Chapter 20 – Just go ahead

The next day at school, Remus kept his distance, just hanging his head whenever he saw Regulus, who pointedly ignored him.

"Lighten up, Remus," said Sirius as they sat down to lunch. "He'll come around."

The next day Regulus decided that Remus had had enough punishment. He was still a little upset with him, but he missed him terribly, so he sent him a text.

- You coming over after school or what?

Remus looked at his phone, his eyes wide. He had been so miserable since Regulus had told him to leave, but now he was acting as if nothing had happened.

- Sure, if you don't mind me coming over

- If I minded, why would I ask?

o0o0o

Remus stood outside the door for a minute before finally ringing the doorbell. He didn't know if Regulus would act like he always did or if he would still be upset with him.

Regulus opened the door and let Remus step in. "You came alone. Did my brother stay to watch Ronaldo practice?"

"Yeah," said Remus and sent him a nervous smile. He took off his scarf and jacket, hanging them on the coat stand. He looked at Regulus and rubbed his neck nervously. "Are... are you still mad at me?"

Regulus gave him a blank look as if Remus had asked him a strange question. "Why would I be mad?"

Remus looked a little puzzled but then smiled. "Forget I asked," he said, reaching out for his hand.

They decided to go to Regulus' room. As soon as Regulus had locked his door behind them, Remus put his arms around him and leaned in to gently press their lips together.

Regulus kissed back although automatically taking a gentle hold of Remus' upper arms to prevent him from wrapping them too tightly around him. It was okay now to stand close, bodies touching, but Regulus still didn't like feeling trapped.

Slowly deepening the kiss, Remus turned them around and backed towards the bed, happy that Regulus followed without hesitation. They dropped down on the bed, lying on their sides facing each other. Remus hesitated a little before sliding a hand down Regulus' body, and as it reached the end of his shirt, Remus broke the kiss for a moment. "Can I?" he asked, letting his fingers play with the hem.

Regulus wanted to say no, but it wasn't fair to Remus. They had been stuck at this point for a long time and he didn't feel he could keep rejecting Remus, so he gulped and gave a short nod.

"Just tell me to stop if it gets too much," said Remus and closed the gap between them again in a soft kiss. His fingers slowly crept up under the hem of Regulus' shirt and caressed the warm skin with his palm.

Regulus stiffened, forcing himself not to move or bat away Remus' hands, and tried to concentrate on the kiss. It was difficult, though. Why couldn't he get across this barrier of being okay with Remus touching him under the clothes? It didn't make him panic any longer, but it was still very uncomfortable for him.

Remus moved his hand away after a moment, noticing how tense Regulus was, eying him with a concerned look on his face. "You're stiff as a board. I don't want you to do this just to please me. I want to touch you, but not if it brings you discomfort."

"Yes... Yes, you do. I have to get used to it. It's not fair," said Regulus, feeling ashamed and angry with himself. "Just go ahead."

"Forget about what I want," said Remus and brushed his hair out of his eyes. "What do you want?"

"I... I want this. To be with you. To do boyfriend stuff. The way it's supposed to be," said Regulus.

Remus smiled softly. "Let's try something different, then." He dipped his head in under Regulus' chin and kissed his neck.

Regulus let out a gasp as the lips on his throat sent shivers through him. He pulled back, staring at Remus, surprised both at what Remus had just done and - even more - the way it had felt.

Remus looked up at him, a little worried. "You don't like it? I can go back to kissing you on the lips if you'd rather have that, but I thought this might feel good for you."

"N-no," said Regulus. "You can do it again. It... felt alright."

Remus' eyes lit up as he leaned back in to pepper kisses all around Regulus' neck. He was pleased to hear Regulus letting out another gasp.

This was exciting. Apart from kissing, this was the first time Regulus had felt any kind of pleasure from physical contact. For some reason Remus' mouth did not make him feel uncomfortable the way his hands did. It made no sense, but that was how it was. When he felt Remus slowly slipping a hand under his shirt again, Regulus grabbed the wrist and removed it, placing it on his jean-clad hip instead, hoping he would keep it quiet there. The touch was very uncomfortable and Regulus wanted to just enjoy the lips on his neck.

Remus understood and decided to keep his hand still on Regulus' jeans, all the while kissing his way down his throat until he couldn't go any further because of the shirt. He wished he could unbutton it, but wasn't sure how Regulus would feel about that. "I'd like to keep kissing you further down, but that means you have to remove your shirt, or just unbutton a few buttons," he hummed against his skin. "But I understand if you're not ready for that." He placed another gentle kiss on his throat and awaited his response.

"It feels good on my neck," said Regulus, avoiding answering the question directly. The shirt was not coming off. He just wasn't ready for that.

Remus nodded and resumed his activity. Regulus closed his eyes and revelled in the moist lips on his neck and how it made his blood course through his veins. He was getting quite turned on. Without thinking about it, his hands went to Remus' shirt, fumbling a bit with it before pushing a hand up under it to touch.

Remus let out a surprised gasp. He took a gentle hold on Regulus' hip and pulled him closer, his lips still caressing the skin of Regulus' neck. The touch on his chest made his skin tingle. Oh, how he wanted to touch Regulus too, but he had made it clear that he didn't wish him to do so.

"Remus," hummed Regulus as his hand moved around Remus' back and then down over his bottom.

Lying flush against each other, Remus responded with an automatic roll of his hips.

Regulus started and pushed Remus back.

Remus looked at him in surprise. "I'm sorry."

"It's... It's okay," said Regulus, sitting up. "I just need to use the bathroom..." Then he hurried off, leaving Remus lying on the bed.

Remus rolled onto his back and ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. "You have to learn to control yourself!" he scolded himself.

Regulus stayed out there until he had calmed down. When he didn't think he could let Remus wait any longer, he went back out and sat down on the bed. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"It's alright," said Remus. "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to push you. I just got a little carried away." He smiled and reached out for Regulus' hand, lacing their fingers.

"Are you staying for dinner today?" Regulus asked, changing the subject. He was a little scared Remus would want to leave because he had cut them off when they had got going.

"I'd love to stay for dinner," smiled Remus. "How is your shoulder, by the way? I had been meaning to ask you but then we got caught up in cuddling."

"It's fine. I don't think it's going to get infected," Regulus added quickly, in case Remus was going to start about the antibiotics again.

o0o0o

Regulus found Mrs. Harris in the kitchen as she was preparing dinner. "Remus is eating with us," he said, gesturing to Remus who had followed him into the kitchen

"Oh how lovely," said Mrs. Harris, her dark face lighting up in a broad smile. "You're always welcome to eat with us, luv." She took out an extra piece of chicken and put it on the pan.

Remus craned his neck to look past Regulus at the food. "It looks very delicious, Mrs. Harris," he smiled and watched her put some vegetables into a pot.

"Thank you, dear. Regulus is very picky with his food, as you know."

"I'm not picky. I just won't pollute my body with junk," Regulus commented. "By the way, Mrs. Harris... I'm going to be in trouble when Mother comes back from Spain. I know she hasn't given up on making me take these pills. Could you perhaps lie for me and say you're feeding them to me in my food like she asked? Although, of course, you aren't."

Mrs. Harris turned to look at him sternly, her hands on her hips. "I would have liked for you to actually try to take those pills to see if they helped you with your anxiety, but I don't want you to get in trouble. I do, however, have a counter offer: I lie to your mother for you, and you try to cooperate with that therapist. Yes?"

"What?" said Regulus, a little taken aback. "But that bloke is completely incompetent! He has outrageous theories and he's annoying as hell."

"Well, it wouldn't hurt giving it a shot, would it? That is all I ask of you, and your mother will never know that you aren't getting your pills."

Regulus mumbled something unintelligible. He was already talking to the psychiatrist, because he was forced to go there, but 'making an effort?'

"Just think about it, dear," said Mrs. Harris. "One time and see how it goes."

They ate in the kitchen since it was just the brothers and Remus. Regulus liked it best this way, without their parents or Sirius' other friends. Sirius hung in over his plate, resting his head on his hand. He looked like someone who was ready to go straight to bed.

"Hard day?" asked Remus, smiling at Sirius.

"Yeah. I could use another holiday. When is the next one?"

"Well, Easter is in a month."

"A whole month! I'm not gonna make it that long," groaned Sirius.

Regulus found Remus' hand under the table and gave it a squeeze. He still felt bad about earlier. He was afraid that Remus was getting tired of being rejected all the time. It must be very frustrating for him to be led on and then pushed away again and again.

Remus looked down at their joined hands and sent Regulus a smile. "I guess I'll take the bus home today since you're so tired," he said to Sirius.

"No, I'll drive you."

"No, it's okay," smiled Remus. "The bus-stop is just around the corner. I'd like to stay a bit longer, and you look like you could use a bed right now."

"The bus is full of ill people," said Regulus, pinning Remus with his gaze." Let him drive you. He doesn't mind, do you, Sirius?"

"No, I don't mind. Like I just said."

Remus shook his head. "I'll just take the bus in a couple of hours. There won't be so many people by that time."

o0o0o

After dinner Remus and Regulus decided to watch a film. Remus sat on the bed with his back against the headboard, Regulus resting his head in his lap. Remus looked down and smiled while letting his fingers run through Regulus' soft hair. It made him feel warm inside being able to sit like this with his once so reserved boyfriend. He turned his attention towards the TV as he kept stroking the silky locks.

Regulus closed his eyes, enjoying the fingers carding through his hair. So he was getting alright with Remus touching his face and head as well. Why was it still so aversive for him when he touched his body? Regulus could not explain it. He supposed it would make perfect sense if he had been molested as a child as his therapist suspected, but that just wasn't the case. It had to be something else. Perhaps it was some genetic fuck-up, Regulus mused.

o0o0o

The next day Remus did not come to school. James texted him, asking where he was, and when there was still no answer two hours later he called the house.

"The Lupin residence," answered a woman.

"Mrs. Weasley?" asked James, understanding that this confirmed their suspicion that Remus was ill. "What's wrong with Remus this time?"

"I'm not sure," said Mrs. Weasley, sounding a bit concerned. "He wasn't feeling well this morning so his mother asked him to stay home from school."

Hearing the news, Regulus went straight to Remus' house after school. Mrs. Weasley let him in, automatically stepping out of the entrance hall, having learned by now that Regulus needed space.

Remus was half asleep when Regulus came into the room but opened his eyes and smiled weakly at him. "Hey," he said in a hoarse voice.

Regulus sat down next to the bed. "You shouldn't have taken the bus. Those bloody things are germ fests on wheels. You should have let Sirius drive you."

"Must have caught a cold, but honestly it's not so bad," mumbled Remus. "I ate some chicken soup and rested and I already feel loads better."

A/N: To see Zayhad's illustration to the chapter go to deviantart dot com and look up Zayhad. She has a folder in her gallery with the story's name on it.