Hello readers! First off I want to apologise to those of you who have reviewed that I didn't reply to. Something seems to be wonky with FF right now and so even though I'm getting your reviews in my inbox, they aren't visible on the website. I'm very grateful for them though and hope the problem is resolved soon! Anyway, hope those of you that are reading enjoy where the story is going still. Feel free to let me know one way or the other. Have a great week!

Raven's POV

Thanksgiving passes by in a blur. Raven works a morning shift at the grocery store and a double at the hospital. Holiday pay was not to be ignored. She buys a turkey bowl from the local gas station and practises the Thanksgiving rituals by being thankful when she doesn't contract food poisoning from it.

The weekend after the holiday Octavia tracks Raven down during her Saturday morning shift at the store, begging her to come stay the night. "My mom peaced out for some vacation package with her boyfriend and Bellamy has to take off for a work thing," she explains, bagging for Raven to keep her from getting in trouble. Thankfully the asshole manager didn't work weekends anyway. "Please don't leave me all alone for the weekend." She pouts her lower lip like a child.

"What about Lincoln?" Raven asks as she swipes a series of yoghurts across the scanner. It wasn't that she didn't want to spend the night at Octavia's necessarily, but she hadn't done the whole slumber party thing in a while, especially not since her leg injury. It was uncomfortable taking her brace off in front of people, letting them see how useless the limb really was. Besides, this would be her first Saturday night off in over a month. She'd had plans to sleep.

Octavia sighs. "He has to work overnight at the hospital, but even if he didn't I'd still want you to come over." Raven doesn't entirely believe it, but she wasn't going to argue. "We haven't had any girl time since you were practically a freshman!" Before Clarke came into their lives, before her knee got fucked up, before everything with Finn went down. There were reasons their hang out times had been limited since.

"I guess so…" she finally consents, more of a resigned mumble than an actual agreement.

"Yay!" Octavia shouts, abandoning her bagging duties to throw her arms around Raven. "It's going to be fun, I swear."

"Octavia," she reprimands, shrugging her off. "I'm working." The girl apologises quietly but gives Raven another small hug before stepping away. Raven smiles apologetically to the man in front of her, trying to make quick work of the rest of his groceries.

"See you tonight!" Octavia shouts as she exits the grocery store.

Damn it, she tries not to curse at the idea. Octavia was her friend; they'd been practically best friends through all of middle school. As close to best friends as Raven allotted at least. She was the one person she'd had when things started going to shit with Finn and it was Raven that Octavia first came to when admitting to her growing problem. Raven would make the best of this. Besides, it might be a relief to spend time with someone other than herself.

She goes home and showers and gathers her belongings. She leaves her work check on the table for her mom along with a note. Her mom didn't tend to ask about Raven's whereabouts, but every so often she would worry when she woke up in the middle of the night and her daughter was just gone. Once she'd even called the police who at least had enough damn sense to try her cell phone. But still, she tried to avoid her mother's worries.

It got dark early now, so Raven left before five with hopes of reaching Octavia's before the sun completely set over Newark. Wick's intense concern last weekend had made her rethink a thing or two. Maybe a small part of her did have a death wish, but at the very least she could try and act like she didn't. For the sake of everyone else.

Though she tried to make it a point not to think about stupid Wick with his stupid facial hair and annoying comments, sometimes she had to allot herself a short bit of time to consider him. Be it his intentions or his mannerisms or whatever. There were still a few questions which enshrouded him and Raven liked answers.

He hadn't been around since that night at the restaurant, since the night when she'd been stupid and led him straight to her shack of a house per his insistence. Though she knew his radio silence wasn't connected to her poor living conditions, it still felt that way.

A week and a half wasn't even that long, but after his near constant presence over the previous days, it was an uncomfortable difference.

The road to Octavia's lacked a decent shoulder. The terrain was hard for her leg to conquer so she focuses on each step, using the dying light to guide her way. She doesn't notice the car pulling over next to her until a window begins rolling down. Her heart jumps into her throat at the realisation. "Get in the car, I'll drive you the rest of the way." It's Bellamy.

She doesn't hesitate as he's still in the middle of the road and she's still a little high on the relief coursing through her. Thank god it's just Bellamy. "Aren't you going to be late?" she asks as he makes a U-turn to go back to where he came from.

"Ten minutes isn't going to make or break anyone," he grunts though she does notice how he drives a little over the speed limit through the neighbourhood. "You should have told my sister to pick you up."

"I like the exercise," she retorts and neither of them says anymore on the matter. He pulls into the driveway a moment later and she hurries to get out. "Have fun this weekend," she taunts and he mumbles something that sounds like 'as if' as she shuts the car door.

Every time this happened she felt stupid. People stopping their cars and picking her up or insisting on giving her a ride home. She was a mechanic for Christ's sake. Maybe she ought to be building a car instead of rocket. Oh well, she'd have to start that next.

Her fist raises up to knock on the door but Octavia swings it open before she's made contact with the wood. "Bellamy called and said he'd just dropped you off," Octavia says by way of explanation of her seemingly psychic door answering. "I'm glad you made it!" She steps aside to let Raven in, taking her bag from her.

The aroma of the house immediately set Raven's stomach rumbling. She could pin point the scent of pizza anywhere. "Me too," she says, attempting to smile graciously. She was relieved to be led through to the living room and find the whole area taken over with various sleep over supplies, blankets and pillows included. She could make her way up and down the stairs to Octavia's room if necessary, but it wasn't a pretty sight. Therefore she generally avoided all stairs at all costs. "Quite the set up," she comments.

"I know, Bellamy said I got carried away but…" she fades out, biting her lip. "Well ever since stuff went down last year I feel like I haven't been able to just…have a good time with friends."

"As if you and Lincoln don't have a good time," Raven teases with a wink which results in a light shove and giggling. "I know what you mean, though. It's good to have you back, O." Her time away was a touchy subject; Raven did what she could to avoid it in the same way that her friends avoided mentioning her leg.

She grins wide and toothy. "It's good to be back. Though I didn't miss school," she complains, shooting her textbooks in the corner a look. Had she of not had her setback Octavia would have graduated last spring with Clarke. Now she was stuck repeating her senior year. "But I'm not even thinking about that tonight. What do you want to do first?"

Raven only needs to contemplate the question for a second. "Eat."

Sometime late into the night both girls are spread out in the living room, properly gorged on junk food and already having critiqued three different episodes of Say Yes to the Dress. Octavia flips the TV off and lays her head a fraction of an inch from Raven's. The room is dark and for a moment everything is completely still.

"Talk to me," Octavia whispers after just a minute.

"Do you want a story, an anecdote, maybe a limerick or-"

"No, Raven," she interrupts before she can carry on any further. She reaches her hand down and grabs Raven, squeezing firmly. "I know it's different for you now, with Finn gone. You can talk to me instead if you need to."

For a minute Raven just soaks in the words and the contact, squeezing Octavia's hand back firmly before letting go. "Thanks, O. I appreciate that." But she says nothing else.

"Is there anyone else you think you might ever love as much as him?" Octavia had already checked out when the drama had started going down. She wasn't firmly there for his death either. She'd missed the slow fade away and then the final goodbye, too lost in her own induced state of trying to be okay to truly be present. Raven tried to think she didn't resent her. Having Octavia bring him up now makes her realise she does.

It isn't a question that she answers easily, though it is one she'd considered many times in the past. The hurt was still so real and raw with the realisation that she wouldn't be loving him anymore. "I don't know." It's the only answer she's ever come up with. "I loved him so…deeply. With how we grew up together and…everything he did for me. I don't know that even if I loved someone else in the same quantity if it would be in the same quality. You know?"

Now Octavia takes her time to answer, the darkness holding their whispered voices like a secret. "I guess I do. I never fully understood you and Finn, to be honest, but I know you both were dedicated to each other. Even when the love ran out…you were both committed in your own ways."

Maybe that was true, though Finn's commitment seemed utterly small in retrospect, at least by the end. "I guess."

"Hey Raven," she says after several minutes of silence. Raven had begun to wonder if she'd fallen asleep.

"Yeah?"

"You do know…" she pauses and Raven can hear her changing positions. "Even though Finn's life ended that doesn't mean you're obligated to spend the rest of yours miserable." It's something she's wondered a thousand times in the last few months. A question she's never felt certain in the answer, one way or the other. "You still deserve happiness."

Perhaps she should respond, but it's too hard to talk around the lump in her throat.

"Okay, easier question," Octavia declares, turning on her side and propping her head up with her hand. "Is there anyone you like?" she giggles like their twelve years old with Disney Channel playing in the background and nail polish half dried on their toes.

"No," she answers automatically. But that damn engineer's taunting face pops in her head and she curses him for the intrusion. "Maybe."

"I knew it!" she squeals, bolting up before being pulled back down with a harsh yank from Raven. "It's moustache guy, isn't it?"

"Ugh, I hate it when he doesn't shave," she complains.

"I think it looks pretty good on him," O chimes in. "So it is him then?" It's a loaded question, one that Raven kind of hates. She hadn't even managed to admit this to herself, let alone to her friend.

She takes a deep breath and forces out the word, "Maybe," when she releases it. Octavia is already beginning to freak out when Raven puts an abrupt end to it. "But it's not going anywhere. It doesn't mean anything."

"Why the hell not?" she demands, furrowing her brow. She's so close that Raven keeps getting little puffs of pizza and chocolate breath. She scrunches her nose in response.

"He's annoying, like extra annoying, and he does that thing that guys do where they try to take care of you like your some delicate flower," she grumbles out the last bit, irritated just mentioning it. "You know I hate shit like that."

"All valid points, Raven," she answers, her words slow and considered. "But, and hear me out on this one, he looks at you not just like he's worried about you but also…"

"Also?" she prompts after Octavia's been silent for almost a full minute.

She doesn't respond immediately but after a few more silent and heavy seconds she says. "I don't know, it just reminds me of the way Lincoln looked at me when we were in group together and stuff. At first I was worried that he was judging me or thinking he knew what was best for me, but looking back I know he was actually just looking at me because he liked me. He liked me, but he thought I hated him. So he just stoically stared, maybe hoping I would warm up to him but also maybe just looking while he had the chance."

It's a beautiful notion, at least for Octavia and Lincoln. Raven didn't quite subscribe to it. "It sounds like he really cares about you." She deflects instead.

Octavia turns over and flops onto her back, a happy sigh slipping past her lips. "Yeah," she says the joy evident in that single word.

"Have you guys done the deed yet?" Raven asks, no hesitation. Octavia reaches out blindly to smack her which causes giggles from both of them.

"Maybe," she says through her laughter. "Okay yes."

"And?" Raven prompts. It was silly and maybe a little bit childish, but lying here on the living room floor snuggled beneath a red and pink Hello Kitty blanket helped remind her that she wasn't meant to be grown yet. She was seventeen years old and who better to remember that with than one of her oldest friends?"

At first Octavia doesn't answer, going from silly to serious in a moment as she thinks through her answer. "It's like someone is saying they love you without any words at all."

"And like they're worshipping your body in every way possible."

"Flaws or not," she finishes, a wide smile in place once again. "The orgasm is pretty nice too," she tacks on which leads to another round of laughter.

It wasn't just the sex Raven missed, though she did find she missed that, but also that connection Octavia had explained. Being wholly someone's and they being entirely yours, it was a feeling that had been forgotten until being dredged out and brought back to mind.

"I'm glad you found him," Raven whispers after another minute.

"Thanks," Octavia says, leaning in to kiss Raven's cheek. "I hope you let someone find you too." She rolls over and falls asleep in mere minutes, leaving Raven to lay there and contemplate her words.

Sunday she goes home to find the place in total wreckage. Dishes everywhere, plates shattered and pieces of mugs crunching beneath Raven's shoes as she walks inside. The sight makes her shoulders fall in disappointment. It was as though someone unplugged the hole in her heart, letting out the air of hope all over again and leaving her feeling heavy and run down.

She tries not to dwell on those feelings and bends down to begin collecting the broken pieces of glass. It's not an easy task with her stupid leg getting in the way.

"Oh, my beautiful girl," she hears from behind her as she fights with one particular piece that has wedged itself beneath the table. "I'm so glad you're home."

"Hi, mom," she answers quietly as she finally snags the evasive shard. She stands to meet her mother, attempting to discern her current state. "Is anyone else here?"

"No, no," she says with a wave of her hand, her weight shifting forward with the motion so she almost falls forward. Raven reaches out her hand, clenching the glass pieces tight in her fist so she doesn't cut her mom as she corrects her balance. "It's just you and me, my love." Her mom reaches forward and tucks a piece of Raven's hair behind her ear and then leans forward to kiss her forehead. "That's the way I like it. Just you and me."

"Me too, mom," she agrees quietly, the corners of her mouth turning up so slight but enough to appease her mother. "Why don't you go back to bed, okay?"

She consents, nodding her head as she walks past Raven to grab her cup off the counter, the scent strong enough to burn Raven's nostrils as it passes by her. "Goodnight my darling girl."

She watches her walk down the short hall and shut the bedroom door behind her. "Goodnight, mom," Raven says, opening her palm to the bloody shards of glass that rests there.

She spends the next twenty minutes before work picking glass out of her hand and pretending that it didn't feel like another stab to the heart.