THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 8 – Stepping Up

Rice!

Finally, Donna had found something she could keep down. Stodgy, sticky jasmine rice. She brought a microwaveable pouch to work for her lunch and she was finding lots of wonderful ways to dress up a plain bowl to have for dinner.

Rice and water wasn't the most interesting of diets, but at least she wasn't dehydrated or starving anymore.

Noodles worked too. As long as they were plain. And for breakfast, dried toast. Her cupboards at home and her drawers at work were stocked full of vitamins she hoped would give her and her baby all of the vital goodness she was missing out on by only eating carbs.

She'd been released from the hospital after a couple of days, then she'd spent a week visiting her parents who, although not 'together' anymore, were still on friendly terms. They had been pleased about the baby, but not pleased she was becoming a single mom. Donna passed off the baby's father as 'just some guy' she'd been dating and told them both they weren't together anymore. Her mom had cried. It wasn't through disappointment, it was through worry. She didn't want her baby girl to be struggling through life. Her dad had been different. He knew there was something she wasn't telling them. Donna knew he was suspicious about the 'father' issue. She could tell by the way he looked at her and she could tell by the thinly disguised questions he'd asked her about Harvey. He was definitely wondering, so she did her best to throw him off the scent.

A week had passed since she'd returned to work and she was now eleven weeks pregnant. The pregnancy symptoms were still as strong as ever, but she was getting used to them. She knew that it was her body's response to the healthy baby that was growing inside her.

The fact that she was having a baby. An actual real-life, living, breathing baby, was still something she couldn't get used to. Nothing about this seemed real yet. Although her body had already changed, there was still no sign of a 'bump', and she hoped she'd feel differently once she could see there was definitely something inside her belly. All she had to show for her condition so far was sickness and tiredness. She'd actually lost weight, through the nausea, instead of putting it on.

The fact that she didn't feel an attachment worried her too. She didn't feel like she was going to be a mom. She didn't know what being pregnant should feel like, or if what she was feeling – detachment – was normal at this stage, but she wasn't experiencing the elation that surely should come with having a baby.

Harvey hadn't helped. She had returned from visiting her parents a week ago and hoped he'd sorted his head out, but he hadn't – not even close. He was working over 15 hours every day. Some nights he slept in his office. They had had no time to talk, except for him checking she was feeling well and insisting she went home at 5.00pm every day. She didn't know if he was happy or unhappy. Things were just as they'd always been and he had offered one-word answers and fake smiles every time she'd brought her pregnancy up with him.

At lunchtime she went to the kitchen and heated up yet another pouch of organic jasmine rice. God she was tired of eating it, but she couldn't stop. It was the only thing she could hold down which also settled her stomach. One pouch = four hours break from her all-day nausea. It wasn't as much lunch as it was medicine.

"Afternoon, Donna," said Louis as he strolled animatedly into the kitchen. "You're glowing this morning."

"Am I, Louis?" She didn't feel 'glowing' and she knew she'd looked better – in fact she'd looked better practically every day of her life previously.

"Absolutely you're glowing." He ignored he suspicious glare and smiled warmly at her, then he grabbed a raspberry bran bar out of the cupboard from a box marked 'Property of Louis Litt. Hands Off!'

"Thank you, Louis," she said as she took a seat at the table. She knew the compliment was Louis's attempt at making her feel better.

"Can I join you?" he asked. Pouring himself a glass of dark red mixed fresh fruit juice.

She nodded and pointed to the adjacent seat as she flipped over the contents of her bowl, trying to cool the piping hot grains of rice.

Louis screwed his face up. "You still eating that? Carbs aren't great Donna. You're practically living on carbs. My aunt Glenda lives on carbs and she has an ass the size of Wisconsin."

Donna practically choked on her rice. "Thanks for that, Louis, but, it's the only thing I can keep down."

"Oh, I'm sorry for that, Donna."

She motioned away his apology with a flip of her hand as she ate another mouthful of rice. He was watching her intently as she ate. She knew there was something on his mind. "Spit it out, Louis," He opened his mouth, then clamped it shut again. Then opened it again. Then shut it again. She rolled her eyes and groaned. "Either speak to me or go, Louis. You're putting me off my lunch and you're weird-ing me out!" He opened his mouth and kept it open. She stared at him, slightly amused, her eyes huge as she wondered if he was ever going to breathe. "LOUIS! SPEAK!"

"Okay, okay!" He looked around the kitchen to check they were alone. "I was wondering if you would like me to step up."

"Step up?" She was totally bewildered. "Step up to what?"

"Look, Donna, do you remember when you were in the hospital and you told me …" He looked around the room again then lowered his voice to a whisper. "… About the baby?"

"Yes," she said. Pausing with dread as she held a spoonful of rice in mid-air, half way to her mouth.

"Well, I can help. I want to help you. You know, there's hospital appointments, getting things for the nursery, then there's all kinds of equipment, oh and those classes where they teach you how to breathe. I could come with you to them. I'll even be there at the birth if you want, I've bought books."

"You've bought … books?" She was astonished, yet slightly petrified, by Louis's enthusiasm.

"Yes, six of them. I've been learning everything I need to know. You're eleven weeks pregnant which means your baby is the size of a lime, did you know that? And it already has little tiny tooth buds in its mouth … oh and some of its bones are hard already. It's amazing isn't it? A little tiny human with hands that can open and close …" Suddenly, his face dropped. "Donna, what's wrong?"

She had put down her spoon and she was staring at him. She blinked and tears streamed down her face. She covered her mouth and tried to compose herself, but it was too late.

"Oh shit, Donna … what have I said?"

She gestured with her hands as well as her eyes that he hadn't done anything wrong, but she couldn't stop crying. 'Damn these emotions!' She was sick of crumpling into a heap. This wasn't 'Donna'. Donna didn't do this.

"Donna, I'm sorry," pleaded Louis as he watched her cry. "I'm really sorry." He didn't know what to do to make it better. He wanted to give her a hug but he didn't dare.

"It's not you, it's me," she said finally, choking back her tears. "You're such a good friend, Louis."

Now it was Louis's turn to tear up. He swallowed hard and waited for her to speak. He didn't have a clue how he'd upset her.

"It's just all of these lovely things you've done and thought about. I haven't even thought about those things myself. I didn't know how big the baby was or if it even had hands yet. You've reminded me that I'm alone and I don't want to be alone. The baby's father hasn't …" She hesitated before she continued. She still wanted Louis to believe Mitchell was the baby's father, and definitely, certainly didn't want him to know the truth. "… well he hasn't had much to say about it."

"You've told him about the baby?" he asked in surprise. He knew Donna and Mitchell weren't an item anymore.

"Yes, I told him." She continued to talk about Harvey while pretending she was referring to Mitchell. "That bit was easy, but … now he can't come to terms with it. So that means I'm alone. I can't get excited and I can't book classes or any of the things pregnant women do because I don't want to do those things on my own. I don't feel like this is happening to me and … I feel numb … and I don't think I'm going to be very good at this. In fact I think I'll be bad. I'm going to be a terrible mother. I didn't even know my baby was the size of a lime!"

Louis's heart broke. He hated to see Donna upset and now he hated this useless Mitchell. If that jerk couldn't look after Donna in the way she deserved, then he was going to make sure he did. "Donna, you are the smartest, most beautiful, most compassionate woman I have ever met in my entire life. I don't know anybody with a heart as big as yours. You're going to be an awesome mom. I don't doubt that, not for one second. It's hard now and I'm sure it feels strange, but you just wait and see. When you hold your tiny baby in your arms you're going to love him or her so much and you'll forget all about this other stuff. None of it matters."

Donna smiled at Louis as she cried. She appreciated him so much. "Thank you Louis, you don't know how much that means to me. How much you mean to me."

Louis smiled and nodded warmly. Donna was his best friend and he cared about her so much. He finished his last mouthful of bran bar and his last gulp of juice. "I'll let you finish your carbs in peace," he said as he stood to leave.

"Thanks … and Louis, I'll keep you posted on the … uhm … stepping up," she called after him as he left the kitchen.

He turned around and grinned "I'll do anything for you, Donna, you only need to ask."

"Yes, I know, Louis. No birth though!"

"Why not?"

"Louis?" she exclaimed arching her perfectly defined eyebrows. She couldn't believe he was being serious. "I just think it might be a little bit inappropriate …"

"Okay, well it's up to you. You know where I am if you change your mind!"

She watched him leave and thought about their exchange with a mixture of emotions. She was so happy she had Louis for a friend, but she was devastated she wasn't anywhere near having the conversation she'd just had with him with Harvey.

X X X

Harvey was out of the office at meetings for the rest of the afternoon. She needed to talk to him. She'd been ordered to leave the office at 5.00pm, as was usual since her spell in the hospital, but it was now 6.30pm and she wasn't going to go home until she'd spoken to him.

The minutes ticked away as she waited at her cubicle, finishing off a stack of filing that she'd scheduled to do tomorrow.

"Donna, why are you still here?"

She swung around in her chair and looked into the very worried, dark brown eyes of Rachel Zane. "I'm just waiting for Harvey."

"Oh," said Rachel as she came around Donna's cubicle and leaned on her desk. "Is he still …?"

"Avoiding?" asked Donna. Rachel nodded. "Yep. And I'm getting tired of it. He's had almost three weeks to sort himself out and he's barely acknowledged it … or me. I don't know what I want from him, but I know I can't go on like this."

"I'm sorry Donna." Rachel wasn't surprised. This was classic Harvey behaviour. "I imagine Harvey will need more time than most to get used to something like this."

"Yeah, well maybe he does, but I need to talk to him. I need to know what he's feeling."

"Hah! Good luck with that." Rachel laughed but instantly wished she hadn't when she noticed the look on Donna's face.

"What do you mean, 'good luck with that'?"

Rachel's heart sank. This was already a sore point with Donna and she didn't want to make things worse by being flippant. "I just mean he finds feelings impossible to talk about, doesn't he?"

"So what do you suggest I do?"

"I don't know, Donna, but maybe you'll have to think about what you're going to do if Harvey just can't be the person you want him to be."

"Why are you saying this? Is this about Mike?"

Rachel was gobsmacked. And she was wounded. Donna's words stung at her eyes and she instinctively clutched her hand to her chest. "What? No!"

"Is this because Harvey's still here, he isn't in prison and he's going to have the family you and Mike wanted?" Donna was hurt and angry. Rachel had fired an arrow and it had hit at the centre of her fear and insecurity.

Rachel stood up and walked away but then she stopped and turned around. "You know Donna, I've been trying really hard. REALLY hard to get on with my life. I lost my entire world when Mike went to prison and that happened because he chose to save Harvey. And you, and everybody else. You've barely asked me how I am in weeks. Then you … you screwed Harvey and you got yourself into this mess and I've been with you every single step of the way despite the fact that … that I'm hurting. And I'm hurting more than you know because you've never asked. So …" She fought back her tears as she spoke, her body trembling with rage. "… So maybe you should remember that there are other people around here with problems too and just deal with your own goddamn mess. Oh, and don't you ever … ever speak to me like that again."

There was nothing Donna could say. She'd been a shitty friend and she knew it. "… Rach, I'm sorry … I …"

"Save it, Donna!" spat Rachel as she walked away. "After everything I've done for you."

X X X

It was after 7.00pm when Harvey finally arrived back in the office. He stalked the corridor and froze when he saw her, his face flushing red. "Donna, what the hell …?" he said as he came up to her desk. "I told you to leave two hours ago. You need to look after yourself a hell of a lot better than this."

"I wanted to talk to you." Her voice was steady but her insides were churning. Her fight with Rachel had done nothing to help her frayed nerves.

He walked away from her, entering his office. "Talk then," he called behind him.

She stood up and followed him, practically slamming the door off its hinges as she entered his office.

Harvey jolted and spun around. His eyes grew wide as he noticed she was upset. He exhaled and shook his head. "What have I done now?"

"It's not what you've done, Harvey, as always it's what you haven't done!"

"Okay, what haven't I done now?"

She stood before him with tears rolling down her cheeks and still he didn't do or say anything to comfort her. She crossed her arms around her body. Her sky blue dress fading into the whiteness of her skin. "I need you to tell me how you're feeling."

"Donna … I …"

"No! Don't trail off. Don't avoid it! Just tell me. I need to know … I … need to know if I'm going to be on my own."

He closed the gap between them and held her by her forearms, turning her around to look at him. She could see a glimmer of something in his dark eyes … was it worry? Was it guilt? She could deal with any of those things so long as it wasn't apathy. She couldn't bear his indifference. Or his pity.

"I just need you to talk to me Harvey."

"I know," he said as his own eyes watered. "I know, I just can't seem to deal with this."

"Why not? Have you spoken to Dr. Agard?"

He let go of her arms and bristled. "No, I haven't. Donna, just because I had therapy once, doesn't mean I'm a rambling nutjob who needs to run to a psychiatrist every time something major happens in my life."

"I know it doesn't, Harvey, but she could help you."

"I don't need help, I just need time!" His voice was angry now and he walked around his desk and sat down, shuffling some papers and generally trying to 'look busy'.

Donna walked towards him, not giving up. "Harvey, you know … well, I was talking to Louis today. He still doesn't know the baby is yours and he thinks I'm doing this on my own. Maybe I am doing this on my own, but you know what he said to me? He said he'd step up and help me. He said he'd do anything for me. He's read pregnancy books and he's talking about going to birth classes with me … I just need you to … do the same."

"Donna, I've told you before. If you want someone to hold your hand and give you a hug, go to Louis. If you want someone to fix things, then that is what I do. So by all means get yourself signed up to baby classes and take Louis with you."

She turned away, her eyes red and her whole body trembling with rage. She felt like walking away but something inside of her made her continue. She wasn't letting this go. "Why are you being like this, Harvey? And how the hell do you plan to fix this, if fixing is what you do so well?"

"I'll goddamn tell you how!" He stood up and picked up a document from his desk, shoving it in front of her. "Here! This is an apartment on the fifth floor of my building. I was going to buy it for you because it has two bedrooms and your apartment only has one. Oh, and here …" he picked up a whole pile of documents. "This is a deposit account for the baby with a million dollars in trust, and here's another one for you with a credit card to use for anything you need. Here are the details of the best obstetrician in New York City – he's yours if you want him. Finally, here …" he pulled out a slim book with a photograph of a laughing baby on the front cover. "A goddamn pregnancy book. I've only read the first three chapters. I don't know if I'll finish it, but I'm trying."

Donna was stunned that he'd done all of this. This was him thinking he was doing his best, but falling way short of the mark in understanding what it actually was she needed from him. "I don't need your money, Harvey. The only thing I need is you and so does the baby."

She left his office and went home, leaving him staring after her, wondering how on earth he was going to put this right.

X X X

Donna had been home for less than an hour when she heard a knock at her door.

She groaned and pushed away her bowl of ribbon noodles. She was feeling sick tonight, the arguments with both Rachel and Harvey hadn't helped the horrible swimming feeling in her stomach, in fact the tension had made her feel much worse.

She opened the door to Harvey. She expected it would be him, and she moved inside the room to let him come in.

Harvey took off his coat and went straight to her kitchen cupboards to get a drink.

"Help yourself," she said.

He didn't respond as he poured a glass of scotch into a tumbler. "Do you want anything?"

"I can't drink alcohol, Harvey."

"Sorry, I'm stupid." She didn't disagree.

He walked back into the sitting room and sat down on her silver-grey sofa, taking a swig of the scotch.

She sat down next to him and pulled her legs under her. She hadn't changed from work yet and he noticed how short her sky blue dress was when she sat down, displaying a noticeable portion of her alabaster thighs.

"Donna, I'm just going to have to come straight out and say this and it's probably going to be all wrong, but I have no choice."

Her heart beat faster in her chest as he spoke, betraying how scared she was that he was going to tell her he wasn't going to be able to give her what she wanted. She nodded once and waited for him to continue.

"Okay, I don't know what to do. I honestly don't. I haven't felt like this since Mike's trial. Well, actually this is worse than Mike's trial because back then I could at least do something, but with this … I … I don't know if I can do it."

"What do you mean, Harvey?"

"I mean I think I'd be a terrible father, Donna." His face was creased with sadness. "I … I don't think I can be that person."

"You already are that person," she said gently, although her heart was breaking. "You already are a father."

"Donna, I know that and I'm terrified." He swigged another mouthful of scotch. "When you told me in the hospital I was shocked, but I thought 'okay, I've done this so I have to make it right'. That's why I looked for the apartment for you and made sure you were okay financially. I don't know how else to help you. I want you to be happy, but I'm a mess and you're never going to be happy … with me."

She sighed and shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, trying to pull her short skirt down over her knees but failing. She wasn't feeling her best. Her noodles were threatening to emerge from her stomach and her forearms and neck ached with stress. She took in his words which weren't all that surprising to hear. This was same-old, same-old Harvey. "You don't know what kind of father you'd be Harvey. I just wish …" Her stomach groaned as she talked and she instinctively put her hand to her mouth trying to calm the nausea.

"What? You wish what?"

Donna inhaled deeply and pulled her hair to one side. "… I just wish you would have faith in yourself." Those words, spoken to him, were becoming a mantra.

And so was vomiting.

She jolted to her feet and ran to the bathroom. "Back in a min…" she called.

She made it just in time, falling to her knees and throwing up her entire dinner into the toilet. The second she was done she sobbed. She felt dreadful. Her head was spinning, her body was aching and she felt rung out through fighting. Her earlier argument with Rachel was playing on her mind. And Harvey? Well Harvey was killing her.

She stood up to wash her hands and she felt uncomfortable. There was a wetness on her legs and a strange dampness at the top of her thighs. She worried in case she'd vomited on herself but then she saw it and she grabbed onto the sink as the shock slammed into her.

Her thighs were streaked red with blood and she fell to her knees in panic, her heart racing as she realised what this meant. She was eleven weeks pregnant. She wasn't in the 'safe zone'.

She had to know.

She pushed her hand inside her panties and felt it. Her heart almost stopped as she gasped for air, her world spiralling out of control once more and her body convulsing with fear.

She didn't dare look at her hand at first, but she could feel it was wet.

She screamed his name and he was there in seconds.

He took hold of her shaking body and he saw the blood on her hands as she cried uncontrollably.

This couldn't be happening. Not now. Not after she'd been sick for so long. Not when they were finally getting somewhere. 'Please don't let this be taken away from me,' she thought.

She couldn't lose everything.