Dimitri was speechless, we didn't move for a long time. Dimitri looked out the window behind me and then kissed me on the forehead. "Don't you ever believe I am going to leave you again Roza." He took my hand and helped me off the bed. "I know you want to shower, so go ahead. We still have a few hours before sunrise." What Dimitri didn't know is at court I almost always sat in the bath while I showered, and recently more often than not Lissa has been helping me, because at barely six months pregnant I can't bend down all the way and showering general has been lots of work.

"Yes I want to be clean comrade, but I'd rather run ten laps then try to shower in there." I pointed to the little bathroom and Dimitri raised an eyebrow. "I can, but I'd rather wait for a time I can sit in a bath and not have my tombstone read death by soap and stupidity." Dimitri pulled toward the bathroom.

"Rose, you haven't showered in almost a week, at least try to rinse yourself." I groaned but opened the bathroom door. It was and absolute miracle Dimitri found a way to change in this little room, I didn't even know where to begin. I bent over and picked a but a towel and soap making sure my uncomfortable moans were loud enough for Dimitri to hear. When I stood up again Dimitri grabbed my shoulder and turned me toward him. "I'll help you." My immediate reaction was awkwardly standing and saying nothing.

I was always confident before, I knew I had a nice body. For the past few months however I have been hating myself more and more every time I added another pound. "No I can, I can do it myself." I said. Dimitri sighed and took off his shirt. His body was as defined and beautiful as I remembered, I forced myself to look at his face. He pulled at the edge of my shirt. It wasn't sexual at all, it was gentle and caring. I pulled the shirt over my head.

Dimitri pulled me away from the door before he stepped into the bathroom. I heard the shower begin to spray water. I was in only my bra and sweatpants, and I felt horrible. I took a blanket off the bed and draped it over my shoulders. I wiggled out of my pants right before Dimitri came back in. "Come on." I pulled the blanket of me tighter.

"I've got it, don't worry." I was nervous under his gaze because I know he was trying to read my expression. I went into the bathroom and purposefully closed the door immediately. I took my underwear and let the blanket fall to the floor. I seen myself in the little mirror and began to silently cry, I looked awful.

I stepped into the warm shower and let the water massage my back. For a while I didn't even touch shampoo, eventually I washed my hair. When I picked up the bar of soap to wash the rest of me I became extremely frustrated. After trying several times to bend over and clean my now black feet I threw the soap to the shower floor and growled. I heard a knock at the door before it opened.

"Go away!" Dimitri came in and I tried to cover myself up. Somehow, I managed to sit on the floor of the shower. Dimitri opened the shower door and turned off the water. He kneeled in front of me with a towel in his hand. A wiggled a way from him. "Go Away!" He didn't move. "Please, leave me alone." He shook his head.

"I thought I told you I wasn't leaving. What's wrong Rosa?" His voice was level and gentle. I don't know what came over me but I began to cry again. I had never felt more vulnerable in my entire life. I was sitting naked, crying about how bad I felt about myself. Dimitri reached out his hand but I swatted it away.

Then without any regard for the lack of space or the fact that he had clothes on he came in and sat next to me. He wrapped the towel around me, but I kept crying. "Please stop, go away."

"Come here." He pulled me onto his lap so I could lay against his chest. I gave up trying to get him to leave with my weak begging, but still was unwilling to relax. I stopped crying and began standing up. However I was a tired and terrified I would slip, so I accepted Dimitri's help. I made sure I cover as much of me as possible. I quickly left the bathroom and lay on the bed. I pulled the blanket around me, making sure there was no room for Dimitri. He came and walked around the bed sitting right in front of my view. "You should put some clothes on before you get cold." I kept my eyes closed hoping he would leave. I felt his hand on my shoulder and slowly I opened my eyes.

"No, I like sleeping like this." Dimitri trusted his lips into a disapproving smirk.

"What happened to you not being tired?" I looked at him trying to keep all emotion on my face. He sighed. "I'll wait in the bathroom, you knock when your dressed." He reached for the shelf next to us and pulled out a nightgown. That fact that he guessed I didn't want to change in front of him made me antsy, but I agreed without saying a word. He went into the bathroom but looked at me one more time before he closed the door. I changed quickly just in case he came out on his own. As I approached the door I once again seen myself in a door length mirror beside it.

Almost immediately tears began to well up I my eyes. I looked exhausted, the only sign I just showered was my wet hair because otherwise I still looked dirty. Even from the front my weight didn't look well distributed. I turned to my side and placed my hands just under my bump so I could see all of it under my dress. I could only imagine how big I would get in three months. I dropped my hands and scrutinized myself for a few seconds more before I gently knocked on the door.

Slowly Dimitri came out. I didn't move, I still felt uncomfortable, like he was judging me. He took my hand and pulled me towards him. "Why are you pushing me away again." I didn't say anything, I looked away in case my face would show what I was thinking. He put a hand under my chin and made we look at him. I pulled away again. "What did I do?" He sounded hurt.

"Nothing, I just want to be left alone." I tired to step away but he put his hand on my shoulder so I couldn't move. "Nothing, I'm sorry, just leave me alone." As soon as I looked at him I regretted it. He looked so pained.

"What is it?" He sounded desperate, and I cracked.

"I don't want you to look at me, okay." He went from sad to confused almost instantly.

"Why?" I inhaled loudly and nearly yelled.

"I look awful." I subconsciously placed my hands on my stomach. "I'm fat! I look dead!" His face melted into a look of helplessness and disbelief.

"That's not true Roza, who made you believe something like that?" I threw my hand up.

"No one, I did! It's true thought." He put my head in his hands and looked at me for a long while. I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"That's not true, your just as beautiful as when I met you, but now in a different way. You've matured more since we met, than most people do in half a lifetime." I almost believed him.

"Mature people don't try to kill themselves when some boy leaves." Dimitri flinched a little, I already regretted saying that. "And growing up doesn't mean I'm getting better looking." Dimitri was not having it.

"Stop it Roza! You used to be so confident, where is this coming from?" He looked irritated, that just made me upset.

"My confidence left me the same day you did." My voice was low, and I used each word as a weapon. Just like before I was not prepared for Dimitri crashing his lips into mine, but this time I pushed him away. "Stop, don't just kiss me to shut me up." Dimitri looked at me with a hard expression.

"I don't know how to prove to you, you are beautiful, just like when I met you. I will never not regret leaving you, so please don't do this to yourself. You are beautiful!" This time I was the one to kiss him. It was soft and sweet. I pulled away and I took his hand. I brought him over and sat on the bed with him.

"Then you have to explain to me...Why did you leave?" Dimitri looked absolutely stunned, but in a moment he began explaining. Slowly, he tried but his thoughts seemed unorganized.

"I don't know, okay. After the attack, Tasha offered again. I thought I was doing the right thing. Leaving you would put Lissa first, and you wouldn't have to worry about me. I don't know, something just told me to do it." I let him completely finish and after some time he was done, although I knew he was completely wrong I still understood his reasoning, kind of. I didn't say anything to him about it I simply said wake me up when you want to get food. I crawled into bed and began closing my eyes. I felt Dimitri lie beside me and wrap his arms around me.

"Don't leave me again, please." Moments later I was asleep. And I felt the familiar pull of a spirit dream.

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