The Spectacular Spider-Harem

by Diablo Ex Machina

Left broken after a large number of emotional traumas, a meeting with a pop-culture loving, cosmically-empowered, blogger babe causes Peter's life to take an interesting turn. You ever wonder just how big a harem can get before it starts to get ridiculous? Well Spidey is about to find out the answer to that question! Discontinued. Reboot Canceled!

3. Cast in the Name of God, Ye Not Guilty

Chapter 3 - Cast In The Name of God, Ye Not Guilty

"Thirteen days." Peter sighed tiredly as he put his civilian shirt on over his Spider-Man outfit.

"My favorite number." Felicia purred contentedly from his bed, a warm afterglow around her, with only a bed sheet preserving her modesty. "But what are you mumbling about it for?"

"Oh! Felicia." Peter jumped nervously. "You're still here, which means last night actually happened." He didn't know whether to feel happy or upset about that, but he certainly did feel much more energized. 'Thank you Tantric Energy.' He thought secretly, glad that the extra energy was keeping him from fainting in shock.

"It certainly did." Felicia grinned like the Cheshire Cat as she slinked impishly out of bed, bringing a vivid red blush to Peter's face. "What's the matter, Spider? Cat got your tongue? Or maybe something else?"

"Is it too late for me to get back in the shower?" Peter asked nervously. "Because I could really use a cold one right about now."

"Aw, you showered without me?" Felicia pouted as she began putting on her catsuit, deliberately being as slow in the process as possible.

"I guess I just figured you may not be interested." Peter offered sheepishly. "You know what they say about cats and water."

"Some species of cats actually spend a good portion of their lives hunting in the water." Felicia countered easily. "But enough with the foreplay, or is it afterplay? I can't really tell. Anyway, what was that you were saying about thirteen days?"

"Oh, that." Peter winced, the thought obviously painful for him. "Well, it's just that it's been thirteen days since Gali came into my life, and turned it all completely upsidedown practically overnight."

"And you're worried about a little thing like that?" Felicia chuckled as she finished slipping on her outfit. "You never struck me as the superstitious type. Besides, so what if it's been thirteen days since you first met and partied with the daughter of the most feared being in the universe? Do you always expect bad things to happen thirteen days after you meet someone new?"

"I don't always expect bad things," Peter explained. "It's just that, well, I'm not exactly what you would call 'lucky'."

"Define 'lucky'." Felicia asked skeptically.

*Spider-Sense!*-Be very careful with your word choice!

"Well..." He hesitated, not wanting the very attractive woman he got 'lucky' with just last night to get the wrong idea. "Ever since I got my spider powers, I've found that it really doesn't pay for me to get my hopes up. Every time things seem to be going good for me, something big comes along and ruins everything. Take us for example-"

*Spider-Sense!*-Reverse! Reverse!

"Hang on, just hear me out before you try to claw my face off." Peter held his hands up defensively. "Things are going really well between us, and not just us, but there's also Liz, Gwen, and even Gali, once you get past her eccentricities. But for all that's going right in my life-and believe me, more is going right for me now than ever before-there's also... other things to think about." He remarked hesitantly.

"You're worried about that Osborn kid, aren't you?" Felicia sighed, both happy and sad that she was able to read her boyfriend so easily.

"How can I not be?" Peter sighed as he leaned back against his desk. "I know you only saw his worst side a few days ago, but Harry and I go way back, I can't help but worry, especially now that he's in juvie."

"Peter, his choices aren't your fault." Felicia reassured him as she gently rubbed his arms.

"Maybe they are, in a way." Peter remarked, his eyes downcast. "Do you know what the staff of the Juvenile Hall said about him when I went to go see him three days ago? They said he was suffering some kind of withdrawal symptoms, and his blood tests came back positive for a drug they'd never seen before."

Felicia knew what he was implying, she'd been told about the formula that Harry used to juice up his strength to make the football team, and about how it increased tempers and irrationality. Still, she wasn't gonna let a good man mope around about it, especially when she knew firsthand how sensitive he was to unfair accusations. "Peter, it's not your fault that he relapsed. If he couldn't deal with the hardships in his life without some dangerously unstable chemicals to numb the pain, then he got exactly what he deserved."

"Even if he was in pain because of me?" He asked doubtfully. "For days, he thought his father was dead because of me, only to find out he wasn't in the harshest way possible, again, because of me. Then, Gwen dumps him because I showed that video of him manipulating her. I know it wouldn't have been fair to Gwen if I'd just kept quiet, but I should have found some way to get his lies to end without stooping to his level, or hurting him anymore than he already was; but maybe part of me wanted to hurt him, to give him that one last push over the edge that he clearly didn't need. I should have-mmph!" He was cut off as Felicia gave him a brief, but deep kiss.

"Better?" Felicia asked when they had parted, getting a brief but uncertain nod from Peter in return. "Good, because now that you're done pointing out all the reasons this is your fault, I'm going to point out all the reasons this isn't your fault. First of all," She began counting off on her fingers. "It was the Goblin's call to fake his death and traumatize both you and his son, you had nothing to do with that. Second, when you put that web sign up, you were drunk off your ass, and grieving more than usual. Third, even if you weren't drunk, you still would have put that sign up, because it was the best way to let people know that Osborn was still out there, and still being a monster. Fourth, when you let Gwen know what Harry was up to, you weren't stooping to his level, and you weren't doing it just to enjoy it-though no one would blame you if you did. You were just showing everyone what level he was already at, and if you hadn't, Gwen would still be dating a manipulative jerk, she wouldn't have powers, and you wouldn't have access to police radio and files through her dad, which would have made your many assaults against Tombstone's crew over the last week impossible. Seriously, have you seen how much fun she has beating up thugs in that costume? She's even started quipping for crying out loud." She joked, managing to get a laugh out of Peter.

"Yeah, she is pretty good at it, both the fighting, and the quipping." He grinned as he recalled how much they riled up Tombstone's thugs when they raided one of his weapon caches two nights ago, those guys looked two seconds away from turning themselves in just to get away from the horrible jokes. "And we have been getting closer and closer to shutting down his operations for good lately."

"My sentiments exactly." Felicia smiled, happy to see a spark of happiness return to Peter's face. "And don't forget the raid we pulled off yesterday, you know the one."

"That reminds me," Peter stared skeptically at Felicia. "You did leave all the jewelry for the police to pick up, right?"

"Ask me no questions, and I will tell you no lies." The cat burglar danced around the subject, subtly inching towards the window as she did.

"Felicia." Peter remarked sternly.

"Oh, come on!" She pouted as she reached into her cleavage, and pulled out a very nice necklace with more than a dozen jewels of various sizes embedded in it. "It's just one little necklace, the police will reimburse the jewelry store for it, and you know I wouldn't be your favorite pussy if I didn't skim something off the top." The innuendo was not lost of Peter, who felt a powerful shiver go up his spine.

"Okay, new rule. Sex related quips are for use in foreplay only, no morning after stuff unless we both have a free day, which I do not." He wasn't saying this be rude, a prude, on time for school, or a stickler for the rules, but because of the simple fact that he knew very intimately what she was capable of, and how little control he'd have over himself if she really got going. "Now, if you'll just be on your way, I'd very much not like to have to explain to my aunt what the world's hottest thief is doing in my bedroom in a catsuit."

"Only if I get to keep the necklace." His favorite pussy grinned.

"Deal." Peter accepted without hesitation, wanting to put off explaining his situation to his aunt as long as possible. It's not like the necklace had actually belonged to anyone, and it would also serve as a more expensive present for her than he could ever afford himself.

"And anything else I can nick without you noticing on future raids."

"Don't press your luck." He remarked firmly as he ushered her out the window, though she happily noted he didn't explicitly say no.

"Alright, alright, I'm going." She chuckled playfully. "But really now, sending me out the window like you're ashamed of me? A real gentleman would escort a lady to the door and introduce her to his aunt, and I even picked out such a nice present for her." She pouted as she gave him a DVD case with a little bow on it

"We both know flipping across rooftops is more your style, and that you love this kinky stuff." Before she began bounding home across the rooftops however, Peter remembered something important. "By the way, before I forget how have you been managing your acrobatics ever since... you know?" He hesitated, not knowing the safest way to broach the subject, if such a way even existed.

"You mean since my cans got bigger?" Apparently there was such a way, if Felicia's casual reference to her new, more vivacious figure was anything to go by. "Pretty well actually, I've found that they serve as excellent ballasts." With that and a flirty wink as her goodbye, she was gone without a sound.

"...And now I'll never be able to hear the word ballast again without feeling all kinds of weird." He sighed as he took a casual look at the case Felicia had given him. Noticing that it had a small note attached, he decided that even if it was a joke, it would be best to check the contents of the gift before deciding whether to actually give it to Aunt May, or throw it away and possibly burn it in shame and embarrassment. "Dear May Parker, Pete said you were having heart problems, hope this helps. Signed, F.H" Removing the bow, Peter saw that it was a DVD of yoga exercises, highly recommended by doctors, especially for the elderly and those with heart conditions, and still in the original cellophane, so it couldn't be some kind of gag gift. Not that Peter didn't trust Felicia, she just had her own way of doing things, and being an incredibly thoughtful girlfriend was apparently one of them.

"I let her keep a stolen necklace worth at least a few grand, she gives my aunt a yoga video, and yet somehow I feel like the cheep one." He grinned as he leaned out the window, unaware he was being watched by sinister forces.

---

Across the Street - Rooftops

X-23 did not consider herself an impatient person. For that matter, she did not even really consider herself much of anything, except maybe a weapon or a wild animal. However, she did have limits, and holding out on a hit due to a frugal contractor wasting over a week negotiating a price that suited him was one of three things that had crossed them on this job alone. So, even though her handlers were supposed to keep her under constant guard so that she did not run away, thus wasting the millions of dollars and almost twenty years that went into making her the greatest weapon on the planet, she still found time and openings to sneak away from her handlers for a few hours at a time at least once a day. Ironically, the skills she used to sneak away were the same ones they had spent her whole life drilling into her head.

Of course, just because she could sneak away did not mean that she knew what to do with herself once she was on her own. She considered that little fact a deliberate part of her training. After all, even if she ran away, she did not no how to properly live in a society of people. She would be able to live indefinitely in the wild with her survival training and natural instincts, but every time that thought came to her it was soon pushed away by the fact that a forest without people allowed for much quicker, harsher, and more conspicuous search and retrieval methods.

So, with nothing else to do, X-23 found herself spying on the superhero who would soon, hopefully, be her target. She had nothing against him personally, but waiting for her handlers to haggle a price that suited them got boring really fast, especially when the process lasted more than a few hours. Honestly, this is the first time prices and terms went on for more than a day, which was surprising, as her handlers usually got tired of hagglers really quickly. Whoever was hiring them this time had to be a genius negotiator.

'Likely some form of businessman.' X-23 thought to herself. 'Judging by recent newspapers and the timing, most probably this Norman Osborn person that Spider-Man slandered two weeks ago.' Clearing the errant thoughts from her head, she continued to observe Spider-Man, whom she had discovered several days ago was also a high school student named Peter Parker. It had not been too hard for her to find him, given that she already had his scent from when they first met in passing several days ago.

'I bet all of his enemies wish they had my sense of smell.' She choked out a very quick and brief laugh at the thought, scolding herself harshly for letting up her self-control for even a second. That was the second thing she disliked about this job. Even though she was following Spider-Man of her own free will, and was therefor under no obligation to continue, his abysmal sense of humor and mannerisms were infectious, yet addictive. The more she observed him, the more she found herself slipping colorful observations into her thoughts. Where once her only thoughts on her main handler Kimura were; cruel, sadistic, strong, indestructible, and merciless, there were now also thoughts like PMSing, The Unjolly Red Giant, or Tomatoface, none of which were actual words, or even all that clever. This was a severe distortion in her otherwise rigorous and stalwart mind. And while the logical 99% of her mind refused to allow this, the 1% of remaining feral instinct that had not been beaten or trained out of her found the irregularity Spider-Man created in her mind very pleasing.

This led directly to the third thing she hated about this job, which ironically was also the only thing she actually like about it, and one of the few things she ever liked in general. Against her better judgment, she found Spider-Man and his civilian persona Peter Parker to be curious and likable. As Peter he was quiet, overly polite, and somewhat introverted, yet easily approachable, while as Spider-Man he was irritatingly chatty, with little brain-to-mouth filter, extremely extroverted, and impossible to get rid of, no matter how much everyone tried. There was also the fact that he had a tendency to surround himself with several mates, all of whom were willing and even somewhat enthusiastic at the prospect of sharing him as a lover. She may not know much, if anything, about romantic relationships, but she understood that only an alpha could gather so many mates around him without creating friction in the hierarchy. Her feral instincts made her consider what it might be like to be part of it, to be part of something bigger than herself, a pack with whom she would be cared for and pleased as Spider-Man pleased his mates. Of course, things she liked had a tendency to end up taken from her, usually quite violently, at the hands of her creators and handlers. It was especially true in this case, as she knew Spider-Man was her target, yet her subconscious still insisted on learning more about him as a person, rather than as a target, which would make it that much more painful for her to eventually kill him.

It goes without saying at this point that her life thus far has been wrought with pain and suffering that would have broken most people. For every success she had, she was beaten and derided for not doing better, for every time she met their guidelines, she was punished for not exceeding them, for every bit of joy or satisfaction she found in life, her handlers found a way to break it beyond repair. They had even forced her to kill her martial arts sensei Tanaka-one of the only two people to ever treat her with anything approaching human decency-by lacing his katana with her trigger scent-a chemical compound that she was conditioned to fly into a blind feral rage upon smelling.

Sharking all thoughts from her head, she realized that she had been gone for long enough that her handlers would be coming to check on her soon. Without missing a beat, she turned away from the house, pausing only once for a passing glance over her shoulder, and sped off to return before she got in trouble, unaware she was being watched by sinister forces.

---

Evening - Rented Office Space

"I've got good news for you, pet." Kimura said mockingly as she held the beaten form of X-23 up roughly by her neck. "I know you've been getting restless these past few days, lord knows I have too, but there's no need to stay here for much longer now." Throwing X-23 roughly across the room and into a wall, which was already stained with some of the young clone's blood, she laughed as she watched her struggle to work through the massive amount of pain she was in to get back up. "A price and method has finally been agreed on, and we, or more precisely you, are going to take Spider-Man out tonight."

"Hooray." X-23 grunted sarcastically as she managed to pull herself up.

"Aw, and here I thought you'd be more excited," Kimura trolled evilly. "After all, I know all about where you've been sneaking out to these last few days."

"How did you-rrgha!" X-23 grunted as Kimura landed a solid right hook to her face, sending her flying into the wall again.

"So you have been sneaking out! You little bitch!" Kimura grinned maliciously as she forced the staggering young mutant into a standing position before punching her in the gut. "I was just bluffing, but you cave way too easily! I'll be honest, that beating before was just because I suspected something was up, but now that I know for sure, I'm gonna break you twice as hard!" Pulling X-23 harshly by the hair, she threw her back into the wall, the tormentor clearly having a preference for that particular spot for whatever twisted reason. "What's the matter, pet? Life here at Weapon-X ain't good enough for ya?"

Though she normally gave up in any confrontation with her indestructible handler after a while, a spark of rebellion that is usually stamped out by now was burning just as strong, if not intensely stronger than it ever did. For the first time since she could remember, X-23 didn't feel like giving up when she knew she was beat. Quite the contrary, something insider her, a small voice she'd never had or noticed before told her that so long as she kept fighting, never giving up, she'd find a way out. She didn't know why she responded the way she did, but in hindsight, she'd credit her response to the influence that stalking Spider-Man had on her. "Actually, I was just going to ask you to aim a little lower. My lumbar isn't feeling so good right now."

"Did you seriously just talk back to me?!" Kimura seethed furiously as she cracked her knuckles. "Seems I haven't beaten all the rebellion out of you yet." Rearing her arm back, she slammed a haymaker right into the face of her victim, sending her back into the wall yet again.

"Is that all you got?" X-23 grinned through the pain as she got back up, her subconscious sending her images she recalled from watching Spider-Man and his pack over the last eleven days. "I thought you were supposed to be tough, not some big red blowhard."

"THAT'S IT!" Kimura shouted as she charged at X-23. However, X-23 had anticipated this response, and spat blood in her eyes mid-charge, sending the blinded woman careening through the wall she'd been slamming the young mutant into before.

"And here I thought seeing red was just an expression." X-23 grinned as her injuries began to mend themselves, glad that using blood to blind enemies was just as effective as webs.

"You're making jokes?!" Kimura seethed as she easily got up and wiped the blood from her eyes. "I thought your target was the one who made horrible jokes in the face of certain death. Have you been talking to him too?!"

"Nope." The still staggering feral remarked, trying to stall for as much time as she could to let her injuries heal. "He just has a really infectious personality."

"Aww, does the widdle pet have feelings for her next mark?" Kimura asked mockingly as she trudged forward menacingly.

Reading the body language of the red-skinned monster, X-23 saw a potential opening and pressed it for all it was worth. "So what if I do?" She retorted tauntingly, causing Kimura to freeze in her tracks.

"What did you just say?" Kimura hissed furiously.

"I am not saying anything." X-23 seized the opening, putting into practice all she had seen of one of Spider-Man's favorite tactics. Riling up enemies and hoping for the best. "Who I want to spend time with is my business, not yours. You do not own me."

"Oh yes I do!" Roaring as she tried to grab the much smaller girl, Kimura was sent tumbling when X-23 suddenly collapsed into a twisted pile of limbs that easily tripped her up.

"Thank you for being stupid." The young girl remarked as her long broken confidence and her recently broken body rapidly healed, though she knew she still needed to buy more time. "I am finding it much easier to deal with you now. Ha ha ha." She laughed in a mocking monotone.

"Laugh at me, will you?!" Kimura growled as she got up and pressed a panic button on her wristwatch, bringing in several armed guards. "Let's see how the mutant freak fares when I've got numbers on my side!"

'Not good.' X-23 silently panicked as she was quickly backed into a small kitchen, the many guns trained on her position causing her hopes of escape to plummet. 'I was outmatched before, but now there is no way out. At least I know they will not kill me, I am too valuable of an investment to them. I can just try again later... I hope.'

Let it be known that Peter Parker, and anyone who associates with him in any way, tend to have very bad luck. Friends, enemies, casual acquaintances, stalkers, complete strangers, everyone even remotely associated with the (in)famous wall-crawler tends to have a rotten run of luck, except, ironically, for the people around him most deserving of a bad run of luck. Maybe the universe just hates Peter, maybe there's some divine grand plan that will only work out if Peter's life is absolutely horrible, maybe there's a giant conspiracy with Peter's misery as the linchpin, maybe someone out there is just a straight up sadist with no sense of morality or decency. Whatever the case, or whoever's behind it, failed to account for one thing.

It may have been coincidence that the Weapon-X project rented office space in the same building as a notorious crime ring. It may have been coincidence that this crime ring had made some very dangerous enemies recently. It may have been coincidence that these dangerous enemies didn't give a crap about laws, legal procedure, or even their own well-being and safety. It may have been a coincidence that the police got an anonymous tip that the building was currently being attacked by those very dangerous enemies. It may have been a coincidence that Spider-Man and Spider-Girl were listening to police radios when the call went out. It may have been a coincidence that all these seemingly unrelated coincidences were happening at the same time as X-23 was trying to make her escape. It may have been a coincidence, but it wasn't; fate, or whatever you want to call it, was not nearly so kind as to allow all these things to happen all at once, but something far more powerful than fate had arranged for all these things to be so, and fate was just gonna have to suck it up and take it like a man. What was this greater power, and why was it getting involved, you may ask? The answer is simplicity itself.

Galacta can be a violently protective girlfriend.

Just as Kimura was about to close in and violently reestablish the pecking order, X-23 ducked low to the ground with her head covered in a turtle position. Thinking that her favorite victim had just given up and settled for trying as best she could to minimize the pain, the cocky sadist grinned as she began plotting all the ways to make her suffer for thinking she could escape, unaware in her arrogance that the young mutant had crouched down for an entirely different reason.

"What's the matter, little freak?" Kimura grinned as she pulled out a gun. "Afraid to take your-" She got no further in her taunting, as the live grenade that only X-23 had spotted rolling into the center of the crowd of guards just seconds before went off, blowing all of the guards into bloody chunks, and sending the invulnerable Kimura hurdling through the wall, and out into the streets, where she screamed all the way from the seventh floor to the pavement.

As the dust began to settle, X-23 hesitantly raised her head and glanced around. Because the ringing in her ears was minimized due to having kept them covered, she was able to hear several voices cutting through the dust.

"I don't think this was his office." A gruff and gravely male voice remarked.

"They were armed, thuggish, and the girl was in trouble." A cold and stern female voice noted sarcastically. "This neighborhood is Hell's Kitchen, is it any wonder the same building is being used by multiple gangster crews? Hey!" She protested as a familiar thwip cut through the air and pulled something metal to the ground with a clatter.

"Okay, I know this is a bad neighborhood and everything, but setting off bombs in an office building filled with armed thugs is a bit much." Another, more gentle and unsettled female voice remarked in disgust.

"And yet, I can't help but get the impression that these two are just as surprised by all the-now painfully dead-armed thugs as we are." A stern a judgmental male voice that X-23 would recognize anywhere remarked, causing her to look up in a bizarre mixture of shock and delight as she was pulled to her feet and ushered behind a very welcome male figure clad in a spider-style red and blue suit, as well as an equally welcomed female figure garbed in a similar outfit of black and white with a hood. "Hey there, are you gonna be okay?" He asked worriedly.

X-23 could only nod as her gaze shifted from the web-slinging duo, to the pair of heavily armed killers garbed in black shirts with stylized skulls painted on them, and back again. "God... I am sorry I ever doubted your existence." The young mutant spoke to the sky, unable to find any possible explanation for the sudden and impossibly fortuitous turn of events other than divine intervention.

"You're welcome!" A happy female voice responded from everywhere, yet nowhere, scaring everyone in the room into complete silence.

"Frank... do you think that was actually..." The armed redhead hesitantly questioned her gruff, testosterone fueled partner.

"It wasn't," Spider-Man groaned as he and Spider-Girl simultaneously slapped their faces in exasperation. "Believe me, I know."

"You know God?" X-23 turned to Spider-Man in shock and awe, her respect for her sort of crush skyrocketing.

"That wasn't God." Spider-Man denied bluntly. "Believe me, if it was, I'd have a few choice words to say to him, or her, or it, or whatever it is God is."

"I don't believe in God, but if I did, I'd share your sentiment." Frank Castle aka The Punisher remarked gruffly. "And we're wasting time here. Rachel, let's get going before Poulsen decides to make a break for it." Just as the duo was about to make a break for it however, Spider-Man and Spider-Girl webbed up the only door out.

"And just where do you two think you're going?" Spider-Man questioned. "Besides a jail cell for two, that is."

"Spider-Man, let them go." The voice interjected as the web blocking the door spontaneously burst into flames, allowing the Punishers to make a break for it.

"What the-?! Gali!" Spider-Man protested as he, Spider-Girl, and X-23 sprinted after them. "What was that for? And why is this girl following us? There are so many things wrong with what's happening right now."

"I am not sure why I am following you." X-23 answered, just as confused by her own actions as Spider-Man. "A reflex?" She guessed uncertainly.

"I let them go because their actions are something you need to see." Gali explained apologetically. "I'm sorry if murder isn't your solution, but you need to understand that it is a solution, as well as how it works."

"I know how murder works," Spider-Man insisted crossly as the sound of gunfire coming from the next floor up prompted the trio to rush up the stairs. "It's a horrible thing that does nothing but cause pain, and can never be undone. And will you stay here?!" He turned to X-23 in exasperation. "It's gonna get crazy up there, and civilians shouldn't get-" He stopped short when the young mutant unsheathed the talons in her right hand and ran them across her left arm, holding up her arm to let the two Spiders watch it heal in seconds. "-And I guess that doesn't apply to you, does it?"

"I was trained for years to be an expert assassin." X-23 remarked casually, though upon seeing the horrified expressions on the masks of the Spiders-and making a mental note to ask how they did that-she amended her statement. "It was not by choice." Her bitter tone in the remark seemed to satisfy the Spiders for the moment.

"We can split hairs about this later." Spider-Girl said to focus her male counterpart. "Right now we have to stop the Punishers."

"Fine," Spider-Man relented. "But no killing anyone." He strictly instructed X-23.

"I make no promises." X-23 deadpanned as she rushed past the Spiders and into the fray, casually slashing the gun hand off of a thug that was about to shoot her.

"This is not going to end well. At all." Spider-Girl frowned as she and Spider-Man flipped into the shoot out, both of them using their Spider-Sense to avoid the many guns going off around them, and trace them back to the thugs firing them, quickly knocking them out with a quick punch to the temple each, and breaking their guns. Doing their best to keep their lunch down whenever they caught a glimpse of a man that had a hole in his head, or screaming his head off with half an arm missing, the Spiders quickly caught up with the Punishers.

"Finally we can put an end to this!" Spider-Man expressed in relief as he and Spider-Girl caught the murderous duo in a pincer attack. "Alright you two, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, take your pick!" He declared harshly.

"This doesn't concern you stupid kids." The redhead-Rachel, Spider-Man remembered The Punisher calling her-remarked blithely as she drew a handgun on the young man. Oddly enough, his Spider-Sense didn't register any danger to himself even as she pulled the trigger.

"Wait, what did you just shoot at?" Spider-Man questioned in confusion when a pained groan from behind him caught his attention. Curiosity getting the better of him, he dared to glance back and saw a thug he'd webbed up just seconds ago bleeding out. At once, Spider-Man understood exactly what happened; the gun didn't set off his Spider-Sense like he was used to because it wasn't aimed at him in the first place, and thus wasn't a threat to him, but the dying man behind him wasn't so lucky. "You monster!" He roared as he lunged at Rachel in his rage, disregarding the entrapping formation and giving The Punisher an opening to slip past Spider-Girl as she tried to regain control alone. "He was already beaten! He wasn't a threat to anyone anymore!"

"You're too naive." Rachel huffed coldly as she parried his punches, responding with a narrowly missed knife slash to the gut. "People like these are a threat to everyone until the day they die, I'm just expediting the process."

"This isn't right!" He countered hotly as he swiped at her feet, which she backed up to dodge before responding with a gunshot aimed at his shoulder. "They may be criminals, but they're still living people! They have rights and feelings, you can't just kill them because you have some petty beef with them!"

"Petty!" Rachel shouted hotly as she pulled out a shotgun and fired, one of the pellets barely nicking him on the arm and eliciting a wince. "Do you have any idea what these bastards have done to me! To everyone!" Throwing a grenade in her rage, Peter's Spider-Sense blared off so crazy that he instinctively dived at her, throwing them both to the floor as he noticed too late what letting that explosive slip by had done.

"NO!" Peter shouted in despair as bits of debris began settling, much of it heavily coated with blood. He couldn't save them. Even though they were criminals they didn't deserve this, and he could have saved them! It was too late; he couldn't undo the past, but he knew who he could take it out on. "YOU!" He yelled furiously as he slammed Rachel into the ground with all the rage he could muster and only the bare minimum amount of restraint needed to not permanently injure her. "What did I just say?! What is your grudge against these people?! What could possibly justify all of this senseless destruction and death?!"

"It's not senseless," Rachel seethed furiously. "And I have plenty that can and does justify my actions. Every single one of these criminals in complicit in the deaths of everyone who ever meant anything to me!"

"They what?" Peter gasped breathlessly, for the briefest of moments seeing a shadow of his own reasons for being a hero in her before quickly pushing down that feeling. He couldn't bare the thought of having anything in common with cold-blooded killers. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't you read the papers?" Rachel barked out a humorless laugh. "Six months ago, The Coles-Alves Wedding Massacre, ringing any bells?"

'No way...' Peter could only stare in shock as realized who she was. How could he not? The tragedy that occurred that day was the headline of every paper in the country and several outside of it the next morning after all. It was so tragic, depraved, and unspeakably horrible that you'd have to be some weirdo still living in a Y2K bunker to not have heard of it. A war hero returning from Afghanistan marries her long time lover, a skilled surgeon, and no more than two hours after they make their vows some criminals shot up the whole reception. Men, women, children, elderly, it didn't matter to the parties behind it, every single person attending that wedding was shot dead, and the sole survivor was the once blushing bride.

A bride who had just taken her husbands' name, becoming Rachel Alves.

"Oh my God..." Peter retreated in shock and regret. "You were... and they were... and I was... and he, and she, and..." He was so shocked, broken, and conflicted that he barely noticed the poor unfortunate woman casually get up and dust herself off.

"I hope I've made myself clear." Rachel glared at him coldly, causing him to recoil in fear. "Now if you'll excuse me, there's one more person here I have to kill before the night is up."

"Wait!" Peter called out reflexively. "I... I just wanna say..." He paused to swallow the bile welling up in his throat. "I'm sorry." He muttered pathetically.

"What for?" Rachel asked coldly as she casually strolled forward on her quest for revenge. "It wasn't you that shot up my wedding and killed everyone I ever knew and loved."

"I know that." Peter sighed as he meekly followed after her. "What I'm apologizing for is that I tried to... what I said about you being petty... this is really hard for me to say." He sighed tiredly, suddenly feeling ten years older as he casually threw an armless thug that tried to charge him, not even bothering to try and interfere as Rachel blew his brains out.

"Don't worry, I get it." She reassured him with a flippant attitude as she pulled a doubletap on a groaning and webbed up thug she passed. "You're young and innocent, and you think that there's some chance for good in everyone, no matter how bad. I understand, we're all like that when we're young. But then you grow up and have to face the harsh reality of the world. No matter how much you try to take the high road, there are some people out there the world is unquestionably better off without."

"You pick that up in Afghanistan?" Peter asked, a minuscule amount of Spider-Man slipping back into his tone.

"Of course not." Rachel scoffed, sounding slightly offended at the notion. "The people I killed there were just fighting for what they believed in, and they and their countrymen believed themselves morally justified. No, I learned that painful lesson on my wedding day, when everyone I love and cared for were killed by some thugs who didn't want any competition, but got the wrong memo."

"So your time in the army didn't have any impact on your decision to do... all of this?" The teen noted curiously.

"In a way it did, and in a way it didn't." Rachel shrugged as they came across The Punisher, Spider-Girl, and X-23, the former being tied up in webs, and the latter two standing vigil over him. When Spider-Girl tried to make a move to tie up Rachel, Peter signaled her to wait a minute, much to her confusion. "Being a soldier gave me the grit to survive the massacre, and the tools to seek revenge on the bastards who killed everyone I loved, but I'd probably still be fighting tooth and nail to take them all out without it."

"Spider-Man, what is she talking about?" Gwen asked her lover hesitantly.

"She has a very good reason to hate these guys." Peter remarked morosely. "So good in fact, that I'm seriously wondering whether or not I should put a stop to this."

*Spider-Sense!*-Don't think like that!

'What the heck?!' Peter thought in shock. 'My Spider-Sense just reacted to something I was thinking? It's never done that before. Does this mean that thinking like that is inherently dangerous for me, or is there something else?'

"Babe, are you serious about this?!" Gwen hissed at him as Rachel cut her partner loose. "These are terrorists! Yes, their targets are criminals, but does that make it any better?!"

"No!-Yes!-Maybe!-I don't know!" Peter whispered back in frustration. "Look, you remember what I told you about why I put on this costume everyday?" He began explaining, getting a hesitant nod from his girlfriend in response. "Imagine that, multiply it by a hundred, and you've got a pretty good idea of what she's gone through because of these people."

"What?!" Gwen's lenses widened in alarm even as she stood ready to intercept the now free Punishers. "But that still... I mean it doesn't..."

"Excuse me." X-23 interjected casually. "But are you referring to my handlers?"

"We're not talking about them, I don't think so anyway." Spider-Man explained. "It's the ones you've been dismembering for the past ten minutes."

X-23 blinked in in confusion. "You mean those people were not part of the Weapon X Program?" She asked innocently, shocking the Spiders. She had been mauling people to pieces and she had no idea who they were or what the larger conflict was?! She was either an extremely ruthless killer or an extremely simpleminded one.

"Ahem!" Rachel cut the conversation short. "If you don't mind, do you think you could stop getting in our way and let us get on with our job now?"

"Not before you explain exactly what's going on." Spider-Girl demanded sternly. "And even then, no."

"We'll explain on the way," Rachel negotiated as she forced her way forward, only able to get by Spider-Girl because Peter was holding her back. "But we have come far too close to getting this guy and the data he holds to let it slip through our grasp now."

"They don't need to know about the data." The Punisher whispered harshly to Rachel.

"What guy, and what data?" X-23 questioned as she and the Spiders followed.

"His name is Chris Poulsen," Rachel explained as she handed a photo of a mustachioed, rough looking black haired man in his thirties standing next to an elegant bespectacled woman. "He's a model SHIELD agent turned lieutenant to one Stephanie Gerard, a former cyber-terrorist working for AIM turned would-be kingpin of a new crime ring she named The Exchange. We already got his boss and most of his coworkers before she could get her group up and running into anything significant, but he managed to slip away with something that could potentially expose and eliminate over two-thirds of all organized crime on the planet, destabilize the global economy and political structure, and/or start and stop World War III, depending on who gets their hands on it."

"Sounds like you've both been pretty busy." Spider-Man remarked shakily, trying desperately not to freak out at just how important the events they'd just stumbled into were as they arrived at a door. "This data you're after must be pretty impressive, so how did a bunch of noobs get their hands on it?"

Just as The Punisher was about to kick down the door, X-23 got in front of him and shook her head before walking to the next door over. As The Punishers were war veterans with naturally cautious mindsets and the door was setting off Spider-Senses like crazy, they decided to follow the lead of their mysterious ally.

"Like I said before, these guys aren't 'noobs' as you call them." Rachel explained as they entered the janitor's closet X-23 had gone to. "Each of the higher-ups were handpicked by their late boss for a single reason; each one of them was a very knowledgeable but low profile member of several major organizations that her information noted were discontent with their current place in life, and might be willing to sign up with someone willing and able to make them a better offer. Each of them brought massive amounts of information on their former allies with them. AIM, The Maggia, The Purifiers, The Pride, Fisk Industries, The Hand, The Illuminati, The Brotherhood, The Hellfire Club, HYDRA, and even SHIELD-the most powerful government backed law enforcement group on the planet-all had members willing to sell out their former allies for her offer." When she mentioned HYDRA she noticed X-23 tense up a bit, but said nothing on it. "They each pooled all their data into a single device called the Omega Drive, apparently made from part of a Fantastic Four suit. The unstable molecules it's made of allow for a theoretically infinite data storage capacity."

"I don't know any of those names-except for Fisk Industries, which I thought was a legitimate company-but I'm guessing all those guys are like the Major Leagues of crime." Spider-Girl noted as X-23 extended her talons.

"And The Exchange was shaping up to be the Yankees before you two got to them." Spider-Man joked cynically as X-23 easily cut open a large hole in the wall, exposing one very shocked and confused former agent. "And did you just say that the Illuminati was in on this? I thought that stuff was just a myth invented by conspiracy theorists."

*Spider-Sense!*-This guy is very unstable!

"Don't move!" The freshly promoted mob boss commanded fearfully as he held up a small disk with the logo of the Fantastic Four on it and pointed a gun at it. "Any of you even twitch wrong and I blast the Omega Drive to pieces!" The impromptu and unlikely alliance of heroes had to admit that in-spite of catching the gangster off guard with their unorthodox and unexpected entry, he was very quick to adapt and realize what his best defense was since the grenade tripwire they spotted in front of his door didn't get a chance to go off. Chris however, was far less composed and prepared than he appeared on the outside, which wasn't at all really, outside of making sure his only bargaining chip was held at gunpoint. 'It's not supposed to be like this!' He panicked in barely restrained terror. 'Only the Punishers were supposed to be here, not the Spiders, and who is that girl with them?! I don't even know who she is! And why are they all on the same side, the Spiders and Punishers couldn't be more different in their methods and ideals! They should be fighting each other, not working together! And where are the police?! I tipped them off about the Punishers attacking almost an hour ago, they should be here by now! My plan doesn't work if I can't use the police and the Punishers against each other! This wasn't supposed to happen! This wasn't supposed to happen! We were supposed to be the top dogs! Steph and I were supposed to be so happy together! What gave these people the right to come in and ruin in a few weeks everything we worked so hard for years to build?!'

"They have that right because you're a criminal and a douche." Gali's voice came out of nowhere in response to his thoughts, spiking his already high blood pressure even further.

"Who said that!?" Chris demanded, which would have been more threatening if he still had a hand free to aim a gun at them. "Is one of you psychic?! Stay out of my mind! You've already ruined my life, you won't get what's in my head too!" He was so preoccupied being paranoid that he didn't notice the badass merc in the kickass red and black spandex-

-Deadpool, remember that talk we had about messing with the narration? In particular the part about you not doing it?

Fine; Chris didn't notice as Deadpool teleported into the office right behind him.

Much better.

"Uh, Mr. Coulson was it?" Spider-Man began hesitantly as he tried to warn him about the sudden appearance of Deadpool, who had just pulled out a katana. "You might wanna-"

"It's Poulsen!" The white collar criminal snapped, completely unaware that Deadpool was making a show of swinging his katana in a batting motion and lining up the blade with his neck at the apex of the mock swings. "I'm nothing like that Captain America fanboy! Why do you think I left SHIELD in the first place?!"

"I feel like we've just touched a nerve." Spider-Girl stage-whispered to her partner before moving her hands in a placating motion to try and negotiate with Chris. "Anyway, this has been a weird day for all of us. I mean we're willingly working with killers for crying out loud! So why don't we all just take a step back and-"

"Step back?! You'd like me to do that wouldn't you?" Chris muttered as he became increasingly high-strung, still not noticing as Deadpool held up a finger to test the wind. "Walk me right into whatever trap you've set for me? Well it won't work, because my trap is better! It just needs a few more seconds to go off is all!"

"Was he always this inept?" X-23 asked the Punishers.

"He had a thing for his boss." Rachel explained. "Her death seems to have pushed him over the edge."

"I'm not over the edge!" Chris exploded at them. "You two are over the edge! We were just trying to create an organization of victimless crimes that would crush or assimilate all others! We had a massive overarching plan! One wedding becomes an accidental sacrifice to a world of victimless crimes and you try to ruin it for everyone to satisfy your ego and need for vengeance!"

"Dude, just shut the fuck up, okay?" Deadpool sniped at the dethroned crime lord, causing him to turn around and freeze in shock just in time for the merc to decapitate him. Chris was left with just enough brain function to watch helplessly as the world spun around his spiraling severed head, and to rage bitterly and hopelessly for a few seconds at the final word he heard. "You're just a greedy goomba on a power trip trying to make himself the victim. I mean, you don't even have any superpowers, and you're trying to be a crime lord in this day and age? As if!"

"Thanks for that." Rachel remarked with a sadistically satisfied smirk as she strolled forward to grab the Omega Drive. "I don't know who you are, how you just came out of nowhere like that, or even what you're doing here, but you've just done us a huge favor."

"Don't mention it." Deadpool grinned as he flipped through the air for no reason, landed next to The Punisher, and casually leaned on his shoulder, much to his ire. "Seriously, don't. I've been know to easily get a big head and fall in love easily when hot chicks compliment me, and I'm strictly here on business, not pleasure. Well, now that I think about it, my business actually is my pleasure, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, before I go off on a tangent, I'm mostly here because Gali hired me for a job, and she's paying me in diamonds and screen time so I have to make sure that anytime I'm written into the story is a good time for everyone, and to kick start the fun time roller coaster I've got special presents for all of you." After stage one of his crazy rant he clicked his belt buckle, which teleported in a thrashing and gagged Kimura, who looked to be quite a bit worse for wear if the fact that her arms and legs were all bending the wrong way was any indication. "For Laura I brought the woman who made her entire life a living hell just because she could. Take note of what I've done to her arms and legs, and remember that while her skin may be nearly unbreakable, it does not translate to unbreakable bones as well. You know, just in case she ever gets loose again."

"...So I take it your name's Laura?" Spider-Man asked X-23 hesitantly as he tried to keep up with one strand of madness after the next.

X-23 found the situation too unbelievable even for her nerves of steel and was barely able to form a response. "I never had a name. I have always been known as X-23."

"Ooo, your mommy hasn't given you your name yet, has she?" Deadpool hissed sheepishly as The Punisher pushed him away. "Forget I said anything then, and just act surprised when she names you and shows you real maternal affection for the first time. Speaking of names, in case you weren't able to read the narration, you can just call me Deadpool. Now then, as for Frankie's gift, I just so happen to know exactly where a major HYDRA Base known as the Weapon X Lab is, and I have a teleporter to get us all there. Which, now that I think about it, is also kind of a second gift for our little Wolverette." He cooed as he pinched X-23's cheeks for half a second before she shoved him away.

During his ramblings Peter managed to pick up one particular thread that caused him to remember something very important. "Wait a second, you're Deadpool?" He questioned as he recalled something Gali had said the morning after they first got together. "Now I see why Gali said to just try and ignore you; you're completely insane!"

"And you've been letting people die left and right in front of you for the past several minutes." Deadpool quipped back. "Not very Spider-Man-like, wouldn't you agree?"

"He does have a point." Gwen hesitantly admitted to Peter, who could only hang his head in shame.

"It's... not an easy topic to deal with right now." Peter was forced to admit as he kept making glances at Rachel, who was struggling to find some way to access the data on the Omega Drive.

"Oh! Thanks for the reminder Narration!" Deadpool cut in. "I scoped it out this morning, and there's something amazing at the Weapon X Lab right now that could totally give you easy access to all the info on the Omega Drive! Just imagine how easy it would be for police and superheroes the world over to take down criminals if they could get their hands on copies of that intel!" Not bothering to wait for any response, The Merc With The Mouth teleported everyone in the room away.

---

Undisclosed Location in Canada

It was an average night at the Weapon X Laboratories, with amoral scientists, hired guns, trained killers, and fascist taskmasters all working towards a single united goal of being the biggest douche bags in history-

-Deadpool. The Narration warns him sternly.

Sorry (why is the Narration talking in the 3rd person tho?) Anyway, the last thing any of these criminal elements were suspecting was for a ragtag band of heroes to teleport into their stronghold, which made it all the more shocking when it suddenly did happen.

"Surprise Motherfuckers!" Deadpool shouted as he opened fire on the guards and scientists with reckless abandon; the Punishers follow suit not a moment later as the Spiders did their best to make nonlethal take downs.

"Okay, new rule here. You guys can kill all you want, but if they're webbed up then they're off limits!" Spider-Man commanded harshly. "We'll call whatever cops are around here to clean them up later."

"I honestly think I'd be okay with that." Rachel acquiesced as The Punisher just gave an offhand grunt. "That's Frank talk for okay."

"I noticed your partner doesn't talk much." Spider-Man bantered with Rachel as he and Spider-Girl worked double time to knock out and restrain everyone they could get to, prioritizing the scientists before the hired guns. "I guess that makes him your silent partner then, huh?"

"Nice joke, did you get that one out of a Three Stooges movie?" Rachel retorted as she went full-auto on a trio of mercs trying to take cover.

"Actually it was the Marx Brothers." Spider-Girl cut in before her boyfriend could answer. "Trust me, I've seen seen his movie collection, he's a huge fan. Oddly enough though he doesn't have any Star Wars films."

"Quick Marvel Trivia Time!" Deadpool cut in as he cut down two thugs. "The time in the story where yours truly lets you readers in on some interesting facts about Marvel Canon. This time we delve into the fact that Spider-Man-contrary to his geeky civilian persona-is a total Star Wars hater. Boy is that ever gonna be awkward when this story gets to the Star Wars spinoff! Foreshadowing!"

"What are you talking about?" Spider-Man asked the nutty merc as he clotheslines a scientist and thug and webs them to a desk. "And how do you know I hate Star Wars?"

"What are movies?" X-23 asked as she used Kimura as both a shield and a blunt weapon to take out five armed guards so that they fell groaning at Spider-Girl's feet, where they were quickly webbed for their safety.

"You don't know what movies are!?" Deadpool panicked as he did a spin attack to decapitate three guards. "This is a travesty! An outrage! How could a clone of my hedonist buddy Logan possibly not know what movies are?! Wait a second!" His panic doubled even as he pulled a fatality by stabbing a guard through the skull with a katana and pulling it back so that his head came off with the spinal cord still attached. "Laura was made by Weapon X using Logan's DNA as a base and splicing it with the DNA of lead scientist Sarah Kinney to make up for the damaged Y Chromosome." He paused to use the skull still on his blade to crack open both it and the head of a researcher who was trying to run away. "Dr. Kinney was then forced to carry Laura to term in her womb as punishment for making an imperfect though still functional clone, but that's not the point I'm trying to make!" He stopped to pull a bayonet out of his mouth and use it to shank the guard who stabbed him. "The point is that I got my healing factor from this facility too! Using Logan's DNA no less! Do you know what this means?!" He gasped as he lunged at X-23 and pulled her into a bear hug. "It means we're twinsies! Oh it's so good to finally meet ya sis!"

For her part X-23 wasn't the least bit focused on the disgusting smelling merc that was currently latched onto her like a bear trap. Rather, she was more focused on the revelation that Sarah Kinney, one of the only two individuals in her entire life to ever show her any kindness, was actually her biological mother, and that she was actually born through a relatively normal method, rather than grown in a tube like she'd been led to believe her whole life. The idea was frightening, comforting, and confusing all at once.

"I... have a mother..." X-23 could barely utter in shock.

"And a big brother too!" Deadpool squealed in delight. "Now that I think on it though, you actually have quite a few brothers and sisters. Your old man has really gotten around the past few centuries. Now then," He became serious as he stepped away from her and casually took a bullet to the gut before shooting the guard who did that in the face. "Seeing as how we're brother and sister now, I have complete authority to harshly judge any and all potential boyfriends in your life, starting with your current crush, Spider-Man." He explained as he pointed at said wall-crawler.

To his credit, Peter barely managed to pay enough attention to his Spider-Sense to dodge a literal bullet just after the metaphorical one hit. "I'm what to her?!" He panicked even as he cartwheeled into a scientist and Spider-Girl vaulted off his shoulders into another. "I didn't even know her before tonight! The only other time I've ever had someone fall for me this fast was Gali, and I'm pretty sure she was watching me long before I knew she existed!"

"Well my little sis has been doing the same with you." Deadpool remarked as he ushered the group into a corridor once all the goons were either dead or unconscious and restrained. "Ole' Normy was taking too long negotiating a price on your head with HYDRA, so Little Laura here decided to stalk you for several days before the contract went through, and remember Spidey, stalking is the most sincere form of love there is! Except when your stalker is your therapist who collects your discarded body parts, in which case you should torch the bitch and run like I did."

"There are so many things wrong with what you just said!" Spider-Man remarked as he vaulted over The Punisher to kick two guards in the face and web them down where they fell, something the old soldier was not happy about at all. "I mean I'm honestly not surprised that Osborn put out a hit on me, but I'm guessing that you're not the type of guy people go to for relationship advice."

"Says the polygamist with a bucket list over a hundred ladies long." Deadpool returned fire figuratively on Spider-Man, and literally on some machine gun totting goons before taking a sudden sharp turn.

"It is not that long!" Spider-Man protested, earning him some odd and slightly disgusted looks from the Punishers and forcing him to backpedal. "What I meant was that I don't know how long it is-I mean Gali handles that for me-not that I'm really into that or anything-even though I do technically do it-not that I like it-not that I don't like the girls I'm with-not that it was my idea-GAAAAH!" He broke down miserably as he charged forward double-time right into the middle of five armed guards, bringing them down in record time with a mad flurry of punches, kicks, and chops. "Why can I never say anything right?!" He cried out so loud that it echoed around the whole base dramatically.

"Because you're still new to being a ladies' man." Deadpool put him on the back reassuringly. "Don't worry though, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it soon enough. BTDubs though, don't try to make a move on the Punisher Chick just yet; she's still kinda sore about her wedding getting shot up." He stage whispered to him; making absolutely certain that Rachel heard.

"Do you want me to kill you?" Rachel growled as she leveled her gun against Deadpool's skull, her face slightly red from the intense embarrassment at the insinuation.

"Get in line lady, there's about a thousand and one people ahead of you." Deadpool quipped as they stopped at a heavily reinforced door. "Now then, there's gonna be a crapton of guards behind this door guarding what we came here for. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if they had a few super villains hiding in the nooks and crannies. I mean, I did call to warn them about our attack about ten minutes in advance, so they've had some time to prepare."

"Are you insane?!" Spider-Girl demanded. "No, don't answer that, you totally are. I'm willing to accept that we've infiltrated some sort of terrorist laboratory with little planning or forethought to get access to something that could revolutionize crime fighting, but why would you deliberately take away the element of surprise?"

"I have a few reasons." Deadpool shrugged nonchalantly. "But mostly because it's fun! Now let's blow shit up!" With a manic cry he kicked the door down only to get pelted in the face with a gas bomb that everyone else quickly lunged back to avoid. "Nice aroma." The merc casually remarked as he sniffed his wrists. "I could probably marked this as a cologne or someth-urk!" He was cut off as a snarling X-23 slit his throat with a blade extended from her foot.

"What was that for?!" Rachel demanded hotly as she aimed her gun at the girl. "He was the only one who knew what-"

*Spider-Sense!*-Get her out of there!

Faster than she could blink, Rachel was pulled away from the wildly swinging claws of X-23 by a web from Spider-Man, having learned his lesson the hard way about paying attention to more than just threats to himself. "How did you-what did she?" Rachel looked between Spider-Man and X-23 for a split second before she got her bearings back and aimed her gun at the young feral.

"Hold your fire!" Deadpool gargled as he stepped out of the slowly dissipating gas cloud, his slit throat rapidly healing as he managed to secure X-23 in a half-nelson. "It's not her fault; the people here conditioned her to react violently to this scent. She's like a frightened wild animal right now."

"Conditioned her?" Spider-Man growled at the implications Deadpool's words implied, and just how much conditioning such a clearly strong-willed girl would have to go through to get so frantic at just a scent.

"Honey, are you okay?" Gwen asked in concern.

"I'll be right back." Spider-Man frowned as he ran through what was left of the gas cloud, parting it as he entered the room. "Deadpool, let her loose!"

"I see what you're doing Webs." Deadpool grinned as he threw X-23 through the door. "And don't worry about destroying what we came for! It's totally indestructible, but the people aren't, so if you see a scientist that looks like an older version of Laura, don't kill her, because it's probably her mom!"

"Noted!" Spider-Man remarked as he flipped around several tables and computers, narrowly dodging the frenzied slashes of X-23 as she ripped her way through anything that got in her way. While it bares mentioning that Spider-Man was doing everything he could to keep her from actually killing anyone, in their anger at this facility, neither he nor Spider-Girl could bring themselves to work all that hard to interfere with Deadpool and the Punishers, only stepping in when it was semi-convenient to do so.

"Is it wrong that I don't feel all that guilty about all the people dying in front of us today?" Gwen asked as she kneed one guy in the gut and threw him over her shoulder at two snipers perched on scaffolding.

"Probably." Peter panted while firing webs at the legs of X-23. "But between the adrenaline, the fact that most of these people probably make Doctor Frankenstein look like Florence Nightingale, and pretty much every new crazy revelation today being just as shocking as the last, the guilt is probably just waiting to hit us once we're done." He backflipped to the underside of a scaffold when his Spider-Sense let him know that X-23 had broken the bindings.

"Well there's something pleasant to look forward to tomorrow morning." Spider-Girl groaned as she casually punched out a highly trained and skilled soldier that was trying to sneak up and garrote her from behind.

"Don't I know it." Spider-Man frowned as he dropped to the floor to avoid X-23's claws. "Listen, Laura was it?" He began gently as he danced away from her claws. "I don't know all that much about you, in fact I just met you tonight, but I can tell that this isn't you. From the moment you were born these people tried to make you into a weapon, a soulless killing machine, but you never gave in, not completely at least." A quick dodge in front of a fuse-box gave X-23 a shock when she stabbed her left claws forward, though she quickly recovered to make another, somewhat drunken lunge at him. Seeing that he wasn't really getting through to her, he decided to up his game. "That's why you spied on me all those days isn't it? You saw what me and the girls were doing and it inspired you, it began waking up the part of you these people tried to bury, the part that they couldn't break no matter how hard they tried. That's why you were so quick to start helping me out the moment you got the chance, even if your methods are a little extreme for my tastes-woah!" He jumped high to avoid a monitor she threw at him. "Okay, maybe your methods are a bit more suited to our current situation than mine, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. The point is that no matter what these people have done to you, no matter what kind of training or conditioning they put you through, they couldn't change who you really were; who you were really meant to be! Don't you see Laura? You're not a killer; you're a hero!"

Ignoring his words through the whole spiel, X-23 roared as she thrust her claws at Spider-Man's jugular.

And stopped just centimeters before cutting him.

"Nrrgg, n-no..." X-23 growled as she fought to control herself. "N-not him... t-trigger scent... can't make me... not him..." Her conscious mind noticed a sparking cable she had cut loose earlier and grabbed onto it for all it was worth. She grit her teeth as the electricity coursed through her body for several seconds, only letting go once she was confident she had zapped all trace of her feral state out of herself. "Thanks Spider-Man. I really needed that." Laura smiled slightly at her wall-crawling hero.

"Aw, forget about it." Spider-Man remarked in a cheesy Italian gangster accent. "Honestly though, I'm just glad that you snapped out of it before you did any lasting damage. Now what do you say we take out the rest of these goons, preferably in a nonlethal manner."

"I think I can work with that." Laura nodded as the unlikely duo turned to face the remaining terrorists.

Only to see that they were already either dead or unconscious and webbed up.

"Yeah, we finished taking out all of these creeps while you were giving Laura that whole you're-better-than-you-think-you-are speech." Deadpool explained with a tone that everyone could practically feel his cheeky grin in. "And as an added bonus, I also found yo mama." He added as he reached under a desk and pulled out a bound and gagged woman in a lab coat.

"...Doctor Kinney." Laura gasped as she rushed forward and cut her restrains off with a few swipes of her claws. Pausing for only a moment as she pieced together her many mixed feelings about the woman before her, she quickly decided to emulate something she had seen Peter do every morning she watched him, and wrapped the woman before her in a hug. "Mother." She whispered as she buried her face in the crook of her neck.

"...Laura." Sarah Kinney gasped out the name she'd chosen for this child in shock at this sudden display of affection. Struggling not to hug her, she tried to push her away, but it only made Laura hold on tighter. "Child, please don't do this. You don't... I don't deserve... it's my fault that-"

"That what?" Laura choked out in tears. "That I was abused my whole life? That was Kimura, not you. That I was forced to be a contract killer? That was Weapon X and HYDRA, not you. That I chose to become something more than what I was made to be; a hero? That was Spider-Man, not you. That I was born? That I have a chance to experience all the things in life, both the good and the bad? That was you."

"AWWWWWW!" Deadpool bawled his eyes out and made an exaggerated show of somehow blowing his nose through his mask. "You gotta love these touching family moments!"

"You just had to kill the mood, didn't you Deadpool?" Spider-Man glanced at the merc disparagingly.

"Alright alright, enough with the waterworks." Rachel sighed tiredly as she pushed Laura and Sarah apart. "We came here looking for something that can get the data off of this and into the right hands, and until we get it you can consider you life to be in my hands." She glared at the scientist as she waved around the Omega Drive in one hand, while pointing a gun at her in the other. The threat caused Laura to step in front of her mother and growl defensively.

"Oh yeah, almost forgot about that in all the excitement." Deadpool snapped his fingers as he fired a shotgun at a large energy filled tube in the center of the room, causing all the energy to leak out and zap him with enough of a charge to kill a blue whale, so naturally he was back on his feet in two seconds. "You'll find what you're looking for in there." He explained as he coughed out a puff of smoke.

"I'll get it." Spider-Girl sighed tiredly to her boyfriend as she jumped into the shattered remains of the tube. "You just keep everyone from killing each other, okay?"

"Yeah, because I've been doing such a good job of that so far today." Peter sighed morosely as he went over to the stand off and pushed Rachel's gun hand up and Larua's arm down. "Seriously? After all the death so far today, you two still haven't had enough?" He gave them both a withering glare.

"I only severed hands at the worst." Laura corrected him evasively.

"Don't touch me." Was all Rachel had to say as she yanked her arm away from him.

"Heads up!" Spider-Girl called out just as Spider-Man caught a small incoming object. "That was the only thing in there, so unless they moved what we came for this is it."

"This tiny little thing?" Spider-Man remarked curiously as he held an oval shaped blue gem up to his eye. "Doesn't look like much but a bit of jewelry."

"But it's so much more than just that Spidey!" Deadpool announced excitedly like a game show host. "What you hold in your hands is none other than the Mind Gem! One of the single most powerful artifacts in the universe! With this in your hand, you have unlimited control over all information! Minds, computer, any sort of data is yours to obtain, control, and edit at your leisure! Used properly this little stone could make you the smartest being in the universe, or control minds on a planetary scale!"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Spider-Man panicked as he fumbled with the Mind Gem like a hot potato. "What the Hell is something this dangerous doing on our planet, let alone in the hands of terrorists!? And if it was in the hands of these guys, then why aren't we all mind slaves right now?!"

"Well obviously it's not perfect." Deadpool scoffed nonchalantly. "It may grant people near limitless mental powers, but it's still limited by the wielder's perception of reality. If you wanna get the most out of it, you're gonna need at least a few of the other Infinity Gems. Now chop-chop with the Mind Gem Spidey, the contents of the Omega Drive aren't gonna copy themselves to these flash drives on their own y'know." He remarked as he thrust a plastic bin full of large flash drives and the Omega Drive into his hands. "And don't worry, it's not that hard to use; the data on the Omega Drive is already sorted and labeled by organization, so all you have to do is focus on which primary files to copy to which flash drives. And don't worry about overloading the flash drives. Each one of these babies can contain all the pornography on the internet, so as long as you put only one or two organizations worth of secrets onto each it'll be okay. Oh wait! I just reminded myself of something!" He panicked as he rummaged through the bin and pulled out a flash drive with an image of his black and red belt buckle on it. "This one's mine. It has my, uhhh, top secret weapon blueprints from my tech guy Weasel on it. Yeah, that's what it is." He chuckled sheepishly as he stowed it in his back pocket.

I think they bought it! I don't. They all clearly know that's where Wade keeps his porn. Deadpool's little boxes bantered.

"Wait a second!" Sarah worriedly addressed Deadpool as Spider-Man began the hit-and-miss process of getting all the contents of the Omega Drive onto a few dozen flash drives. "How do you know what that gem does, and what it is? We've been trying to fully understand the secrets of that thing ever since our superiors sent it to us for analysis over a decade ago, and you just come along with full awareness of all its secrets?! Who are you? How do you know all these things? What are these Infinity Gems you're talking about?" She may have been taken off guard by all the madness going on around her, but she was still a scientist, dammit!

"I'd love to explain all the intricacies of the universe to you, and just how this universe differs from the Mainstream Marvelverse, but uhh..." He looked around for an excuse and noticed that Spider-Man had just finished copying all the data from the Omega Drive onto all the flash drives. "Spider-Man here wants to ask you for permission to add your daughter to his harem!" He grinned cheekily as he pulled the webhead over as a decoy before diving behind an overturned desk for shelter.

"Stop putting words in my mouth, Deadpool!" Spider-Man protested hotly.

*Spider-Sense!*-Pay attention to the scary ladies!

'This will not end well.' Peter thought morosely as he turned to the unorthodox mother/daughter duo, the former a mixture of strict accusation and unworthiness, and the latter actually rubbing her arm somewhat nervously. "Before either of you says anything I'd just like to warn you to take anything that guy says with a grain of salt. In case you haven't noticed he's kind of insane."

"So you're not a polygamist, and don't have any interest in Laura then?" Dr. Kinney stood defensively in front of the young mutant.

"So what if he does?" Laura countered as she stepped in front of the woman and went over to Spider-Man's side. "I seem to recall you saying that you do not deserve to be my mother, or something to that effect, so what concern is it of yours if I become his next mate?"

"What concern is it of mine?!" The questionable doctor repeated in outrage. "I carried you in my womb for nine months, cared for you as a baby, I even got regular death threats from Kimura just so I could read you bedtime stories! As your mother I have every right to be-" She stopped short as what she said sank in and she noticed the smug little grin on her daughter's face. "You little Pinocchio; you tricked me."

"I had to." Laura smiled warmly as she happily latched onto her mother. "You weren't going to be honest with yourself otherwise."

"Finally! A happy ending to this otherwise dark and depressing day." Spider-Girl exclaimed in relieved exhilaration. "I will be billing you three for the therapy I will now require." She glared hotly at the Punishers and Deadpool.

"The day ain't over yet Spider-Chica." Deadpool chuckled as he playfully pointed behind her. "There's still a few surprises yet to be had."

"What are you talking ab-" She stopped short when she turned around and saw Laura fiercely making out with her boyfriend. "Excuse me for a second." She scowled as she stormed over to the unlikely yet oddly tender romantic duo. "Care to explain yourself, Honey?" She questioned as her foot tapped impatiently.

"I can explain, I swear!" Peter panicked and pulled his mask back down over his mouth once Laura let him go. "She caught me off guard!"

"You have a Spider-Sense."

"She wasn't a threat!"

"It works by giving you heightened awareness of your surroundings, not an instinctual response to danger."

"You're okay with Black Cat, Gali, and Firestar though..." His defense was getting weaker.

"If I may interject." Laura approached Spider-Girl. "You clearly feel your position as the Alpha Female in your pack threatened by the presence of a new addition, but I can assure you that I will make no move to usurp your position."

"...Did you just call me the Alpha Female?" Gwen asked with devious interest, getting a curt nod in response. She contemplated the implications for about half a second before making her decision. "She's in."

"Seriously?" Peter questioned skeptically. "Because just two seconds ago you were-"

"She. Is. In." The Alpha Female declared, sending a frightened shiver darting up Peter's spine.

"As they always say; the female is the deadlier of the species." He saluted her immediately.

"Whip cracking sound effect!" Deadpool cracked up as he fell to the floor laughing. "Oh man, if you think you have it rough now just wait until the next chapter! I read ahead and I've got three words for you my friend! Death by Snu-Snu!"

"Enough with this shtick." Rachel cut the merc off curtly by roughly stomping on his face. "Just give us the flash drives and let's all get out of here." She commanded the Spiders. There was a long and painful stare down between the clear cut heroes and the rough anti-heroes, and it wouldn't be surprising if an epic fight broke out then and there over their differing ideologies and methods.

"Here." Spider-Man reluctantly handed eleven flash drives to the ruthless vigilantes, one for each organization filed on the Omega Drive. "I still don't approve of your methods though, and I probably never will. Still..." He glanced to the side to see Laura and her mother holding hands. "Whatever else happened tonight ended up having good results. Yes, a lot of people are dead, but given that most of them were heavily armed terrorists that probably would have gotten the death sentence in any place where it's legal I think I can let it slide just this once. I just can't understand why you think you have the right to act as judge, jury and executioner for all these people though."

"There's a lot of scum in this world that just ain't gonna change with a punch to the face and a stay in the slammer, kid." Rachel explained as she wrote something down and handed it to Spider-Man. "And the sooner you realize that, the better off the innocent people of New York will be."

"What's this for?" He asked as he glanced at the numbers of the paper. It almost looked like...

"My phone number." Rachel completed his thoughts for him. "What we do isn't easy, no matter our methods. If you ever need to talk or finally shake off the kid gloves just give me a call." She roughly yanked Deadpool to his feet. "Now get us out of here already, you maniac."

"As my buddy Logan always says to redheads; Anythin' you say Darlin'." The walking tumor joked as he adjusted his teleporter belt to account for more passengers. "Nicely done by the way, Webs." He whispered to Peter. "You totally just scored her digits. The Spectacular Spider-Harem grows on."

"Will you shut up about that already?" Gwen hissed at him. "My boyfriend is not dating a serial killer, end of story!"

"Everything else aside, what should we do with the Mind Gem and Omega Drive?" Dr. Kinney voiced her concerns, drawing Peter's attention back to the blue oval gem in one hand and the Omega Drive and phone number in the other. "I don't think I need to remind any of you just how badly certain parties are going to want to get their hands on them."

"Got you covered there too." Deadpool grinned as he handed Spider-Man a moderately sized jewelry box with a keypad lock. "Well technically Gali has you covered, seeing as she made that box, but it's solid enough to keep even Odin and Zeus working in tandem out if they don't know the combination; which I will now whisper into your ear."

"...You've got to be kidding me." Peter frowned once Deadpool told him the combination, before adding a roll of his eyes once he tested it out and found it actually worked.

"Considering who made it does this really come as a surprise?" The insane merc asked in the most serious tone he'd ever used, only for the severity of Deadpool being serious for even a moment being broken up by the Itsy Bitsy Spider song going off.

"Excuse me for a second, I've gotta take this." He nervously excused himself while slipping the Mind Gem and Omega Drive into the box and slipping his phone out of his pocket. "Hey Aunt May, sorry I'm a little late. Gwen and I lost track of time for a bit, but I'm on my way home right now." He whispered, making certain that no one could overhear.

"I'm glad to hear that Dearie, though that isn't really why I called." May Parker, the greatest aunt in the whole Marvel-verse assured her nephew. "First of all, I'd like to pass on my thanks to this F.H friend of yours. That yoga disk they gave me has me feeling sprier already, if a little more tired than usual."

"I'll tell her you said that, and make sure you take it easy with that thing." Peter gently urged her at the slightest indication of exhaustion. "Don't want to risk another trip to the hospital."

"Oh Peter, I'm perfectly fine." She assured him. "I'm following the instructions to the letter, you have nothing to worry about. Now as for the other reason I called, I recently received some good news, though it may come as a bit of a shock, so I want you to sit down for a second."

"Okay." He shrugged as he flipped onto a desk and sat Indian style. "Speak your mind, I'm all ears."

"A lawyer came by earlier today regarding the contents of a will." The elderly woman explained. "Now they say that there are quite a few extenuating circumstances regarding the legality of it, and I can't say I fully understood it all myself, but apparently you've inherited OsCorp."

"I'VE WHAT?!" Peter panicked so intensely that he immediately passed out.

"Spider-Man!" Gwen rushed over to her boyfriend and tried to shake him to his senses.

"Peter? Peter are you still there?" May's worried voice came over the phone. Feeling mischievous, Deadpool snatched up the phone and started gabbing.

"Sorry Mrs. P, your nephew can't come to the phone right now, he's kind of unconscious." He explained playfully. "Don't worry though, I'll make sure he gets home safe and sound. Disconnection BEEP!" He spoke out the sound effect of hanging up as he hung up. "Now then, let's see what's next on the script..." He hummed thoughtfully as he paged through a stack of papers with a marker and crayons in hand. "Yadda yadda, foreshadowing, costume party, blah blah blah, call Kimura a color blind She-Hulk cosplayer, more foreshadowing, don't need this, cut that out, Clockwork Orange torture machine, make Kimura binge watch the top 100 worst films ever as according to Rotten Tomatoes, highlight that with little smiley faces and explosions, and Bob's your uncle!" He grinned at the literally colorfully revised script before turning to the screen.

"Well everyone, we've had a very busy day today, haven't we?" He spoke as if he were Mr. Rogers doing a PSA announcement. "Spidey got laid with his favorite pussy (cat), he got an Infinity Gem and the Omega Drive, Wolverette joined in on the fun and a Lady Punisher doesn't look too far behind, not to mention inheriting a company that turned his whole life upside-down. Granted, it took quite a while for this chapter to get out, and some of you were getting pretty antsy, so the writer and I decided to cut out some planned content for time. Don't worry though faithful readers, the only reason this chapter was so long is because it was the setup for about 70 percent of the story from here on out, and the writer had to make sure everything was laid out just so. Trust me, the chapters will be coming out much quicker from here on out, and hopefully they won't be as unbearably long as this one. Once again, I thank you all for your patience, and wish you a good day."

"Who are you talking to?" Laura asked worriedly as she tried and failed to follow his line of sight.

"Fade to black!" Deadpool commanded; and the screen complied.

That ending was kind of abrupt, don't you think? "Who cares? The readers will just be happy there's another chapter." Yeah, they're all just reading this to see Spidey get some tail anyway. I'm just saying, don't you think we should put a bit more effort into this? "Considering the writer is going out of his way to make multiple harems in this story, I think it's okay to cut him some slack." You're just saying that because you're one of the guys getting a harem out of this, aren't you? Obviously! "Why else do you think I'd get involved in a series where Spider-Man scores with like a hundred or so different women?" That never stopped you from showing up in the canon storyline. Is that a burn on you or a compliment to Spider-Man? "Shut-up! I don't need to take this from you guys! I've got women on their hands and knees begging for me, so as they say in the Animaniacs; MMMWAH! Goodnight everybody!"