THE BEST PART OF ME

CHAPTER 17 – Brick by Brick

Thank you all for your patience! All back after a lovely week's holiday camping in France with the family.

Before I continue this story I'd just like to thank everyone who has given me reviews, follows and favourites thus far. I only started writing fanfic in February and I'm finding it so much fun to be able to share what I write with you all. I'm sure I'm not taking this as seriously as I could – I just write what I think is 'fitting' to the characters as I understand them and I write to please myself in the hope that this trickles down and pleases others too. In just three short months I've had almost 650 reviews which is AMAZING for this particular fandom, and I find all the follows and favourites encouraging too. I didn't expect anything like this response, so a massive heartfelt thank you to everyone who has supported me and spurred me on.

I write fanfics purely for enjoyment and for writing practice as my "real-life job" involves a lot of very serious writing! Reviews are so useful and when it comes to criticism, please feel free to offer that too. I have run successful businesses for over 15 years and I approach criticism as follows: A) If it's fair then it is useful and I'm grateful for it. We should all be aware that we have a lot to learn! B) If the criticism is unfair then I ignore it and it's gone from my mind. It really is as simple as that! ;)

Peace and love, everybody! xxx

X X X

"So what do you think?"

Donna stood in the pristine apartment building that Harvey had purchased for her and the baby. If she were honest, it wasn't 100% her style, but furnishings and colour schemes could easily be changed later. Functionally, the apartment had everything she needed – two good sized bedrooms, a lovely kitchen and a great living area which had an offshoot she already figured could double as a playroom. It was more than perfect, yet she still felt a little uneasy. She had always been independent, relying on herself for everything. She loved Harvey, but she didn't want to feel beholden to him and a home was a huge gift.

"It's perfect for what we'll need. I think it will work out great." Her voice was laced with just enough gratitude and optimism that she hoped she'd hidden her doubts.

Harvey's eyes squinted as he did his best to analyse her facial expressions. "There's something else. What is it?" He knew a poker face when he saw one.

Donna sighed and rested against the white kitchen counters that mirrored Harvey's own fixtures thirty floors up in the same building. "I just can't get used to you buying this all for me, that's all. I've always looked after myself."

Harvey nodded his head as he processed what she was telling him. "Okay, sure I get that."

"You do?"

"Yeah, of course I do." He stood next to her and smiled understandingly, his eyes telling her that he wanted to do everything he could to make sure she was comfortable. "How about I put this place in the baby's name like I said before. You can keep your own place going and rent it out so you're not giving anything up."

Suddenly an idea came to her and her eyes sparked with excitement. "Hey, I could pay you my rent money to make up for what this place cost!"

"Donna, I don't need that money, you just keep it. Save it up if you have to." He watched as her positive energy floated away as quickly as it had appeared and the penny dropped. "Okay, yeah sure, that would help pay the mortgage on this. Whatever you think, but I don't want you to feel like this is me throwing money at a problem because it isn't. I mean, I don't want you to worry about anything and that's one of the reasons I did this, but I have what I have because of you anyway. I'm only giving you back what you gave to me in the first place."

She knew he was being sincere even if she didn't completely feel as intrinsic to his success as he thought she was. 'I don't want to know what kind of lawyer I'd be without you.' He had always been semi-dependent on her for her guidance and her support and for keeping him in check whenever he threatened to do something dumb. They had built 'his' lifestyle together and they had – almost – destroyed it together when he took on Mike and she kept his secret. They were a team, unified and equal in the highs as well as the lows. "I'd be really happy if we did it this way."

"Then, that's fine with me. Whatever makes you happy."

"Thank you, Harvey."

He grinned at her acceptance. He was pleased he could do this for her. He wished he could do more, but he knew it was going to take one small step at a time. He was fighting and he wouldn't stop fighting, but at the same time these waters he was about to swim in were so strange. He had lost control of his life. He wanted to get control back, but he didn't know where to start. He hoped that, piece by piece, he could do both. Fighting for what he wanted and reclaiming control at the same time.

There had been silence while he had been contemplating their future and Donna had noticed him drifting into thought, his mind absent from her presence. "What are you thinking, Harvey?"

Her question brought him out of his daydream. He didn't know how to express his feelings of course. He didn't want to reveal his worries either, but he was learning that his was what she needed from him. She needed the walls to come down and he knew he'd have to remove every inch of his self-built layer of protection brick by brick if he was going to have a chance of making things work with her.

He walked closer to her and took hold of her hand, his thumb moving tenderly over her skin as he waited for the words to come. "I want to get this right so badly that I'm constantly shitting myself that I'm going to screw up. It's like I'm second guessing everything I say to you."

She squeezed his hand reassuringly. Harvey Specter had the heart of a lion in his own world, yet once he was pulled away from the comfort of legal affairs and into a world revolving around affairs of the heart he morphed helplessly into a lamb waiting for slaughter. This contradiction had been one of the things which had made her fall in love with him. She had seen through the bravado and the cockiness from day one and she had 'got him' like nobody else ever had. "Harvey, I know you. From the second I met you I knew who you were. I know what's in your heart and that's why we work. I don't want to change who you are because who you are is the person I want you to be. If I wanted hearts and flowers and fluffiness then I'd be standing here talking to somebody else."

He creased his brow in confusion. "Hey, I can do hearts and flowers." Then he twisted his bottom lip. "I'll give you the fluffiness though," he said with a chuckle.

She giggled at him. "Harvey, I'm Donna, and I know you. I know you inside and out. Don't ever try to be somebody you're not because I … well, I love you just the way you are and I always have." She found herself faltering on the 'love' word herself, but he didn't bristle or pull away or look uncomfortable, instead, he smiled and he held her hand even tighter so she continued. "The only thing I need you to do is tell me how you feel and not run away from me. You have so much courage in everything you do outside of your relationships. I want you to have courage with me too."

He sighed because he knew this was something he didn't have. "I think I'm going to need time to find that type of courage. And some help."

"You could always find yourself a scarecrow and a tin man to help."

Harvey snorted a small laugh. "I don't think a courage badge pinned to my chest would be convincing."

She smiled. "You'll get there, Harvey. I know you will."

"You mean, 'I'll get there if you get me there'."

"Well, maybe," she said with a wink. "But it doesn't matter how you get there as long as we get there in the end." She picked up her bag and swung her coat over her arm. "Now, I think we should be getting back to the office."

Harvey nodded and started to follow her but there was something else he wanted to say. It was something he had wanted to ask for some time but he had been afraid. This was the time. The first of many bricks he needed to take down.

Donna had noticed he was lost in thought again. She looked at him, her eyes pleading with him to tell her what was on his mind.

"Can I ask you one last thing?" he said finally. His eyes were low, not meeting hers.

"You can ask me anything, Harvey."

He looked up forcing himself to see her and he inhaled deeply. "Do you regret what we did that night in the office? Do you regret it took the result of that to get us here?"

"What do you mean?" Her voice was serious, but there was a trace of vulnerability in her tone.

Harvey knew he'd have to choose his words carefully, but he also knew with certainty that she wanted him to be straight with her. "I mean if it wasn't for what we did that night Mike went to prison and the fact that our baby … our daughter … was the result, would we ever have gotten to where we are?"

His question had validity because she had wondered the same. "I don't know, Harvey. We wouldn't be where we are by this timeframe I guess, but does it really matter? I don't deal in 'if's' Harvey. We can't go back and change what's happened."

"Would you want to change it if you could?"

"What? No!" Donna gasped in shock at what he was asking her. "Harvey, I'm forty years old and if this hadn't happened to me now it may never have happened. I love our baby and I wouldn't have wanted to make her with anybody else but you."

"You mean that?"

How didn't he know? How could she make him believe in himself? "Harvey, I can't believe you're asking me this. You know I love you, right?"

His face flushed as he struggled to meet her gaze. The view from the apartment window gave him something to concentrate on as his thoughts took up arms inside his head and fought against one another – insecurity on one side, fear on the other.

"Harvey. Speak to me!"

He couldn't help his eyes glazing over and he hated what that signified. Weakness. This was what it meant to be weak and Dr. Agard had been wrong, caring didn't make him strong. It felt ugly and it felt strange and he didn't like it one bit. "I believe you love me."

"You 'believe' I love you? Harvey, you're confusing the hell out of me here. Please tell me you 'know' I love you."

"Yeah, I do, that's what I meant … I …" He looked to his feet, tapping the sole of one of his shoes on the polished floorboards. "I just don't know why. I have never known why."

Donna gulped as she realised just how vulnerable this man who she had loved for so long truly was. Of course she knew that he had struggled to express his emotions all of his adult life and had never had a long term loving relationship, but how could he not know his own worth? This was a man who could close any deal with an opposing litigator or negotiate a killer contract with a client without either knowing what had hit them until it was too late. She had helped build that dynamic person who won every battle he fought. Now she would have to help build a different kind of person and this brand of self-confident Harvey Specter was going to be even more challenging.

"Harvey, I have spent twelve years of my life by your side. Does that not tell you something?"

"Yes and no. It's just you've never told me … why …?"

She sighed. It was true. She hadn't told him why. "I've just always loved you, Harvey. I love who you are. I've never thought about the reasons why. In the beginning I loved that you were so smart and funny and you made me laugh. I loved being with you every day, watching you win, watching you work, watching you fight for people you cared about. But then it became more than that. I loved how you spoke, how you moved, how you looked at me … I loved everything about you and … well, we're one hell of a team."

A smile tweaked both sides of his mouth. "We sure are a great team," he said. "It's just I didn't know how you felt about me and I wish you'd told me."

"You weren't ready back then, Harvey. And I have told you this already. I just convinced myself that I had to take what you were capable of giving to me and I enjoyed every day of that. Until last year when you … when I left to work for Louis."

"I understand why you did that now."

"You do?"

"Yeah. I was an asshole."

She couldn't help but giggle at what he called himself. If she could say one thing about him, he was sure as hell honest. "I just couldn't take the battering anymore, Harvey. I couldn't go on as if nothing had happened. Not after you told me you loved me."

"Me saying that surprised me just as much as it did you. I mean, I was telling you the truth. I knew I loved you, but I didn't know myself what that meant. This sounds like bullshit and I know it does, but I truly didn't know how I felt and I had absolutely no idea how you felt. Not for certain. Looking back, I probably should have guessed and maybe I shot any inkling I had down in flames because it was easier that way. You were only partly right when you told me 'I had everything' because I thought I did have everything at the time. I had you there by my side every day. But, Jesus, you were also so wrong. I didn't have everything because I was too goddamn stupid to realise I could have had much more."

"Did you ever want more?"

His eyes snapped up and he met her gaze. She was watching him intently. "Donna, I'm a man who likes sex, of course I wanted more. I always wanted more, but with you I knew it was different. You weren't ever just someone for me to sleep with or someone I would try to have a relationship with and not give a shit if it failed. You mattered too much and you were far better than … than anybody. You deserved something I didn't think I could give you and if I'm honest, I still don't know if I can give you what you deserve and the fear … the agonising fear of me not being good enough is crippling. It feels like I'm paralysed and even though every impulse in my body is telling me to run, I can't. I'm frozen because I'm fighting and I'm fighting because I want you. I want to make this work. I can't lose you … I just … can't."

His voice broke and he had to take a sharp intake of breath to steady himself. He felt like shit, but he had opened up to her and right now he knew that that mattered more than appearing fragile in front of her.

And then he felt her arms around him.

Her strength making him strong and his weakness drifting away.

"You will never lose me." Her words were unyielding and her voice was determined. He felt her angle herself to draw him in closer and her baby bump pressed into his abdomen. He relaxed at the weight and warmth offered by her body and he nuzzled into her neck. She always smelled so fresh and clean – the citrus of her shampoo mixed with the airy summer scent of her perfume.

She withdrew after a time and he brought her back in and kissed her. It was a different kiss than ever before. The fun, sexually charged kisses they shared during the other time twelve years ago were so much more, but so much less than this kiss. The passionate kisses they'd shared during that night in their office when they were both drunk, stoned and not having a clue what they were doing were also less than this kiss.

This kiss came from deep within Harvey Specter's soul, consuming Donna Paulsen in a way that she had never felt from him before. With the touch of his mouth on hers she could now taste his fear as it combined with the strength of his love for her. The pressure of his tongue entering her mouth told her that he was sure of what he wanted and he wasn't going to run away ever again.

As he held her tight in his arms she felt her own fear float away. He was going to be able to do this. He was going to be the man she always knew he could be and she would help him every step of the way.

"We really should be getting back to the office," he whispered finally as he stroked her hair.

"Yeah, we should," she mumbled into his throat as she reluctantly pulled away from the completeness of his embrace.

"Dinner tonight?"

"Yeah," she said with a smile. "Your place or mine?"

"You don't want to go out?"

"No, I want you to hold me and kiss me like you've just done all night long."

Harvey grinned widely and raised an eyebrow. "If that happens we might not get to eat."

"I'm not suggesting we bring out the whipped cream, Harvey," she joked, rolling her eyes.

He pouted comically. "Oh, why not?"

She batted his shoulder. "Come on, let's get back before Jessica wonders if we've jumped ship too."

They moved towards the door and she turned to face him before they exited back to the world of work.

"Your place and you bring the whipped cream this time."