, Prim" I tell her when she hugs me "I love you."
"Love you too" she says before smiling, kissing Reed, and leaving
Reed was chilled all day; I had to wake him for his next feed, changed his diaper whilst he slept and played with him when he was awake. "What do I tell your daddy?" I ask him as I wait for Peeta to return, he shouldn't be long now…unless he wasn't planning on returning. "How do I help him understand?" Reed just blinks up at me, not that I really expected anything more from him. "He loves you" I coo, kissing his head.
"He loves you too" a voice startled me. I look up to see Peeta leaning in the doorway, watching me. I hadn't even realised he was back, didn't hear the door open. He walks in and blows a raspberry at Reed. "I'm sorry, Katniss" he tells me "I was talking to Gale earlier, he helped me to understand what you'd said to me."
"I wasn't being horrible" I tell him "I just want to protect you."
"And I you" he kisses me "but we fight for him together, Katniss, so that he never has to go through the games like we did."
"Together" I nod before someone knocks on the door. "Oh, that'll be Coin" at Peeta's questioning expression, I say "she wants to meet Reed."