Chapter 25 – I Want to Make a Deal with You
It was one of these rare evenings where both parents of the Black family were home in good time and wished to dine with their sons. The boys had been informed of this, but Regulus had either forgotten or chosen to forget it and fallen asleep on Remus' bed instead, so when Mr. and Mrs. Black sat down at the dinner table at seven, their youngest son's chair stood empty.
Walburga eyed the empty seat in displeasure. "Sirius, where is your brother?"
"The bloody boy is probably in his room not bothering to show us the courtesy of coming down on time," growled Orion.
Sirius bit his lip and checked his phone. He had texted Regulus a good hour ago, telling him it was time to turn his head towards home but he had still not gotten a reply. "He's out running," he said, trying to look convincing. "He had a stressful day at school and wanted to blow off some steam."
"He knew he was expected at dinner at seven," said Mrs. Black stiffly. "He has no business elsewhere. Call him on the phone and tell him he's in trouble and will get in even more trouble if he doesn't come home right this minute."
o0o0o
Regulus woke by the sound of his phone and cursed quietly as he found it in his pocket. "Sirius?" he hissed. "Why don't you just send a bloody text - you're waking Remus!"
"I did send you a bloody text an hour ago!" Sirius hissed back. "You were supposed to be home for family dinner at seven! Mum is furious. I told them you went for a run so you better get your arse home."
"Oh, bugger!" cursed Regulus. "Right, I'll be back in half an hour."
Remus sat up, looking groggy as Regulus hung up. "What's going on?"
"That was my brother. I forgot we're having a family dinner tonight so I have to get home asap. Sirius told them I was out running, so I better look the part. Do you have some running clothes I can borrow? Or just a sweat suit."
Remus blinked a couple of times and then nodded. "Yeah, I got some," he said and hurried over to his dresser and pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a shirt that looked good enough for running. He handed them to Regulus and sat down on his bed, feeling slightly dizzy from having woken so suddenly and having to jump out of bed. "I hope you won't get in too much trouble."
"Well, I'm used to it," said Regulus, pulling the sweatshirt over his head. "Don't worry. I don't care if I've ruined their evening."
o0o0o
Regulus rode his bike as fast as he could, working up a good sweat as well so he looked quite the part of having been out for a run. As soon as he closed the front door behind him, his mother's voice rang through the house.
"REGULUS! COME IN HERE THIS VERY INSTANT!"
Sirius sat in his seat looking irritated when Regulus walked in.
"So?" said Mrs. Black and gave her son the elevator look. "You were supposed to be at dinner at seven o'clock sharp and here you are half an hour late and all sweaty. Where have you been?"
"I was at a fancy tea party," said Regulus, his voice laced with sarcasm. "What do you think?" he continued, gesturing at his clothes.
"So you decided to go for a stroll just so you could miss out on dinner?"
"No, I just forgot. You'll have to pardon me, it's so very rare that you're actually home to eat, so it's an easy slip," said Regulus, turning towards the stairs.
"Where do you think you're going?" demanded Mrs. Black. "I hope it's to get out of those filthy rags and put on some decent attire. And you better throw those out! I thought you had better running clothes than that. A Black does not show himself in cheap rags!"
Regulus headed upstairs without another word. He was going to take his sweet time in the shower. By the looks of it they had finished the main course and would probably get started on dessert, and with any luck they would be done once he made it down.
As Regulus had hoped they were indeed done when he came back down. He steered into the kitchen where he quickly filled a plate of food and put it in the microwave oven.
"You shouldn't have any food at all," said Mrs. Black, dapping her lips with a napkin, when Regulus came into the dining room. "In fact you should go to bed hungry."
"Well, since you're done anyway there's no reason I should eat down here," said Regulus and headed for the stairs, his plate in hand. He could hear his mother yelling after him but chose to ignore her and went to his room.
"That boy drives me up the wall," said Walburga. "He's getting more disrespectful than his brother!" she continued, although Sirius was still sitting right there.
"He needs a good beating, is what he does," grumbled Orion. "He should have had it long ago."
"What a mature and civilised solution," scoffed Sirius. "Just beat him instead of being good parents."
"Watch it!" said Mr. Black, pointing at Sirius. "Your mother and I are slaving away to make enough money so you and your brother can live like the spoiled brats that you are!"
"Don't you think we would rather have proper parents?" said Sirius and got up. "I'm going to my room. Thanks for a wonderful family dinner," he said as he and went past his father.
"Sit down!" said Orion, stopping Sirius by the arm. "I want to talk to you about something."
Sirius sent him an irritated look but returned to his seat, slumping down on the chair as a ragdoll. "What?"
"There is a large fundraiser at Puddifoot Hall next Saturday. It's an important one, that we shouldn't miss," said Orion.
"Although frankly I couldn't care less about whatever bleeding-heart cause it is this time," snorted Mrs. Black.
"Yes, but we have to show. It's the respectful thing to do," continued Orion. "Anyway, I have to be at a conference in Vienna, so I would like you to escort your mother there. It would look better than if she came alone."
Sirius sat up straight, suddenly interested. A fundraiser? That was perfect! He could charm his way into several people's wallets at such a gathering. "Sure," he nodded and acted as if he could care less. "May I be excused now?"
His father waved him off and Sirius hurried upstairs to Regulus' room, knocking eagerly on the door. "Reggie! Open up!"
Regulus took a long moment before going to the door. He knew Sirius was going to complain about not being able to reach him and he wasn't in the mood for that.
"Mum and I are going to a fundraiser," Sirius said the moment the door was opened and he walked in. "That means people with loads of money just waiting to be charmed by me and our noble cause." He flashed his brother a grin and slung himself into a chair.
Regulus got so excited that he forgot to get angry with Sirius for walking in and using his furniture without an invitation. "That's bloody brilliant! But you will have to be careful. Mum can't notice. You will have to keep an eye on her."
"Yeah, I know. I'll try and keep my distance to Mum as much as possible. That won't look suspicious at all because that's what I always do," he snickered. He tapped his chin and thought for a moment. "Wouldn't it be good to have a picture of Remus to show the people? Just so they know what they are paying for? I know that's what they usually do at fundraisers. Plaster a billion pictures up so people feel sorry for them and tribute."
"Yes. Right. One where he looks ill. Perhaps one where he's in the hospital?" Regulus didn't know if such a picture existed, and he couldn't very well ask Remus. Perhaps his parents? But how would he explain such an odd request? He would have to figure something out.
"That would be great," agreed Sirius. "Really play on people's emotions. Everyone hates to see an ill child."
"Do you think they've cooled down by now?" asked Regulus suddenly.
"Yeah. They seemed pleased enough when I agreed on going to the fundraiser," nodded Sirius. "Why do you ask? Planning to go downstairs?"
"Need to talk to Mum," mumbled Regulus and hurried out of the room before Sirius could ask him about what. He found his mother in her favourite sitting room with a cup of tea and a brandy. She looked up at him, surprised.
Regulus sat down as close as he could tolerate (not close, but closer than he normally would) and eyed her with a determined expression to show her that he meant business. "I want to make a deal with you."
His mother put down her cup and looked at him. "Oh? What kind of deal?"
"I don't like Doctor Pfeiffer."
"So? What kind of deal do you mean to make by telling me you don't like Doctor Pfeiffer?"
"I'm not cooperating with him, as I'm sure you suspect. I don't like him and I don't trust him. But if I'm allowed to find another therapist, then I promise I will take it seriously and try to work with my... problems."
Mrs. Black's eyes lit up. "Oh? And where do you think you can find a therapist as good as Doctor Pfeiffer?" She hesitated and thought very carefully about it. "Alright. You can have another therapist."
"It will be one of my choice," said Regulus, looking his mother in the eye. "And you will not speak to him or her about me."
His mother was about to say something but decided not to. "Fine. I will leave it in your hands, but I expect to see results."
"Can't promise that. Only that I'll give it a serious try."
o0o0o
When Regulus returned to his room, Sirius sat with Regulus' phone and waved it at him. "Lover boy wrote you," he snickered and held the phone up. "What did you want with Mum?"
Red in the face, Regulus snatched his mobile out of his brother's hand and yelled, "What do you think you're doing, reading my texts? Have you no manners? And you got filthy hands too!" Regulus found some hand sanitizer and quickly applied some on a cloth before carefully wiping off his phone.
"I didn't read your text," snorted Sirius and crossed his arms. "I just saw that it said Remus on the display. Have you no faith in me?"
"Not much. You're not exactly famous for your tact," said Regulus, a little calmer. Then he opened the text.
Hey Regulus. I hope you're okay and that your parents did not yell too much. I miss you terrible already and wished you could have stayed. I sleep much better when you're here. Anyway, I love you 3
o0o0o
Regulus went with Remus home the next day. "When will your parents be home?" he asked.
"My father around six, I think. Mum has evening consultations so she won't be home till late."
"You look worn out, Remus," said Regulus, looking concerned. "Listen, why don't you take a hot bath? I'm sure it will do you good."
Remus looked at him a little surprised and put his bag down. "Um, sure. I guess that would do me some good," he smiled and leaned in for a kiss and then took off his jacket. "You can help yourself to tea in the kitchen if you want. I won't be long."
"Thank you. And just take your good time."
Regulus waited on the landing until he heard the water being turned off and Remus get into the tub. Then he went downstairs. He started in the living room, figuring that was the most likely place to keep the family photo albums. He was right - there they were, on a shelf by the fireplace. He hesitated before opening the first one. This was not decent behaviour. He was sure Remus would be more than happy to show him the photos, but that was no good - then Regulus wouldn't be able to steal one of them. He found a usable picture in the third album he went through. Remus was at least four younger than he was now, but who cared? He was in a hospital bed, and Regulus guessed that the younger he looked, the more sympathy he would get. He slipped the photo out of the album and, with a sting of bad conscience, stuck it into his pocket
About twenty minutes later, Remus emerged from the bathroom, looking very content. The hot water had made him relax so much that he had almost drifted off in the tub. He smiled at Regulus, who sat with a cup of tea in the living room, and dropped down next to him. Leaning in, he kissed his cheek and then rested his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes and taking in Regulus' scent.
"Remus... I was wondering if maybe you could ask your mother who's a good therapist. One who isn't an old fashioned stuck up prat."
Remus opened his eyes and looked up at him. "Sure. I can do that. My mum knows a lot of therapists." He smiled even wider and took Regulus' hand, intertwining their fingers. "So you decided to give it a go?"
"Yes... A woman, I think. I don't know why. I have this idea that they're more tolerant of gays. But I don't want her to be friends with your mother so they talk about me."
"They are not allowed to talk about you so you don't need to fear that, but I'll ask her to write down a few names for you," Remus said and caressed his hand.
o0o0o
It was with a knot in his stomach that Regulus went through the door to the waiting room of his new psychiatrist. There were three therapist sharing the building, so there were a few people in the waiting room. Regulus stopped in the doorway. There were several free chairs but none where its neighbour wasn't occupied, so Regulus went to stand by the window, the place furthest away from the other people.
An elderly woman smiled at him. "Why don't you sit here, luv?" she asked, patting the seat next to her. "There's no reason to stand when there are free seats."
"No," Regulus said simply, not bothering to come up with an excuse.
"There's nothing to be nervous about, luv," she continued, obviously interpreting Regulus' stand-offishness for nerves. "Doctor Bones is very nice. If she's who you're going to see." She got up and went over to Regulus, putting an encouraging hand on his shoulder.
"Keep your hands to yourself, woman!" shrieked Regulus as he jumped backwards, bumping into a set of bookshelves which fell over with a crash.
A door flew open and a secretary came rushing in, eying the knocked over bookshelf and the books that lay scattered all over the floor. Her eyes fell on the elderly woman who looked stunned and then at Regulus who stood against the wall in a defensive stand. "What happened here?" she asked in shock.
"I don't know. The boy knocked all the books over," the elderly woman said.
"It's alright," sounded a voice. "These things happen." A kind-looking woman in her forties stood in the doorway to one of the offices, smiling at Regulus. "Regulus Black? I'm Doctor Bones. If you would follow me then we can have a nice little chat."
Regulus walked to the office, his heart still pounding in his throat. What a great first impression. Why did people have to be such idiots? Why couldn't they just mind their own business?
The doctor closed the door behind him and motioned for him to take a seat. "So... Regulus," she started, sitting down across from Regulus. "Tell me a bit about yourself."
"It wasn't my fault," said Regulus defensively, still thinking about the incident in the waiting room. "It was that woman. She was crowding me. No tact at all."
Doctor Bones waved a hand dismissively. "Don't worry about that. Mrs. Figg believes everyone can be cured with a hug," she smiled. "But you don't like hugs, do you?"
"No. I don't like people touching me at all."
"Why is that?" Doctor Bones asked, folding her hands in her lap.
"I don't know. It just makes me anxious. I don't know why. But I wasn't molested as a child, so don't even go there," said Regulus, looking out the window behind the therapist so he didn't have to look her in the eye.
"I see. But do you want to be able to touch people?"
Regulus sighed. Then he told her how scared he truly was of physical contact, of germs, dirt and body fluids. How difficult it was for him to be anywhere but home. It was strange sitting here talking to someone about his problems - being truthful and actually acknowledging them as the problems they were. It was something he had never done before. Not even with Remus or his brother.
Doctor Bones listened closely without interrupting. "That sounds very exhausting," she said sympathetically when Regulus was done talking. She picked up her notepad and wrote a few things down. "I'm sure some medication could take the edge off your anxiety, but as I understand it you don't wish to take any pills?"
"No medicine," said Regulus, shaking his head violently. "It's poison. I only take it in life threatening situations"
"I understand. It was just a suggestion so your mind could have a break from all the anxiety you have. But we can do the therapy without the medication, if that's what you prefer." She made a few more notes. "Well, if I am to help you I would like to know more about you, Regulus. Hobbies and such. People in your life. Friends? Family? Do you have any siblings?"
"Yes. My big brother. He's two years older than me. He's... Well, he's a pain in the bum most of the time to be honest, but he's alright. At least he likes me. Unlike our parents. They hate both of us and it's quite mutual."
"Your parents hate you?" Doctor Bones asked. She put her notepad down and tried to gain eye contact with Regulus, but when she couldn't, she asked in a mild voice. "Do your parents hurt you?"
"Not really... They don't beat us, if that's what you mean. Well, an occasional slap but nothing worse. But they're nasty. My mother will grab me when she's angry and that freaks me out. She just doesn't get that she's just making it worse. My brother usually steps in when things get out of hand. He takes a lot of heat off me. He's… yeah, I know I'm lucky to have him even though he can be a pain."
"I bet he means a lot to you," said the therapist and leaned back in her seat. "Well… I think we should leave your eating habits alone for now. That problem isn't so pressing. Besides, it's good to be healthy." She sent him a smile and a wink. But your fear of touch and germs needs to be addressed, don't you agree? It makes your life very difficult, and if you want to have a relationship one day it's quite problematic to be afraid of touch and germs."
Regulus swallowed. It was so uncomfortable opening up like this to someone, even though it was a stranger, someone who didn't know him and was sworn to keep the conversation private. But there was a reason he had come here and he might as well bite the bullet and get on with it. "That's... That's actually why I've come here. I have a boyfriend and I can't... I can't stand him touching me."
"Oh?" The doctor looked surprised. She adjusted her glasses. "So he can't touch you at all? How strong are your feelings for him?"
"I... I love him," mumbled Regulus as if it were something to be embarrassed about. "A lot. Otherwise I wouldn't bother. I'm fine with him touching me some places, like hands, arms and face. It was very hard at first but now it's ok, almost nice. I like touching him, though. I wish I could enjoy it when he touches me too. It's strange... I like being close to him - something I've never felt before - but the actual touching is the problem. And even though he's very nice and patient I can tell he wants it badly."
"Have you tried going very slowly?" she asked. "If you rush things your anxiety will not have time to accommodate."
"We have gone slow. But we've come to a place I just can't seem to get past. We've been there forever. I can't stand him touching me under my clothes. I just can't. I freak out."
"I see," Doctor Bones nodded and took another few notes. "How did you get to the point where he could touch your hands and face without a problem? With patience, I'm sure, and that's what you need to keep at. Get used to his touch each place until you move on to the next. Focus on one thing at a time, otherwise you will get overwhelmed. What would you like him to do to you? What do you think would feel good for you?"
"I... When I fantasise about it, I want him to touch me i-intimate places. But when it comes to reality, I don't."
"I suggest that you start out with the little things. Let him touch a semi-safe area and then he can withdraw his hand again. You could watch a movie while he caresses you places you're comfortable with at first."
"Porn?" asked Regulus, stunned. "Absolutely not. That's filthy!"
"I didn't say porn," she laughed. "I said a movie. Something relaxing. Perhaps a comedy." She checked her watch. "I'm positive that we can make this work, Regulus, but you will need to push your boundaries. And you will need to do it at a pace you can keep up with."
"I'm just... I'm afraid I'll never be able to have sex, and I'm afraid that he'll get tired of waiting at some point and leave me. I really need to make this work. And soon."
She looked at him for a moment. "Has your boyfriend given you any reason to believe he's getting tired of waiting?"
"No, he… he keeps saying that he'll wait forever if that's how long it takes, but he's just a very nice person, so I don't think he would tell me if he was in fact getting tired of me. He must be frustrated, at least. And even the nicest person has his limits, you know."
"How long have you been together and how did you meet?"
"About half a year. He's my brother's friend from school. He started after the summer. I didn't want anything to do with him at first but he kept pestering me until I gave in. I told him to find someone else and that I couldn't do boyfriend things because I don't like touch. He said he only wanted me and he didn't care if we couldn't do normal boyfriend things. I didn't understand. I still don't."
Doctor Bones adjusted her glasses. "It sounds to me like this boy really loves you and will do whatever it takes. If that wasn't the case, do you really think he would still be around? You didn't promise anything you couldn't deliver. He knew what he was getting himself into. I think you should listen to him and trust what he's telling you."
"I do. But who's to know how he will feel in the future? He might get tired of waiting and leave me." Regulus could feel panic stirring in his stomach just by talking about it. "I can't let that happen! I wouldn't be able to deal with it!"
Doctor Bones raised a calming hand. "Take it easy, Regulus. Nobody is talking about anybody leaving. Unless your boyfriend has said anything about this, there's no reason to fear it. Besides, you cannot push yourself into activities you aren't ready for. You have to do things because you like it, and not because you fear for the consequences of not doing them." When Regulus did not look appeased, she continued, "Regulus, there is no need to be in such a hurry to have sex. You are barely seventeen. Lots of seventeen-year-olds are virgins and that's not a bad thing at all."
"I was not planning on having sex right now, but I'm worried because with the speed I'm moving at I will be thirty before I get that far. It's not fair on Remus."
Doctor Bones sat contemplating for a while. "Perhaps you could try a different approach. Sometimes changing the setting helps. Instead of cuddling on the bed you could take a shower together." When Regulus looked terrified, she added, "I don't mean naked. At least not at first. You could both wear trunks. This way you could get a good look at each other and you could practise the touching at a comfortable pace."
Regulus considered it for a second. "Yeah… Perhaps. Perhaps we could try that.
A/N: To see Zayhad's illustration to the chapter go to deviantart dot com and look up Zayhad. She has a folder in her gallery with the story's name on it.