A/N Please don't PM with requests to be nicer to Dan in MY stories. You are capable of writing your own douchy love story. Don't expect one from me. #KillingDanEveryStory
"Cease and desist miniature human! Your mother is trying to sleep. I gave her a very strong pain killer. How many time can you listen to to a song about a sweatshirt? Has no one told that boy child that sharing dirty clothes is a social faux pas?"
"A what?", Trixie asked, looking confused. "And why did you drug mommy? Did you slip her a ruthie?
"It's called a roofie and where did you hear about such a thing?"
"From a show called The First 48, daddy watches it every weekend when I'm with him."
"A fine example he is. Ignoring his offspring. No matter. No, I did not drug your mother, she was very aware of what I was giving her. She had a bad night last night and was in a lot of pain so I wanted to help her. If you must know, it was only naproxen sodium. Perfectly legal." I'll always be there for her.
"She was okay when we made s'mores and you burned your hand on the marshmallow. And she seemed fine when the melted chocolate squirted in your eye."
"If I recall correctly, you both laughed at my inexperience and pain. I looked up those damnable treats and did you know they were meant to be made over a camp fire, not a fireplace in a luxury penthouse?"
The child shrugged and smiled at the devil. She knew, she just liked to watch Lucifer mess up. She yawned, getting sleepy. He looked up at the clock. It was already 1:30 in the morning. Early for him, but the middle of the night for the child.
"Come, along. We'll put your pajamas on and get you into bed. Your mother is going to shoot me when she finds out how late you kept me up."
"Uh-uh, I didn't keep you up, you kept me up and if you don't give me cocoa, I'm so telling mommy."
"What have we here, the world's smallest extortionist?", he said throwing the girl on the sofa and tickling her tummy. What in the bloody hell am I doing?
Dan woke up, weak from blood loss. There was a gauze bandage on his crotch and Maze stood in the corner, licking the blade of her knife.
Dan, never one to know when to keep his mouth closed gave Maze a dirty look before saying, "When you lick that knife, it reminds me of that Miley Cyrus video where she gives a 'BJ' to a hammer."
"You sound like you want to give a Bj, Dan. Want to practice on my blade?" I'll even hold it for you so you can deep throat it."
"Psychotic bitch. What the hell is wrong you and that nut job you call a boss?"
"Tut-tut. Leave him out out of this. He hasn't even been down to visit you yet. He's been busy taking care of Chloe and your child. You know, unless I'm mistaken, Trixie likes Lucifer a whole lot more than she likes you. Why do you think that is?", she said, rubbing salt in his wounds.
Chloe was upstairs? He started rocking the chair and screaming her name. Chloe would save him from these lunatics. Suddenly, he was back handed hard enough to make his mouth bleed.
"People are trying to sleep around here, Danny boy. Are you always so rude?", Maze asked having too much fun with the douche.
"Let me out of here. I can give you whatever you want. Money, drugs, guys, girls, anything you can think of, just let me go and it's yours."
"Your soul, Dan. I want your soul", she said stalking towards him. Maze was tired of his blubbering. She would of cut out his tongue but that would ruin her whole plan to get Mr. Shit Stain to confess. Lucifer and Chloe were going to be together, even if it killed Dan.
It was then that she had an idea. A wicked idea. Bring Chloe down here and make Dan spill the proverbial beans. Then she would turn to Lucifer for sure.
Maze returned upstairs to get the woman, intent on exposing the douche once and for all. She carried in her hand the prosthesis that would prove to Chloe that Dan was indeed her bad date, David. The elevator doors opened and Maze was greeted with a sight so unholy it made her shudder. Trixe was asleep on Lucifer's back, using his butt for a pillow and he was snoring like a freight train. The kid better be glad Lucifer didn't pass gas like humans do. She giggled to herself, imagining the flames of hell shooting out of Lucifer's ass.
She went over to the bed and yanked Chloe to her feet, hardly giving the detective time to properly wake up, "What the hell, Maze?"
"Come with me, I caught the man who attacked you."
"He was in jail, Maze, you must have the wrong man."
"No, he was in jail. I took him out. You have to see this", Maze said, holding out the plastic face. "Your David was not who he claimed to to. He had on a wig, too but I knocked it off of him."
Maze walked briskly away, leaving Chloe to follow behind her on a sprained ankle. The two women rode the elevator in silence as Chloe looked over the realistic rubber face in her hands. Once they reached the basement level, Chloe could hear Dan screaming for help. Why was he here? She so didn't want to deal with him at the moment. Had Maze brought him to deal with David? Too many questions formed in the detective's mind but the main one bouncing around right now was, 'What the hell?'.
Maze threw the door open to reveal a bloody pants wearing Dan tied to a chair. Chloe saw the wig and the shirt David had worn at the pub on the floor next to him. The reality of it hit her like a ton of bricks and as she looked at her ex the only thing she could say was, "Why?"
The guilt was written across his features and he looked like he was half about to cry, half about to crap his pants, "I can explain."
"There's no explanation necessary, Dan. I think I get it loud and clear."
Before she could cry or leave the room, strong arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her to a warm chest, "For what he has done, love, there is no explanation, he's a cowardly little worm. I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but at the same time, I'm not. You needed to know."
Maze leaned up and whispered in Lucifer's ear. She had a suggestion and it was perfect. Using an old trick he learned in hell, Lucifer snapped his fingers and a huge Vulture appeared in front of Dan. The monster beast gobbled him up in one bite then spat him out. This action was repeated a few times. Maze was brilliant, this was her best idea yet.
Maze pointed and laughed, "Told you you're pathetic Dan. Not even a mouthful."
Chloe's eyes widened and she stifled a laugh, "In more ways than one, Maze, in more ways than one."
"I know, when I cut it off, I was so disappointed."
"You cut off his….?"
"Yep. I did. If you want, we can make it grow back and cut it off over and over."
Lucifer looked a tad bit uncomfortable with all the talk of cutting manly bits off but he had to agree the thought amused him. At least it wasn't his bits and bobs they were out to get. He would gladly let Dan suffer whatever torment his detective found fitting.
"Or we could roll it up in a car window over and over", Chloe said with a hint of mischief in her eyes.
"Done!", Lucifer snapped his fingers and the bird was gone, replaced by an old Pinto. "Sorry , darling, he's not worthy of a quality car.
Maze untied Dan and held him up to the passenger side window as Chloe rolled the window up as far as it would go. After a few satisfied crunches and screams of agony from Dan, Chloe sighed, "I'm bored with this. What else can we do to him?"
"Anything that pleases you. Being friends with the devil has it's benefits. I mean besides the obvious ones. You know, where I give you unlimited amounts of pleasure."
"You really are the devil, aren't you? I thought so. I should probably haul ass out of here but oddly, I feel safe."
"Afraid so. But I'm still me, the man who's stood behind you all of this 're safer with us than you would be with the entire police force at your back. I'd never hurt you intentionaly." Father, don't let her run away from me.
Chloe stood deep in thought for a minute before looking up at Lucifer, "If you're the devil, prove it. Shove a pineapple up Dan's ass like they did in that movie."
"Little Nicky, you're using Little Nicky as a point of reference for the devil? Detective, what am I going to do with you?"
Chloe stroked her chin for a minute like she did when working a case, "Hmmm, anything you want, Lucifer, anything you want."
Lucifer wanted to do many things to his sassy detective. He had even written a bucket list of sorts with all the things he wanted to try with her. Now, he could slowly cross each one off. But first, he had to make a pina colada.
Giving his detective a seductive grin, he told Maze to drop the douche and stand on his head. From out of nowhere, a pineapple and a coconut appeared in each hand. Chloe watched with undivided attention as Lucifer shoved both fruits where the sun didn't shine. Anything for his detective.