Sorry for that brief intermission; I have returned.
Did you miss me? (Shout out to any BBC Sherlock fans out there)
"It feels strange being back here, don't you think?" I ask as I sit at the table with Peeta, Effie and Haymitch. Annie and Finnick had retired to the back compartment of the train and Johanna had gone to bed, mumbling something about not being able to handle another trip like this.
We were all better dressed than we had been on the way to the games; even Effie had changed. She'd stopped wearing her ridiculous wigs, the ones that were so popular in the capitol, and had let her real hair grow out. It took a while to get used to it but her mousey brown hair looks so much nicer than those silly wigs.
"It sure as hell makes me want to drink" Haymitch nods, eying the space where the liquor cart used to be; I have a feeling that Effie moved it. Effie had decided, right at the last minute, that she'd come and leave the kids with Gale's mother; I think that she was worried that Haymitch might start drinking again if she wasn't there to watch him; of course, she said that she wanted to be there because she missed her wigs and wanted to buy more but we all knew, including Haymitch, that she still had a box full of them in the attic of their house.
Effie shakes her head "I just can't believe that you two defied all the odds and survived not one but two games." She looks at Peeta and I as though she loved us like her own "when I heard President Snow read out the card…my heart dropped and that-" she took a deep breath as the memory threatened to drown her "that was when the games stopped being a form of entertainment for me. I look back on it now and feel sick at the fact that I used to enjoy them."
She presses a hand to her mouth as though she really was trying not to be sick but Haymitch jumps in to comfort her. "Don't worry, Sweetheart, you didn't know any better." He says but I'm not sure that this does much of a job for her guilt.
"Honestly, Effie" I lean forward and take the hand that's on the table "Peeta and I don't hold anything against you."
Peeta nods "we don't; it's your present opinions that matter to us now, not your past."
"Thank you" she smiles tearfully before sniffing and standing up "well, I'm going to get some sleep; the train is going to stop for fuel sometime in the morning and I'd like to stretch my legs a little. Excuse me."
Haymitch watches her leave with that same crooked grin on his face he only ever reserved for Effie. "Effie is an amazing woman" he sighs "I love everything about her but I will never get over the fact that she can lure me to bed just by swinging her hips." He chuckles to himself before saluting us and following his wife to bed.
"He's like a teenager" I roll my eyes but smile at my husband "but I'm glad that he's happy. Are you wanting to go to bed any time soon?"
He shakes his head "no. I'm still trying to remind myself why we're on this train."
I nod in understanding. I'd been on this train before, when Effie dragged me and Johanna to the Capitol to do some shopping but it felt different and I was struggling to remind myself that we weren't on our way to face death again…or maybe we were; either way, I was getting some very vivid flashbacks. "Me too" I say.
We sit in silence for a little bit, buried in our own thoughts, before Peeta breaks the silence. "Katniss, I've been thinking-"
"Peeta, what have I told you about doing that?" I ask in jest "bad things happen when you use your brain."
He grins at me, showing me that he understands the joke, before continuing "when we get back to twelve, what would you say about trying for another baby? I'd…" he pauses, shifting a little where he was sat "I'd really like a girl."
"You can't pick and choose what it'll be" I remind him "they come out as they are."
"Well I know that" he tells me, rolling his eyes "but there's no harm in trying, is there?"
"None at all" I smile in agreement; I'd been thinking about this for a while, actually. A little girl would really be a blessing in a houseful of boys and I know that Peeta would absolutely dote on her.
"So you're saying yes?" He asks in surprise "no fight?"
"Peeta" I sigh "I don't know why you think I'm always going to fight you when it comes to having more children."
"You used to be so against having them."
"used being the operative word" I say "when the games were still a yearly occurrence, yes, I was against having children but now not so much but I do want to wait until Mo's out of diapers." Our youngest son is fighting potty training right now, Reed was so much easier, but Mo doesn't seem to mind sitting in his own excrement. No matter how hard we try, he just doesn't seem to want to co-operate. Hopefully my mother will have some kind of magic influence on him so that, by the time we return, he'll finally be completely dry.
Peeta nods "boy or girl, Katniss, I will love them all the same."
Instead of having my usual nightmares of the games or of Capitol produced Mutts, the ones I'd expect to have on a train to the Capitol, I dream of my sons but they look older, school age; with them is a tiny girl of maybe two or three, and they're playing with her, teasing her but they're not being cruel. Peeta and I are watching them from the front steps of our home; I turn to look at him, noting that he's watching the three, ready to jump in at any second if they start getting too rough but I know my boys and I know that, with this child, they would be careful.
It was curious watching them; yes, they were playing with her but they were doing it in a way that showed how protective they were of her. They stopped teasing her before she could get frustrated and start crying and they never shoved her hard enough so that she'd fall but it didn't make sense. Why were they being this careful over this child? Who was she to them?
My question was answered the moment the little girl turned around and grinned at Peeta and I. She had her father's beautiful blue eyes and light coloured hair which is tied in a small braid and her mother's olive skin and tough demeanour. She was ours, she was the daughter both Peeta and I dreamed of having and it made me want her just that much more.
Johanna was already in the dining car when Peeta and I made our way in for breakfast; she looked a little odd and she definitely hadn't slept. "My fifth cup of coffee" she comments, staring at us.
"Didn't you sleep at all?" Asks Peeta.
She shrugs "maybe, it's hard to differentiate between dreams and reality when I'm on this damn train." And then she mutters something that sounds like "I wish Gale had come with us."
I understood, of course I did; I know that, without Peeta here, I would feel exactly the same. It showed me just how much Gale had helped her over the past few years but I didn't know what to say to her. "It'll be ok" Peeta says to her "we'll be off it soon enough and in the Capitol."
"Like that's any better" she mumbles.
"At least we'll be able to see what's actually going on" I say, helping myself to some toast just as Effie and Haymitch roll in looking very rested.
"What's on the menu then?" Haymitch asks before spotting a platter of scrambled eggs "ooh, eggs!" He states, helping himself to a serving that was big enough to serve four people.
Effie frowns at her husband before sitting down beside him and pouring herself a cup of tea. "How are you two this morning?" She asks us "you were up rather late."
"We're fine" Peeta nods "Johanna didn't sleep though."
Johanna glares at Peeta as though he's just revealed an embarrassing secret before draining the rest of the coffee from her mug and getting up "no, I didn't and, on that note, I'm going to bed." Neither Peeta or I mention the fact that she was so wired on caffeine that sleep would probably evade her for a good few hours.
"I'm beginning to think that Jo's return to the Capitol might be hazardous to her health" Haymitch sighs, taking a break from shovelling down eggs as he watched her leave.
"Maybe we should try and get Gale to join us?" Peeta suggests "he seems to be able to comfort her or at least know what to do and how to deal with her."
"I'll call him later" Haymitch nods "let him decide what he wants to do."
"She's the only one here who hasn't got the moral support of her partner" I say, feeling a little bad for her. "I honestly don't know how I'd be without Peeta."
Haymitch nods "Effie's keeping me sober."
"That's why I came" she tells him, patting his hand before kissing him fondly "keep you out of trouble."
"What are we talking about?" Finnick asks as he and Annie walk in, hand in hand, and join us at the table.
"Johanna isn't coping very well" Peeta tells him "we were just discussing what to do."
Finnick frowns before looking to Annie; after a moment or so, she nods. I watch them curiously; it's strange to think that the two of them can communicate by just looking at each other but, at the same time, Peeta and I do the same. I guess it's just a strange thing to witness. "I'll go and see her" he states "Gale came to see us last night, because I was closer to her than most of the other's, and asked me to keep an eye out. He figured that this might happen, he actually wanted to come along but, with the kids, we told him that we'd be able to deal with it."
"And how are you going to do that?" I ask.
"Distraction" Finnick shrugs "she's very competitive, I'll suggest a card game or something."
"Well, have fun with that" I snort, knowing just how competitive Johanna could be "but I don't want to lose an eye so I'll be watching…from the last car."
About an hour or so after breakfast the train stopped to fill up for fuel which meant that we were about halfway and that we would arrive in the Capitol tomorrow evening; Peeta and I, along with Haymitch and Effie, took the opportunity to get off and grab some fresh air but they went one way whilst we went the other.
"It's funny" I say to Peeta as we choose a grassy spot and sit down in the sun "before the games, the first one we were in, I never imagined having this kind of life for myself; I was against having children, I was angry at my mother, worried about Prim and confused over Gale…now everything is laid out for me just because of some stupid berries. A lot of people died because of what I did in that arena, Peeta" I sigh, a fact that I still struggle with.
"But a lot more people survived" he tells me "the deaths of those people were not in vain, Katniss; they didn't die for nothing because we won. There's no more Snow, no more games…we're free and that's because of you and those berries. There's no gain without loss, Baby" he states softly "things have to get worse before they get better and things are a lot better now." Peeta moves closer to me and uses his forefinger to tilt my head up so that I am looking at him before placing his hands on my knees. "I love you, Katniss, and, as selfish as this may be, we would not be here if it hadn't been for Snow and the games so I don't regret anything. I am sorry for the deaths and the upset that the rebellion caused but I'm not sorry about the outcome. We are now free to live our lives as we want, no more fear and no more hunger. How could I ever resent that?"
I stare at the man before me and smile; he had lost his family, he had lost more than I had and yet he was happy so how could I not be too? I still had Prim, mom and most everyone else I ever cared about; in fact, I think I came out of the rebellion better off than anyone else. "You can't" I finally say. "You always know how to make me see the good in things, Peeta; the good in myself and the good in my actions even when I look and come up empty. You always know what to say to make me feel better."
"Well, isn't that my job?" He asks "as your husband? I vaguely remember vowing to 'make Katniss open her eyes so that she doesn't wallow in self-pity.'"
"Watch it, husband" I laugh "I'm not afraid to slap you, you know."
"Ok" Peeta chuckles "just don't be surprised if I hit you back" he pauses for a moment before shaking his head. "Ah" he sighs "I could never hit you, not even as a joke; even suggesting it makes me feel bad."
"My poor besotted husband" I grin, getting up and pulling him with me. "I love you, you're a pansy but I love you. Come on, let's get back; I want to get in a nap before lunch."
Peeta nods, taking my hand, before asking "are you feeling ok?"
"I'm just tired, Peeta; stop worrying about me." I say "we went to bed late and got up early, remember? Plus, I miss the boys."
"Worrying about you is a full time occupation, Katniss" he reminds me "I can't just turn it off. Would you like me to come with you? I could do with a nap actually; we could get Haymitch to wake us before lunch and" he sighs, squeezing my hand "I miss them too but they're with your mom and Cinna; they'll be having so much fun playing with Cinna that they probably won't even miss us."
"Hey!" I nudge him "don't say that."
Peeta just laughs as we climb back onto the train. "I'll meet you in bed, I'll just go and let Haymitch know where we are."
I was more or less asleep by the time my head hit the pillow but I do remember Peeta coming in and climbing into the bed beside me. I move to let him wrap himself around me before I drift off into a deep sleep, dreaming about the daughter that could be.