Chapter 5 – I just Can't Get Him out of my Mind

Remus was spending a free period in the library doing his homework when suddenly he spotted Regulus sitting at a far end table by himself. The sun's rays shot through the window and made his silky hair shine a dark blue. Remus almost lost himself in the sight and slowly pulled out a small sketchbook and started to draw, only looking up to catch the details of his oblivious model.

Ten minutes later Regulus packed up and headed out of the library. He stopped as he passed Remus on his way to the door, a little puzzled by the way Remus quickly chucked a notepad into his bag when seeing him.

"Hi..."

Remus sent him a smile. "Hello. How are you?"

Regulus shrugged. "Well... you know. What about you? You've been ill a lot, my brother tells me."

"Yeah," said Remus and scratched his neck. "I have a defective immune system so I get ill easily. I have to be careful around ill people and germs. You know, have to use hand sanitizer whenever I've touched doorknobs and such." Remus usually didn't tell people about his illness but he figured that Regulus would understand about the cleanliness and perhaps sympathise with him.

"Oh. Well, that's something everyone should do. People are so ignorant. They have no idea how many germs there are on objects touched by a lot of people. Did you know that cash is germ bombs? Because it goes from hand to hand. There are many, many kinds of germs on banknotes, often even faecal bacteria! Can you believe that? I never touch cash. Ever. I always use my card. I avoid stores where they don't accept it. Well, I buy as much as I possibly can over the internet, of course." Regulus seemed almost eager talking about this subject with someone who listened for once.

"I actually didn't know that, but I'll keep it in mind. It makes sense," said Remus and zipped his bag. He got up from his seat and swung the bag over his shoulder. "But I agree that people should use hand sanitizer. Would make my life a lot easier."

"Well - people are pigs," said Regulus.

"I don't know about that," said Remus with a smile. "They just don't think about germs like you and me. If they had a reason to fear them as much as I do, they would probably be more careful."

"Well..." said Regulus, starting to get a little uncomfortable. He wasn't used to standing around chatting to people. "I have to go to class. Goodbye."

"If you want, we can walk together to out next classes?"

"Oh..." said Regulus, surprised. "N-no, that's okay. I have Biology. It's somewhere else."

"But you don't know where I'm –" started Remus.

"Bye," said Regulus and was gone.

o0o0o

"Mum," Remus said as he sat down on the sofa. "I met someone I really like, but my friends tell me I have no chance with him." He sighed. He felt like he had to talk to someone soon or he would burst, and he had always had a very close bond with his mother.

"Oh?" said Mrs. Lupin and sat down across from him at the coffee table. "You did? Why do they say you don't have a chance - is he straight?"

"No. I mean, I don't know if he is. But he... has problems. He freaks out when people get too close to him or touch him. He gets into loads of trouble because of it." Remus sighed and leaned back in his chair. "I just can't get him out of my mind. I would like to talk more to him but he runs away after only a few minutes of conversation."

"Well, maybe you need to be a little patient. Has he shown any interest in you?"

"Well..." started Remus and smiled. "He came up to me in the library today and said hello. It was a bit of a shock really but we talked for about five minutes before he left."

"So he took the initiative. That's not a bad sign," smiled Mrs. Lupin. "Who is he?"

"His name is Regulus," smiled Remus. "He's one of my friend's younger brother. But only a year younger than me." He pulled out his sketchbook and handed it to his mother. "I made this of him today but I feel a little bad because he didn't know I did it."

"Oh," smiled Mrs. Lupin as she looked at the sketch. "What a pretty boy. He looks a little lonely, though. Or is that just the way you drew him?"

"I think he does too and that's what I have tried to explain to Sirius and the others. I think he is really lonely and just needs someone who understands him."

"What was it you said about him getting into a lot of fights at school? I'm not sure I like that, Remus..."

"No it's not like that, Mum. He just can't stand people touching him so when they do, he panics and pushes or hits them."

"That sounds serious, Remus. Did he get a diagnosis? Any therapy? How do his parents deal with it?"

"I don't think he's getting any therapy. Sirius says he won't go near a doctor and that he trusts no one. I don't think his parents care. They're never home and when they are, Sirius says that all they do is fight."

"That doesn't sound good. Where do you think it comes from? What about his brother? Does he have some of the same problems?" asked Mrs. Lupin. Being a psychologist, she naturally got worried.

"No he has nothing of the sort," said Remus, thinking of how attention-seeking Sirius was. "He is very popular and outgoing. Nothing like Regulus. If they didn't look so much alike you wouldn't believe they were brothers."

"Do you think something happened to - was it Regulus? - that didn't happen to his brother?"

Remus looked slightly worried by the thought. "I don't know, Mum... Sirius says he has always been like this."

"Either way, if he isn't getting any sort of help - therapy or medication - then he really should see a professional about it. I'm sure there are things that can be done to help him. Maybe you should talk to his brother about it?"

"I could ask, but they aren't on good terms right now. Remus sighed and leaned a little forward. "Last week Sirius bathed his dog in Regulus' tub and all hell broke loose, so I don't know when Sirius will be able to ask anything of Regulus."

"Oh, my. Is it because of the germs or because he feels his privacy violated, you think?"

"Both, I think. He's a very private person. He doesn't want people to touch either him or his things."

Mrs. Lupin sighed and put a hand on Remus' arm. "I think maybe it would be best if you could stop fancying him. I know that's easier said than done, but I'm worried that you'll only get disappointed and hurt. He sounds very troubled and I don't want your life to be even more difficult that it already is."

Remus dropped his gaze. "Yes, Mum," he mumbled.

"Remus, I know it's hard, but let's face the fact that even if you could get through to him, the chances of getting a romantic relationship also relies on him being gay. And you know the odds aren't in your favour." When Mrs. Lupin saw the expression on her son's face she pulled him into a hug. "Oh, honey. I'm sorry to sound so negative. And you know that I encourage you to pursue your feelings, trying to do something about it if you're attracted to someone. But in hopeless cases... Or at least seemingly hopeless cases..."

"I know, Mum," sighed Remus. "I just don't know if I can let it go."

"Maybe you should ask Sirius if he thinks his brother might be gay? I mean if he is, then there might be hope."

"I guess I could."

"Oh, and Remus? Why don't you invite your new friends over? I haven't met them yet and I would love to. Perhaps tomorrow for dinner? You could ask Sirius to bring his brother as well."

"Good idea. I'll ask," smiled Remus.

o0o0o

Remus caught Sirius on his own the next day in school.

"My Mum asked if you lads would like to come by for dinner tonight." When Sirius nodded eagerly, Remus quickly added, "Oh and... um, if Regulus would like to join too he is more than welcome."

"Reggie?" said Sirius, raising his eyebrows. "Are you kidding? Haven't you noticed yet how social he is? There is no way. But I can ask him if you want. Or you can do it yourself."

Remus thought about it for a moment. Maybe the chance of Regulus saying yes was greater if Remus asked, taking into consideration that Sirius and he weren't very good friends at the moment. "I'll try and ask."

"It'll be fun meeting your parents. Only met your nurse, remember? By the way - why are you so interested in Reggie?"

Remus blushed. "I just think he's very sweet." He still hadn't told Sirius that he fancied his younger brother and judging from Sirius expression, James hadn't either.

"Sweet? Are we talking about the same person? My brother? And why are you blushing? Oh... Don't tell me you have a thing for him!" gasped Sirius, suddenly remembering that Remus was gay.

Remus got even redder in the face and looked down at his shoes. "Maybe just a little…"

"Blimey, Remus. You have a weird taste in blokes. I mean, of course he's wicked handsome - he's my brother after all." Sirius flashed him a grin. "But he's just about as charming as a car crash."

"I'm just attracted to him. I'm not sure why," said Remus. "But I don't even know if he's gay. Do you… do you think he might be?"

"I honestly have no idea. You know, he's so weird that you can't really tell stuff like that. I've never seen him check out a bird, and the last time one tried to get in contact with him he pushed her into a table. But then again, he behaves pretty much the same way towards blokes. I really don't know, Remus. Maybe he doesn't, either."

Remus bit his lip. "Anyway, I'll ask him if he wants to come to dinner with you lot. My mum is a really good cook and I'm sure she can make something that he likes too."

"Don't count on it. The only person's food he will eat, besides what he prepares himself, is Mrs. Harris'. He trusts her. Probably the only one in the world, in fact."

"Oh," said Remus feeling his hope drop. "Is it really that bad? I mean, maybe I could... I could ask if he wanted to help with the cooking. Then he knows how it's made."

"Go ahead and try, but don't count on it. Well, we might as well find him now," said Sirius, looking at his watch. "If I'm not mistaken his next lesson is Math, so if we hurry to McGonagall's classroom we can catch him there before it starts.

Regulus stopped, a little surprised when he spotted his brother and Remus standing outside the classroom. "What are you doing here? Are you waiting for me?"

"Yes we are," said Sirius and gave Remus a nudge. "Remus has something he wants to ask you."

"Oh?" said Regulus, automatically taking a step back. What could Remus possibly want from him?

Remus noticed the suspicious look on Regulus' face and put his hands up in a calming gesture. "Nothing bad, honestly. My mum just wanted to invite you and your brother and James and Peter for dinner tonight. I'd be glad if you would join."

"Why? I'm not your friend. And she doesn't know me."

"Well," said Remus a little hesitantly. He couldn't very well tell Regulus it was because he fancied him and his mother would like to meet him. "I do consider you my friend, actually."

Regulus looked around nervously, then back at Remus. "No. You probably don't have the right food. Most people don't."

"If you tell me what kind of food to get, we'll buy it," suggested Remus, eying hope. "You can also help cook if you want, so you get the food just the way you like it."

Regulus looked at him suspiciously for a moment. "What makes you think I would be interested in being social with you and my brother's stupid friends, anyway?"

"Reggie, stop being such a toerag for once! Remus is trying to be nice to you," scolded Sirius. "And it would be good for you to spend a little time with other people."

"No, it wouldn't. And I don't know the home. The kitchen might not be sanitary enough. That's where most food contamination happens."

"Are you accusing Remus' parents of not keeping a clean kitchen?" said Sirius in a sharp tone.

"I don't know them. And most people don't clean their kitchens properly. You would be horrified to know how many bacteria there can still be in a kitchen that looks clean to the naked eye. If you spray a certain substance onto the surfaces that highlights the bacteria, you will be shocked. There have been plenty of scientific experiments -"

"You and your bloody experiments," groaned Sirius.

"It's very clean," said Remus. "It has to be because of my illness. My mother almost overdoes it, in fact. She's very protective of me." He, however, felt this was a lost cause. Regulus did not seem at all interested in going or even being his friend.

Regulus thought about it for a second. There was something intriguing about Remus, he had to admit that. Something he hadn't experienced with anyone else. But there would be other people. People he didn't know. "No. Sorry," he said and hurried off.

Sirius sighed. "Don't worry about it. I told you not to take it personally."

o0o0o

Remus' mother met the boys in the door, wearing an apron. She greeted everybody. "You must be Sirius," she smiled as she shook his hand. "What about your brother? You didn't bring him?"

"He didn't want to come, Mum," said Remus, trying to hide how disappointed he actually was.

"He's a little weird," said Sirius and put an arm around Remus. "You have to be in order to turn down such a fine invitation.

"Well, that's a pity," said Mrs. Lupin. "But do come in! Dinner is ready in half an hour. I'm making a turkey." Remus told me Regulus doesn't eat red meat, that's why. But I hope you lads like turkey as well. I'm making it nice and crisp."

"It smells wonderful, Mrs. Lupin," said James. "Like Christmas."

Remus took his friends into the living room. "You lads want some tea?"

"That's alright, Remus," said Sirius, making himself comfortable on the sofa. "No need filling our stomachs with tea when a great dinner is waiting."

"Did you warn your mother that Sirius eats like a horse?" grinned James.

"I believe that's why she made a whole turkey," said Remus.

"You're lucky you can eat like that and not get fat," said Peter, eying Sirius enviously.

Sirius flashed him a grin and clapped his stomach. "Lucky genes, I guess." He leaned back on the sofa and turned to Remus. "Sorry about my brother again, but I did warn you."

"I know you did," sighed Remus.

"I don't remember when he has last gone to somebody's house," said Sirius. "Except when my parents have forced him to go to an important party."

"If he doesn't want to go then why do they make him?" asked Remus

"Because he's a part of the family and our parents go to these parties to mingle with the upper class and clients. I usually go but Regulus is let off the hook most of the time because our parents are ashamed of him. But I'm their poster boy."

"So they just take you to these parties to show you off?"

"Yeah. And I'm quite the asset for them, trust me, I can charm the pants off any fine lady," grinned Sirius. "I almost feel like an escort boy sometimes."

"Ah, come off it," said James. "You love those parties - being the center of attention like that."

Remus could imagen just fine that Sirius would love the attention, even if he thought the snobbery of the people his parents associated with was a joke.

"You don't know what you're talking about. It's a burden being so handsome and charming," said Sirius and let out a long sigh to add a little drama to his tone.

"Yeah, yeah. If you didn't love it you would make sure to embarrass your parents just as much at those parties as Regulus does."

"Probably," grinned Sirius. "Although I wouldn't bore everyone with tales of how dangerous germs are and experiments that someone has made to prove my dear brother's theories."

James and Peter laughed.

"What do you mean?" said James in an ironic tone. "Isn't it just fascinating how many different bacteria can be found in old Sluggy's nose?"

"Very interesting," agreed Sirius. "I think I will write about it in my next Biology essay. I'm sure Professor Sprout will appreciate it as much as Reggie."

"Do the other guests even realise what they're dealing with? I mean - do your parents warn them not to touch the bull terrier?" grinned Peter.

"Yes, they could easily lose a couple of fingers!" laughed James.

They sat laughing for a couple of minutes, apart from Remus who didn't think it was funny how they were making fun of Regulus.

"Well he's not all bad," said Sirius finally.

"Has he always been like this?" asked Remus.

"For as long as I can remember. When we were little he never wanted to do fun stuff like go to the playground. No, he wanted to sit in his room and read his books or practice the piano. What five-year-old doesn't want to play outside because it's too dirty?"

"He goes running outside, though," said Peter.

"Yes but that only gets the soles of his shoes dirty," said Sirius. "And he goes straight for a shower when he comes back."

"It's part of his health obsession," added James. "Being in shape is as important as eating right. Has he ever been really ill, Sirius?"

"He's rarely ill, which is a good thing. All hell breaks loose when he has to see a doctor. It means someone having to touch him in an invasive way."

"Do you think… Could something have happened to him that makes him act out like this?" Remus couldn't get himself to say the word "molested".

"What do you mean?" asked Sirius. "Oh - no, no, I can't imagine that. I don't know who could have done anything like that. He has always stayed clear of everybody as much as he could. I don't even remember when it started, so if something had happened he would have had to be very, very young."

"But it could have happened?"

"It's very unlikely," said Sirius.

"Hey, Remus," said James suddenly. "We didn't make you feel bad talking about the bacteria, did we? It wasn't aimed at you. You're not hysterical about it, and you even have a good reason to be careful. Regulus doesn't."

"I know you didn't mean to aim it at me," said Remus. "I'm just worried about why Regulus is like that and what might have happened to him."

"Nothing has happened," said Sirius determinedly. "He's just special like that and has a weird idea that people actually want to listen to his rubbish."

o0o0o

That evening when the guests had left, Remus sat by himself in the living room with the TV on. Some movie rolled over the screen but he wasn't really paying attention to it. His mind was wandering in a different direction. Why was Regulus so afraid of being touched and of germs? Had something happened that his brother didn't know about? Or did he have some kind of mental condition?

He pulled out his sketchbook and looked at the drawing he had made of the lonely looking boy, and let his fingers run over the paper. This was probably the closest he would ever get to touching him. He wondered how the skin would feel. If it felt as smooth as it looked. He wished that one day he would get the answer and that he would be able to get through to Regulus. He wasn't going to give up on him.

A/N: To see Zayhad's illustration to the chapter go to deviantart dot com and look up Zayhad. She has a folder in her gallery with the story's name on it.