THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 13 – The Broken Hearted

It wasn't like she'd run away.

Well at least that's what she'd told herself in the beginning. The day after Harvey's outburst in the conference room she'd told him she needed time and she'd packed up a case and left the city.

A week's rest with her parents up in Cortland had turned into a fortnight. Then the fortnight had turned into a month. She hadn't been away from the city for so long in years and she had put the time to good use. She'd spent quality time with her parents. She'd seen other family members. She'd spent a lot of time with friends and their children – all of them finding it hard to believe that Donna, always the smart, self-assured career-girl, was going to be a single mom.

And then there was her dad. When she'd told him about the baby in the beginning she'd kept the 'Harvey' bit from him, but she could tell he'd been suspicious. This visit, she'd finally confessed and James Paulsen had been livid. There was no love lost between him and Harvey Specter and now the smug, self-righteous son-of-a-bitch who once made out he loved Donna more than he did had got his baby girl pregnant and then abandoned her. No matter how strongly Donna had insisted that her being on her own wasn't down to Harvey, James wouldn't listen because he didn't want to listen. He needed somebody to blame and he relished blaming Harvey.

Neither of Donna's parents wanted her to return to New York. They couldn't bear her being alone and, after all, she'd easy get a job in Cortland and her mom was keen to help look after the baby, but Donna needed to get back to the firm. She missed her friends and she missed Harvey.

X X X

She was nineteen weeks pregnant now – almost half way there – and she was enjoying being pregnant … finally! Compared to those first awful few weeks, the second trimester was a breeze. She had bucket-loads of energy and her hair, which was admittedly always pretty amazing, was now even more so and she took pleasure in brushing and styling her thick, glossier red locks as often as she could. She'd bought some fabulous outfits too (who knew maternity clothes could be so awesome?) and she'd even bought a few baby things. She hadn't used the credit card Harvey had given her. Using that card just didn't feel right.

Donna returned to her apartment on a Sunday and called Rachel to ask if the floating temp Harvey had had in to replace her had screwed up her filing system. Rachel assured her the temp had been under strict orders and everything was just as she'd left it. Rachel had also said she'd told Mike about the baby and he had almost spontaneously combusted with excitement! In fact, it had made his year … the Harvey element in the baby news had made his century! They talked about Mike for a while, laughing at his observations about Harvey's impending fatherhood. Rachel had told her that Harvey had visited Mike a couple of weeks ago and he'd gone to town on him, mercilessly teasing him about Harvey Jnr's mini Tom Ford suits and gel-backed hair. Donna enjoyed hearing all about Mike, but she realised she hadn't seen him since the early days of his imprisonment and she felt guilty. She promised Rachel that she was going to make the effort to go visit him.

She hadn't asked Rachel much about Harvey. Rachel had offered that he'd been fine. Very busy, but fine. That's all she wanted to know. She'd messaged him a few times when she was away – just to check in and let him know how she was. He hadn't responded with anything more than one or two word answers. One time she got a sentence. She had messaged him Sunday morning to say she'd be back. 'OK' was the response. How had it got to this?

To begin with she'd blamed herself. It had taken everything he'd had to finally tell her how he'd felt about her. And she'd mentally ran away. Then, after his outburst in the conference room, she'd physically ran away. She wasn't angry with him because she knew he was hurting. She was very angry with herself, however.

That's why she'd ran. Running had given her time to reflect. It had made her realise that she'd acted through fear initially. Fear had made her give up on the man she'd loved for over a decade at a time when she needed him the most. All of those years of having faith in him and believing he made her world a better place and it had all come to this? She was frightened of losing him. She was frightened she'd already lost him.

She had to make it up to him and she had to tell him she was sorry.

X X X

Donna arrived early at her desk on Monday morning and she bumped into Rachel outside the elevators.

"Oh my god, you look … fantastic." Rachel folded Donna into her arms, admiring her extremely noticeable baby bump.

"Fantastic … not blooming?" Donna laughed as they started to walk along the corridor.

"Oh no, never blooming." Rachel smiled as she repeated part of their conversation from all those weeks ago, when Donna had first discovered she was pregnant.

Donna was used to turning heads, but as she took the long walk from the elevators to her cubicle at the other side of the building all eyes were on her. She was wearing a long-sleeved grey wrap-around Max Mara dress which she knew she looked fabulous in. She knew there'd be gossip and she didn't care. There was no point in letting that bother her.

When they arrived at her desk, Donna's insides groaned. 'Oh no this is all I need', she thought as she saw the silver photo frame containing the picture of herself playing Ophelia in high school lying face down on her desk.

"I guess Louis knows you're back," said Rachel.

"Not again," said Donna wearily. "Does he think I need this shit right now?"

"I was going to tell you on the phone last night. He's been in a foul mood since you left and he isn't speaking to Harvey. Jessica has chewed him out about it over a half dozen times already."

"Shit," said Donna as she held onto the gift which she knew meant so much to Louis. Giving it back to her was his way of telling her he was pissed off. "Right, well, I suppose here goes nothing." She marched off to the other side of the building to tackle a problem she didn't expect she'd be having this morning.

"Good luck," said Rachel anxiously. She knew Louis could be such a dick sometimes!

X X X

Louis looked up from his desk as Donna entered the room, his eyes transfixed momentarily by the size of her bump, before he looked away flustered, faffing about on his computer keyboard.

"What's this?" she said tersely, holding up her photograph.

"What does it look like?" Louis refusing to meet her gaze, his eyes staring blankly at his computer console.

Donna sighed. She really couldn't be bothered with this. "So, are you going to tell me why you're pissed at me, or do I have to guess?"

Louis stopped mindlessly faffing and swung around in his chair to face her. He looked crushed. "You lied to me again."

Donna nodded as she took it in. "Okay … I'm sorry …"

"Save it!" he shouted angrily. "We're not friends, Donna. I find out when you're gone that Rachel knew about you and Harvey and then …" his eyes grew wide as he shook his head in disbelief, "then I find out that Gretchen knew. You told Gretchen the truth, but you lied to me."

"Louis, I really can't deal with this right now." She ran her hand through her hair. There was so much she wanted to say to him, but none of it was pleasant.

"Well you can just go away then and you can take every nice thing you ever did for me with you."

"You know Louis, as much as I love you, there are times like right now when you can be a selfish, narcissistic, thoughtless, moronic … freaking … idiot! Why do you think I lied to you? Put yourself in my place for a moment. Can you even think about anybody but yourself? Can you think about other people's feelings?"

He pursed his lips as she shouted at him, taken aback by her tone of voice. "Then why did you lie?"

"Because I was ashamed!" Tears fell from her eyes as she flung the photograph down on the desk in front of him. "I didn't want you to know, because I was ashamed of myself, Louis."

All of a sudden Louis's face changed. The anger and bitterness he'd been harbouring for the past month melted away as he realised he'd been immersed in his own self-pity for weeks without considering what she might be going through. Donna was right. He had been thinking about himself and he'd allowed his hurt to overwhelm him. And not for the first time.

"Why did you do it?" He picked up the photograph – his photograph – and placed it back into position on his desk.

"Why did I do what? Lie? I've just said …"

"No, why did you sleep with Harvey?"

"What?"

"It's a valid question, Donna. If I'm your friend like you say I am, then you should be able to tell me. You talk about this stuff with Rachel, don't you?"

"That's different, Louis." Why was he asking her something so personal?

"Why is it different? I'm supposed to be your friend. Why did you do it? With him? Again …?"

Donna bristled as Louis glared at her, waiting for her response. "Louis, my dad didn't even ask me this."

"Well I want to know!" he yelled at her, making her jump. "Do you love him?"

"What? Louis I'm not on trial here and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop interrogating me as if I'd done something wrong."

"Then why do you feel ashamed? You said, just now, that you lied to me because you felt ashamed. Was that a lie to? I don't know if I can trust you. I don't know when you're acting and I don't know when you're being real."

Donna sucked in a breath and wrapped her arms protectively around her body. "… Louis …" she pleaded in a whisper.

He just glared at her. He didn't know what to think any more. "You know, when I first found out about your baby and Mitchell apparently abandoning you I wanted to kill him. 'How could he leave you?' I thought, but then …? Then, I was pleased he wasn't around because I thought you were my friend and I wanted to step in and … and do all the dad stuff he should have been doing but was too goddamn spineless to. Stupid isn't it? You see, I love kids, I'm a great uncle already and I wanted to help you. I'd have gone with you to doctor's appointments, I'd have been there if you needed a rest, night feeds, dirty diapers, chicken pox, babysitting. I'd have done anything you asked, but now …?"

"Nothing's changed Louis. You can still do all of those things. I'm going to need all the help I can get. I haven't got a clue about kids and … well night feeds doesn't sound appealing …" She grimaced comically, trying to lighten the mood, but she could tell Louis had been hurt in a way she had never considered.

"Don't you see?" he said, raising his voice again. "Not when it's his kid, I can't!"

"That shouldn't make a difference, Louis." She knew fine well that it did make a difference. In every sense of the word, it made a difference.

"Well it does. It changes everything. He's already said he doesn't want me anywhere near his baby."

"He only said that because he was hurt, Louis … because I'd hurt him."

"You hurt him?" asked Louis in surprise. He expected things the other way around.

Donna knew she'd said too much. "Yes, I did and I can't tell you why, or how, or what I did … but I can tell you that that's why he reacted the way he did in the conference room all those weeks ago. It had nothing to do with you."

Louis's mind whirred as he took in Donna's revelation. For the past few weeks, with her away, he'd been hating and blaming Harvey for what had happened to his team. Pearson Specter Litt was his family and Donna was at the heart of it. With her gone, things weren't the same and it had to be Harvey's fault that she'd left because it always was Harvey's fault. "Maybe I'm asking the wrong person, the wrong question then."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, should I be asking Harvey if he's in love with you?"

Donna didn't respond but Louis could tell by the way she looked at him when she walked out of his office that the answer was yes.

X X X

It was lunch time and Harvey still hadn't shown up at the office. She had checked his calendar hours ago and it was blanked out until 10.30am, but that was all. Was he doing this on purpose? She tutted inwardly as she realised he could be. He was no stranger to petulant behaviour.

She was just about to leave to buy herself a sandwich for lunch when she heard his voice in the distance, chattering away animatedly about … well she couldn't make it out but it was probably about a case. She looked up tentatively as his footsteps approached. She hadn't even thought about the person he was talking to. She supposed it was a client or one of the associates who he'd been working to death ever since Mike had gone to prison.

She didn't imagine for once second that it would be Scottie.

She must have looked surprised when they reached his office, but Harvey didn't even look uncomfortable. Had he done this on purpose? Chosen the very day she'd returned from her parents' to flaunt his ex-girlfriend under her nose?

"Donna," he said greeting her with a smile as he ushered Scottie into his office. Scottie smiled warmly. "Hi Donna," she said as she followed Harvey into the room.

Donna could feel her skin burn with anger. This couldn't be a co-incidence.

She picked up her bag to go out for lunch, walking around her cubicle and strolling confidently down the corridor in full view of the two people inside the glass-walled office.

X X X

Scottie nearly choked on air.

She'd been working a case with Harvey for a week and they'd met for a morning meeting, followed by brunch at a bistro. Why hadn't he mentioned … that?

"Harvey, I think I know the answer here but I have to say it out loud. What the hell happened to Donna?"

"Uhm … oh … she's pregnant," he said flippantly.

"I can see that, Harvey." She turned to him and batted his arm in astonishment. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Harvey shrugged. "It didn't come up."

"What? You mean your best friend and loyal assistant who's worked for you for twelve years is pregnant and you didn't think to bring it up?" she laughed, but there was something in Harvey's eyes that made her realise the situation wasn't a laughing matter.

"So, who's the daddy? It's not Louis, is it?" She was teasing him as she remembered her short stint working at Pearson Specter Litt and how insufferable she'd found Harvey's partner.

Harvey twisting his face in confusion. And disgust. "Why the hell would it be Louis?"

"I'm joking Harvey." Scottie rolled her eyes at him. "Sheesh anyone would think …" She froze as the thought entered her head. She'd asked Donna once if she was in love with Harvey. She'd thought about it a few times since, but Donna had emphatically denied it. Scottie looked into Harvey's eyes. He was averting her gaze and she could sense why in the pit of her stomach. She knew. "Oh no," she mumbled.

Harvey's eyes darted around his office, not knowing what to say. He wasn't a complete bastard. He could lie, but he wouldn't. He couldn't deny … ever … that Donna's baby was also his. It wouldn't be right or fair. It would feel as though he were betraying his own child. He finally locked his eyes with Scottie's in a way that told her she had guessed right.

She clutched her handbag to her chest. "How long?"

"How long, what?"

"How long have you been screwing Donna?" She was wondering if she'd been blaming the wrong person for her split from Harvey all of this time. For two years she thought Mike's secret had torn them apart. Now she was starting to wonder if it had been Donna. How hadn't she spotted it?

"It wasn't like that. We were never together it was just that one time. I'm not lying to you and … well … I haven't done anything wrong, so I have no reason to lie."

Scottie pursed her lips into a thin line, her dark eyes filled with sadness as she realised the man she loved – the man who she'd hoped had been fixed through therapy at the same time as she had – the man she hoped was ready to think about her once more, was now gone forever. Lost to somebody who had been there for him when she couldn't. She felt her heart break as his revelation sank into her chest and she looked to her feet, desperately willing the tears that had formed in her eyes to stay there and not fall.

Harvey took hold of her gently, his arms gripping her shoulders. "Hey, I'm sorry … I … uhm … probably should have told you, but I didn't think it mattered."

"You didn't think it mattered?" Scottie raised her voice as anger surged through her. "We've seen each other every day for a week. You said on Tuesday that you missed me. You said on Thursday that you wished you'd done things differently when we were together. You said on Friday that you wished you'd fought for me. Harvey, seriously? What the hell's the matter with you?"

"I meant all those things I said." He genuinely couldn't see what he'd done wrong.

Scottie folded her arms in front of her. "You told me you wished you'd fought for me in full knowledge that you'd just knocked up your goddamn secretary!" She raised a perfectly defined eyebrow in disbelief at his complete lack of empathy.

Harvey frowned. He understood what he'd done. "I'm sorry, I just saw those two things as separate. What's happened with Donna … well it's complicated and I'm dealing with it. With you? Well I meant that I regretted how we ended, but that didn't mean I wanted to try again."

"No, I realise that now." Scottie rolled her eyes again. How could she have been so stupid?

"So we're good?" said Harvey tentatively.

Scottie rolled her eyes for a third time. "No, we're not good. You're an idiot and you've pissed me off."

"I'm sorry," he said, one side of his mouth twisted into a knot. "And I know I'm an idiot."

She flicked her hair back and blew a short breath of air out of the corner of her mouth. "An idiot who's going to be a dad. I wouldn't have put money on that happening any time soon."

"Neither would I."

"So?"

Harvey shrugged. "So, what?"

"So what are you going to do?"

His face flushed as he tried to hide his disappointment at the way things with Donna had turned out. "I've no idea. Donna has kind of … well … she's been away and I don't know how she wants to play things. I guess I'll find out what she wants me to do when the baby is born."

Scottie gasped. "What?" She couldn't believe their conversation was going down this road, but she couldn't help herself. "Harvey, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say. You're going to be a dad. How do you want to play things? Does Donna even know?"

"Yeah, she knows," said Harvey. Why did everyone assume it was him who wasn't stepping up to the plate?

"And what do you want?"

"I wanted to … try to …"

Scottie's heart sank as she heard him trying to force words he knew she didn't want to hear out of his mouth. "Try to what?"

He inhaled through his nose, his face now red and the veins in his neck pulsing as Scottie's internal camera pointed straight at him. "Look, I … uhm … well I wanted to try to make things work with her."

"You … did?" Scottie swallowed her sorrow hard, but remaining composed. "You know Harvey, I once asked Donna if she was in love with you. It was years ago, before we were even together. Anyway, she'd said no but I didn't completely believe her. What I never … and I mean never … expected to hear was that you were in love with her. I never stood a chance, did I?"

His eyes ballooned with the words he didn't ever expect Scottie to say. He didn't bother to deny it. He was in love with Donna. He didn't know if he'd always been in love with Donna, but he sure as hell knew he was now and he didn't like it because it hurt. "It doesn't matter what I want, Scottie, because that's not what Donna wants."

"How do you know?"

"Because I was listening to her when she told me."

Scottie rolled her eyes yet again. "You are an idiot, Harvey. You should have learned. If you want her, you have to fight for her."

He thought back to Jessica's friendly word in his ear a few weeks ago. "You're the second person who's told me that."

"Well, you need to listen, and on that note, it's time I got back to my firm. They'll be wondering where I am." She picked up her bag and flung her jacket over her arm, then she turned to look at him one more time, sadness still etched all over her face. "I hope you get what you want, Harvey. You deserve to be happy."

"Thank you," he said as he watched her leave. They'd finished their case, working out a deal between them earlier in the morning. He didn't know when he'd see her again.