THE BEST PART OF ME
CHAPTER 5 – His Nightmare
Donna stirred at the sound. Tapping, knocking, thudding … someone was at her door. And they were persistent!
'Shit, what the hell time is it?' She rolled over in bed, rubbed her eyes and tried to focus on the digital red numbers on her alarm clock – 22:28. She groaned into her pillow. It felt like the middle of the night, but she'd been asleep less than an hour. She had been turning in earlier and earlier every night this week. Yesterday, she'd headed straight for bed the second she had gotten home from work, skipping dinner completely. She couldn't believe how tired she was. Her 'Mommy Circle' website had assured her it was because the baby was zapping her energy so it could grow and it would last for several more weeks, which she hadn't found particularly delightful to discover.
She got out of bed as the knocking became louder, pulling on her robe on her way to the door. She didn't have to ask who it was. Her gut told her. Besides, who else would it be at this time?
"What are you doing here?" Her voice was weary as she opened the door to a smiling Harvey leaning casually on her door frame.
He squinted and frowned at her dishevelled appearance. "Can I come in?"
"What's wrong?" she said, noticing his expression.
"Nothing. Were you asleep? You look … uhm … tired."
Donna covered her mouth as she yawned. "Yeah, is it important?"
"Well, I can leave it if you want … but …"
"No, it's okay, come in." She closed the door behind him and patted her hair down, realising she was suffering from a case of 'bed-head' that would make Sideshow Bob look like a model in a shampoo advert.
Harvey smiled at her and laughed. "Bit early for bed, isn't it?"
Donna scowled at him. "I was tired," she replied truthfully. "So what's so important it couldn't wait until tomorrow?"
They both sat down on her grey sofa. Harvey fluffed up a shiny terracotta cushion and rested on it. He was reluctant to meet her gaze.
"Can I get you something?"
Harvey shook his head. "No, I'm good."
They both waited in awkward silence.
"So, how was your date?" asked Donna finally, breaking the ice.
Harvey sat upright and straightened his tie. She could tell he wanted to talk to her, but it was the same-old, same-old frustrating silence. The needing, but not knowing how to, talk about his feelings was killing him. "It wasn't a date. I just said I'd ring Scottie a while back and meet up with her. I'd been meaning to for ages, so I did. We needed to talk, clear a few things up, that's all."
"I see." His revelation that he was meeting up with Scottie had hit her hard earlier. She didn't need that extra complication to add to her already long list of complications.
"Are you upset that I met up with her?"
"Of course, not," she lied. "She's a big part of your life, why would I be upset?"
"Uhm … it's just … I thought …"
"You thought what?" She was annoyed that he was questioning her like this.
"Nothing."
"Nothing?" she repeated, arching her eyebrows at him. "Seriously, Harvey, if there's something you want to say to me, just say it. I really can't be bothered with this 'not saying how you feel' bullshit anymore."
Harvey twisted his mouth and exhaled sharply. His arms and legs were crossed defensively. "Okay, I thought I sensed when I told you I was seeing her that you weren't happy about it."
"Since when do you sense things?"
"Just answer the question, Donna!" Now, it was he who was getting annoyed.
She stared at him in disbelief, her mouth open as her brain ticked away mentally listing all of the reasons why he was a complete dick. Insensitive, arrogant, unfeeling, self-centred. "That's a bullshit question Harvey and you know it. Why have you come into my home, at this time of night to ask me about this?"
"Because we need to talk!" he yelled. "You've been like this for weeks and I don't know what I've done. Look, everyone's noticed. You bawled out Louis earlier today and even Jessica mentioned that you aren't on your game. And that means she's blaming me, so you have to talk to me! Is it about 'that night'? Tell me how I can fix this!"
Donna sucked on her bottom lip as her heart started to beat faster. 'I'm pregnant'. Two little words. That's all she needed to say. It wouldn't even take a second to spit it out, but she couldn't do it. Her stomach churned and she could feel her legs tremble, but she held on. "I just haven't been feeling myself, Harvey. That's all."
"What do you mean? Are you sick?" His dark brown eyes filled with concern as he contemplated the possibility of her being ill. Donna had never been ill.
"No, I … uhm … well maybe, I think I'm just burnt out." She looked into his eyes and all she saw was confusion. 'Is he buying this?'
He shifted uncomfortably on her sofa. "Is it because of Rachel?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know, I know, Donna."
Donna gulped. She hadn't told Rachel that Harvey had thought she was pregnant yet and she felt disloyal that she hadn't corrected him for jumping to the wrong conclusion. She was letting him believe that the possibility of Rachel being pregnant had been on the cards, which was unfair to her friend.
"Were you telling me the truth, earlier? Is Rachel definitely not pregnant?"
"Yes, Harvey," said Donna as strongly and emphatically as she could. "Rachel is absolutely, definitely, certainly not pregnant."
"Well thank goodness for that." His body relaxed at the news for the second time that day. "That would have been the last thing we needed right now."
Donna's whole body sank into the sofa, deflated and disappointed at Harvey's words. "Why?" She was shocked to the core by his statement. She was panicked at the prospect of what it would mean for her.
Harvey looked at her as if she was mad. "Because we're still not back on our feet yet, that's why. We're a family. All six of us – including Mike. We need to focus on sorting our shit out and Rachel being pregnant …" he shook his head in despair as if the idea would be the end of the world. "… well that could have set us back to square one. Or worse."
Donna swallowed hard, fighting to keep control of her emotions although the tears were already forming in her eyes. She mustn't cry. She mustn't! "But, we'd have all pulled together for her, wouldn't we?"
"Yeah, damn right we would," said Harvey assuredly. "Look, I'm not saying it would have been a disaster. I'm just saying it would be the worst possible time for that to happen."
Donna stared at him trying to flush his words out of her brain. Why did he have to say this? She willed him to stop talking, but he continued …
"Plus, how would Mike have coped with that? I've visited him a handful of times and he's doing great, but jeez, Donna, it's still fucking tough for him in there. It would have destroyed him to think of Rachel struggling with a baby when he was stuck in there, unable to help her, missing out on it all. His life is a mess right now. Has Rachel even told him?"
It was getting worse. The hole she had helped him dig was getting deeper. "I … I … don't know Harvey. I suppose there wasn't any point …"
"Good, well I hope she doesn't tell him. I mean, I know Mike and Rachel are the real deal, but it would have been a nasty reminder of what they could have had. Mike would have been married now. He'd have been overjoyed to be having kids. Hell, he's not like me! It would be my worst nightmare!"
Wham! Another punch to the gut. She wanted to scream 'what the fucking hell is wrong with you?' but she was frozen, winded, the air knocked out of her. He was an idiot. He didn't even know he was being an idiot.
"What's the matter?" he asked, observing her obvious distress. She was curled up next to him, but her face was chiselled with anguish, her brown eyes watery under the soft amber light of her living room.
"Nothing, I'm just … uhm … I'm really tired Harvey. Do you think we could talk about this tomorrow?"
Harvey knew this wasn't just about Rachel. "Donna … I'm sorry about 'that night'. It was my fault. I was only thinking about myself and what I wanted. I don't know, after seeing Mike go down and then the firm in the state it was in …" He looked into her eyes to try to find a connection, but she wasn't looking at him. She had pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapping her arms around them and willing him to just shut up and leave. "… I just wanted to feel good. I'm sorry. I … wasn't thinking about you or how it would make you feel afterwards. Look, I just want to say you're my best friend and I love you. You mean more to me than anybody, but I'm still pretty messed up. I still don't know what I want and I'm certainly not in any position to think about what I want right now. Work has to come first."
Donna rolled her eyes at the same-old, same-old story. "Harvey, I'm really not interested in doing this now." She snapped at him because she was sick and tired of hearing him make the same excuses about his messed up life. "This was never just about you. I lost Mike too. I lost the firm too. I know you think that all of this is far more important for you than it is for me, but the truth is I wanted to feel good that night too. Whatever you want is up to you to decide and I'm fed up with hearing about your screwed up life and the fact you're afraid to love people. It's always about you. So, if work has to come first, you put it first. I don't give a shit anymore …!"
"What the hell's the matter with you!" He was stunned at her outburst. "You think I'm telling you this for what? For sympathy?"
"No Harvey, I think you're telling me this because 'you' are all you ever think about." She put her legs down suddenly, wanting to stand up, but when she did a stabbing pain shot through her pelvis and she winced, doubling over, her face betraying both the strength of the pain and the shock of it.
Harvey was on her straight away, his face filled with concern. "Donna, are you okay?"
She sat frozen, scared to move again. She shifted slightly to the left and the pain came back, her womb feeling like it was being pulled out of her pelvis. "I … I … just cramp," she lied as she waited for the pain to subside. 'Mommy Circle' had mentioned pelvic pain and she now knew what it felt like.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Harvey, I'm fine. I've just been sitting like that with my knees up for too long. I'm not as young as I used to be, you know."
Harvey looked unconvinced, but as he watched her stand up and walk to her door he relaxed. "Are you kicking me out?" His mouth smirked impishly, but she didn't find anything about this moment funny.
"If you don't mind?" "I'm just really tired, Harvey. I think everything has caught up with me. I've had to be here for everybody else over the past few months, but I haven't been here for me." She didn't want to argue with him anymore. 'Ooh, that sounded plausible', she thought.
Harvey nodded no doubt realising that Donna was the person everybody depended on during adversity. He sure as hell knew he depended on her. Louis and Rachel depended on her. Even Jessica had sought out her advice several times since the collapse of the firm. 'Was this what happened when you took care of everybody else's needs and ignored your own?' "What about that guy?" He had wondered ever since 'that night' about the guy Donna said she was dating, but he was scared to find out if he was still around – after what he had done.
"Who?"
"You know that guy … Mitchell was it?"
Donna took this question as final proof he only cared about himself. "We broke up months ago." This was the second time – ever – that Mitchell's name had come up in conversation between them. The first time was when she'd told him he existed.
"Oh, I'm sorry." He was pleased and relieved. Donna seeing other men always made him feel strange. And jealous. But the fact they'd broken up before 'that night' meant he hadn't made Donna into his mother by cheating on Mitchell.
"It's fine. It was a long time ago."
Harvey stood up and walked to the door. "I know I'm an asshole, Donna and I know you deserve better." He opened the door and left her apartment.
As soon as he was gone, Donna returned to bed and cried herself to sleep.
X X X
She was late to work the next day.
Very late.
Nausea had hit her worse than ever and she'd thrown up twice before 8.00am. She decided to play the 'run down' card. That's all she could do.
Harvey was nowhere to be seen when she arrived at the office, which she was relieved about because she was soon hit by another wave of sickness. Had she done anything different this morning? What had she eaten? Was this just going to get worse and worse?
She made it to the bathroom just in time and vomited up the ginger cookie 'Mommy Circle' has assured her would help the nausea. Ridiculous! She hated the cutesy pink-ness of that site, but she needed it as it had become her source of information about what was happening to her body.
Donna struggled to her feet and waited for her head to stop swimming, then she unlocked the stall door and walked straight into Gretchen.
Harvey's one-time secretary, now caring in every sense of the word for Louis, was standing between her and the sinks, arms folded, her black eyes expressing her trademark 'I'm going to say something poignant,' look.
Donna shrunk into herself, offered an 'excuse me,' then went to the sink. She washed her hands and was desperate to splash water into her mouth, but she didn't want to advertise the fact she'd just vomited to Gretchen. She looked at the older woman's reflection in the mirror and her heart sank. She'd have to get it over with. "What's on your mind, Gretchen?"
"Depends." Gretchen unfolded her arms and placed them on her hips. "You're usually full of shit so don't know if you'd answer straight."
Donna swung around, her mouth open in shock (or was it awe) at Gretchen's abrasiveness. "What did you just say to me?"
"You heard me, Red." Gretchen peered at Donna over the top of her spectacles. "I ain't got time for your bullshit, so I'm just going to tell you like it is. I've birthed three babies and I've more nephews, nieces and godchildren than the damned Kennedys. You getting my drift?"
Donna got her drift, but she stood up straight and lied to her face. "No, I don't," she said forcefully.
"Whatever, you say Red, but by my reckoning you'd better tell whoever the daddy of that baby is that his life is due a makeover, because those smart dresses you wear ain't gonna fit you for too much longer. And when that happens, don't be looking at me to be loaning you no clothes."
Donna's face dropped. Gretchen had hit a nerve. Soon enough, time was going to remove her ability to lie to the world.
Gretchen's face changed too. She was a smart woman and she could be just as smart as Donna with her observations, but she realised she may have crossed the line. In fact, looking at the misery on Donna's face, she knew she'd crossed the line. "I'm sorry Honey." She watched Donna's face crumple into a mess of sobs and tears and she was overcome with sympathy.
Gretchen didn't know what to do. She wasn't a touchy-feely person in the office, but she had to comfort Donna so she rubbed her arm tenderly, shushing her gut-wrenching cries, waiting patiently as she let it all out.
"I'm sorry," said Donna a few minutes later. "Please don't say anything." She turned towards the mirrors and stuck her head under the sink, pouring water into her mouth and rinsing out the horrible taste of vomit that felt even more bitter after she had cried for so long.
"No, I'm sorry," said Gretchen. "I shouldn't have said anything to you. Lord knows, it's none of my business but I can't keep my darned mouth shut at the best of times."
"That's okay," sniffed Donna. "You were right to tell me. I need to sort this out, but I just can't … seem … to do anything right."
"How far along are you?"
"Seven weeks, nearly eight."
"Not that long then. You have longer in those dresses of yours than I thought."
Donna smiled. Yes time was still on their side.
"Who else knows?"
"Just Rachel."
"Suppose you're dreading telling him." She nodded her head towards the door, which meant the office, which meant Harvey's office. Which meant Harvey.
"You could say that." Donna sided up next to Gretchen, both their backs against the wall of a stall.
Gretchen laughed. "I wish I could be a fly on the wall when he hears that news!"
Donna wasn't amused, but then Donna knew her baby was Harvey's baby too. Gretchen didn't.
"So who's the daddy?" asked Gretchen huskily.
"It's complicated."
"He in the picture still?"
"Not really."
"Not really? He either is or he ain't. He's not married is he?"
"No, what do you take me for?" It was the second time she'd been asked that question and it made her feel cross.
"I take you for someone who should have known how babies were made."
"Thanks, Gretchen," snapped Donna. "That's really helpful."
Gretchen's mouth disappeared into a thin line of disapproval. "You know people are talking already. It ain't gonna take too long before folk around here start putting two and two together and when they do you can bet your life they'll come up with five."
"What do you mean?" Harvey had told her that her un-Donna-like behaviour of the last few weeks hadn't gone unnoticed, but surely nobody had guessed what the problem was.
"I mean you and Harvey."
Donna bristled, looking away from Gretchen with hurt etched on her face.
"It ain't my place to say anything and Lord knows I know that man needs a kick up his ass ten times a day, but everyone will think this baby is his."
"Well maybe it is his."
The words were out and she instantly regretted it. The look on Gretchen's face told her that this was the last thing she expected her to say, even though she had her finger on the pulse when it came to office gossip. She stared blankly at Gretchen, both women stunned into silence. How the hell had she managed to tell Gretchen this when she couldn't even tell Harvey?
"Oh my, then that is a pickle." Her black eyes appeared scornfully over the top of her glasses again.
Donna laughed sarcastically, shaking her head at Gretchen's words. "Really?" Her tone conveyed a wounded 'is that all you've got?'
"What was I saying about being a fly on the wall?"
Donna let out a short, quiet laugh. "Yeah, why do you think he doesn't know?" She re-entered the toilet stall and collected her bag, then returned to the mirror, fluffed her hair and reapplied her lipstick while Gretchen looked on helplessly.
"I'm sorry, Red," said Gretchen as Donna moved towards the doorway. "But you need to tell him and you need to tell him fast. Don't let him find out from gossip."
"You won't …"
"Of course I won't! This ain't my business, but if I guessed then others will."
Donna nodded. She knew Gretchen was right, of course she did. That's why she'd been trying to find a way to tell him for a fortnight. "Yesterday he told me, just in conversation, that having a baby would be his worst nightmare. Where do I go from there?"
"Look people say things they don't mean all the time. You can't let that worry you."
Donna wasn't convinced. "You think?" she said indignantly. "I can't think of a reason why anybody would say that if it wasn't true."
"Well, Honey, there's only one way to find out. This ain't like you. When I first came to this firm, the word on the street was that Donna Paulsen was fearless. That's your reputation and you need to remember that. You used to walk the halls of this office like you owned the place and now look at you? Chicken shit don't suit you."
Donna smiled warmly. Gretchen had a wonderful way of putting things. "Chicken shit?" she repeated with a smile.
"Yeah. Chicken shit," repeated Gretchen. "Time for Red Hen to get her ass into gear and get back to owning this coop!"
Donna laughed. "I know you're right Gretchen, thank you."
Gretchen smiled back. "Now, I've stood here too darned long. I need to go pee. That's what I came in here for after all." She walked to a cubicle and opened the door. "Good luck, Red," she called as Donna left the bathroom.