THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER TEN – Love her, how?

It had been over six months since Harvey Specter had visited Dr. Paula Agard's office and, just as he'd promised himself the night before, he had called her first thing in the morning to make an appointment.

He walked decisively up the path to Dr. Agard's home-surgery and knocked on her door. This time wasn't like any of the previous times he'd visited her. He wasn't having panic attacks anymore. He wasn't lost or broken. Donna had come back to him in every sense of the word, but he needed Dr. Agard to help him to find a way he could be with her in return. How was he going to move on?

"Harvey, it's good to see you." Dr. Agard welcomed him cheerfully as she invited him inside. "It's been a while." She was dressed smartly in an off-the-peg black suit skirt and floaty blouse. He smiled warmly at her. He thought of her as a friend now – partly because he didn't view himself as a patient.

They took their usual seats around her glass coffee table and he remembered their first meeting. He had come to her for prescription drugs to ease his panic attacks. She had put him through hell to get them, which was something he wasn't used to. This tiny, polite, beautifully spoken woman frustrated the hell out of him. She had got the measure of him in seconds during that first meeting in a way he hadn't expected. He thought he'd be able to pull the wool over her eyes, but she'd proven herself as good a judge of character as Donna. Harvey Specter always got what he wanted, but this woman with her perfect manners and kind smile had stared him straight in the eye, saw his anguish and fought him. He had respected her for beating him. He had needed her to beat him.

"So, how have you been, Harvey?"

Harvey hesitated. Should he just plunge straight in with the 'situation?' "Well, I haven't had any more panic attacks."

"That's great Harvey. And what about work? The last time we spoke you were wondering whether you should resign."

"Oh that all blew over …" he knotted his fingers together as he thought back to the 'thing' with Forstman. It had seemed like the end of the world at the time, but little did he know what was to come. "… then Mike was arrested for fraud and … well he cut a deal and took two years. He wasn't a real lawyer. He didn't have a degree. I knew that from the start but I hired him anyway."

"Wow, Harvey, I'm so sorry. Uhm … why did you do that? Why did you hire Mike?"

Harvey could tell that Dr. Agard didn't actually know whether she should be feeling sorry for Mike or whether she should view him as the criminal which – more than technically – he was. "I saw something about him. I wanted to give him a chance. It was easy in the beginning, but once we started we couldn't stop."

"I see. So, is Mike what you've come to talk to me about today?"

His eyes grew wide as he listened to her probe him with her gentle questions. "No," he said emphatically. "I mean, I don't think I do. That isn't why I'm here." He shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, his feet not seeming to know which part of her carpet to rest on.

Dr. Agard crossed her legs and cupped her hands around her knee, rocking slightly forwards and waiting patiently for Harvey to reveal the reason for his visit. "I'm intrigued, Harvey."

Harvey reached into his inside pocket, removing a small piece of card with the picture of a teddy bear on the front. "Here," he said as he passed the card to his therapist.

Dr. Agard took the card. "What's this, Harvey?" She opened it up to find the scan image inside. "A baby ultrasound picture?" Her eyebrows raised in confusion as she looked at the small black and white print. Harvey couldn't help himself from grinning proudly. She noticed. Her face fell in realisation. "Are you telling me that this is your baby, Harvey?"

Harvey nodded his head, his eyes revealing a peaceful acceptance of the fact he was going to be a father. The intangible had suddenly become tangible and it was all held together by the little piece of card he now carried around in his suit pocket. His baby.

"Harvey, I don't know what to say. This is the last thing I thought you'd be coming to tell me today. I'm really pleased for you Harvey." She smiled as she passed the card back to him. "And the mother is?"

The look in his eyes changed, as did his posture as he put the picture back in his pocket. He knew the mother question would be the next thing Dr. Agard would ask him about and he was ready for the onslaught. This was the problem he'd come to see her about after all. He needed her to help him know how to do the 'right' thing … whatever the right thing was.

Dr. Agard shuffled in her chair as she waited for Harvey to answer her question. She knew him well, so she was wondering if this was the outcome of one of those numerous one-night-stands he bragged about. He hadn't been in a relationship when she'd last met him.

He took a deep breath, then thought better of it and exhaled without speaking. He twisted his mouth slightly and he sat forward, avoiding Dr. Agard's attentive gaze which he could feel burning his face. "The baby's mother … is Donna."

Dr. Agard grinned, remembering her one and only encounter with the woman who meant so much to the man who sat before her. 'Harvey, has no idea what he's missing,' she had told her. Dr. Agard had had no doubt she was right. She had liked Donna instantly and she had understood her exasperation with Harvey. "Are you and Donna 'together'?" she asked.

"No … I mean, I don't know … I don't think so."

"I see," said Dr. Agard trying not to giggle at his strange response. "But you were together enough to make a baby." There was a hint of mischief behind her smile that made Harvey scrunch up his nose. He didn't see the funny side.

"We were both drunk and stoned when that happened." He hoped that would dismiss the issue, but he could tell by her expression that she was hanging onto the rope and she'd probably be doing her best to pull him in further.

"I'm not sure I'm going to believe you if you tell me this is the result of a drunken one night stand."

He was right. She was pulling him in. Was there any point resisting? "Well, that's how it happened."

"I'm sure it is." Dr. Agard uncrossed her legs and then refolded them in the opposite direction. "Why have you come here if all we're talking about is the consequences of a one night stand? You've known each other for a long time. Surely your friendship is strong enough to handle this."

Harvey hung his head and knotted his brow into a frown. "Well, that's the way it should be, but …"

"But what, Harvey?"

"It's far more complicated. I don't know how … I mean when Donna told me about the baby it took me a while to get it straight in my head and I tried to do all the things I thought would make things better for her, but that wasn't what she wanted me to do and … well she's been sick and I haven't helped. In fact I've made things worse. She's been in hospital twice already and it's probably all my fault."

Dr. Agard didn't have to say anything. He could tell by the spark in her eyes and the way she twisted her mouth slightly to the right that she was imagining what all the things he'd said he'd done wrong were. "Harvey, I think we're going to need to start from the beginning. Why did you and Donna sleep together?"

"It happened the night Mike went to prison. I don't know why. As I said we were drunk and we were high and … it just happened."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to have sex."

Dr. Agard pursed her lips together. "That's not what I meant Harvey. You and Donna have been inseparable for how long now?"

"Over twelve years."

"Twelve years," she repeated, her tone of voice acknowledging the length of time they'd worked together, building a strong friendship and a co-dependent relationship that had lasted longer than many marriages. "So, after twelve years you suddenly decide, when you want to have sex, that she's the person to have it with."

"It wasn't like that. I wasn't even thinking about it. I'm sure she wasn't either. It just happened."

Dr. Agard laughed. "Harvey, there has to be a reason why. You've known Jessica a long time too. Why haven't you ever chosen to have sex with her?"

Harvey raised his eyebrows at the terrifying thought. "If Jessica put 'that' on the table, I damn well might," he joked. "If I didn't crap myself first."

"I'm being serious, Harvey. Why? Why Donna after having a platonic relationship for so long?"

"First of all, it wasn't the first time we've slept together. Secondly, I don't know."

Dr. Agard's eyes grew wide as she sat back in her chair. How hadn't she uncovered the fact that Harvey and Donna had once been intimate during their therapy sessions? She'd assumed their relationship was much greater than the platonic Harvey insisted. After all, you don't sink into the state of mental health Harvey Specter had been in just because your secretary moved to another lawyer's desk down the hall. "Okay, Harvey, wow. I hadn't realised this. How often has this happened?"

"Only once before. Not long after we'd met."

"I see." Her mind ticked over, pieces of the complicated puzzle that was Harvey Specter's love life falling into place. "Let me ask you this. How do you think Donna feels about you?"

"I don't know."

"Have you asked her?"

His face flushed as he remembered that night in her apartment a year ago. She had wanted him to stay. He had run. "I have always felt … well sometimes felt … that maybe she was in love with me. But then, every time I believed it she'd do something or say something and then I believed she wasn't."

"Like what? Give me an example?"

"Well she's always pushed me into relationships with other women. With Zoe and with Scottie. She used to give me hell for not telling them how I felt about them. It was as if she was genuinely upset that I didn't make a go of things with them. If she was in love with me, then she wouldn't have done that, would she?"

"Not necessarily, Harvey."

Harvey looked shocked. "Why the hell not?" This was something Donna had always done and it had always convinced him she thought about him as a friend and only as a friend.

"Maybe she wanted to see you happy so she could move on."

Harvey couldn't speak. He had genuinely never considered that before, but now it made sense. How had Dr. Agard seen through her behaviour when he hadn't? He'd known Donna for twelve years. Dr. Agard didn't know her at all. "Are you saying she's been waiting for me?"

"I don't know, Harvey. It's just conjecture. Does what I'm saying make any sense?"

"I think it could. But, why would she …"

"Donna sounds like she's an astute woman, Harvey. If she's known you weren't ready for a relationship – which you weren't – right from the start, then maybe she didn't want to ruin your friendship by trying. Or by forcing you into something you weren't ready for."

"But, Donna always says what's on her mind. I can't believe … she …"

"Harvey, this isn't news to you. You've just told me you'd suspected Donna was in love with you. Now it's time we move onto how you feel about her."

Harvey exhaled in resignation. He hated talking about his feelings and he was afraid of his therapist's way of digging deep into his psyche. But, this was why he'd come. He'd made a promise. "I love Donna. She knows I love her. I've told her."

"You love her, how?"

His body jolted to attention at that question, his heart sinking into the pit of his stomach. The same question he'd failed to answer a year ago when she'd asked him. The same question which signalled her leaving him to work for Louis. The same question which ultimately sent him into a downward spiral of panic attacks and misery. But it was also the question which had sent him to Dr. Agard. His question. A question that belonged to him. A question he still needed to answer.

"I love her as if she was the only person in the world that I've ever known. It's just different with Donna. Everything about her is different." He smiled as he thought about her and his knotted up stomach relaxed as happy memories flooded his mind. The way she teased him. The way she interrogated him. The way she cared about him. The way she laughed, the way she smiled, the way she was always there for him. "Donna is closer to me than anyone could ever be. Including my family, my brother … even my dad. She knows me and she …" He froze. The words were too alien as they swam around in his brain.

"She what, Harvey?"

"… she loves me …" said Harvey, his heart thudding against his ribcage as he realised that Donna had probably always loved him. Right from the start. "… and I think I love her."

"Then don't run away from her, Harvey. Give yourself a chance."

Harvey bristled. He had made a decision but as confident as he was. No scrub that. As arrogant as he was … the demons resurfaced. "What if I screw everything up? I can't lose her."

"If you don't try to make things work, then you will screw everything up and then you could lose her. And now there's a baby too."

The fear resurfaced. He'd tried at a relationship with other women and it hadn't mattered when he screwed up and they walked out of his life. He couldn't have that happen with Donna and his child. "So, you're saying I have no choice, but to try?"

"I'm saying when two people love each other the way you and Donna do, then why wouldn't you want to try? You only get one shot of life, Harvey. You said yourself that Donna was different."

"She is different."

"Then why are you still here? You have your answer."

"I guess I do," he said as he stood to leave.

Dr. Agard walked to the door and opened it for him. "I hope this is the last time I see you, Harvey. Not that I don't like seeing you, I just hope that you truly recognise what you have in your life and how much it's worth fighting for."

"Yeah, thank you, I think I do." He crossed the threshold of her surgery and walked out into a breezy afternoon.