Professor Dumbledore invited me to dine at the head table when we met him in the hallway on the way to dinner in the Great Hall. I protested mightily.
"You are a most singular guest, you know." He smiled and tried to put me at ease.
"You could keep me in my room, or otherwise restrict my activities." It was a reasonable solution to a potentially dangerous guest, from my perspective anyway.
The professor chuckled. "The children need to be aware of your presence, and certainly will be in very short order one way or another. Oh, by the by, I heard that your reaction to Pippy was quite strong. All the house elves are talking about it."
I winced. It wasn't a moment I was particularly proud of.
** - HPDEB - **
Pippy had appeared in front of them all as soon as his name was called.
Frank saw the house elf and shrieked; he seemed to levitate backwards, and ended up behind everyone. Harry had never heard so many swear words at one time, definitely not strung together with other concepts, and uttered in one breath.
"What has Pippy done wrong?!" The house elf cried. His little face was the very picture of a broken heart.
Hermione knelt down and stopped Pippy from getting too close to Frank, who had backed himself up into the corner.
"Pippy," Hermione said softly, "you haven't done anything wrong. Frank is a Muggle guest, and he's never seen a house elf before. He's also a bit high-strung from the look of things."
"Oh!" Pippy nodded vigorously. "Pippy will introduce himself, then. Sir, I am Pippy, a house elf of Hogwarts. Pippy will be taking care of you, Sir, while you is at Hogwarts."
Harry watched Frank come down from tiptoes. How could a man who went around killing zombies be so terrified of a house elf? House elves are wonderful, kind, and terribly useful!
"I'm sorry Pippy," Frank said, "all this is a little surprising. I've never seen, or met, an elf before."
"Oh. Pippy doesn't know where you is from, but is pleased you is here now." The elf smiled. "You is calling Pippy if you is needing anything."
Frank nodded, and the little elf disappeared as quickly as he'd arrived. Frank had many questions, Harry was sure of it, and fully expected to be pressed for answers.
** - HPDEB - **
On the way to dinner, I realized the longer I spoke with Dumbledore, the more charming he got. His eyes twinkled as if there was something amusing happening, but not in a way that makes you look like an idiot.
"Really, I don't want to be a bother. Sitting with the students is fine with me. Dining in my room is absolutely pleasant, too."
"Hermione, Harry and Ron would never stand for such a thing. Do relax and be our guest." He said with a smile, and then leaned over and whispered, "If you enjoy creating a stir wherever you go, this is an excellent opportunity!"
I think I blushed.
** - HPDEB - **
Hermione thought Frank's discomfort at being brought to the fore was rather charming. She wouldn't have believed that an adult could blush that way until she saw it.
Somewhere inside her mind, a part she rarely visited, was some sort of disappointment that their guest wouldn't be at the Gryffindor table with them. It was almost as though she felt possessive.
"He's our guest! We brought him here, the Amazing Murder Muggle, and we plan to associate with him and teach him our ways!" Her niggling feelings seemed to say.
"Harry," she turned to her old friend and whispered, "do you feel strange, Frank being taken from us?"
He scratched his head, seemed to think for a moment, and replied, "I dunno. I might've liked to talk to him more today."
"Well, y'know, the Professor won't keep him. There's plenty of time later." Ron said.
About that time, they ran into the great push and shove that accompanied every meal at Hogwarts. This time, people made way for Professor Dumbledore, and cast curious glances at the man who appeared to be his guest.
"Stop your gawking!" Hermione snarled at them. "He's a guest, so be on your best behavior."
"Yeah!" Ron added. "He's a very nice man, even if he is a great big killer!"
She watched the world stop, and then restart in slow motion. Frank turned back towards them, put his hands on his hips and gave Ron a terrible stare.
"Ronald," Frank growled gently, "did you really have to say that?"
Ron tried to defend himself. "Well, you do have that big weapon on your back. Might give people some kinda hint."
Harry looked at Hermione with panic in his eyes. She understood his fear: Ron's temper was about to flare up.
She wanted to try to talk Ron down before something nasty happened, but it looked like she was too late: Frank had walked back to them.
Ron was only slightly shorter than the man who stood in front of him, but lankier by far. While Frank looked like he could knock out a professional boxer, Ron looked like he'd have trouble arranging his elbows for a proper punch.
"Ron." Frank said quietly.
"What?"
"Are you an idiot?" Frank asked cooly.
Hermione winced.
Ron got right up in Frank's face. She could tell his temper had him now. "Whaddya mean am I an idiot?"
"He's going to die," Harry said. "Can we stop this?"
Hermione shocked herself. "He won't kill Ron. He's going to teach him a lesson."
"I was counting on you to help me make a reasonable impression with the student body. Take a look around and tell me what you see." Frank ordered.
** - HPDEB - **
Ron looked around. Everyone was as far away from him as they could be, even Harry and Hermione. The looks on their faces were full of worry.
"Everyone looks worried," Ron reported. "Why's that?"
"You labeled me a killer," Frank answered, "and now they expect me to kill you."
Frank looked up at the students, fully three-quarters of them, and asked, "By a raise of hands, how many people expect Ron to die in the next minute or so? Probably in a sad and messy manner."
The majority of Ron's peers raised their hands. Ron's skin lost its rosy color. He turned around to face Frank.
"Are you gonna kill me?"
Frank shook his head, turned away, and walked up to the head table.
** - HPDEB - **
I kept walking towards the table at the front of the room. Out of nowhere, an enormous person appeared. Not just big. Not just Andre the Giant. This person was six Andre the Giants. He stopped me dead in my tracks without even touching me.
"Good evenin'." Mister Gigantic rumbled. "Fair bi' o' engaging the young ones you just did."
"Erm." I said.
"Taught him a fine lesson. I'm Hagrid, keeper of keys and grounds here at Hogwarts."
He offered me his hand — it was the size of my whole upper body — and I shook it.
"Frank Stewart. At the moment, I'm a professional guest."
Hagrid roared with laughter. "That's the best one I heard all day! Let's introduce you 'round and you'll have some dinner."
I was introduced to Professor Snape first, a hook-nosed, unpleasant looking man. His hair was black, shoulder length, and needed a good washing. I disliked him on sight, and I think the feeling was mutual.
I want to say that I saw a halo around him, ugly and pulsing...But with the day I'd been having, I just chalked it up to stress-induced hallucinations.
Next was Professor McGonagall, whom I'd encountered before. A chilly reception there, too.
Professor Trelawney. She was quite happy to meet me, and was abashed that she hadn't seen me coming when she scryed in the tub earlier. I nodded and said that sometimes the Universe just tosses you a surprise for fun. That got a giggle.
Horace Slughorn came after Trelawny, and he was quite a pip.
"This here is Professor Burbage, she teaches 'Muggle Studies," Hagrid pointed me towards the slightly dowdy little woman.
"My pleasure, Professor. We might have some common interests," I said.
"Charmed, Sir," she replied. Her smile lit up her face.
"Finally, here's Professor Flitwick. He teaches charms and the like."
Flitwick was a little person, but there was more going on than his size. He didn't look entirely human. My senses lit up like a bonfire: none of his vital signs were normal.
The little teacher nodded towards me, and dismissed me out of hand. Delightful.
Hagrid led me to my chair at the far right side of the table, right next to Snape. I reminded myself that I've been through worse than this, and planted my ass on the chair.
Dumbledore reached the table, and made a friendly little speech before dinner. Then he put me on the spot.
"Tonight is a very interesting night," he began, "because we have a rather unusual guest from far away."
Shit, I knew what was coming next.
"Would you care to introduce yourself, Mr. Stewart?" The bastard smirked behind his beard and regarded me with those twinkly eyes.
I stood up, and took a deep breath. I could feel McGonagall's disapproval, Snape's annoyance, and a hundred sets of curious eyes bearing down on me.
"Good evening. My name is Frank Stewart, and I'm pleased to be a guest at your school." I smiled at everyone, and hoped it didn't reflect how I actually felt. "Professor Dumbledore has nothing but high praise for you all, and I am pleased to take him at his word. Thank you for your hospitality."
I sat my ass right back down. Dumbledore applauded gently, and the student body did the same.
Dinner was served, and it was enormous. Sadly, all the veg were boiled to mush. Traditional UK food. The bread was really good, though, and the butter tasted like it came from happy cows.
"Where are you from, Mister Stewart?"
I could hear the sneer in Snape's question.
"The United States. Washington, DC area."
"I see." Snape nodded. "Do you attend, or teach, at Ilvermorny, then?"
"No. I'm something of a soldier, assigned to unusually dangerous missions." It was the best way I could describe it on short notice, and briefly.
"You're an Auror, then? Or whatever you yanks call them."
"A what?"
"Are you," Snape paused, pumped the tank full of unleaded Drama, and continued, "a Muggle?"
"So I'm told."
You could have heard a pin drop. Until Snape turned to Dumbledore. "What is the meaning of this?" He hadn't spoken loudly, but he commanded the attention of the entire head table. Useful talent.
"Oh, Severus, do calm down. We can discuss it later. In the meantime, be gracious to our new friend."
"Friend? He's a…"
"Mister Stewart is completely welcome here. In fact, he looks quite interested in the bread rolls. Do pass him the butter crock." Dumbledore said, and turned back to his plate. Slices of roast floated over and settled neatly on it.
"I take it, Professor Snape, that non-magical people are not exactly your favorite." I scored a roll from a nearby basket. Dumbledore inspired me. "Would you pass me the butter?"
Numbly, he shoved it towards me.
"And how, pray tell, did you arrive at Hogwarts?"
Whoa, my dear Professor Disdain, are you yet living? I could have cut his derision with a rolled up newspaper. He was a master of eloquent tonal variations.
"Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley managed to transport themselves to where I was, and brought me back with them."
Snape frowned and furrowed his brow. "How delightful for you."
I nodded and continued, "Actually, they were a great help. I was dealing with fifty zombies, wait, you call them Inferi, at the time. It would have taken me a little longer to dispatch them if they hadn't shown up."
"Fifty?" He asked, in a tone that suggested that I was lying.
"Yes. I am told the Inferi here are quite a bit different from the zombies I'm used to. Ours remember who they were before they died, are quite insane, and much faster than normal people. Still flesh-eaters though."
"Fifty?" Snape repeated.
"That's what I said," I answered and started nibbling on the roll. Good yeasty roll! "Would you slide the roast beef this way when you have a moment?"
The serving platter slid into my field of view, so I stabbed a few slices with my fork. Apparently doing that was incredibly shocking. I tried to concentrate on eating and not the hushed whispers (that I could hear perfectly well) from the student body.
In due time, the dessert course came around and I nearly passed out. The calories at the table probably exceeded five digits. I noticed some shortbread, and asked Snape to pass the plate in my direction.
"How many would you like, Mister Guest?" Snape asked me.
"Three."
I suppose he used a spell, because three cookies levitated from the plate and sailed over to mine. Creepy. Incredibly creepy.
"How do you find our little feast here at Hogwarts?" Dumbledore called out to me.
"Abundant and delicious, Sir," I responded. "My compliments to the chef or chefs."
Dumbledore nodded in a very cheerful way and inquired how I would spend my evening. I responded that I'd probably be doing some quiet contemplation, since my day had turned out quite different from my expectations. He got a chuckle out of that.
"After your meal, please feel free to socialize with either the students or professors as pleases you. I am quite sure that many people have questions for you. I would, however, like the pleasure of your company in the morning. We have much to discuss."
"Thank you, Sir. You are very kind, and your hospitality leaves me quite humble."
Hagrid clapped and said, "Oh, well done tha', man! Well done!"
"Be quiet," Snape hissed.
"I feel as though I must agree with Hagrid, I have seldom had a guest at our table with such kind words!" Dumbledore laughed heartily.
The staff didn't really laugh along. There was a little tension somewhere, but I had no idea where or why. It occurred to me that I was a ping-pong ball being gently swatted back and forth, and the only person who seemed to enjoy it was Dumbledore.
** - HPDEB - **
Hermione stood up as soon as feast was finished and students began leaving the hall. She turned to Ron and Harry and told them that they needed to save Frank from the professors.
"He looks fine, standing up there talking to Burbage," Ron observed. "He'll be just fine."
"No. He knows you three." Neville stood up. "Were it me, in a new place, about to spend my whole night alone, I'd like to chat with familiar people for a while. Don't you think?"
"Exactly! Not only does he hold a wealth of information about amazing things, we've been charged to be hospitable. No decent hospitable person leaves a guest lonely!" Hermione saw the road to victory and promptly cut a path towards it. "What do you think, Harry?"
Harry ran a hand through his hair and gave the whole thing a moment's thought before he spoke.
"I agree with Neville. Loneliness is a terrible thing. Besides," Harry brightened, "I'd like to hear more about his adventures."
Ron caught on.
"That's right! He's amazin' that way! All blood, guts, heads and what!"
Hermione caught sight of Lavender hiding behind her boyfriend (ick!), and her face had gone quite pale. She kept her giggle at Lav's expense inside. It wasn't easy to do.
"Now that we're agreed, I'll go fetch him!" She spun around in a swoosh of wild hair and shot up the aisle.
** - HPDEB - **
I was talking with Professor Burbage about Muggle cooking when Hermione ran up.
"Professor Burbage, you mean to tell me you've never had barbeque?" I asked, totally surprised. Then again, I take familiar food for granted, and Hogwarts was definitely in the UK.
"No, but I'm terribly curious! Do you think you could help me make it, if you know how?"
With a big smile on my face, I told her I did and mentioned that we might need a type of grill that probably doesn't exist on campus.
"That's not an impediment! If we can find a photograph of it, we can conjure one, or have the elves make one!"
"Well, let's look into it then!" I didn't have to feign excitement.
"Excuse me, Professor, Mr. Stewart." Hermione finally spoke up. "We would like to invite Mister Stewart to our common room for the evening."
"Oh!" Burbage smiled. "Don't let me get in the way. Mister Stewart and I will have plenty of time to explore Muggle cookery later on. Have a lovely evening."
"Thank you, Professor. You too." Burbage wandered away and I was left with Miss Granger.
"Would you like to join us, Sir? There's so much we'd like to know about you and the things you've seen!"
"Sure. Let's go." I couldn't help but grin at her raw enthusiasm.
What surprised me is that she grabbed me and pulled me along. Assault with intent to socialize!
We passed by her peers at a reasonable clip, and she called over to them. "I have him! Let's go!"