Chapter 10 - "How to train your icy queen"
By Cho'Gath.
Greetings, My name is Cho'Gath, the Terror of the void, and I'm happy that you are reading my new book, life has certainly changed since I entered this strange land called Runterra, I can still remember my younger days at the void, I was such a foolish youngster, feed and grow, that's all I thought, we came to this world in order to sate our hunger, but now everything is different, at least for me is, I am a well-know figure within the high class of Piltover, of course only a few know about my void nature, but for everyone else I am Cho'Gath, the mediator of Freljord.
Funny thing, I never planned to have such high ranking position, I was just minding my own business, traveling across the land, looking for new and fancy things to add to my collection, it was a snowy night when I found the three princesses of Freljord in what seemed to be a deathmatch, of course, I stopped them, such behavior wasn't suited for such beautiful maidens, with a few words we came to an agreement.
These princesses are such a bother, the three of them are really unladylike.
Ashe, a beautiful flower, but she wants to be in the mud, always looking for troubles to solve, she is the Queen for Nashor's sake, I can't believe she can behave like a childish brat, always pouting when nothing goes her way.
Sejuani, she acts like a boar, always forward, always dressed like some sort of brutish warrior, her cute face will get bruised for all the fights she gets into, stubborn like a pig, she eats like a pig, I mean, her pet is a pig, I cry every time.
Lissandra, she is by far the best among them, though, that doesn't mean she is better, she acts like an old hag, always talking about the past, always looking for revenge, if everything goes wrong she just freezes everything, in short, she runs away from her problems.
So, the job of this humble Voidling is to turn these amazons into proper ladies, it will be a hard task, but I belive with perseverance and hard work, all of them will be suitable for the kingdom, it's not like I can't do it, I've tamed these brutish females in the past, when Noxus decided to conquer Freljord it was I who stopped the incoming war, I really wanted to chomp down the Noxians, but it might be bad for my health, the last thing I want is to go CHOOOOO'Gath instead of Cho'Gath.
Speaking of Freljord, one of my friends went there, his name is Vel'Koz, the eye of the void, his main goal was Ionia, but there was this thing called "The Harrowing" so not everyone wanted to help him but thankfully one of my closest friends accepted my request, from there Ashe will write a letter allowing him to go through Ionia without problems, everything in order to reveal the secrets of the stork, maybe he will find answers in this journey.
Speaking of journeys i am in Freljord, Why you ask, simple, Ashe fucked up, she was having a reunion with the other girls to discuss the future of the tribes, something went wrong and now she is the joke among the leaders, so I was requested to be the mediator once again, I don't really hate my job but I would like for these ladies to solve their own problems.
And that's why I'm sitting on a couch, inside a villa in the middle of Freljord, hosting a tea-party in order to save the Avarosa pride...
- lord Cho'Gath - I hear Ashe call me - thank you for your aid, I really appreciate it, so tell me, what are you thinking?
- I give up.
- LORD CHO'GATH?!
- I wanna go home, Screw this, It's your fault for failing, this is useless.
- P...PLEASE, LORD CHO'GATH.
- I mean, how can this place be frigging cold? I worked so hard in order to never come back and look at this, I'm here again!
- I...I'm sorry, Lord Cho'Gath, but it wasn't my fault, it was that damn fox...AND MY STUPID CHEATING HUSBAND.
- You should divorce.
- h..hey...there is no need to rush things - Tryndamere said entering the room - let's talk about this, honey.
- SHUT UP! YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A LOSER! - Ashe groaned - I'm seriously killing you if you screw this, in fact, I'll marry Lord Cho'Gath, he is the best option for my king.
- Ho...honey...please...let's talk about this...
Now that was interesting, Cho'Gath, The king of Freljord, I would be part of royalty, my status would be highest, but, I still have my own work in Piltover, and I don't really want to marry Ashe, she will totally kill my voidling ass, I prefer being one of the most wanted unmarried gentleman in Piltover, but, I can be such a ladies man sometimes, just like Vel'Koz, I mean, getting the Enforcer is something to be praised, I guess he likes them big and rough...or at least that's what a book I read said, I still don't get this whole "love" thing.
- Master Cho'Gath - Malzahar called me - Lady Sejuani and Lady Lissandra are here.
- Thank you, Malzahar, please, stop Ashe if she tries to kill Tryndamere while I go and receive them.
- I don't wanna die.
- Just do it, you coward virgin.
It seems that new word works pretty well with Malzahar, I still ignore its meaning but whenever I use it he obeys everything I say, I gotta thank the Enforcer one we go back, maybe set her on a dinner with Vel'Koz, I'm sure she will be happy.
When I opened the door I was greeted by the smile of Lissandra, her beautiful white hair braided in a ponytail, armor made of true ice, she covered her eyes and her head because she was blind but it gave her a certain aura of "cold beauty", I loved her style.
- It's a pleasure to meet you again, Cho'Gath - She said with her cold but soft voice.
- the pleasure is all mine, I must say you look...
-HEYA! TERROR OF THE VOID! - Sejuani interrupted me.
Such a tomboy, I swear to Nashor, always dressed with her filthy armor, she was such a rude fellow, always saying whatever she wanted, completely oblivious to "the mood", burping for no good reason, she was a princess, I cry for the future of Freljord...at least Bristle wasn't with her today, god, I hate that pig
- Sejuani - I said a bit pissed - don't call me that.
- Sorry - she giggled - I'm just happy to see you again, also, you look really fancy today.
- Thank you, I'm wearing my best tuxedo, I'm happy you told me that.
- But I think the monocle it's a bit too much.
- shut up and get inside already - Sejuani tried to enter but I stopped her - No, ladies first, come in Lissandra.
- HEY!
- get a proper dress and we can talk.
Lissandra giggled and Sejuani pouted, geez, she can be so cute, but she always acts like a boar, I wish I could do something about her...now that I think about it...Sejuani is just like the Enforcer...but last time I met Vi she acted like a lady...and it was all thanks to Vel'Koz...maybe I should ask him for advice.
My train of thoughts was stopped when I heard a shout in the living-room, the girls looked at me and dashed towards the noise, we found Tryndamere on the floor, crying like a little girl in a fetal position and Ashe standing above him...with the limp body of Malzahar in her hands.
- YOU ARE DEAD.
- P...Please, honey... I... I can explain...
- THEN EXPLAIN THIS - Ashe threw a paper to him, it was the poster of Ahri...she was nude.
- well, hello there, Queen of Hearts - Sejuani said with a smirk - beheading your husband already?
- Hello Bristle, didn't see you there, where is Sejuani? Eating in the mud again? - Ashe retorted.
- Wanna have a go, Weakling.
- BRING IT ON! PIG!
- Now, now, don't fight - Lissandra intervened - Avarosa, please, no naughty words, I know Serylda it's a bit big, but don't be rude to her.
- MY NAME IS FRIGGING ASHE AND SHE IS SEJUANI! GO BACK TO YOUR NURSING HOME, OLD HAG! - Ashe roared while Sejuani made a really rude thing with her fingers
- alright, time to freeze some bitches.
I looked at the three "maidens" of Freljord utter the most offensive words I ever heard in my life and fight among themselves, I tried to ask Tryndamere for help, he was in a corner, sucking his thumb, Malzahar was in the middle of the fight being used as a weapon, I sighed, I stomped the ground and suddenly the fighters were sprung in the sky, as they were falling I roared, the fell looking at me with fright.
- alright - I said calming down-we are going to solve our problems here, I don't want any more fights, if there is some sort of aggression, I will chomp every single one of you, are we clear? - everyone nodded - good, now get up Malzahar, bring some tea and please, can somebody explain what happened last time?
- A wild naked fox attacked Tryndamere, he let it happen - Sejuani explained - since it was funny we teased Ashe with it but she got really mad.
- So it's Tryndamere fault?
- pretty much, Ashe should divorce him already, he is just a lecherous loser anyways.
- Serylda, don't talk like that about Avarosa's husband - Lissandra said - she must respect him.
- you know what? - Ashe snapped - I'm tired of your bullshit, "Lissandra", I've heard the Ice Witch lived a long time ago, surely you can't be her, so right here and right now you will tell us who you really are, imposter.
- But...I'm Lissandra, I can't be anyone else, please, believe me, Avarosa - Lissandra pleaded.
- then take out your helmet and let us see your real face.
Lissandra looked back and forth, clearly uncomfortable with the situation, after a few seconds she gave up, sighing she took off her helmet and I just left my jaw to drop open... she had two animal ears on top of her head, white fur like her hair and the snow.
- you see - Lissandra explained fidgeting - Avarosa and Serylda used to tease them a lot...and since it was pretty cold I decided to cover them, but as you can see I'm the real Lissandra!
The most idiotic person in the world said the most idiotic thing.
- THOSE EARS! SO CUTE! CAT EARS - Tryndamere yelled caressing them - CATURDAY FOR THE WIN!
That day Tryndamere had to use his ultimate ability in order to survive the wrath of his wife, Sejuani tackled Lissandra and started playing with her ears, I sighed, Freljord will be lost at this rate, but then I had an idea, the best idea to stop this madness and save Freljord from its idiotic leaders, I decided to...
- Lord Cho'Gath?
I decided to...
- Lord Cho'Gath!
I deci...
- Lord Cho'Gath!
...
- LORD CHO'GATH!
- THE HELL DO YOU WANT? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY WRITING MY NEXT BOOK?
- oh - Malzahar said sad - I... I just wanted to ask you something.
- SPEAK BEFORE I CHOMP OFF YOUR HEAD.
- What are you doing, Lord Cho'Gath?
I smashed Malzahar on the ground.
My reunion with the maidens had ended long time ago, I manage to stop the mayhem, make them sign a pact of no-violence between the tribes and recognize Ashe as the Queen of Freljord...Tryndamere was also recognized as the king but the divorce procedure will soon begin, right now I'm in a cart heading towards the train station, I just want to be on my couch, listen to classic music and drink some tea...and end this forsaken book...I shouldn't have accepted that request, writing my autobiography it's too damn annoying.
- I'm sorry, my Lord - Malzahar said getting up - I was just trying to cheer you up.
- I'm fine, I'm just a bit tired, don't worry.
- but, lord Cho'Gath, I think you sh...
Suddenly the cart exploded, I landed into the snow, grunting in pain, Malzahar was nowhere to be found, I looked around, trying to find the cause of the smoke, the fire, and the ashes.
- Greetings, Voidborn - I heard a mechanical voice say - It's a pleasure to meet such fascinating specimen like you.
- Thank you for the compliment, now if you please come out so we can shake hands, like proper gentlemen.
- You will kill me if I do that, besides, I need you for something.
- What foARGH... - I felt a sharp pain in my side - Shit! Bastard! - suddenly I felt sleepy - W..what do you want from me?
- It's simple - I heard him say as I was falling asleep - Join the glorious evolution.