THE BEST PART OF ME
CHAPTER FOUR – Enough is Enough
For the last two weeks Donna had barely spoken to Harvey. Never before had she remained so pissed for so long. She hated it, but she couldn't bring herself out of it. It wasn't like her and she feared her Donna-ness was on vacation. A nine month long vacation.
She did all her usual jobs. She even took on extra work which would usually have been done by a paralegal. But that was all she managed. There was no 'Donna shit', as Harvey called it, no unwelcome opinion giving, no challenging him, no building him up. She could tell he knew something was up, but she didn't care. She just couldn't find a way to get herself back.
She was in no-man's land and she was terrified. Maybe the Donna she knew was gone for good, to be replaced by a Donna-Mom. She twisted her mouth into a grimace as she wondered what the hell she would be like and how she would fit into life at Pearson Specter Litt.
As for the 'situation', well, she had tried her best not to think about it. She had visited her doctor who had calculated she was exactly 'as pregnant' as she feared – not that having Mitchell's baby would have been a walk in the park either – but she was, today, exactly, seven weeks pregnant. Seven weeks since her last period. Five weeks since 'The Stupid Time'. Three weeks since she missed her next period. Two weeks since she found out. There was no doubt about it.
Four days ago Rachel had dared to do what she'd promised she wouldn't. She'd asked Donna when she was going to tell Harvey. It was like lighting a match. Whoosh! Her anger had flared up and she'd snapped. 'I told you to leave me a-goddamn-lone!' she'd screamed at her friend whose Bambi-brown eyes had cried out at her in hurt. They had avoided discussing that outburst, but Rachel hadn't dared raise the question again.
She sat at her desk and scrolled through Harvey's calendar of meetings on her console. It was the fourth time that day she'd had to go into the document to reschedule something. All she had left on her desk was filing. She was bored and to top it all off, today was the day her body had received a special delivery in the form of 'pregnancy symptoms'.
Donna had hoped she'd be one of the lucky ones, sailing through without so much as a craving, but today had proven her wrong. She had woken up at her usual time, her alarm beeping 5.30am into the blackness of her bedroom. She was used to this time of the day. The sky was always the same, a slight yellowy-pink-ish glow on the horizon, given by the rising sun. But this morning she didn't feel the same. At first she was startled, wondering if she was ill before she realised what it was. Nausea. A swimming sensation in her stomach and a lightness in her head. Even though she was lying down in bed, the feeling was strong, unmistakeable and very unpleasant. 'How long was this going to last?,' she wondered, worried and frustrated that this was going to be her life for the next few months and it was going to get worse before it got better.
Almost as bad as the nausea was the pain in her breasts. Both of them throbbed and ached as if they'd been punched by a battering ram. She instinctively grabbed one in each hand hoping to ease the discomfort, but nothing worked. Every month since she was a girl she'd felt a slight ache there signalling her period was due, but that was nothing like this. She lay in bed holding herself as the pain intensified, finally settling into her nipples with such stinging intensity that it took her breath away.
She thought a shower would help, but as she got undressed she was faced with yet another trauma. Staring back at her from the mirror was a body she didn't recognise. The translucent white skin of her breasts, which had always been lightly dusted with freckles, was now carved up by a roadmap of unsightly purple veins. She shrieked and wrapped her bathrobe around herself, allowing the nausea to finally render her on her knees, where she stayed, hugging the toilet bowl, for a good five minutes.
Donna groaned as she remembered her morning. She'd been late because it had taken her so long to get in the shower and get dressed, but as long as she made it into the office before Harvey – which she did – then all was well. She made a mental note to reset her alarm for 5.00am from now on.
Snapping back to her boredom infused cubicle, she felt another wave of nausea hit. Water. That was all she could manage as she pulled a bottle from her drawer and took a sip. As from today, she couldn't stomach coffee which she knew wouldn't go unnoticed for long. Donna was a caffeine addict, but even though she hadn't had any today, she wasn't missing her five-times-daily fix. Just the thought of a triple latte with skimmed milk and a dollop of cream and sugar made her stomach feel like it would turn inside out.
Her fingers tapped around her keyboard but she couldn't focus on the screen. She wanted to sleep. She allowed herself to flip onto chrome and she checked into her personal e-mails. Bam! Right at the top in bold-blue was a message from Mommy Circle, some stupid site she'd logged into a few days ago. The title of the message read 'you are seven weeks pregnant.' She clicked into it and scan read all of the main points of reference … morning sickness (check) … breast pain (check) … pelvic pain (nope, haven't go that yet) … extreme tiredness (check, actually triple check that) … food aversions (see you later caffeine!).
Her eyes ducked over her cubicle to see if anyone was heading her way as she clicked out of her e-mail and into Bloomingdale's website. This was her new guilty pleasure. Cute baby clothes. She had tried not to think too much about the baby over the last fortnight as it was just easier not to. Anticipating what was going to be the end result of this mess she'd gotten herself into hadn't come easy. Babies were bald and pink. They cried and they slept. And the pooped. That was all she knew. But baby clothes were unbelievably, awesomely cute. For a fashionista like Donna, baby clothes were an untapped source of wonderment and she had found herself gazing for hours at Chloe dresses and teeny-tiny Ralph Lauren rompers. She decided to find out the sex as soon as she could as baby-retail-therapy could be a temporary fixer for the loss of Donna … or … her heart skipped a beat as soon as the thought entered her head … she could buy something white now. Why not? She could get a taxi down to Bloomingdales at lunchtime and have a lovely hour of massively indulgent shopping time.
"Donna?"
She jumped at the mention of her name and shut down the internet window. 'Shit' that was close as she looked up to face Louis.
"What do you want, Louis," she said wearily.
Louis tutted. Then opened his mouth. Then clamped it shut. "What's wrong with you?" he asked as his eyes narrowed, "you look like shit and you're snippy!"
"Snippy?"
"Yes, don't question my adjectives."
Donna rolled her eyes, "what do you want, Louis?" she repeated again.
"Well I was going to offer you the chance to join me at the latest …"
"No!" Her tone of voice as abrupt. Oh, and 'snippy'.
"Donna!" exclaimed Louis. "You haven't heard what I was going to say."
"I know, but the answer is no." She looked up at him, her eyes vacant under her terracotta painted eyelids. "I'm just not in the mood."
"What's wrong Donna?" Louis was genuinely worried about his friend. Donna was his best friend and he cared about her just as much as she cared about him. "You haven't been yourself for days."
Donna bit down on her lip, feeling herself getting cross. 'Damn these hormones' she thought as she felt her blood pressure rise and her face flush. "I'm fine Louis," she answered unconvincingly.
"No, you're not? Is it Harvey?"
"Why would it be Harvey?"
"Because he's a selfish blowhard who doesn't deserve you." The words rolled effortlessly off Louis's tongue. He still resented Donna returning to work for him and he missed her.
Donna threw down her pen and got up from her seat, but the blood rushed to her head as she did and she had to lean on her desk to stop falling over.
Louis was on her straight away. "Donna are you alright?" His face creased with worry as he ran around her cubicle and came up close behind her.
"Get the hell away from me Louis!" She practically screamed, making Louis jump back in shock. She held onto the desk for a few moments before she composed herself and looked out into the open-plan office. A few associates and administrators were staring at her. Rachel had appeared, her arms wrapped around a stack of files, willing her to pull it together. She took a deep breath and fought the nausea to walk around her desk and march down the hall. Louis stared after her open mouthed wondering what the hell he'd done wrong.
X X X
Donna had less than a minute's privacy on her knees, in the toilet stall, before Rachel burst into the ladies' bathroom.
"Donna, what the hell …?" Her voice trailed off as she heard the sound of throwing up coming from the nearest stall. "Donna, are you …?"
She hadn't even closed the door. She was bent over the toilet bowl on her knees retching up her breakfast.
"Oh, Donna, I'm sorry … I …"
Donna coughed as she finished up.
"I haven't properly realised how hard this is for you." Rachel hunkered down so she was at Donna's level, gently pulling her friend's red hair back from her face as she hung over the toilet.
Donna slowly got up forcing Rachel to get up too. "I'm okay," she said huffily, not convincing either Rachel or herself. She walked to the sink and washed her hands before splashing water into her mouth to clean out the taste of vomit.
"Donna, I don't care if you scream at me. I really don't care, so scream at me as much as you want, but I have to say enough is enough now. You can't do this alone, it isn't right."
"Rachel, I asked you not to mention this."
"Well I have to!" yelled Rachel. She didn't want to upset Donna, but she couldn't watch this charade for a second more. "Someone's going to realise sooner or later. You look terrible, you can hardly keep your eyes open, you're snapping at everybody and … as of today … you're having morning sickness. For Christ's sake! You either tell him now or what? Tell him after everyone else has worked it out?"
"Rachel …" Her voice stammered as she turned around to look her best friend in the eye. "I'm not ready. God, Rachel we're hardly speaking as it is. I … can't …"
"You have to and if you wait any longer he's going to resent you."
"Why would he resent me?" Donna screwed her face in confusion.
Rachel came forward, closing the gap between them, and placed her hands on Donna's forearms. "You're keeping this from him deliberately. Don't you see? He should be a part of this too."
Donna's breathing sped up as her body balked at the situation she was in. She knew Rachel was right, but she didn't want to admit it to herself. She nodded but said 'I can't,' at the same time.
Rachel half-smiled in empathy. "I know this is hard."
"You don't know the half of it!" Donna nonchalantly tossed a bundle of screwed up paper towels she'd been drying her hands with in the trash. "My tits feel like somebody is sticking needles in them, I feel like I'm going to collapse I'm that nauseous and … worst of all … I can't stomach coffee and I don't even miss it."
"Shit, that's bad."
Donna didn't answer. She fluffed out her hair and straightened her electric blue dress in the mirror. "I don't know how … to say it," she said. She was utterly devastated.
Rachel's heart sank. Donna always knew how to say everything. She was never afraid. "Donna, you need to try."
X X X
Donna knew Rachel was right.
She returned to her desk, started her filing and waited for Harvey to return from his meeting.
He arrived back at 11.45am, bounding down the corridor, hesitant to look at her as he passed because her mood had been so bad for the last few days he didn't know what would be instore for him. He'd put it all down to 'women's stuff'. Well, he hoped that was what it was. He knew her and Rachel had been as thick as thieves recently.
She waited a moment then she entered his office. He looked up from his console, seeing her facial expression and he frowned. He'd have to address her mood and talk about their feelings. Joy of joys! His favourite things.
"Harvey, I need to talk to you about something." Donna had mustered up some outward assertiveness, but inside all of her internal organs were tying themselves up in knots.
Harvey's face was etched with a burden of his own that he'd been carrying. "I know what you're going to say."
She exhaled sharply, one hand on her hip. "You do?"
"Yeah," he said, reclining back on his desk chair. "You and Rachel. I know you've been dealing with a problem."
Donna's brain went into overdrive, her eyes almost disappearing under a heavy frown. 'What was he talking about? Has he guessed?'
"It's okay. Just tell Rachel it'll be fine and we'll work something out with her hours and with … uhm … school and I won't say anything until she's ready."
Donna froze for a moment trying to work it out. Then she realised. That day, two weeks ago, the pregnancy tests in Rachel's bag. "Harvey, it's not what you think."
"Isn't it?" he asked, not buying her story. "Has she told Mike yet?"
'Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.' What would Rachel want her to say? "Rachel isn't … uhm … pregnant, Harvey." That'd do for starters. She knew Rachel would want her to tell him that at least.
Harvey's face changed from worry to relief. "She's not?" He stood up from his desk and ran his hand through his hair. "False alarm?"
"You could say that."
"Then why?"
"Why what?"
"Why have you been in such a shitty mood for two weeks? Was it because I shouted at you? Because if it was I'm sorry, but … actually no, I'm not sorry. We all have to pull together and we need everyone to give 100% right now."
Donna felt her blood pressure rise again, her neck hot as she tried to calm herself down. "Since when have I ever not given you 100%, Harvey?"
He gulped. He didn't want to go down this road, but he needed to sort this out. "Donna, you know as well as I do that you haven't been yourself. And I don't know why you've chosen right now to do this, but …" He came from behind his desk to look her straight in the eye, lowering his voice to make the reproach gentler. "Is this about that night?"
Donna's eyes narrowed. Now was the time to tell him, but … "No, Harvey" came out of her mouth. She wanted to find a better way than this … the tail end of an argument … to tell him he was going to be a father.
He looked at her unconvinced. His eyes scrutinized her expression. "Then what?"
"I just haven't been feeling myself, that's all, but … can we talk about it later?" Her voice was sincere and she could tell by his face that he wasn't completely buying it. "Can you come to my place tonight maybe?"
"Tonight?"
"Oh, are you busy tonight?"
He didn't know why he told her, he just did. "Yeah, I'm hooking up with Scottie later."
The words hit her like a truck. A car crash. A train wreck. This was what her life had become, so she didn't know why the revelation had shocked her so much. Her face drained of colour and she couldn't disguise her grief. She didn't want him to notice. She did all she could to make her face smile but she couldn't manage. This was a betrayal and it hurt.
"Oh," was all she said as she backed out of the office.
"Donna, don't be like this."
She snarled as she rounded back at him. "Like what?"
"You know what!" He raised his voice to mirror hers. "We're just meeting for drinks, as friends, that's all. I said I'd give her a call during Mike's trial and that's what I've done."
"Fine, Harvey," said Donna, trying desperately to pull it together. "It's fine, it's none of my business."
"We can talk tomorrow. I'll cook for you at my place."
"No, it's fine Harvey. Forget about it."
She walked back to her desk, her eyes stinging with tears, but she refused to release them. 'That night' as he called it had truly meant nothing to him. It was that night he'd wanted sex. It was that night he'd gotten what he wanted. It was that night he'd used her.
But it was also that night she'd wanted sex. That night she'd gotten what she wanted. And, most importantly, that night she'd told him they would put it behind them and move on.
This was her own fault.