THE BEST PART OF ME
Chapter 12 – Jessica Knows
The last three weeks had been some of the most difficult in Donna's life.
She'd done everything she could to make things up to Harvey, but he was barely talking to her. He was like a different man, a ghost of his former self. There was no spark in his eye, there was no witty banter, there was no fire and there was no drive. She knew it was her fault.
How could she have done this to him? She'd asked herself that very question every day since she had effectively rejected him. At night her dreams were consumed by him, her memories of 'the other time' mixed with the 'stupid time' came to her in her subconscious, reminding her what she'd lost. He didn't understand. She didn't understand. It was all her gut. Her gut had told her that Harvey Specter would break her heart … again. If it weren't for her baby she would risk it. Absolutely she would. Hell, she'd been waiting for him to tell her how he felt about her for twelve freaking years! Of course she would have jumped at the chance of trying to make things work with him at any other time in her life. She loved him. But, now everything had changed.
Her gut told her 'they' would be a disaster. Something would happen … actually one thing after another would happen. He'd do something stupid. They'd fight. He'd shut down. She'd demand he talk to her. He'd say the wrong thing. She'd have her heart broken. That's the order of things and if it weren't for the baby she'd risk it in the hope they could always go back. But going back was always a pie-in-the-sky hope anyway.
So she'd told him she wanted things to stay as they were. After, twelve years of waiting for him to finally realise that he wanted to be with her, she'd pulled the plug on everything they both wanted. She hoped Harvey would accept her wishes. She hoped he'd be able to push his feelings to one side too … eventually.
X X X
It was a sunny Monday morning and she woke up feeling better than she had in a long time. Fourteen weeks. She'd made it into the 'safe zone' of her pregnancy and her worry that something could go wrong at any moment had subsided. Best of all, the nausea had vanished. She'd expected it to last a little bit longer than what her pregnancy books had told her due to the severity, but over the weekend she suddenly realised she no longer felt like she was going to throw up every second of the day. In fact, she'd felt so fantastic that she'd called Rachel round and they'd had a 'girlie' Saturday night together with a movie and take-out. Rachel had been amazed by how much Donna had eaten. Donna just loved being able to eat full stop. She had actually lost weight over the past month when she should have been putting it on. She didn't feel healthy, so now she was going to eat as if food was going out of fashion.
It was 6.00am when she tumbled out of bed and into the shower. Just like every Monday morning, she had her routine to follow, but this morning she noticed something different about her body. She noticed her bump. Of course she'd been prodding and poking at her belly ever since she found out she was pregnant, wondering what the hell she was going to wear when she eventually 'looked' pregnant. Now, there it was staring back at her as she saw her reflection in her bedroom mirror. It was as if it had suddenly popped overnight, the small bump pressing above her pelvis and rising just below her bellybutton. She ran her hands under the hard mound, cupping it for the first time and she smiled. But then she panicked. What the hell was she going to wear?
She tried on one of her tailored dresses. Could she get away with it still? The dress fitted everywhere but it pulled noticeably around her front. She sighed. 'There goes half my wardrobe,' she thought as she dug deep for a more forgiving option. She didn't have many loose fitting dresses, but some were made from jersey fabric so she picked a stretchy grey floral printed Chloe dress which was more comfortable and didn't pull as noticeably. There was no avoiding the issue anymore, however. She really needed to buy some new clothes.
Before she left for the office she took a last look in the mirror. Would people notice? Then she mentally chastised herself. Why did it matter? She'd have to come clean sooner or later, so why was she worrying? Why was she putting off the big reveal to the world?
She put on her shoes and packed up her bag. Whether the bump was noticeable or not, she felt 'good to go'.
X X X
She got to her desk at 7.30am. She hadn't arrived at the office so early for months, but she was enjoying her first Monday of feeling well. She had brought Harvey his usual coffee order, opting for an organic smoothie from the coffee shop on the corner for herself.
Harvey was already in his office when she arrived. It was very early – for him – and she was surprised to see him sitting with his head down at his desk already.
She entered his office and popped his coffee down on the desk in front of him. "Hey, how are you doing?"
"Fine," he mumbled. "Thanks."
It had been one word answers for the last few weeks and she was getting tired of it. She felt totally stuck. She knew it was her fault, but she didn't know how to make things better.
"Okay, so I've been thinking about that apartment. I'm sure it'll be great when the time comes and I wanted to say thank you for the thought."
He didn't look up from his console. "Great."
'Shit this is going to be even harder than I imagined,' she thought. "And I was thinking it was probably time to make the baby news public, what do you think?"
"Whatever you thinks best," he mumbled again. His eyes were staring blankly at his screen as he clicked around his system with his mouse, opening up window after window, but not really taking much notice of what was on the screen.
"Okay, … uhm … oh … and I really need to get some new clothes …"
"Just take my card."
"Harvey, I'm not asking you for money!" she snapped. His eyes didn't budge from the screen. God she was tired of this. "Just tell me what to do to put this right."
She heard him sigh. He was no longer clicking, but his face didn't budge. "You tell me, you're the one calling all the shots around here."
"Harvey … don't you know why …?"
"Why you told me I wasn't going to be good enough for you before I'd even tried?"
"No, that's not what …" her voice trailed off. No point in denying it. That was what she'd told him.
He finally looked up from his console and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. She was leaning against his window ledge wearing a stretchy, but form-fitting dress. She had complained of losing weight due to her nausea and even though she had always been slim, her face and arms had started to look too thin in recent weeks. He'd found it quite worrying, but her doctor had said it was normal given the gravity of her sickness and she'd put on weight once the nausea stopped. His eyes ran over her body, focussing on her abdomen. All of a sudden there was now a very prominent bump. He couldn't help smile as he saw it and he momentarily forgot how angry he was with her.
"Jesus, Donna, is that …" He gulped and motioned with his hands, pointing at her stomach.
She looked down. She thought she'd hid it well, but obviously not. She stood up and ran her hand over her belly. "Yes, there's definitely a baby in there." The mood in the room lifted. Temporarily.
"Yes, you're going to need to get some new clothes. I got you a card for everything you needed, remember?"
Donna sighed. "Harvey, I don't need your money … I …"
"I know you don't!" he snapped. His face flushed as he slammed his body back in his chair. "You don't need anything from me, you've made that damned clear. I got it already!"
She pursed her lips together into a thin line and she breathed heavily through her nose. 'How long was this going to last?' she walked into the centre of the room and turned to face him. "I didn't say I didn't need you Harvey. In fact, I said the opposite. I said I did need you."
"Yeah, well that's not what I heard."
"Well, maybe your heard what you wanted to hear."
"You think I wanted to hear you tell me that?" he spat, his eyes narrowed in disbelief. "After it took so much for me to tell you how I feel about you?" He just couldn't understand why this was happening to him.
"I told you I was afraid, Harvey. Just like you've been afraid for twelve years."
"So this is you getting back at me?"
She gasped. "What?" How the hell could he even think that never mind say it out loud?
"Then why?"
"Harvey, I've already told you why."
"Then tell me a-goddamn-gain!"
She bristled as he yelled at her. "You know what, Harvey, I'm not going to talk to you when you're being like this. There's no point. I told you why I made my decision and you need to respect that because I'm not going to change my mind and I'm absolutely not going to stand here a second longer while you bawl me out."
She stormed out of his office, leaving him to stare after her. He was too irate to continue working and he had a headache to show for it, so he put a record on, took a paracetamol and tried to relax.
X X X
Donna had spent so much time in the bathroom over the last two months that she felt like she lived in there. The blue-grey walls were as familiar as the walls of her own apartment, the toilet bowl (her vomit receiving conduit of choice was the one on the near right) had welcomed practically everything she'd eaten for weeks. Aside from the blasted rice. She now avoided rice like the plague, eating everything but carbs. It was as if meat, fruit and vegetables were something new that she'd only just discovered and she could get enough of them.
She stood at the sink, washing her hands, looking at herself in the mirror. She was shaking. She hated fighting with Harvey and she wished they could find a way to work through all their shit, but she feared that was going to take a miracle.
As she finished up, the door swung open and Jessica strolled in. There'd been a number of times that Jessica had almost caught her vomiting up her insides over the last couple of months and her stomach leapt involuntarily when she saw her. Then she realised she wasn't sick anymore, so she didn't have to hide it.
Jessica smiled at Donna as she walked over to the sink next to her. She turned the tap on and started washing her hands.
Donna could feel Jessica's eyes burning into her skin. She knew. She was Donna. "You know, usually washing your hands is the last thing you do when you visit the bathroom."
"Usually your boss hasn't come in to ask you if you're pregnant."
Donna felt every inch of her insides groan. "How … uhm … long have you known?" She looked at Jessica sheepishly, not knowing how she was going to react.
"Five seconds."
Donna let out a short, nervous laugh. "How long have you suspected?"
"A while. I'm not stupid and it's pretty obvious today." She motioned at Donna's suddenly noticeable bump. "That bullshit you all fed me about you being run down was down to this, wasn't it?"
Donna nodded her head guiltily.
"Is this why Harvey's walking around the office as if he's got a stick up his ass?" She turned the taps off and dried her hands on a paper towel.
Donna felt sick with nerves. Did Jessica suspect Harvey was the father, or not? "I … uhm … I guess so."
"You know Donna, I'm surprised you've let this happen, but I'm happy for you. If you're happy?" She narrowed her gaze, searching Donna's face for confirmation that she was pleased about her condition.
"Yes, I'm happy," she said proudly. Her hands instinctively falling to her belly as she smiled contentedly.
Jessica smiled too. "Good. Who else knows?"
"Uhm, just Rachel, Gretchen, Harvey … and uhm … Louis."
"Louis knows?" shrieked Jessica amusedly. "Jesus Christ, how the hell did he manage to keep that to himself?"
Donna laughed as she turned to face Jessica. "He's been really sweet."
"I can imagine." She smoothed her hair down in the mirror as she looked at Donna's reflection behind her. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I was scared to. I know that this has come at the worst time. Everybody has been working so hard and … well I know I'm just Harvey's secretary, but I felt like I was going to become a problem none of you needed."
Jessica sighed. "You're not just Harvey's secretary, Donna, you're part of our family and you're as important to the firm as any one of us. You're the glue that holds us all together."
Donna beamed at Jessica's kind words. She admired Jessica, but they'd never really opened up to one another. She didn't know what Jessica thought about her.
"So, I'm going to have to figure out what we're all going to do without our glue."
Donna was confused. Was she being fired? "What do you mean? I'm … uhm … not going anywhere."
Jessica laughed, but then realised that Donna may not have considered what she was going to do once the baby was born. "Unless you plan to work Harvey's desk until you give birth and then have the baby put up for adoption, you're going to be away for some time."
Donna shuddered. She just assumed she'd be back at work immediately. Was she mad for thinking this? "Harvey will just have to have a temp for a while and as long as whoever it is doesn't mess up my filing system, I can cope with that."
Jessica watched as Donna moved towards the door. Her frown was fixed. There was something else she wanted to say. Donna knew.
"Are you still with the baby's father?"
Donna froze. 'What the hell do I say?' she thought. She didn't know whether Harvey was ready for people knowing the baby was his. "Uhm … no … we're not together anymore," she half-lied. It wasn't her place to tell Jessica. Harvey should be the one to tell her.
"I'm sorry. It must be … uhm … not ideal."
"You could say that," said Donna sadly.
They continued to hold their gaze. Donna wondering if she should leave. Jessica wondering if she should say what was on her mind.
"Uhm … okay … best get back to work then" said Donna finally, as she moved towards the door. Could this be any more awkward?
"Before you go …" said Jessica, making Donna's insides flip over for a second time. "When you left to work for Louis last year, Harvey went to shit. If there's anything you could do to make sure that doesn't happen again, I'd be grateful."
It was a strange request and Donna wasn't sure whether it was a plea, or a dig. She didn't reply. She just nodded and left the room.
X X X
Later that afternoon, Jessica called a meeting in the conference room. They had just won a big client and she had a job for everyone, Harvey, Louis, Rachel … and Donna.
It wasn't often that Donna was asked into a meeting, so she was suspicious. She sat as opposite from Harvey as possible, with Rachel on her right. Louis sat next to Harvey. It turned out that all Jessica wanted her to do was assist Rachel with some semi-paralegal work involving their client's takeover of three small businesses.
As the meeting drew to a close and she had everybody's attention, Jessica seized the moment.
"One last thing," she said. Louis had already stood up, so he flopped back into his chair. "The five of us here are this firm. We were the ones left standing when everybody else deserted us. We are the ones who are rebuilding. We are all as important as each other and I don't want any more goddamn secrets. Do you understand?"
There was silence, followed by a few unified nods.
"If any of you is going through anything in their lives that may impact on this firm, or may impact on the way you do your jobs, then you speak about it. Tell me and tell me straight away. I know Donna is pregnant and because we're family, we're all going to be there for her because we're strong and because that's what family does. I don't want anybody to keep me in the dark about anything ever again."
She looked at Donna expecting a smile of relief, but all she saw in her face was dread.
"You think nobody's been there for her?" said Harvey, anger rising in the pit of his stomach as his blood started to charge through his veins. This wasn't just about Donna. This was about him too.
Jessica narrowed her eyes. She had half-expected some sort of reaction from Harvey. There must be a good reason why he'd been in such a foul mood for weeks. "What I'm saying is it appears I'm the last to know about this so I'm drawing a line, right here, right now. We're all going to pull together for Donna, just like we did for Mike."
Louis nodded in agreement. "I've already told Donna I'm going to do whatever I can to help, haven't I, Donna?" He was points-scoring and everyone knew it.
"Yes, you have, thank you Louis." She wished she could jump on a transporter pad and beam herself back to her desk. Her gut told her this wasn't going to end well.
"I've got some details of antenatal classes for you, like I promised. There's one that starts on a Wednesday night. I'll take you, I don't mind. I'd be honoured."
"Thank you Louis, that's really sweet of you," said Donna.
Harvey's face had turned to lava. He was nearing eruption point. Donna knew she had to do something to change the subject.
"Okay, thanks everyone, it's … uhm … good to have this all out in the open and I'm sure it'll all be fine." She stood up, ready to leave the room.
Louis stood up too. "Don't worry Donna, like Jessica said we're all here. And if that no-good cretin who left you to have his baby one your own ever shows his face around here, then I for one will be giving him a piece of my mind."
That was it.
Harvey shot to his feet, his face red and his fists clenched as he stared down Louis. Rachel and Donna looked at each other, terror etched on their faces. Louis and Jessica were still in the dark.
"What the hell's the matter with you?" Louis looked at Harvey standing next to him. His face was strained red with anger.
"You're the matter with me!" Harvey roared.
Louis swallowed hard and shrank back down into his chair. Jessica looked on in astonishment, fearing the worst. "I don't know … what …" mumbled Louis.
"You still haven't told him?" shot Harvey at Donna. She was frozen to the spot, although she wanted to run.
"Harvey, maybe you should do this somewhere else, and maybe at another time," pleaded Rachel. Her dark brown eyes begging him to control himself.
"Or maybe we should just have this out now considering we're all supposed to be family?" yelled Harvey. He looked around at the four pairs of eyes that were fixed upon him. Two of them were terrified. The other two were bewildered.
"Harvey, please …" Donna's voice was desperate as she sat back down. Tears had started to form in her eyes and that hadn't gone unnoticed by any of them.
"Look, I don't know what any of this is about but you need to goddamn control yourself right now," said Jessica.
"Or maybe I don't," said Harvey sarcastically as he puffed up his chest and paraded around the room. "We're family are we? We're family when it suits us. You couldn't wait to step in and take over and play pretend daddy, could you Louis?"
Louis's face crumpled in confusion. "I just wanted to help Donna. That jackass boyfriend of hers left her on her own and I wanted to help. What's so wrong with that?"
"Because it's not your place!" slammed Harvey. He knew he was crossing the line. He knew he was being unfair, but he couldn't help himself.
"You're jealous." Louis was furious. "You're jealous because I've been there for Donna in all the ways you can't. I'm going to help her look after the baby. That's right, I'll do whatever she asks, whether it's midnight feeds or changing diapers or any of that stuff. You're not going to be any help. You're cold and unemotional and too goddamn selfish."
"Louis, I swear to god, if you don't shut your mouth right now, then …"
"Then you'll what, Harvey? You'll hit me? Why?"
"Because it isn't your baby, Louis!" yelled Harvey.
Louis's eyes popped out of his head. He was right, Harvey was jealous and that gave him the upper hand. "I know it's not my baby, so what? It isn't yours!"
"YES IT IS!"
Donna shut her eyes as silence engulfed the room.
Rachel felt an urge to pull Donna out of the room and rescue her, but she scooted her chair over and placed her hand on her back for support instead.
Louis was frozen. His face etched with … with what? Disgust? Loathing? Rage?
Jessica lowered her eyes in embarrassment. She'd always wondered about Donna and Harvey. Now she had her answer. "Goddamn it, Harvey," she said breaking the awkward silence in the room. "What the hell have you done?"
Harvey couldn't speak. He saw the look on everyone's faces and he knew he'd not so much crossed a line as pole-vaulted over it. He sat down in silence, refusing to look at anyone.
Louis's face crumpled in abject horror. "So, this is true? It's his baby, not that other guy's?" Donna could feel him looking at her so she raised her eyes to meet his. He saw her tears fall and he knew. He shook his head. "Jesus, Donna, you did that again … with him … why?"
Harvey's eyes turned to angry pinholes as he squinted in disbelief. "You told him about the 'other time,'?"
"I … uhm … yes," she said, her face flushed with shame. "He asked me if … we ever …" She didn't want to go into the details of why Louis had asked her if she'd ever slept with Harvey. It was just after he'd learned about Mike. It was a horrible period of time in the history of their friendship together and she didn't want to remember the man Louis was back then.
"How the hell did he …?" Harvey turned to Louis who was sitting with pursed lips, his fingers threaded together in front of him. "Louis, you've done some weird creepy shit in your time and I don't even think I want to know how you came to ask Donna that, so let me tell you this." He shifted to face Louis who was sinking further and further into the conference room chair. "You mind your own goddamn business, you hear me? This is my baby. This has nothing to do with you. No freaking way on god's green earth am I letting you within a foot of my baby."
Now it was Donna's turn to get angry. "Harvey, leave him alone. He wants to help because he's my friend."
"Yeah, well, Donna it looks like you at least want one of us to help you then, doesn't it?"
"Actually no!" She was ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated by both of them. "I don't need any help!" She stood, kicking her chair back so hard that it slammed into the wall. "I don't need any help from either of you. I'm doing just fine on my own. So, if you're both finished fighting over me as if I was an imbecile who can't make any decision or do anything by herself, then I think I'd like to return to work. Rachel and I have a lot to get on with."
Rachel stood up, cleared her throat and followed Donna out of the room.
Louis saw that as his cue too. Without a word to anybody he stood up, his face deflated as if someone had let all the air out of him. He followed them out of the room, turning on his heel in the opposite direction, and marching back to his office.
Jessica sat cross legged, her eyes fixed on Harvey. The pretty pink pastel shade of her expensive designer dress at odds with the anger and disappointment that was etched on her face.
Harvey hung his head low. He was gutted. How could he fuck up so catastrophically? He felt Jessica's glare burn into him as he sat, terrified to meet her gaze. "Just say it," he muttered.
"I don't need to say it. You goddamn know."
He arched one eyebrow at her as his brow crumpled into a frown. "I do?"
"You know you're an idiot." Her rich voice was laced with indignation.
"Yeah, I know."
"Harvey, I don't want any details here believe me, but what the hell were you thinking?"
"You mean … when …?"
"I mean when you knocked your secretary up," she interrupted. Her perfectly defined eyebrows were raised as high as they could go. She was dumbfounded.
"It just happened."
"And now we all have to live with the consequences of your actions. Just like we all had to live with the consequences of Mike Ross."
He was hurt. "How can you compare this to that?"
"Because this is down to you and you may not have intended to cause it from the outset, but it's the results of you being an idiot again. Now, you're sure as hell are going to sort it all out."
He almost screamed at her. "Do you not think I've tried?"
Jessica saw something in his reaction which made her anger at him float away. There was sadness there. And there was frustration. "What happened?" she asked gently.
"She doesn't want to know. I … okay … I …" He swallowed hard and closed his eyes as he forced the words to leave his mouth. Those words. "I love her." He spoke with such overwhelming sadness that Jessica had to catch her breath. "But she doesn't want to know. She thinks I'll break her heart."
"Does she love you?"
Harvey nodded his head. "She says she does. She does. I'm sure she does."
"Then you have to do something that you've never done before, Harvey." Jessica looked at him knowing he was such a hopeless idiot, but she cared about him. "You have to fight for her."