THE BEST PART OF ME
CHAPTER NINE – Fear of Loss
Donna had never been so afraid in her entire life.
All this time she had been worrying that she wasn't feeling the way she 'should' be feeling. She felt sick as opposed to pregnant and the baby seemed like something abstract and intangible. An invader of her body, as opposed to something she held lovingly in her heart. She knew it was there, but it had never felt 'real'. She was pregnant, but she didn't feel like a mother. She didn't feel like she was going to have a child.
Even now as she sat in the back of Harvey's Lexus, sweatpants covering the streaks of blood on her legs, it didn't feel real.
But if it didn't feel real, then why couldn't she stop her legs from shaking? Why was her stomach burning with fear? Why was her heart beating fast and heavy inside her ribcage? Why was she gripping Harvey's arm as tight as she could, terrified of letting go, because letting go of him meant losing him and losing him meant losing everything?
They got to the hospital in no time. Ray raced through the city streets at Harvey's frantic request, cutting up other cars and suffering the agitated beeps of taxis as he zipped in front of them, charging through the brightly lit streets of Manhattan.
Harvey felt helpless and he felt petrified. He hadn't come to terms with becoming a father yet and he felt guilty that this was happening before he'd even had a chance to … to what? To be happy? He knew it had already happened. He knew his baby was gone and he felt totally responsible. How the hell would he be able to help Donna heal from this? How would he be able to look her in the eye knowing he had made this happen? This was all his fault. She had been sick for so long and all he'd done was heap more and more stress upon her. He'd caused this. Her poor body hadn't been able to cope under the onslaught of his failure to be there for her.
He helped her into the hospital, put her on a seat and marched straight up to the ER reception. It was a Friday night and it was busy, the waiting area full of people nursing a variety of injuries and ailments. The receptionist looked up at him, poised to take down details of his complaint. "It's my friend," he said. "She's eleven weeks pregnant and bleeding. She needs to see someone."
"Okay, can you take a seat, please? We have some forms to fill out and we'll need her insurance details."
"No, there's no time for that!" Harvey raised his voice and thudded the reception desk with his palms. His fear was getting the better of him and if someone didn't act immediately he was going to blow. "Look, none of these things matter. I'll pay you. Whatever it costs to get someone here, right now, just goddamn make it happen!"
The receptionist looked over at Donna sympathetically, then turned back to Harvey. "We'll be as quick as we can, sir. Please take a seat and somebody will be with you shortly."
Harvey nodded and he returned to sit next to Donna. She wasn't saying anything. She was staring blankly around the room, frozen and petrified. 'Maybe this was for the best', she thought. She'd already convinced herself that they'd both make terrible parents.
They had sat in silence for five minutes when a nurse came up to them and ushered them into an examination room. She had brought all of the forms Donna needed to fill out and taken the details of her obstetrician. Donna had only seen Dr. Walker once. She was due to see her again in a few days for her first scan. She realised that wouldn't be happening now. She hadn't even heard her baby's heartbeat. The baby had gone and she knew nothing about it. She didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. Whether it would have brown hair or red hair. She didn't know what kind of person it would grow up to be. All she knew was that it had lived to be the size of a lime and its hands could open and close. That's all. And she only knew that because Louis had told her. This was all her fault. This was her fault for not being thankful. She hadn't appreciated how lucky she was to be having a baby. Not once. It served her right that her baby had … had died.
"What's going to happen now?" said Harvey to the nurse after she collected all of Donna's details.
"A doctor will be with your shortly to check you over." The nurse spoke gently and her eyes were full of compassion and sympathy. Donna knew she knew. Harvey knew she knew. Their baby was gone.
The nurse left the room leaving Donna a hospital gown to put on.
"Do you want me to go while you change?"
Donna shook her head. She couldn't move. Her body was exhausted, drained, sick and shaking with fear. "Could you help me?" she pleaded weakly.
Harvey nodded and helped her out of her top, pulling the gown over her front and tying the tags at the back for her. Then she stood up and pulled down the rest of her clothes. The blood was still there. She'd put on clean panties before leaving for the hospital and she saw fresh streaks on her underwear, but the blood was brown now, not bright red. She didn't know what that meant, but she didn't dare hope for good news.
There was a knock on the door before it opened and a doctor entered. She introduced herself as Dr. Vasquez and she was a little older than Donna and Harvey, with curly brown hair pinned up high on top of her head. The doctor pushed her glasses onto the top of her head and read through Donna's notes. When she'd finished reading she put her glasses back on her nose and pulled up another chair.
"Okay, Miss Paulsen and … Mr Paulsen, is it?"
"Harvey Specter. I'm the baby's father."
Dr. Vasquez nodded her head. She had the same look on her face as the nurse. Sympathy. Donna hated sympathy. She enjoyed being the centre of attention, but not when the attention was bad attention. "So, you've had a bleed?" Dr. Vasquez asked Donna.
Donna nodded. She was still trembling. She couldn't stop her legs shaking and the vibrations were making her teeth chatter. "There was red blood to begin with, but now it's brown."
"Okay and do you have any pain?"
"What kind of pain?"
"Any cramping maybe? Similar to period cramps?"
Donna shook her head.
"Any back pain?"
"No, I don't have any pain at all."
"Well, that could be a good sign, Miss Paulsen," said Dr. Vasquez.
"But you don't think it's a good sign, do you?"
"Why do you say that?" said Dr. Vasquez, peering inquisitively over the blue rim of her glasses.
"I can tell. You're smiling and you're saying all the right things, but your eyes are saying something else. Your eyes are telling me this rarely ends well."
Harvey sighed. Donna was doing her 'Donna shit'. And she was never wrong.
"Okay, I'll level with you," said Dr. Vasquez. "Bleeding at any time during pregnancy needs to be checked out and it's often a cause of concern, but it's also very common. The fact you haven't got any pain is a good sign, but that doesn't necessarily mean everything is alright because the cramping could start later. Your age is also a concern, but that doesn't mean that women in their forties don't have healthy babies every day, because they do."
Donna took in the information slowly. She had resigned herself to having lost her baby, but now she was daring to hope. She looked at Harvey and he still look frightened. She hadn't seen him like this since his dad's death. His eyes were glossy and his face was flushed, veins in his neck pulsing with tension. He'd taken off his overcoat and jacket and had rolled his sleeves up. Even the veins in his arms looked angry.
"Have you had an ultrasound yet?"
"No, I had one booked in for Tuesday."
"Okay, well we'll bring that forward to today and we'll get you checked over thoroughly. We have a screen in here, but I'll need to bring the machine through and set up. Can you lie on the bed and get comfortable for me? I'll be back in a moment."
The doctor left the room and Donna turned to Harvey. "What are you thinking?"
"I don't know, Donna I'm pretty scared." He threaded his fingers together, resting his elbows on his knees. "I'm sorry … I'm not saying the right things again am I?"
She walked over to the bed and climbed on. "I don't think there's a right thing to say."
He followed her and perched on the side of the bed, taking hold of her hand. He looked into her grief-stricken eyes and his composure drifted away, tears falling down his face leaving a river of dampness.
"I'm sorry," she said as she watched him struggling with his emotions. There were times she wanted to scream at him to just 'feel' something. But there were other times, like now, when he succumbed and it broke her heart. Harvey breaking down was worse than anybody else in her world breaking down.
His eyes flicked open and he squeezed her hand tighter. "Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for. It's me who should be saying sorry. Donna, I know I've been a dick. I've been a fucking self-centred, useless dick. I wish I could go back. You deserve so much better than this. You'd have been better off if Mitchell had been the baby's father … I mean … I couldn't even …" his voice trailed off as he became consumed with guilt. "… I couldn't even be there for you."
"I should have given you more time."
"I shouldn't need time. I should … I should just be a fucking grown-up and … shit …" He wiped another tear from his face and swallowed hard. "I wish I'd done this differently. I've left you to deal with it by yourself and that makes me a complete fucking ball-less bastard. I promise you … I promise that if by some miracle I get a second chance here, then I'm going to step up. I'll see Dr. Agard like you said. I'll sort it out, not by trying to fix it or by throwing money at it, but by being there for you."
Dr. Vasquez entered the room before Donna could respond to him, pushing an ultrasound scanner through the door on a trolley. Donna's heart sank as she realised this was it. This was when they'd find out if their baby was still alive. The doctor pushed the machine to the opposite side of the bed to where Harvey was sitting and started pushing buttons and plugging in wires.
After a couple of minutes she was ready. She placed a sheet over Donna's lower body and asked her to push up her gown. She held up a white tube. "This is gel for the ultrasound. It's going to feel cold and I'm going to have to push the scanner down hard into your pelvis to get a reading because the baby is still very small."
Donna prepared herself as the doctor squirted the icy gel onto her abdomen. She lay back on the bed, her heart was racing so fast that she thought it might explode as the scanner met with her skin and Dr. Vasquez ran the instrument over her lower abdomen, poking just above her pubic bone.
Harvey watched the doctor's face intently as she pushed and prodded the scanner into Donna's belly, from one side to the other, up and down. Donna winced involuntarily as the doctor pressed deeply into her and he squeezed her hand as tight and as reassuringly as he could. His eyes never left the doctor's face. He was waiting for her expression to change.
And then it did.
A vague upturn at the corner of the left side of her mouth. Just under a small mole which was now raised upward under the woman's eye which was fixed upon the monitor in front of her. His heart missed a beat. Had he seen her smile? He dared to hope …
Donna hadn't seen. She was concentrating on the lights in the ceiling. Counting the number of square tiles between each square grid of light.
"There's your baby." The doctor turned the screen around to face them.
Donna's eyes fluttered open as she stared at the image in front of her. A black screen with a white blob in the middle. The blob was jumping around the screen. No it was somersaulting around the screen and she laughed and cried out loud in response as she watched until she couldn't see any more due to her tears.
"Wow, Donna, look at our baby," said Harvey. He was grinning from ear to ear as he stared in awe at the image on the screen.
Dr. Vasquez passed Donna some tissues before continuing with the scan. "I'm just going to take a few measurements." She pressed a button and a cross appeared on the screen at the top of the baby's head. The doctor giggled as she dug the scanner further into Donna's abdomen. "I'm sorry for pushing, your baby is very active at the moment. He … or she … is refusing to sit still for me to take my readings."
Donna dabbed her eyes with the tissue and tried to focus on the screen. She watched another cross appear lower down and she saw feet and hands jiggling about just like Louis had said. Perfectly formed. Perfect in every way. She looked over at Harvey who was transfixed, his eyes glued to the monitor as his baby cartwheeled inside Donna's belly. His smile was so wide he looked like the Cheshire cat.
"Your baby is four centimetres long so that puts it at more or less exactly eleven weeks gestation," reported Dr. Vasquez. Donna breathed a small sigh of relief. Date confirmed. Harvey present. No more doubts over that. "Your due date should be 16th March, is that right?"
"Dr. Walker worked it out as the 17th March."
"That's pretty good. Sometimes our dates are way off. We always go by the ultrasound date so we'll enter the 16th on your file." The doctor ran the scanner around again, squeezing another small blob of gel onto Donna's belly. "This is your baby's face. Eye sockets. Nose. Mouth … ah, look, he's opening his mouth, can you see?"
"No," said Donna, squinting at the screen.
"Yeah, I can see it," said Harvey. "There, look, that white line is its jaw, right?"
"Yes, that's right," said the doctor.
"Harvey, how the hell can you make that out?" said Donna in disbelief. He looked at her and pursed his lips comically.
"This is your baby's spine." The doctor clicked a few more crosses onto the screen, then she followed that with a few more taps of buttons on the console. "Hands with five fingers and … feet with five toes, can you see?"
"No," said Donna.
Harvey rolled his eyes at her. "Seriously? Maybe you need glasses."
"I don't need glasses, Harvey!" Donna's eyes narrowed to slits as she concentrated with everything she had on the image in front of her. She could make out her baby's head and torso, but everything else was hazy speckles and a series of various white marks and black circles. Maybe she did need glasses.
"Your placenta is actually quite low down," said the doctor.
"What does that mean?" Donna knew what a placenta was … vaguely, but had no clue what the position of it meant.
"It means that could be the reason for the bleed, although I don't think its so low down it would cause a problem." The doctor continued to run the scanner over different areas of Donna's abdomen, pushing hard at either side of her pelvis. "I don't see a bleed site, so I think we're good."
"So, why did it happen?" asked Harvey tentatively.
"Could be any one of a hundred reasons," said the doctor. "Some women bleed throughout their pregnancy and we never find out why. So, we'll probably never know. As I said when you came in, bleeding is common at all stages of pregnancy and there's often no explanation. If the blood is brown then it's old. Maybe even days old, so with a healthy baby on screen tonight, I'm not concerned. As long as there's no accompanying cramping or pain, then there's no need to investigate further."
Harvey and Donna looked at each other and breathed a unified sigh of relief.
"Do you want a photograph of the baby?"
"Yes!" said Harvey first. Beaming eagerly.
"Can we have a few copies?" asked Donna.
"Sure you can, is ten enough?"
"Ten sounds great." Donna thought she'd send one each to her parents, one to Harvey's brother, one for Louis … she smiled when she thought of Louis. 'He's going to cry.'
The doctor ran off the copies on a printer and handed them to Harvey along with some cardboard frames with a teddy bear on the front. Harvey grinned as he looked at the picture, gently running his finger over his baby's image. Finally it was real for him.
The doctor switched off the scanner and pushed it to one side. She then pulled out another, smaller handheld device. "This is a doppler. Now this may not work as it's still early days but I'm going to try and find your baby's heartbeat."
Dr. Vasquez reached for some paper towels and wiped the ultrasound gel off Donna's abdomen. She then placed the smaller, circular base of the doppler on her belly and slowly started to move it over the same area as she had with the scanner.
A loud static filled the examination room. Neither Donna nor Harvey knew what to expect from the noise which sounded like a radio trying to tune into a station. The doctor moved the implement around, pushing low into Donna's pelvis … and then they heard it …
Whoosh … whoosh … whoosh … whoosh …
"There you go," said Dr. Vasquez, smiling as the sound of their baby's heartbeat burst into the room. The noise was strong and fast and regular.
It was the most amazing noise Harvey had ever heard as he gripped Donna's hand and brought it to his face. He couldn't look at her because he didn't want her to see he was overawed with the miracle they had created. It was real. By god it was real now.
Donna relaxed as she heard the beautiful sound combined with the warmth of Harvey's touch. She remembered his promise earlier. "I promise that if by some miracle I get a second chance here, then I'm going to step up." She had faith in this moment that he was going to come through for her.
"Everything seems fine." Dr. Vasquez switched off the doppler and bundled some papers into a file. "You should keep your appointment for Tuesday and I'll send these through to you obstetrician. Best to go over everything that's happened tonight with her. We need to keep a watch on your placenta. As your womb grows it should move up from its current position, but there's a danger it could grow over your cervix and if that happens, then you'd have to deliver by c-section."
Donna didn't care. As long as she had her baby, she didn't mind how it entered the world.
"Thank you so much, doctor." Harvey stood up and shook Dr. Vasquez's hand.
The doctor smiled. "My pleasure. I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy. Try to enjoy it."
They watched the doctor leave and Harvey sat back down on the bed, reaching for Donna's hand again. "That was pretty cool."
"That's an understatement."
"I meant what I said earlier, Donna." Harvey reached forward and stroked her hair, bending down slightly as he held her gaze. "I'm going to sort myself out. I'm not letting you do this alone."
She half-sobbed as she smiled back at him. "I was so scared, Harvey. I can't believe everything is alright."
"Everything is more than alright … did you see that? That was awesome!"
"I know, I didn't expect to see that tonight. I guess I'm having a baby."
"We're having a baby!" He gently brushed his fingers through her hair again, his face registering the magnitude of the emotions they'd just experienced. From horror to elation, from fear to happiness. He leaned in close to her and pressed his lips to hers, holding the kiss before breaking free with a tug on her bottom lip.
"Harvey … I … "
"Sshh. Don't say anything. I'm going to make everything better. That's all you need to know."