THE BEST PART OF ME
CHAPTER 11 – Making Amends
When Donna arrived at work the day after her scare at the hospital she knew she had a lot to sort out. She could count on one hand the number of times she and Rachel had had an argument and their confrontation had been playing on her mind all night. With the worry about the baby over and things partially resolved with Harvey, she felt able to tackle Rachel. She couldn't bear for there to be any bad feelings between them. Even amongst all the turmoil and fear of thinking she'd lost her baby, the clawing feeling at the pit of her stomach was still there. She had upset her friend. Deeply upset her. She would do whatever it took to make amends.
It was mid-morning by her nausea had settled enough to allow her to pluck up the courage to go and see Rachel, so she made the short walk from her cubicle to her best friend's office. She peered in through the glass wall. Rachel was working at her desk, a pile of folders strewn in the corner of her office and a small pile on her spare chair. Donna knocked at the glass door and Rachel looked up. There was no smile. Instead, Rachel rolled her eyes and looked away. Undeterred, Donna entered the office, moved the folders from the chair and sat down.
"I've got a deadline to meet, so I don't really have time for … this." Rachel spoke sharply as she glanced at her watch, signalling to Donna that she was exactly as busy as she claimed.
Donna bent her head to the side and looked at her. Rachel was refusing to meet her gaze. Donna sighed and continued to sit. Waiting …
"Donna, I'm busy. What is it?"
"We need to talk."
"I haven't got time."
"Do you think maybe you could make time?"
"Why the hell should I make time? I told you yesterday. You're not the only person with things on their mind."
"I don't want us to fight anymore, Rach." Donna's eyes pleaded with her, but Rachel still refused to even look in her direction. "Please, I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking yesterday. I know I haven't been there for you. I do know that and I am truly sorry. If I could do these last couple of months differently, then I would, believe me. It's just been hard. It's like nothing I've ever been through before and … I've just been so sick … and scared."
Rachel stopped clicking with her mouse and finally averted her gaze from her computer monitor. "I know this has been difficult for you … oh I don't know …" She looked down and twiddled with the buttons on her sweater. "I don't want to be mad with you … but … you hit a nerve, I guess."
"What do you mean, Rach?" Tears formed in Donna's eyes as she leaned forward, closing a metaphorical gap that had arisen between them, although the desk stood firm, like a rock in the centre.
Rachel flopped back in her chair. Her dark brown hair curled in waves around her shoulders as she held her gaze away from Donna's. "I know it's not his fault, but I know he's here and Mike isn't and sometimes that makes me angry …"
Donna's mind whirled as she grasped what Rachel was telling her. "You mean Harvey?"
Rachel sniffed and flicked a wisp of hair from her face. "I'm not angry with him, I'm angry with Mike. I haven't seen him for three weeks … I keep making excuses. I … all of this has made me realise what he took away from me …"
"Do you mean your wedding?"
"No, I mean my life!" Rachel's eyes finally snapped upwards to meet Donna's as she raised her voice. There was anger in her tone and Donna twitched awkwardly in her seat. "I begged him not to take that deal. You begged Harvey. Only one of them listened and only one of them is still around."
"Oh Rach, I'm so sorry," said Donna as she allowed her tears to fall. She loved Rachel and she hated seeing her upset. "I don't know what to say … I …"
"It isn't your fault, Donna. Harvey listened to you because he loves you." She let out a short laugh at her own words. "You weren't even in a relationship, but he loved you enough to listen to you. He loved you more than Mike must have loved me."
"Rachel, that wasn't the way things were. You must know this." Donna wasn't going to allow Rachel to think this way. Mike was like her kid brother and she missed him too. "Mike did what he had to do for all of us. He loves you very much, you know he does."
"Well, I'm angry with him, Donna. I'm really angry with him. You were right yesterday. I am jealous. It isn't fair and it isn't your fault or Harvey's fault. I just have to deal with this by myself."
"I shouldn't have said those things to you yesterday. It was stupid of me."
"It's okay, like I said, you hit a nerve. But I was telling the truth, I am truly happy for you, no matter what happens with me and Mike, please believe me when I say that."
Donna wiped her face and smiled warmly. "Then we should talk no more about it."
Rachel smiled back. "No, we won't. And we're good. I'm going to visit Mike this afternoon actually. I need to see him … uhm … are we talking about the baby yet?"
"You want to tell him?"
"Only if it's okay with you."
"Oh … uhm … I'd prefer to wait a bit." Donna stumbled as she remembered how she'd come so close to losing her baby last night.
"Why? Is everything okay? Did you speak with Harvey?"
"Uhm … yes … we managed to sort a few things out, it's just … well … we had a bit of a scare last night …"
"A scare! What kind of scare?" Rachel shrieked, suddenly feeling like she was the most selfish person in the world. "Is everything okay with the baby?"
Donna hugged her arms, shielding herself from the panic she had felt yesterday evening – the panic which she knew was still fresh in her mind ready to pounce as soon as she allowed herself to relax. "I had a bleed and it knocked the wind out of my sails a bit. Well, more than a bit, actually. It was terrifying. I convinced myself the baby was gone before we even got to the hospital."
"Oh my god, Donna, that's awful. Should you be at work today? I mean are you sure you're okay?"
"Yes, everything is fine. Actually everything is more than fine. We got to see the baby on an ultrasound and we heard its heart beating for the first time. It was amazing, Rach, really amazing. It didn't feel real until then, but now … I guess I'm going to have a baby."
Rachel brought her hands to her chest as she heard Donna talk about the baby. She wanted her to be happy. She deserved to be happy. "Wow, that's wonderful. I'm so pleased for you. Oh my god I'm going to be a fab auntie," she said with a giggle. "And … uhm … how was Harvey?"
"Surprising, actually. He's fighting his own demons through all of this and I don't completely understand what's going on in his mind, but when I needed him, he was there. He was supportive and he …" Donna's eyes glazed over as she recalled how frightened he had been as they'd sat waiting in the hospital room last night. He'd been scared too. More scared than she'd ever seen him. "… I think he fell in love with the baby last night. I could see it in his face. He looked happy and peaceful. I'm so glad he was there to see it all. I think last night was when it all became real for him too."
"I am so pleased for you, Donna. Oh, and I can't wait to see Harvey Specter strolling into the office with a baby carrier. Oh my days, can you imagine what Mike would have said?" Her face changed as the words left her mouth. "Shit … listen to me? I'm talking about Mike in the past tense as if he were dead."
"He's going to be back here before we know it," said Donna. "I promise we'll tell him soon, it's just after what happened last night I don't want people to know in case …"
"Hey, I understand. You don't have to explain. But, everything is going to be okay, you know?"
"Yeah I think you're right."
X X X
Donna had her lunch – more rice – and finished off some work before Harvey finally arrived at the office. It was almost 2.00pm and he had called earlier to say he had meetings all day. Her body jerked to attention as she saw him strolling down the hall. The fear had returned. Was he going to run again? She hadn't seen him since he'd dropped her at her apartment last night – that was more than enough time for Harvey Specter to think, analyse, over-analyse, become terrified … and run! He had form for it. It's what he'd done so many times before.
His footsteps slowed as he reached her cubicle and she looked up to greet him. He was smiling. 'That's a good sign,' she thought as her stomach relaxed. His smile widened and he gave her a wink as he entered his office. 'Hmm another good sign.'
She watched him faff and fiddle with papers on his desk, before switching on his console and getting on with work. She'd give him an hour to catch up before checking on him.
The hour turned into two hours.
She was about to approach him when he ducked out to a meeting with Jessica.
He came back two hours later. It was almost 6.00pm.
He walked along the corridor again, his face changing as he saw her still sitting at her desk working. "Donna, why are you still here? You should have left an hour ago. You work 'till five, remember?"
She twisted her face as she looked at him. He should know why she was still there. He did know, of course. "I wanted to see you before I went home."
His eyes smiled knowingly as he motioned her into his office. "I'm sorry, I've only got scotch," he said as he poured himself a drink.
"That's okay. I'd barf it up if I was allowed to drink it anyway."
"You still as sick? How long will that last?"
"It's only supposed to last first trimester which is the end of next week, but my doctor said because I have hyperemesis it could take longer to leave my system."
He took a swig of scotch. "I'm sorry. Is that responsible for my new trashcan? My third trashcan?"
"Yes, but it's your fourth. I replaced another last week when you were away."
Harvey twisted his mouth as he sat down on his sofa next to her. "Shit, well I hope it stops soon or the quartermaster is going to get very suspicious. He'll think I'm selling trashcans on the side."
They sat in silence for a moment as they both tried to work out what to say next. This was so strange for both of them.
"I … uhm … had an offer accepted on that apartment in my building. You don't have to take it if you don't want to, but I needed to act quickly, so I did. I can still pull out if you're dead against it, but ... what do you think?"
Donna reclined backwards on the sofa, resting her head on her hand. "Oh, I don't know Harvey … I'm not sure how I feel about moving home. I haven't even seen the apartment. And I don't know how I feel about you buying it for me."
"I understand," he said.
She raised her eyebrows in surprise. "You … do?"
"Sure I do, but it's only money, Donna. I'll put the apartment in the baby's name if that makes you feel better. I just figured you'd need a bigger place. The baby will need somewhere to sleep and well, I wanted you both to be close by."
Her heart skipped a beat as she realised wanting to be closer to her … to them … may have more to do with his apartment idea than the extra bedroom. "You're right about all of this Harvey, but I just don't feel ready. The baby isn't here yet and what if …" She looked down at her hands, not wanting to say what was on her mind. "… What if something happens?"
"Nothing is going to happen, Donna."
"You don't know that, Harvey."
"Yeah, I do. I have a feeling."
She laughed softly. "A feeling? You have those?"
He rolled his eyes and twisted his mouth into a mock grimace. "I've always had feelings Donna. It's just talking about them I have trouble with."
"And acting on them?"
An awkward silence filled the room. He knew what she meant. And it was still hard for him. "I went to see Dr. Agard today." He told her proudly because it was just as he'd promised her.
"Oh, I'd wondered if you had."
"Yeah, I rang through for an appointment first thing this morning. I needed to talk about all of those feelings I don't have."
She grinned. "How was it?"
"Good. We talked about the baby. She was pretty shocked."
"I'll bet she was. Shocked in a good way though, right?"
"Yeah, I think so. She's probably terrified I'll screw everything up. Just like you are." He looked into his tumbler, swirling the amber liquid around at the bottom of the glass. "And just like I am."
"Well, I don't think either of us are free from worry about this, Harvey. I don't know the first thing about being a mom."
"You'll be great, but that's not what I meant." He turned to face her, resting his arm on the back of the sofa, mirroring her own position. "I mean she's terrified I'll screw things up with you."
Her eyes locked with his before she looked away nervously. She didn't know what to say. "What are you saying to me, Harvey?"
His hand trailed the black leather of the sofa, his fingers dipping into the bumps made by the buttons as his mind whirred with that question. His question. "You asked me how I loved you once."
Her stomach flipped over as he talked. This was the question he'd ran from. "I did and you refused to answer."
"I couldn't answer you then because there was no answer. I didn't know how." He reclaimed his hand and ran it through his hair. "I'm over 40 years old and I don't know how to be in love with someone. I've never been in love. I thought I was in love with Scottie, but I wasn't. Scottie was fun and interesting and … well she's me in a dress, so of course I thought I loved her. I tried with her and I blamed myself when it didn't work out … but I was never in love with her. At least I don't think I was."
Donna listened to him talk, although all she wanted to do was scream, 'I'm not interested in hearing about you and Scottie!'
"So when you asked me how I love you I knew I loved you differently to that, but I didn't know how to describe it. Does that make any sense?"
Donna shook her head. "No, not really."
"Look, last year, when you left me to work for Louis, I couldn't function without you. I need you. And not just for work. I need to see you every day. I need to talk to you. I need to look at you. You're part of me, the best part of me. That's how I love you. I love you so much that I can't bear to be away from you. And I do see you like that. I've always seen you like that, right from the start … but you had that rule and I didn't want to break it because I'd rather have you beside me every single day of my life than try something with you, screw it up and lose you forever."
Donna was stunned, but not surprised. It was how she'd always thought it was with him. She sighed deeply and looked away from. "So, where does all of this leave us?"
He scooted along the sofa, closing the gap between them and turned her chin towards him, forcing her to look at him. "I love you, Donna."
"And I love you, Harvey, but that isn't enough, is it?"
His brows contorted into a firm line. "What do you mean?"
"Because it isn't enough that you love me, even if you love me in that way. It's the same as it's always been. This is you having everything and me …"
"… I never had everything, Donna," he snapped, interrupting her. "You were wrong. I didn't have you the way I wanted to have you. I had you by my side every day, working for me as my secretary, but I didn't have you."
"You had what you wanted and if you wanted something else, then getting that was up to you."
"I know. I did. I just didn't know how to get it." He took hold of her hand which made her flinch. His touch was still so unexpected even after everything that they'd been through. "I want to try."
"Try?"
"Yes, I want to try." His voice was trembling and he couldn't hide the fear in his eyes as he looked at her, waiting for her response. "I want to give us a go."
She didn't know whether it was nausea, fear, panic or joy that took hold of her but all of a sudden she couldn't bear it any more. She withdrew her hand from his. "I don't think I can do this. I've been waiting so long … waiting for you for so long … and now? Shit."
"I'm sorry, Donna," he said quickly and instinctively. 'Jesus, don't say I've screwed up already'.
"It's not your fault, Harvey. It's my fault. I love you. I've always loved you, but I've told myself I didn't love you for so long that I don't know how to …"
"Why did you do that?"
"Because you broke my heart, Harvey."
The colour paled from his face. "Last year? When I ran away?" he asked.
"Yes and so many times before that. Right at the start, after 'the other time,' when we met in that café … Jesus I can still remember your words. 'I don't want to lose you.' The same as you're saying to me now. I thought you were going to tell me you didn't want to lose me. Instead you told me you didn't want to lose your secretary. I made the choice there and then. I chose to be your friend and I buried how I really felt about you."
"… Donna, I didn't know that …" he stammered, his voice laced with regret.
"Didn't you?" She only half believed him. How hadn't he known?
"No, I mean sometimes, over the years I thought about it. Like in the mock trial when you wouldn't answer Louis's question. Then, a few times with Scottie. And then last year, of course. But, why didn't you tell me?"
"Because you weren't ready. I either had to take what you were able to give to me – the best friendship I've ever had – or I had to walk away. I didn't walk. I'm glad I didn't walk. And I didn't stop loving you. Not once." She turned away from him. This was too difficult and the wounds were too deep.
"I'm ready now."
"I know you think you're ready Harvey, but I'm not sure. I don't know if I can risk … I'm on my own and I'm pregnant and I don't want you to break my heart again. See, now it's me who can't risk it. I'm sorry, I never thought I'd feel this way and I can't believe I'm saying this to you. If it wasn't for the baby then I wouldn't be feeling this way, but if it wasn't for the baby then you wouldn't have told me how you felt."
"I'm not telling you this because of the baby, Donna. I'm telling you this because it's the truth."
She inhaled deeply again. Her legs were shaking but she felt numb. And she felt cold. She never thought it would be like this. Harvey Specter not only telling her he loved her, but also telling her he wanted them to be together was something she'd wanted, deep down at least, for a long time. After twelve years of loving him one-sidedly it had finally happened. Tears welled in her eyes, but she kept control of them. She forced herself to think rationally and she pushed away the feelings. "I need you to be there for me and the baby. I don't want to end up running back to my parents with a broken heart at my age. I'm too old and … wow … this has come full circle, hasn't it? It's me who needs you now. It's me who is afraid of risking what we have. It's me who is frightened of how I feel because I can't lose you. I can't lose you, Harvey! Do you understand?"
"Donna, please …" he whispered gently. It had taken so much for him to tell her how he felt that her rejecting him hurt more than he believed possible.
"I'm sorry, Harvey, I can't think about myself … or you. I have to think about what's best for the baby. It's more than just you and me and how we feel about each other. I love you, but this is about my baby … our baby … and our baby needs both of us. What would happen if we were a disaster?"
She stood up and moved to the door. Her legs were shaking and she felt sick, which was a combination of both her nausea and her distress. Before she left the room she looked back at him. He looked defeated and confused. She couldn't bear seeing him like this. All she wanted to do was run to him, and kiss him and tell him she loved him, but she couldn't. 'Maybe he could be who I need him to be?' she thought for a moment before she forced the idea out of her mind. She always had faith in him, but not about this. She'd watched him screw up too many relationships too many times.
"I love you, Harvey," she said again as she opened the door. "And I promise I'm never going to leave you."