biggest chapter yet! literally and figuratively.

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Break my heart but it won't bleed

My only friends are pirates, it's just who I am

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"No. Nick!" Carla moved a little to quickly for her body to handle after her recent vomiting that she stumbled slightly, trying to reach for him as he held the door handle.

She stood at his side, one hand pressed firmly against the door keeping it closed. Her mind raced, warped images of their life together fuzzing back and forth before her eyes. "No…" She whispered, her voice no quiet that Nick barely heard her. She couldn't let him leave, not without knowing if they had a chance, she found herself swallowing the words 'I'm pregnant', she couldn't let it be a factor in his decision, she needed to know if he still wanted her, not her and a baby.

"Just…please" She pleaded quietly, one hand still on the door while the other pulled at the front of the hoodie that she wore, the navy material - just a little too big for her lean frame - that she had stolen from him and claimed as her own just days after they had gotten together.

"Carla, I can't be here…" Nick admitted, "I just need time"

"How much?" She questioned, her eyes glassed over with unshed tears, watching the emotion on his face, she couldn't pick out anything other than pain and heartache and knowing that it was her that caused it made her want to throw up even more. "How much time?"

"I don't know" He said quietly, he tried to pull the door open but was once again stopped by his wife, anxiety bathing her once fierce and defiant gaze.

"I need to know" Carla begged, holding her hand held against her stomach "I need to know…do we have any chance? Is there any chance we can get through this?"

The thought of him with their child bled through her mind, her heart racing as she let her self get lost in her own imagination just for a moment. A little boy, a perfect miniature version of his father, soft blonde hair and a cheeky grin that she could never say no to, Nick holding his new born son, curled up on the couch while watching football, trying to explain the rules to the tiny child that could barely keep his eyes open. Her heart filled with joy for a split second before the nausea set in at the thought of being a single mother or not even being a mother at all. She still had her appointment booked at the clinic and all she wanted was an answer from Nick, yes or no?

"Nick, please tell me. Do you think you'll ever forgive me?"

"I don't know" Nick moved his hand from the handle and touched her arm, then his fingers moved softly across her jawline "I'll never get over you" He said with a smile, although not one of happiness, it was one more of despair.

"That's not what I asked" She grabbed his hand and entangled their fingers together, "I need to know, do you still want me? Do you still want me as your wife?" She smiled through her tears.

"I'm your wife," She whispered, "I never thought I'd ever get anyone as amazing as you"

"Car…"

"I love you so much" Carla pulled Nick close by his shoulders, their foreheads touching, she felt him sigh, his breath warm against her lips "I want it all with you." She ran her fingers through his hair and let them rest at the nape of his neck, keeping them connected.

"I want our life. I need our life, Nick. Everything we talked about, everything we planned for…we could leave, start all over again…"

"What if we didn't?" He replied, stepping back slightly, focusing his gaze intensely on her.

"Didn't what?" Her heart plummeted to the floor; she felt her hands begin to shake at the prospect of him leaving her forever.

"Didn't leave" He established "What if we stayed in Weatherfield? Would you do that?"

"I just want you," She admitted, her throat felt like it was closing. The only reason they were even thinking of leaving was because of her and her stupid decisions. "I don't care where we are or where we go, Nick, I just want to be with you. I just want to be your wife"

Nick broke the close embrace and leant back against the wall, his arms folded over his chest as he stared at the floor "Did you even want to leave?"

"What?" She questioned, her hands pushed deep into the pockets of the hoodie.

"Devon…our new life, was any of what you said real?" His mind played the scene back of her talking about their new life in their own little cottage by the beach…just the three of them.

He had let himself drift off in his imagination that night, the thought of he and Carla living by the sea, their own space, watching the sunset behind the water while their child played in the sand beside them. Their daughter, whenever he imagined their child it was always a daughter. A little girl with her mother's bright green eyes and a smile that could stop anyone in their tracks, she would be bright and funny and have so much energy that her parents would be left permanently exhausted but they wouldn't care, they would be so happy and in-love that no amount of fatigue could dull their contentment.

"Of course it was," She whispered

"Or was it just a way to keep me from finding out the truth?"

"Nick…"

"Carla, I just can't…I really thought you wanted this you know?" He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed while moving himself over to the kitchen counter, laying his palms down flat on the marble surface.

"I did Nick…I do" She clarified

"The only reason you suggested we leave was because Tracy was blackmailing you. Otherwise we you never would've brought up the idea and we'd still be living here and you'd still have the factory and I'd still have the bistro…"

"Nick…"

"No! God Carla, this is what I mean!" He shouted, "How am I supposed to know what I want if I don't even know what was real in the first place?!"

Thick, fat tears fell from Carla's eyes "Nick please…" She walked over and grabbed him by collar, forcing him to face her "Don't ever question this." She begged

"Don't ever question how I feel about you because I love you. I never thought I could love anyone the way I loved Peter, I'd never felt like that before but you…God Nick, you are everything I never knew I wanted." She stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against his, tears still silently falling from her eyes. "I love you so much, I feel it everywhere. My heart feels so full whenever someone mentions your name, never mind when you're in the room. Saying that I love you doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about you." She kissed him again with a little more force as if trying to push the feelings into him.

"And telling you how much I hate myself and how sorry I am will never be enough to describe how I feel about what I did to you" She whispered, "I'll never forgive myself for making you feel this pain and I'll do anything I can to take that pain away"

They stood in silence, the pair of them heartbroken and desperate in the middle of the kitchen; their hands linked together, both hearts pounding furiously in their chests.

"Is that why you're leaving?"

Carla shifted her gaze from the floor to his face, waiting for the next question she could tell was about to fall from his lips.

"Did you think leaving would make me feel better?" He asked "Or is it that running away would make you feel better?"

"You just left…" Carla replied quietly "You just…you walked away, I thought that was it, I thought you didn't…I thought you didn't want me any more and I knew how badly I'd hurt you, I didn't want you to be the one, I mean, your family is here, everyone you love…" Her words stuck in her throat, she thought about his family, his family that had accepted her, that had felt that she mattered, that she had made Nick so happy that she deserved to be a part of their crazy unit.

"I thought that if you didn't want me any more you should still have them, you shouldn't have to leave your family, your friends, Lea…" She found herself nauseous at the thought of Leanne. She had never understood their relationship, the were high-school sweethearts, married, broken up, affair, married, broken up and yet they still remained close, through everything, there would always be something between them and Carla knew she was lying when she said she wasn't even a tiny bit jealous.

"I ruined us. I should be the one to leave, its not like I haven't before, its not like there's much keeping me here…not if I don't have you"

.

It was hours later and Michelle cornered Nick as he walked into the Rovers, his head hung low and a voice in his head saying 'drown yourself in whiskey'

"Nick…"

"Michelle, look…"

Michelle took in his current state, the man was the epitome of sadness and she could only imagine what state Carla was in "What happened?" She asked him.

Nick gave her a sad smile, "I think you should go and see Carla," He suggested "I erm, I just don't think…"

"You've broken up? Officially?" Michelle's heart sat in her throat, she could tell just by looking at him that Nick wasn't sure he had made the right decision but she also knew that she was in no place to judge or to try and force her opinion on him. She would talk it over with Carla.

"I want to say no, I want to go back to last week when I had no idea…or hell lets go back to new year and I'd punch Johnny for upsetting her and I'd back off so she didn't feel the need to go out and get hammered and screw my chef…"

Michelle couldn't help but give him a look filled with pity "Nick, I'm so sorry." She reached over and squeezed his hand "For what its worth I don't think anyone can feel as bad as Carla does right now, you have to know how sorry she is"

"I do" He nodded and threw back his glass of whiskey, welcoming the burn of the dark amber liquid. "But that doesn't mean I can forgive her. I don't know what to do." He sighed. "At least there's nothing tying us down, she's free to leave like she planned if she wants."

"Leave? She's…" The brunette behind the bar was hit with the sudden realisation that her best friend hadn't been completely honest with her husband "She's still leaving? She didn't say anything about…"

"About what?"

.

"You didn't tell him?" Michelle burst into the flat to find her best friend hastily packing clothes into a suitcase, not even bothering about neatness.

"No" Carla wiped her tears and carried on packing "He can't forgive me. I can see it in his eyes Michelle, he's never gonna forgive me"

"But Carla! He deserves to…"

"No! This is my decision…" Carla threw her jeans on top of the case and pointed at her friend "He has no idea about this baby and its better this way. I can leave and we can cut all ties and he can start again and be happy"

"I just saw him Carla, there is no way he's happy with this decision…"

"Then why did he suggest it!?" Carla cried. "He left! He said that he needed time and that in the end maybe its better this way, that maybe one day we could be together but this would always be hanging over us and I can't live like that. I can't live my life knowing that he can throw this back in my face at any point"

Carla began pacing the floor, her hands shaking and her breathing laboured "I just can't…"

"Carla…" Michelle stepped closer towards her friend who was struggling to calm herself. "Carla, you need to calm down"

"Calm down?" Carla laughed and ended up coughing hard when the air caught in her throat, tears still streaming down her face "I can't…calm…do…"

"Carla, listen to me, you need to breathe. This is no good for either of you, you need to calm down, you're having a panic attack"

She felt the tears well up in her own eyes as she watched her friend struggle to catch her breath "It's over…I can't…"

"Carla, look at me, take long, deep breaths, here…" Michelle tried to get Carla to copy her breathing; she would end up in hospital if she kept this up.

She grabbed Carla by the shoulders and tried to keep her still, both of them failing to notice the figure that was standing in the open doorway watching the scene in front of him.

"Look this isn't good for you, or the baby, you need to slow down…"

"Baby…?"

Both women turned in shock, Carla's breathing got worse as they saw the figure standing by the door.

"What baby?"

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