The Spectacular Spider-Harem

by Diablo Ex Machina

Left broken after a large number of emotional traumas, a meeting with a pop-culture loving, cosmically-empowered, blogger babe causes Peter's life to take an interesting turn. You ever wonder just how big a harem can get before it starts to get ridiculous? Well Spidey is about to find out the answer to that question! Discontinued. Reboot Canceled!

6. RunawayRedheadRiderReligiousRevolution

Chapter 6 - Runaway Redhead Rider Religious Revolution

"Yeah Aunt May, I'll be working late tonight again." Peter spoke on the phone as he ran a new Spider-Man suit through a sewing machine. "I know you worry about me pulling these all-nighters, but I'm doing some really good work here. The advances Alchemax makes are really helping people. We've already got hundreds of orders for our new fabric from clothing manufacturers all over the world, and right now I'm working on a new metal alloy that should make cars safer for both drivers and pedestrians than they've ever been."

"Oh, aren't you just my little Einstein, Peter." May Parker doted over her nephew's accomplishments. "I know you're busy making the world a better place and all, but I can't help worrying that you might be pushing yourself a bit too hard."

"I'll be fine Aunt May." Peter assured her as he held up his suit to check for workmanship. "I've got a few friends here to keep me company and remind me to come up for air every so often. Trust me, everything's gonna be okay. Now I gotta get back to work, give Leah my love."

"I will dearie, remember to get some sleep. I'll be out shopping with Leah for the next few hours if you need us." May assured her nephew before hanging up.

"So Tiger, how's the new suit coming along?" Mary Jane asked curiously as she leaned on his desk.

"Couldn't be better." He grinned as he held it up for her to see. "With this new fabric I won't have to worry about the weather no matter the time of year. Winter, Summer, Electro attack, this thing can tank it all. And now that I'm done with mine, I can get to work on Gwen's new suit." He remarked happily as he pulled up a window on his computer, showing a design for a new female spider-suit. It was form-fitting, entirely black from the center of the chest area down, and white on everything else except for the underarms and lining of the hood, both of which were red with blue web designs on them. "Don't get me wrong, the 'his' and 'hers' spider-suits Gali made were nice and all, but Gwen's been dropping hints the past few weeks for something to give her a little more independence."

"I'm sure she'll love it, especially if it's made of something so sleek, shiny, soft, and stylish." Liz cooed as she ran her fingers across the fabric. "I definitely approve Petey." She smiled as she gave him a quick kiss.

"Don't get cocky Peter." Natasha reminded him strictly. "Remember, your biggest advantage against Electro and other goons like him isn't your strength, agility, or even your Spider-Sense. It's the fact that he's an arrogant, shortsighted moron who can barely even control his power, and you know just how to rile him up."

"Yes ma'am!" He saluted his girlfriend playfully, a gesture she returned. "By the way, let SHIELD and the Avengers know that their orders of polyfiber fabric are ready to be picked up at any time. I'd tell them myself, but they never gave me their numbers." He shrugged.

"Yeah, sorry about that." Natasha apologized gracefully. "They may be buying from you, but that doesn't mean they trust you."

"Does SHIELD trust anyone they don't sign a monthly paycheck for?" Peter asked rhetorically as he made his way to an unmoving grandfather clock and turned the hands to 8 and 10 before pulling on the pendulum, causing the whole thing to slide to the side and reveal a secret room.

"SHIELD agents get paid every other week actually." Natasha corrected him, not even reacting to the secret room like Mary Jane and Liz were. "But to answer your question, it's kind of a mixed bag. As an organization, SHIELD only places as much trust in people as we have to."

"And as individuals?" Peter went fishing for compliments knowingly.

"Some of us have people we trust with our lives." Natasha threw him a bone. "And the lives of others." She added on silently.

"I promise you Natasha, I'll do whatever I can to help you." Peter assured her sensitively, aware of what she was talking about. "I just need to get some of these other projects off the ground so that Alchemax will have enough funding to keep afloat while I'm working on some more personal pursuits."

"Speaking of personal pursuits, what's up with the secret room?" Liz asked in awe as she looked around at all the assorted nick-knacks haphazardly lining the various walls and shelves. "Is this your secret Spider-Web or something?"

"No, but that is a good name for a hideout." Peter answered as he hung his new suit up in a large transparent cylinder. "This actually used to be where Norman hid his personal collection of Green Goblin gear and a lot of other potentially dangerous things he was keeping to himself."

"Is it safe to be in here?" Mary Jane asked as she eyed a gladiator sword warily, the blade giving her a confusing feeling.

"Sure, just so long as you don't touch anything." Peter assured her. "I've already cleared out anything really dangerous, and some of these things will actually have some very interesting applications once I reverse engineer them. Take that gladiator sword for instance." He gestured at the sword MJ had been staring intently at for a while, only to panic when she picked it up. "I didn't mean that literally!" He nearly jumped out of his skin as he moved to grab the sword, only to meet with resistance when he grabbed her arm.

*Spider-Sense!*-She's gonna toss ya!

"Unhand me, Man!" MJ spat in disgust at Peter as she threw him at the case that he'd put his new suit in, cracking the casing.

"What's gotten into you, MJ?!" Liz demanded as she burst into flames, her clothes turning into her Firestar uniform and her hair turning red. "Why did you just judo throw your boyfriend into next week?"

"I know not who this Emjay or Judo you speak of are, vile demon!" MJ spoke in a semi-refined barbarian accent. "But I can assure you that there is no man alive able to court Red Sonja!" As she said this, a blinding light began emitting from her sword, and when it passed, where once stood an unassuming, if undeniably attractive, teenage girl was now a fully, and overly, developed woman in a scale-mail bikini with leather gloves and boots.

"...Haunted sword?" Peter asked tiredly as he pulled himself to his feet.

"Seems likely." Gali remarked as she and Deadpool teleported in at the desk, the galactic teen already typing away at the computer. "Can't say I know much on the subject though, which is why I brought Deadpool."

"Well that, and I haven't had that much screen time lately." The Merc with the Mouth added as he tipped his cowboy hat and adjusted his mask to hide the lipstick marks on his scared face. Wait, what?! "I was kinda in the middle of something with my lady friend Outlaw when I was teleported. Now if you don't mind I'd actually kinda like to be done with this so I can-HOLY SHIT, IS THAT RED SONJA?!"

"So you know of me, curious sorcerer who speaks in tongues." Red Sonja held her blade aloft threateningly as Deadpool just stared and drooled. "Tell me now why I have been summoned to this strange location, or prepare to have your head parted from your shoulders!"

"Put the blade down, bronze age." Black Widow threatened evenly as she set her wrist-mounted stingers to stun. "I don't know or care who you are or why you're haunting that sword, but you're possessing someone mildly important to me right now, and I think that she'd appreciate her body back."

"Your words and motions make no sense to me, but I can tell we are both fellow warriors my sister." Red Sonja remarked as she appraised her opponent as nonthreatening due to her apparent lack of weapons, her Hyborian age knowledge leaving her unaware of the advances in concealed weaponry and unarmed combat. "Explain to me why I have been summoned, and I shall-mmph!?" She was cut off by the webbing now covering her mouth.

"Okay, there are so many things wrong with what's happening right now, foremost of which is my girlfriend being possessed by some ancient warrior woman, who apparently never heard of the concept of modesty." Spider-Man quipped as he cautiously approached Red Sonja as she pulled the webbing on her face loose. "Now will you just calm down for a second so we can explain-"

*Spider-Sense!*-Bitch has a sword!

"Holy!" Spider-Man panicked as he ducked under a wide slash which decapitated a lovestruck Deadpool before being nonchalantly stopped by Gali's pinkie finger. "Okay, new rule. No trying to cut off body parts from anyone who won't regenerate!"

"A mere man in a jester's outfit dares to try and command me?!" Red Sonja growled in outrage as she noticed, much to her shock, that Deadpool was putting his head back on. She was so distracted that Black Widow was able to zap her with enough energy from her stingers to knock her out.

"Okay, anyone have any idea what that was all about?" Firestar asked as she poignantly glanced at Deadpool.

"What was that all about?!" Deadpool cried out excitedly as Spider-Man used his webs to yank the sword out of his girlfriend's hands. "This is Red Sonja! The ur-example of a warrior woman! The woman famed far and wide during the Hyborian age as undefeated! Not to mention the official holder of the title of single hottest woman in comic book history!"

"We get it, you know a lot about her." Spider-Man cut him off as he cautiously held the haunted blade on a thread at arm's length. "Do you know how we can get her out of MJ by any chance? Because just taking away the sword doesn't seem to be doing the trick." He glanced meaningfully at the unconscious gladiatrix.

"I'm getting to that." Deadpool whined in a pouty sort of way. "Anyway, the legends say that she was originally granted her tremendous strength, durability, and fighting prowess by Scathach, the Celtic goddess of battle, after her family was killed, while she was raped and sold into slavery. From that point on she switched between many roles, from slave gladiatrix, to soldier, to general, to queen of her own sovereign nation, and everything in between, and not necessarily in that order, or only once each."

"That's brutal." Firestar winced as she glanced at her possessed friend, hoping that whatever issues this Red Sonja had didn't seep over to Mary Jane. "So how do we get her out of Mary Jane?"

"Did you try taking away the sword? Because she can only possess redheads with it, and only while in physical contact with the weapon." He frowned when he saw the blade in Spider-Man's web, with Red Sonja still in control of Mary Jane's body. "Okay, so that's clearly not gonna work in this fic. Have you considered beating her up?" He asked honestly.

"Possessed or not, that's still my girlfriend's body she's using." Spider-Man protested bitterly. "There is zero chance of me fighting her seriously."

"Too bad, because that actually might have been your best option." Deadpool shrugged. "Her divine enhancement came with the condition that she never bed with any man unable to defeat her in fair combat, which is kinda stupid when you think about it, what with all fights being unfair by their very nature, and fairness only being a stupid rhetoric used by sore losers. Anyway, given that the writer is trying to be at least somewhat loyal to the source material he's using, and by that I mean there's gonna be some Adaptational Heroism, Adaptational Villainy, Composite Characters, and Decomposite Characters, beating her up one-on-one might be the only way to get your supermodel of a wife back from the devil. And yes, I did just make a derogatory 'One More Day' reference. Stay tuned for the next chapter, where we take a jab at the Clone Saga! It's a Spidey story, we pretty much have to."

"Ignoring most of what you just said, I think I've got the gist of it." Spider-Man frowned as he walked over to Red Sonja and began poking her. "So what? Do I just wait for her to come around and-"

*Spider-Sense!*-She's a light sleeper!

"Yipe!" Spider-Man jumped back to avoid a slash aimed at his head. "Okay, you've really got to start using your words, and quit it with the stabby stuff!"

"You vile curs shall not keep me here." Red Sonja hissed as she ran away. "I shall have my vengeance another day!"

"Not with MJ's body you won't!" Spider-Man declared as he gave chase. "If she finds out that I let her run around in a chainmail bikini while she was possessed, she'll totally kill me!" He panicked as he saw her running full tilt toward the window. "Wait a second, what do you think you're-"

*CRASH!*

"MARY JANE!" Peter panicked as he dived out the window after her.

"Not good, not good!" Firestar seconded as she flew out after them.

"Looks like this is gonna be a redhead chapter." Deadpool remarked conversationally. "Logan is gonna be so jealous when he hears about this. Oh well, he'll change his tune once Jean realizes what a tool Scooter is and go for the hunky Canadian dwarf ten times her age."

"Don't you have a rodeo to get back to, cowboy?" Black Widow asked him sarcastically.

"Right, gotta make sure not to keep the ladies waiting." The Merc with the Mouth nodded. "After Outlaw and I are done fooling around, I've got a job with Domino in a few hours, and I do NOT wanna miss that! Killing bad people always makes her so happy, doubly so if they're mutant haters, which they are. If I'm lucky, I'm gonna get laid twice tonight!" With that gleeful statement everyone was better off not hearing, he teleported away.

"What a freak." Black Widow frowned bitterly as she turned to Gali. "As for you, I have a few choice words to say to you."

"Let me guess, you're wondering why I erased your memory, other than the obvious fact that it was the best way to set you up with Peter of course." The young planet eater casually guessed.

"Start talking." The veteran spy ordered sternly.

"You're not gonna like it~" Gali teased in a sing-song voice.

---

Meanwhile - Outside

"Do you have a death wish or something?!" Spider-Man shouted as he dived after Red Sonja. "No, scratch that; you're already dead, and I'm not letting you take my girlfriend down with you!" He shot a web after her, which she deftly swerved to avoid before casually landing on the ground, the pavement cracking under her boots. "Okay, I guess this whole possession thing comes with a few perks." He whistled in awe as he slowed his own fall with a web swing. "And speaking of possession, that's nine-tenths of the law, which means nine out of ten things you're doing right now are illegal."

"Deceiver, I have broken no laws." Red Sonja denied as she maintained an angry exterior, while inside she was silently panicking. She didn't recognize anything in this strange land she'd come to, and there were no landmarks she could make sense of. The buildings were far larger than even the grandest of castles she'd ever seen, and the streets far more crowded than any city she'd been too before, especially at night time. She also made note of the odd looks she was getting, and the curious items people were pulling out. The moment she saw one such item give off a flash, she perceived it as an attack, and charged at the offender in defense, only for the one called Spider-Man to try and fire the sticky substance at her again.

"Okay, new rule." Spider-Man scowled as the onlookers scattered the moment they understood the danger. "No attacking the innocent civilians with the sharp pointy things."

"You claim that man innocent?" Red Sonja frowned as she began her assault on Spider-Man again, the hero once again wounding her pride by just dodging her attacks with practiced ease without retaliating. "He was attempting to blind me with his magic."

"Blind you with his-? That's a camera phone you moron!" Spider-Man corrected her in exasperation. "Were you raised in a cave or-! Oh wait, I forgot, you were raised in a cave." He joked as he easily danced just out of her reach.

"You dare mock my hardships?!" Sonja hissed as a missed strike cut a car in half like paper. "A cave would been a blessing compared to the gladiator pits I grew up in!" She cried out in pain as a blast of fire nailed her in the back before fizzling out against her invulnerable body.

"Will you give it a rest with the whole 'holier than thou' nonsense already?" Firestar remarked tiredly as she hovered twenty feet above the ground, Sonja quickly getting to her feet. "Seriously, what do you say you just get your ghostly butt out of my friend already, and we can call it a day?"

"You claim me to be a spirit?" Sonja was offended at the notion, barely paying notice to a young, colorfully dressed, and clearly uncoordinated girl running towards her. 'Most likely she looks for my protection from these demons. It is good that even in enemy territory there are those who recognize a protector when they see them.' She rationalized what she considered a wise but foolish move on the child's part before turning her attention back to the demons. "The only deceased things here will soon be yo-OOOOOUUUUUHHHHHH!" She yelled in pain as the young girl uppercut her in the gut, sending her flying over forty meters in the air, and over a hundred away.

"Uuuhhhhh..." Spider-Man stared on in awe and more than a little fear at the now whooping little girl that just punched his possessed girlfriend into the next county. "I literally have no words to describe what just happened, and this is coming from me; I always have words to describe everything, and usually very witty words at that. Hell, I even have words to describe how I don't have words to describe something; these words to be specific. Words which, by my very nature, should be totally redundant."

"How about awesomazing!?" The little girl hopped up to Spider-Man excitedly. "Is that even a word? Well it is now, because I just made it up. So what did you think, pretty impressive isn't it? Good enough to be sidekick material, don't you think? Can I be your sidekick Mr. Spider-Man? Do you need a sidekick?! HAA, who's the pretty flamey lady? Is she your girlfriend?"

"Woah there, one question at a time." Spider-Man courageously tried to calm her down. "Are you on a massive sugar high or something?"

"Duh, she was fighting you, and since you're Spider-Man that makes her a bad guy." The little girl rolled her eyes as if it were obvious.

"She does kinda have a point." Firestar remarked as the little girl let out a yawn and fell against Spider-Man. "And a major sugar crash by the looks of things."

"Molly!" A black haired, pseudo-Asian teen in gothic attire cried worriedly as she ran over and picked up the little girl. "How many times do I have to tell you to stay out of sight and don't use your powers in public? You had me worried sick."

"Had to Nico," Molly yawned groggily. "Mr. Spider-Man needed my help."

"For the record, I'd just like to say that I didn't need, nor ask for her help." Spider-Man denied vehemently when Nico sent him an angry glare. "Also, your friend just kinda launched an innocent, albeit possessed woman into another timezone." Suddenly sirens started going off. "And now the police are here, great."

"Police?!" Nico panicked as she adjusted her grip on Molly before taking off sprinting.

"Hang on, where do you think you're going?" Spider-Man questioned as he grabbed her to keep her from running off. "Right now there are about three or four majorly weird things going on, and I get the feeling you're connected to at least one or two of them."

"Not my problem!" Nico protested as she struggled to remove herself from his grip. "Look, if that girl Molly sent flying is really innocent, then don't you think you should be going to help her right now?"

"Widow and Star can take care of getting back the supermodel, Webs." Deadpool told Spider-Man, the web-slinger not even fazed by his presence by this point. "Right now we have work to do with the Runaways. Before you ask, yes, I said we, because there's a clause in my contract that says I need to have a major roll in any chapter involving one or more Infinity Gems to provide necessary exposition. Now if you don't mind, I'd kinda like to put a rush on this, because I've got a hot date in a few hours, and I really don't wanna miss my chance to get lucky. Heh, lucky, that's funny if you know what Domino's powers are, besides making pizza."

"Ignoring most of what you just said, if there really is an Infinity Gem involved, then I need to prioritize that." Spider-Man frowned as he turned to Firestar and Black Widow, the latter of whom had just arrived in a very sullen mood. "Do the two of you think you can get to where Red Sony landed and keep her from causing any more trouble, maybe even get her to depossess her host? And yes, I know it's pronounced Red Sonja, I'm just trying to find some humor, any humor in all this nonsense. It's what I do, I can't help it, and I'm really desperate right now."

"We're on it." Firestar saluted as she scooped up Black Widow and flew off in the direction MJ had been sent flying.

"Is it just me, or did Black Widow look very unhappy just now? I mean, more so than usual at least." Spidey asked Deadpool as Nico managed to break free. "And just where do you two think you're going?" He glanced at Nico and Molly as they tried to get away just as the police arrived.

"Freeze! Put your hands up you costumed punks!" One of the officers demanded as they pulled out their guns.

"Dammit, I don't have time for this!" Nico hissed as she pulled out a box cutter. Just as Spider-Man was about to stop her from trying to attack the cops who were just doing their jobs, the Asian goth surprised him when she slit her own palm.

'Okay, I didn't know she was that kind of goth!' His panic turned to more surprise when a meter long metal staff with a large ring fixed to one end popped out of her cut. "Possessed swords, super strong little girls, staffs appearing out of cuts, exactly how much more magic stuff am I gonna see tonight?" He asked rhetorically.

"Disco Fever!" Nico shouted as she pointed her staff at the cops, causing them to spontaneously break out in hives and start dancing to the tune of the Earth, Wind, and Fire hit song September, which they were farting and burping in seven part harmony.

"...Again, I have no words to describe this." Spider-Man frowned as the two girls made a break for it. "Should we... I don't know... follow them, or something? I mean, the part of me that isn't scared of them and wants to arrest them after that display kinda wants to study them in action."

"Who needs to follow them? I know where they're bunking while they're in town. Quick Spider-Man, grab my belt!" Deadpool declared dramatically.

"Only if you promise not to make a crude joke or fly off with a rainbow trail streaking out of your butt." Spidey rebuked as he did as instructed, the duo teleporting away and leaving behind the flash mob of sick police officers.

---

Meanwhile - With Firestar & Black Widow

"Natasha, I've gotta ask, what's with the frowny face?" Firestar asked her sister girlfriend as they flew over the New York skyline in search of Red Sonja. "You look like you ate two raw lemons today instead of just one."

"I really don't wanna talk about it." Black Widow remarked bitterly. "You'd just laugh at me if you knew, after all."

"Widow, I would never laugh at you, if only because I know you'd kill me if I did." Firestar assured her. "Now be honest, what's got you extra angry?"

"...I just asked Galacta why she wiped mine and Silver's memories a few weeks ago." Natasha relented grudgingly. "Aside from setting us both up with Spider-Man that is."

"The answer was less than pleasant, wasn't it?" Firestar smiled in rueful sympathy at Natasha's plight.

"She did it because the coincidence was too funny to pass up." Natasha frowned in disdain. "Silver and I were both in the same building hacking the same computers to try and set ourselves up in the same undercover position at the same time. That was just a side reason though; the main reason is that we changed the system so many times so quickly before we encountered each other and began fighting that it messed up wi-fi signals all over the city."

"Hold on, you're saying that she sealed away most of your memories because you were keeping her from blogging?" Firestar gagged as she tried desperately to stifle a laugh. "Sorry, I'm not laughing... I-I just swallowed a bug, that's all." She insisted.

"You know I'm too smart to fall for that bit." Black Widow reminded her. "Lucky for you I don't have time to address it. I just spotted Mary Jane." She pointed to a street corner where people were running away from a confused looking woman who was cutting through cars in a rage.

"Here's hoping she's willing to listen to reason." Firestar frowned doubtfully as she flew down.

"With people suddenly displaced from their own time, there's usually about a fifty-fifty chance of reason working." Black Widow remarked conversationally, her statement getting her an odd look from Firestar. "I've lead an interesting life." Was all she said on the subject before they landed.

---

Meanwhile - Just Outside Alchemax HQ

"You're certain that they came this way." A woman with long wavy blonde hair dressed like Captain America addressed an officer.

"Absolutely." A female officer frowned as she turned to her still sickly and dancing coworkers. "Just look at what those maniacs did to some of my best men, not to mention the fact that that menace Spider-Man was with them. I swear, it's bad enough a bunch of super powered runaway brats have been on some twisted cross country crime spree, but now they've teamed up with the biggest local menace of New York."

"How many times do I have to say that Spider-Man's a good guy before you believe it?" A male officer shook his head disapprovingly at his partner. "Honestly, from what our guys are managing to tell us through their... conditions... they have no proof that Spider-Man was working with them."

"If he's such a good guy, then why didn't he stop those delinquents before they did this to our officers?" The female demanded skeptically.

"Can you give me any unbiased information about what happened here that you can actually confirm beyond any shadow of a doubt?" The shield toting woman tapped her foot impatiently before glancing at the female officer. "And for the record officer, please don't confuse inaction with malice; remember that heroes don't have to risk their lives to protect the unaware innocents. Whether you believe it or not, most people are thankful for what help and protection they can get from things they can't protect themselves from." The frustrated and bitter look on the officer's face at her telling off left the young hero more satisfied than she felt comfortable being.

"Only that Spider-Man followed the runaways with some lookalike, and a few of his friends flew off after some gladiator woman in, get this, a chain mail bikini. And the gladiator woman was sent flying for miles by one punch from a little girl." The male officer could barely restrain his laughter after seeing the disbelieving looks he was getting from the women. "I swear, I wish I could make up something like this."

"That little girl must be Molly Hayes." The Captain America lookalike frowned in concentration as she pulled out a photo with six kids pictured in it; four girls and two boys, each one looking happy and innocent. "Hard to believe six kids could kick up such a fuss, powers or no powers."

"Is there anything else we can do to help you American Dream?" The female officer asked.

"Just see if you can get those other officers some medical attention." American Dream winced as the disco farts and belches began to wind down and the officers collapsed in exhaustion as their rashes quickly vanished. "See if there are any lasting side effects of 'Disco Fever'." She pinched the bridge of her nose as she tried not to imagine the headlines this would no doubt make the next day. "I've got some possible leads to follow up on." She remarked as she slung her shield across her back and hopped on her motorcycle, speeding off into the night.

Once she was gone the male officer turned to his female counterpart. "...So, what do you think she is?" He asked hesitantly.

"I have absolutely no idea; the rumors are all over the place." The woman sighed tiredly. "Some say she's Captain America's opposite sex clone, some say she's his illegitimate daughter, or his lover, or an attempt to recreate the super soldier serum in someone completely unrelated to him. They're all so crazy I can't really bring myself to believe any of them."

"I heard a rumor on this blog that she's his niece from another dimension, and was brought to our dimension along with Captain Americas from all over the multiverse to stop a race of amazon warrior women from the future from taking over the world and enslaving all men." The male officer shuddered at the thought, though whether it was in fear or arousal is best left unknown. "Then, after helping to save the world, she stayed so she could always stand by the side of the man she had come to love."

"Get your head out of the clouds, and your mind out of the gutter, and help me write up a report on this, will ya?" His partner rolled her eyes tiredly. "Seriously, it's not our business as to how American Dream became a Young Avenger, and even if it was, there's no way it'd be something as crazy as that."

However, as American Dream, aka Shannon Carter, was speeding off kilometers away on her motorbike, she found her heart clenching as she feared for what her beloved Spider-Man had gotten himself into this time. 'I haven't seen you since we stopped Superia and her Femizons from taking over the world, and now you're getting tangled up in something I fear may be even bigger than anything else before. I know you live a dangerous life Peter, and I know you're more than capable of handling yourself, but I can't help worrying this may be too big for even us to handle.'

---

Meanwhile - Western New York State Border

'Finally, after three weeks of being forced to toil away for those reptile fetishists, and another ten days covering my tracks and changing my identity and face as I trudge my way home, I'll finally be able to regain my kingdom!' Thought a very ugly looking man with an oversized hooked nose, bald head, and a huge mouth contorted in an uneven grin as he drove a heavily loaded pickup truck towards a tollbooth. 'HYDRA may have forced a powerful bioweapon out of my genius, but those fools gave me just the tools I needed to make my escape, and reach my greatest achievement yet! Soon Spider-Man, I'll make you pay for everything you took from me! And you too Little Harry!' Norman Osborn was barely able to contain his maniacal laughter as he checked the two large containers under the tarp of his pickup truck. Clearly whatever he had gone through while in the clutches of HYDRA had turned a man who once only faked insanity to cover his tracks, into a truly unhinged and depraved individual. 'Just a little further now, and I'll soon have regained everything that was stolen from me, including a son I can actually take pride in!'

Norman was so focused on his unhinging obsessions that he barely noticed the roar of a powerful, borderline unearthly engine in time to make a passing glance behind him. Perhaps it would have been better if he didn't though, for what he saw in that fraction of a second further changed him for the rest of his life. It was an unholy combination of human engineering and who knows what that sped down the road, flippantly ignoring all laws of both man and nature. A motorcycle with tires engulfed in searing hot flames, an engine that roared like a thousand tortured souls of the damned, and its rider was covered in jet black leather, with their head nothing more than a fleshless skull wreathed in the flames of hell itself. As the infamous Ghost Rider sped past Norman Osborn, his eyes met empty eye sockets for a a mere fraction of a second, but that was all that was needed for Osborn's crimes to burn his face beyond all recognition, in a process so painful that a lesser man would have died instantly, his crimes so great that even a passing glance from the widely feared Penance Stare was enough to kill under normal circumstances. As Norman desperately jumped out of his car and rolled on the streets to extinguish his burning skin against the jagged pavement, the hard, rocky surface was actually mercifully soft compared to the infernal flames that engulfed the whole of his now brutally scarred head for only a few seconds.

While this incident was extremely life changing and damaging for the already unhinged Norman; to the surprisingly well endowed (for a skeleton) Alejandra Jones, it barely even registered as a minor event compared to her self-imposed mission that had coincidentally led her to the city of lights on that night.

---

Meanwhile - Back With Spider-Man & Deadpool

"Luuucccyy, I'm hoooome!" Deadpool catcalled when he and Spidey arrived at a dimly lit warehouse, the duo quickly dodging a bolt of energy and a wave of fire with minimal effort. "Something tells me they weren't expecting house guests." Deadpool shrugged as he put out the fire on his head.

"Don't shoot!" Spider-Man held up his hands in a placating motion, trying to diffuse a situation that didn't need to happen. "We're friendlies... I think, my chauffeur wasn't exactly a hundred percent clear on where he was taking me." He decided to press his luck once several seconds of no lasers or fire had come and gone. "Maybe you've heard of me, I'm your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man?" He offered hopefully.

"How did you find us?" A voice, teenage male by the sounds of it, demanded from behind a crate.

"Ask the guy with the teleporter belt, I don't even know who you guys are to be honest." Spider-Man shrugged, glad they were at least willing to talk.

"They're the Runaways, a group of five loyal friends and their pet dinosaur from the west coast who, well, ran away from home when they found out their parents were the criminal masterminds of The Pride, and had been sacrificing hookers in crazy rituals for the past twenty-four years in an effort to wipe out humanity and obtain immortality." Deadpool explained, several kids and a deinonychus of all things peering cautiously around the crates as he spoke. "The Runaways consist of the powerless super genius son of thieves, Alex Wilder! The straight C, jock son of mad scientists, who stole fire controlling gauntlets and x-ray goggles, the latter of which he uses to peek on girls, from his parents, Chase Stein! The overweight, cynical and snarky daughter of time travelers with a psychic link to her pet dinosaur, Gertrude Yorkes and Old Lace! The lesbian daughter of solar radiation absorbing and projecting aliens who sold out their home planet to the Skrulls out of spite, who also has a male suitor in the form of an arranged marriage she knows nothing about that could stop an interplanetary war, Karolina Dean! The young daughter of mutant psychics with mutant strength on par with Hulk, not the She- variety, straight up Hulk-level, Molly Hayes! And finally, their unofficial leader, the Goth-Loli Mahou Shojou herself, wielding the fabled Staff of One, said to be able to make even the highest order of demons tremble in fear, Nico Minoru!" By the end of his long spiel the last two members had finally gotten back from running away from the crime scene earlier, both of them very shocked to see that the very people they were running from had gotten to their hideout before them.

"The crazy guy sure does talk a lot, doesn't he?" Molly chuckled innocently almost immediately after Deadpool finished, quickly defusing the tension that had been building since their arrival.

"Trust me, you don't even know the half of it kiddo." Spider-Man chuckled as he playfully mussed up her Hello Kitty wool cap. "So I take it your name is Molly?"

"That's me!" Molly jumped up and down as her friends tried to get her to settle down before her playfully excited bouncing could cause a small earthquake. "I can't believe I'm actually meeting you; live, in person! I have got to be your biggest fan EVER!"

"Molly, settle down already, would ya?" An athletic blonde in a Letterman jacket with goggles resting on his head and large metal gauntlets encompassing his hands managed to calm her down. "I'm totally stoked to meet a real hero too, but you don't see me half destroying our base with the bunny hop."

"Right, sorry about that Chase." Molly grinned sheepishly before darting around with her arms outstretched like an airplane. "But this is still the best thing we could hope for, right? I mean, I have no idea who his new sidekick in the cheep knockoff costume is, but now that we're working with a real hero like Spider-Man, he can totally lead us to victory, stop the evil plans of our parents and save the world!"

"Heh, she just called you a sidekick in a knockoff costume." Spidey couldn't resist making a dig at Deadpools' expense.

"Just you wait for the other shoe to drop, Webs. We'll see who's still laughing after that." Wade sulked vengefully.

"Molly, stay away from that... that menace!" A girl with glowing kaleidoscope skin and hair and the figure of a junior model quickly pulled the little girl away from the duo and shielded her behind herself. Personally, Peter thought that wasn't the brightest move she could have made just now, ironically because all her glowing might damage Molly's eyes. "You may fool some kids into thinking you're a hero, but I still stay up to date on current events." She remarked as she fumbled around behind her before brandishing a recent issue of the Daily Bugle in front of her like some kind of holy shield. "The Bugle says you're a menace to society, and unlike most kids today, I still put well earned faith in upstanding icons of the media."

"Karol, put that litter box liner down before you give yourself a papercut." A slightly stocky girl in glasses, mismatched grunge clothes and purple hair dye casually flicked her friend in the forehead before snatching the newspaper and happily ripping it to pieces, her pet dinosaur making her best effort to laugh at the amusement her master was sharing with her. "I thought you would know better by now than to put too much faith in first impressions. Honestly, I gave those Spider-Man articles the Bugle did a passing glance, and I nearly barfed from how transparent and egotistical the guy at the head of that gilded tower of lies is. The only reason Jameson forces the people at the Bugle to print this blatantly untrue slandering bullshit is because he's ticked off that Spider-Man is rightfully more popular than his mentally defective astronaut son."

"It's official, Gert is now my favorite." Spidey grinned at the perceptiveness and wittiness of the girl. "Seriously, after just a few seconds of listening to you I can already tell we're gonna get along great. Anyone who can sum up J. Jonah Jerkface so easily and sarcastically is practically a saint in my book."

"Yes, not that this hasn't been a very informative little get together, but we really have our own issues to deal with." Nico cut in as she physically separated them, placing her Staff of One between them to serve as an unspoken threat. "So if you don't mind we'd very much appreciate it if you let us get back to our own problems, while you go deal with yours."

"Not before they tell us who the traitor is." Gert casually protested the protectiveness of her friend, causing everyone except Old Lace and Deadpool to gasp in shock. "Okay, Nico and Molly weren't here at the time, so they're excused, but you three heard Rambo here talking about us just now." She glanced at Alex, Karolina and Chase as she jerked her thumb in Deadpool's direction. "He described us as a group of FIVE loyal friends and a dinosaur, and then went on to give incredibly accurate descriptions of all of us, using information even some of us aren't aware of; by the way Karol, remind me to ask him for more details about your closet homosexuality and male fiance you didn't know about later. And Chase, I better be the only girl you're using those x-ray goggles on." She made a deliberately mischievous aside to the glowing girl and the blonde jock, who both lit up, literally in Karol's case, in embarrassment. "Given how much he obviously loves talking and going all fanboy, I highly doubt he'd make such a blatant mistake without at least trying to correct it. Ergo, one of us is probably a traitor, selling us out to our parents as we speak; the only question now is who?"

"Gert, that man is clearly insane." An African American boy with glasses and an afro tried to reason with her. "Hell, how do we know he isn't a spy sent by our parents to try and sow dissent among us? Wasn't it you who said that all adults are evil?"

"Hey, I resemble that remark!" Deadpool protested mockingly before cracking up. "Okay, I am a little on the crazy side, but this intel I'm spitting is totally on the level, I swear! Don't believe me, just ask Webs here." He slung his arm over Spider-Man's shoulders "Seriously, the HUD he's installed in his new suit has a direct link to a database chock full of criminal intel!"

"How do you know I installed a HUD in my new suit?" Spider-Man narrowed his lenses at Deadpool suspiciously, even as he tapped the spider logo on his chest, underneath which, woven into his suit, was the Omega Drive. This caused the HUD in his lenses to start streaming the data from it.

"Dude, you're a turbo nerd with disposable income, moonlighting as a super hero, and you just updated your wardrobe. I'd be very disappointed in you if you didn't install a HUD in your suit." Deadpool deadpanned as if it were an obvious deduction.

"...It's scary just how much sense that makes." Spider-Man was forced to admit as he sorted through the lines of text flashing before his eyes. "Now let's see here: searching for The Pride, subsection Runaways, keyword 'informant'... and here we go!" He grinned to himself as less than ten files came up. "Not much to go on here, just a single note left in the ruins of the Hayes household from the night you ran away that says 'I'm still on your side - Signed Anonymous'. Other than that it's just a short series of intel reports updating them on your position and activities; but there is one unique one that details your strengths and weaknesses. Alex is powerless but smart, Chase is incompetent with his tools but provides comic relief, Molly has no attention span and tires easily but is stronger than the Hulk, Karolina is weak-willed but versatile, Gert is paranoid and cynical but highly observant, Nico is barely scratching her potential, but serves as glue to us all and could easily defeat The Pride if she opened her mind a bit. Does any of this mean anything to you guys?" He asked the Runaways collectively.

"Okay, whoever this mole is is about to get a serious beating!" Chase frowned as he clashed his metallic fists together, momentarily igniting a pillar of flame behind him. "Where does this tool get off calling me the comic relief?! I'm totally the most athletic one here!"

"We do not have a mole in the group!" Karolina insisted adamantly, bordering on blind stubbornness. "Every one of us saw the horrible things our parents are capable of, and we've all been through so much together! There's no way any of us would go back to those... those people after what we saw them do!" She struggled to not fully dehumanize their parents, showing just how conflicted she was.

"Why doesn't Nico just cast a spell to reveal the traitor?" Molly suggested sleepily, causing everyone to gape at her in shock. "What?" She asked in confusion once she noticed the stares she was getting

"...I don't know what's more shocking; what you just said, or the fact that you said it." Gert was the first that managed to speak once the shock wore off. "Are you sure you're not secretly a super genius? Because that idea is too perfect to pass up!" She cheered as she lifted Molly up like a parent and child playing rocketship.

"Will everyone just cool their jets for a moment?!" Nico pleaded angrily. "We're all getting way too ahead of ourselves here! Do you all honestly believe that just because some local superhero and his lunatic friend says that there's a mole among us, that that automatically makes it so?!"

"Nico..." Gert winced as she glanced aside guiltily. "This is Spider-Man we're talking about." She defended the stance she had taken as if that simple statement summed up more defense than even the most eloquent lawyer in the world could conjure - which it totally did, if the nods Molly and Chase were giving to second the idea were anything to go by.

"Am I really so highly regarded in the super hero community?" Spider-Man asked Deadpool curiously, the idea of being respected and well known totally foreign to the young super hero.

"Mostly just in the state of New York, but the stuff you do spreads like wildfire across the internet, especially since Galacta started blogging about you." The Merc With The Mouth answered as the Runaways continued to heighten their debate in volume and anger.

"Remind me to thank her for improving my image later." Spidey grinned under his mask, once again finding himself in the increasingly odd, comfortable, and oddly comfortable position of being grateful that he was drugged and raped by a cosmic being capable of eating planets, with some unknown endgame revolving him and their unborn bastard child in her mind. However, for the moment he was more focused on the group of kids that were becoming increasingly fractured by their presence. "Should we do something about them? I mean, it is kinda our fault that they're fighting like this, and clearly you know a lot more than you let on, so I'm guessing there's a good chance you know who the mole is."

"Some people might consider me borderline omniscient." Deadpool teased playfully, getting an uninterested 'yeah right' glance from Spidey's lenses. "But I'm really only as in the know as the plot demands. The best way to think of my intel is like cheap Mexican food; it goes by so fast that you don't have time to fully process or understand it before your stomach gets queasy, the shit hits the fan, and everything starts to stink to high heaven."

"Remind me never to eat your cooking, or go to you for euphemisms." Spidey quipped as he casually turned his attention back to the Runaways, reminiscing back to a time when he was as high-strung as they were about the hero business.

"Look, can we all just shelve this topic for later?" Alex suggested calmly as he got between his friends, trying to diffuse the tension even as he spared an angry glance at Spider-Man and Deadpool, who casually and mockingly waved at him in response. "We all know that Nico doesn't exactly get unlimited uses out of her magic, and we have to save it for when it matters. We've all been through a lot together, and we know from experience that we can't turn to anybody but ourselves, so why are we putting so much stock into what these people say?"

"While we're on the topic, how exactly does her magic work?" Spider-Man interjected curiously. "I mean, I know she can use it to make a bunch of cops burst out in a musical number while belting out a tune with their bodily gasses, but other than that I'm a little sketchy on the details."

"Holy Shit! Did you actually take my 'Disco Fever' suggestion without me around?!" Chase pouted at Nico. "I really, really wanted to see that!"

"Oh for the love of-" Nico threw her hands up with an exasperated grunt before holding out her staff. "This is the Staff of One; I can use it to conjure up any magical effect I want just by saying what I want to happen, but I can't use any specific words to command it more than once in my life, and it's also incredibly intuitive. So for instance, if I were to say Expose Traitor and I actually meant it-"

"Uhh, Nico..." Karolina cut in awkwardly, stopping her friend's train of thought as everyone in the room was uncomfortably avoiding looking in her direction all of a sudden. "You might wanna look behind you; or not, preferably not."

"What are you talking-OH MY GOD!" Nico panicked as she turned away from what she got a brief glimpse of behind her. "ALEX, why the hell are you naked?!"

"I don't know!" The African-American kid panicked as he hid behind a crate, desperately fidgeting his hands about the ground to pick up torn scraps of clothing, only to get cut on the sharp edge of his broken glasses. "My clothes just fell to ribbons all of a sudden!"

"Wait a second... it didn't just happen all of a sudden..." Chase's eyes lit up in bitter realization. "Nico said 'Expose Traitor' and that's exactly what happened! Alex is the one selling us out! Take That!" He shouted in accusation as he pointed at their indecent former friend.

"That Phoenix Wright reference is a bit gratuitous and forced, don't you think?" Deadpool noted casually.

"Maybe, but I always wanted to point and shout at a criminal once they're cornered. You understand, right?" Chase shrugged sheepishly, getting an immediate understanding nod and thumbs up from Deadpool.

"...Alex... you... how could you?!" Nico hissed in a combination of disbelief, pain and anger that was just plain painful to hear.

"Nico, please!" Alex pleaded as he slowly inched out of his cover. "You have to understand, everything I did was-mmph!" The webbing fired at his mouth cut off anything he was about to say.

"Yeah, I'm not in the mood to hear some loony trying to rationalize selling out his friends for selfish and self-centered gain." Spider-Man frowned coldly as he fired off a few more webs to cover and contain Alex, leaving him webbed up and wobbling on his feet. "And don't even try to tell me that that isn't the exact reason you did it, because I've seen your type before, and I know that nobody with the guts to runaway from criminal parents before they can even drive is cowardly enough to turn back out of fear, let alone premeditating it all before his friends even knew what their parents were doing." While Peter was just guessing at some of what happened, the way Alex's eyes widened in shock made it clear that he'd hit the nail on the head.

"What are you talking about?" Nico gasped at Spider-Man before glaring with hostility at Alex. "What is he talking about?!"

"This is just a guess on my part, but he probably led you into discovering those sacrificial rituals your parents were doing, didn't he?" Spider-Man answered for the gagged traitor. "My guess is that he wanted that immortality Deadpool mentioned for himself. He wanted it so badly that he was willing to sell out everybody else to get it. How is that, am I in the ballpark?" He asked crossly as he ripped the webbing from Alex's mouth.

"You don't know anything!" Alex shouted desperately as his furious former friends closed in around him. "The immortality was meant to be for six people! My family and the Minorus would-" He stopped when Molly punched him in the face hard enough to knock out at least seven teeth, break his nose, and send him crashing into a stack of crates.

"So this is just about you and me, is it?" Nico glared at him furiously as she stomped over to him ominously, her eyes lighting up with a mystical purple glow as her anger brought some of her innate magical potential to the surface. "This has always been about you and me, hasn't it?! I know you've been into me for years, and when we started a relationship after running away I was actually happy! Can you believe that? After running away from home and losing everything I ever knew and trusted, even my own parents, plus my image of them, and except my closest friends, I was actually HAPPY!"

"Nico, calm down!" Spider-Man urged her gently, the situation quickly spiraling out of control. "I know you're angry at him, but don't cross this line. I know betrayal hurts, I've seen and experienced it myself enough times to know that just going over the line and killing the source of all your anger is so tempting, but you have to resist it. Killing him won't make you feel better, it'll just make you feel empty."

"...What do you know, anyway?" Nico asked him honestly, momentarily diverting her attention from an increasingly frightened traitor. "How would you know if killing him won't make the pain go away? Have you ever killed anyone who hurt you? Was it really as empty as all those old after school specials say it is, or were those morons just painting a pretty lie to try and hide how amazing revenge really is?"

"Actually, the human brain is hardwired to process pleasure and revenge in very similar ways, so it's technically a scientific fact that revenge does feel very satisfying, and grants those who were wronged a sense of closure." Deadpool explained like some after school special as a rainbow that said 'The More You Know' on it flashed behind him in his imagination.

"Deadpool Sense, Spider-Man's pissed off at you." One of Deadpool's internal voices deadpanned sarcastically.

"Hey, it's not my fault that millions of years of evolution have seen fit to make it so that humans and human sub-species equate revenge with emotional satisfaction and a sense of closure." Deadpool defended himself to the biting glare of Spider-Man. "If you wanna blame anyone, blame the natural course of evolution, and to a lesser extent Gaea and the Celestials for modifying the human race in its early stages so that various genetic anomalies would eventually give rise to the likes of Mutants, Inhumans, Atlantians, Gods, and an assortment of other miscellaneous sentient species." Once again, not surprisingly, everyone was staring at the mercenary as though he'd grown a second head, which he just might one day given his mutated cancer.

"...Ignoring Deadpool, as I always do, I've never killed anyone myself, and I don't plan to. Ever." Spider-Man noted resolutely. "But I've seen what it can do to people who give into it, how extreme it can make them act. Ever heard of the Punishers? I've seen them in action, did my best to try and stop them too. Their whole lives are dominated by revenge, by brutally killing as many criminals as they can to try and make themselves fell better about all their tragedies. I honestly don't know whether what they do really does make them feel better or not, but I know that once you take that first life in cold blood, it just doesn't stop. It never stops until it destroys you. Do you want that to be your life?" He asked her desperately, causing her resolve to weaken, and the purple glow in her eyes to die down.

"No. I don't." Nico sighed reluctantly as she lowered her staff and turned back to Alex. "I hate you for what you've done Alex, Mentally Retarded or not though, you don't deserve death." She quickly turned away from her ex-boyfriend and addressed the remainder of her team. "Let's just leave this jerk here and call the cops on him, we have more important things to take care of. Namely, stopping our parents from succeeding in the final stages of their twisted plans."

"How are we going to find them though?" Chase asked worriedly as she signaled for them all to follow her outside. "Alex was the one we relied on to track them to this city for their final sacrifice, but now that we know he's been a traitor this whole time, all of the 'leads' he gave us before are doubtful at best."

"We have another lead, and a much better one at that." Nico turned to Spider-Man, and to a lesser extent Deadpool, the glimmer of hope in her eyes shining through the mental stress of finding out her boyfriend was secretly evil. "You knew we had a traitor, you have intel on our parents, if anybody knows where our parents will be sacrificing their final tribute to their masters, it's gonna be one of you two."

"They don't have that kind of information." A new voice interjected as the star-spangled sweetheart American Dream stepped into the light. "But perhaps I could help you."

"Does everyone know where we live?!" Gert cried out in dull exasperation as American Dream walked forward. "What's the point of a secret base if everyone knows where we-" She stopped short when she and everyone else saw American Dream lifting up Spider-Man's mask just enough to make out with him. "Hello." She barely kept herself from laughing as she covered Molly's impressionable young eyes and elbowed her boyfriend to keep him from staring.

"I've missed you so much Spidey!" American Dream practically squealed as she hugged him. "When you disappeared just after we beat Superia I was worried it might be years before I saw you again! But now we're back together, and we can finally be a team, just like you promised." She sighed dreamily as the tall young woman pulled his head into her bosom, earning Chase another gentle elbow to the gut from his girlfriend.

"...Do I know you?" Spider-Man asked her nervously as she let him out of her cleavage. "I mean, you're making out and talking with me like you know me, but I don't know you, at least I think I don't. Then again, in my defense, I'm kinda used to girls I just met making out with me for reasons I don't fully understand."

"You don't remember me?" American Dream looked hurt and confused at her boyfriend's words, causing him to get a knot in his gut from guilt, even if he didn't know why. Suddenly her eyes lit up as she playfully smacked her forehead. "Of course you don't remember me, we haven't met yet. Or rather, you haven't met me yet, but I've met you and - never mind, just take this." She smiled as she pulled an envelope out of her pocket and held it out.

*Spider-Sense!*-It's a trap!

'A letter is a trap?' Spider-Man thought uncertainly as the tingle of his Spider-Sense tingled stronger than ever. 'And why is it setting off my Spider-Sense more than even the Sinister Six ever managed? What could be so dangerous about a simple letter, if that's even what it is.'

"Oh, by the way, this letter comes with a password." American Dream remembered. "With great power comes great responsibility."

"No way..." Peter gasped in shock at this complete stranger somehow knowing the famous words of his uncle that he held so close and dear to his heart. Immediately he knew he could trust this woman, no matter how much his Spider-Sense told him not to. So, even as his Spider-Sense was beginning to physically hurt him from ignoring it, he grit his teeth and took the letter. "Let's see what we have here." He winced in pain as he opened the letter and took a look.

*Spider-Sense!*-Don't read it!

'Dear Peter.' Spider-Man began reading the letter to himself, barely able to keep his eyes open through the pain in his mind. 'I know you're in pain right now, so I'll make this brief. You need to trust Shannon Carter with your life, and follow the enclosed map exactly from the moment you get it. Always keep an open mind, and learn to trust in more than just your Spider-Sense. It's a tool granted to you by a quirk of biology, nothing more.'

*Spider-Sense!*-DON'T LOOK AT THE MAP!

'Okay, this is just getting ridiculous!' Peter grunted as he handed the map to Shannon, for that was who the patriotically garbed heroine had to be. "Do you think you could lead the way? I'm not so good with maps." He lied as smoothly as he could through his slowly receding headache.

"No problem." American Dream accepted the map and gave it a quick once over. "Huh, the route looks a bit roundabout, but you're the one who gave me this letter in the first place, so I guess you know what you're doing."

"Of course I do." Spider-Man rolled his eyes in exasperation as he turned his attention to Deadpool. "I don't suppose the Infinity Gem tied to all of this is the Time Gem, is it?"

"That's the second to last Infinity Gem we have scheduled, so I'm gonna say no." Deadpool answered smoothly. "This time we're after the Soul Gem, which grants complete control over, you guessed it, souls and magic. This thing is seriously dangerous dude, I shit you not. You know how even the most powerful supernatural beings have to make deals with willing participants, wait for evil people to die naturally, or receive convoluted ritualistically sacrificed humans to actually take souls? Well this thing can skip the middleman entirely, ripping souls right out of the poor victims like old Velcro."

"That doesn't sound good." Spider-Man remarked urgently as he turned his attention back to American Dream. "Wherever that map leads, we need to get there on the double!"

"You can get on my bike with me, but I'm not sure how we're going to bring the others along." She remarked as she stole a curious glance at the remaining Runaways.

"I can transport my team just fine." Karolina asserted as she flew out the door. "C'mon, I'm burning daylight here, literally!"

"Road trip!" Molly cried excitedly as she rushed out, followed quickly by the rest of the Runaways.

"You coming along for the ride Deadpool?" Spider-Man hesitantly invited the crazy mercenary.

"Thanks for the offer, but I think I'm gonna just drop off the backstabber with the proper authorities and get back to my real job." He politely declined. "Bust some heads and make some jokes for me, will ya?" He smiled as he saw Spider-Man flash him a quick thumbs-up before riding off on the back of American Dream's bike. "Now then, as for the dirty double-crosser..." He grinned menacingly as he ripped the webbing off Alex's face and cracked his knuckles, promising great pain to the whimpering young man.

---

Later - New York Skyline

"Is anyone else getting serious Back to the Future vibes from this?" Chase asked his teammates as Karolina carried them in a sphere of light while following after American Dream and Spider-Man. "I mean, a letter from the past that's actually from a guy who knows the future, a plot device that pretty much hands us a cheat sheet on a silver platter, and some other third thing that I'm too confused to think of right now."

"I know what you mean." Gert seconded his opinion as she nuzzled into his shoulder for comfort, Old Lace awkwardly following her example on his other shoulder. "I swear, if I see flaming tire tracks anywhere, I'm gonna scream."

"Everybody look down!" Molly grinned eagerly as she looked through the bottom of the bubble, causing everyone to reflexively look down.

"...Chase."

"Yes Gert?"

"What am I looking at here?"

"It looks like flaming tire tracks."

"That's what I thought." Gert frowned before taking a deep breath.

---

Directly Below - New York Streets

"Do you hear screaming, or is that just the ringing in my ears from the motorcycle?!" Spider-Man asked the woman he was holding onto for dear life over the roar of the New York traffic.

"You should wear noise canceling earplugs like I do!" American Dream smiled back at him. "I can have basic conversations while keeping my hearing loss down to nothing."

"I'll be sure to have something along those lines installed in my next Spider-Suit. By the way, how exactly do I know you?!" He asked her casually. "I mean, clearly you know me pretty well, but given the way my life has gone just this evening, I'm guessing there's some Back to the Future-type shenanigans going on here!"

"Let's just say you're going to do both of my biggest idols some huge favors somewhere down the road in the past, and I was more than happy to be of service!" American Dream answered him cordially, before a sly grin came across her face. "You were also my first, and being the traditional girl that I am, I don't plan to marry any man other than my first!"

"Noted!" He took the pseudo-proposal in stride as he took a curious sniff of the air. "Hey, do you smell sulfur by any chance? I swear, it's like someone dunked my head in a tar pit!" Following his nose, he looked for the source of the odor, and a chill that wasn't his Spider-Sense shot up his spine. "IS THAT THE GHOST RIDER?!" He panicked at the sight of a flaming skeleton decked out in a leather rider suit driving an infernal racing motorcycle. "I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST A MYTH! WHAT THE HELL IS THE ANTI-HERO FROM HELL DOING HERE?!"

"I'd know that bike anywhere!" American Dream beamed as she shifted lanes so that she was driving right next to the infernal biker, much to Spider-Man's protest. "Hey there Alejandra! Looks like I'm running into old friends left and right today! You remember Spider-Man, don't you?" She jerked her thumb at the panicking wall crawler.

"Shan-er, American Dream! Will you please not pull up next to the man who can burn people to death with his eye sockets!?" He pleaded with his pseudo-girlfriend as the temptation of looking at that which must not be seen by the guilty proved too much for him as he snuck a peak at Ghost Rider. What he saw was too shocking for words, but let it be said that Spider-Man never back down from a challenge. "How does a skeleton have boobs?!"

"If I have to hear that question one more time..." A vaguely feminine voice that sounded like it was gargling magma came from the female Ghost Rider as she turned her skull at Spider-Man in irritation.

*Spider-Sense!*-PENANCE STARE!

"NONONONONO!" Peter panicked as the empty eye sockets of Ghost Rider literally stared into the depths of his soul.

---

Flashback!

Sirens blare a short distance from his home as the world begins to lose all color and vibrancy. His heart sinks as he approaches the scene, his soul full of dread as he begins to fear the worst. An old man clutching his chest in pain as the life fades from his eyes before his wife and nephew. Final words whispered as he leaves this world.

*Flash!*

A warehouse surrounded by police. A silhouette framed through the light shining through the window. A crash. A gunshot. A man in red and blue viciously beating a man into submission. A familiar face. Guilt. Recognition.

*Flash!*

Several disjointed images. Criminals with superpowers. Crashing. Smashing. Explosions. Shocking. Pain. Albino crimelord. All his fault. Super villains made to distract Spider-Man from minor crimes. Pointing fingers. Accusations. Symbiote. Accusations! May's Heart Attack! ACCUSATIONS! Fighting Goblin. Calling out Osborn. Exposing Harry. Sex. Sex. Sex. Love...

*Flash!*

---

Meanwhile - Back in Reality

"AAAAHHHHH!" A sharp scream snapped Peter from his forced recollections. At first the young hero thought it was coming from himself, then from Shannon. It was only when Ghost Rider started swerving wildly that he realized he-no, she was the one screaming.

"Out of control Hellfire bike! Not good on so many levels!" Spider-Man said worriedly as he tapped Shannon on the shoulder. "I'm gonna jump bikes for a sec, okay?" He warned her, getting a quick nod of confirmation before jumping from the relatively safe normal motorcycle onto the hi-tech racing motorcycle from Hell. 'It's an uncomfortable reminder of what my life has become that this is actually the least weird thing to happen to me today.' He barely had time to think as he struggled to help Alejandra steady herself. "Hey, are you gonna be okay, and hopefully not melt my face off or raise some literal Hell?" He asked her while doing his best to keep a semi-safe distance from the fire that wreathed her skull; which, now that he was up close and personal, he saw still had some barely noticeable long wiry white hair.

"I'm fine!" Ghost Rider snapped irritably at her unwanted copilot once she shook the shock out of her system. "Who or what the Hell are you anyway?! And how does your friend there know my name?!" She barely cast American Dream a sideways glance, who pleasantly waved back at her like an old friend.

"Oh, come on! You come to my city but you don't even bother to look up the Spectacular Spider-Man?" He asked in mock offense. "As for my girlfriend there, she's kinda got a Back to the Future thing going on if you catch my drift."

"I don't." She gave the scariest scowl a skull wreathed in flames could, which was actually pretty terrifying. "What's this 'back to the future thing' you're talking about?"

"You seriously don't know what Back to the Future is?!" Spider-Man pouted in disbelief. "Super famous movie trilogy from the 80s? Features a time traveling DeLorian? The car leaves behind flaming tire tracks like yours whenever it travels through time?"

"I don't know anything about pop-culture." Ghost Rider remarked casually, causing Spider-Man to immediately forget about how scared he was before, in favor of feeling an odd mixture of pity and disappointment that half of his usual quips would go over her skull. "Never saw any reason for it myself. Now then, before I kick you off my bike, mind telling me why my Penance Stare backfired when I tried it on you?"

"Backfired? Wait, you mean how I caused you pain when you tried to... do whatever it is your eye sockets do when they look at people funny?" He asked her in confusion.

"Yes." Ghost Rider growled bitterly. "My Penance Stare burns people in body and soul with the sins they accumulated. If your sins were minor enough, or even if you were an absolute saint, it should just have done nothing. Instead, for whatever reason, your sins hurt me."

"My sins can't be that bad, can they?" Peter frowned sullenly, the weight of his past heavier on his mind and soul than ever. "I mean, I know I've messed up in ways that I can never make up for, but-"

"Never make up for?!" Alejandra parroted in shock, her surprise clear enough to even cause a visible reaction on a featureless skull. "Do you truly believe that?! Your sins are nothing compared to your virtues!"

"They aren't?" Peter blinked in genuine confusion and disbelief. "Didn't you see what I did? The tragedies I caused? Wait, did you read my mind just now!? How much did you see?"

"Are you really this dense?!" Alejandra's jaw dropped so fast it actually fell off and shattered against the pavement, causing her flames to quickly regenerate it. "Yes, your uncle died because you made a mistake, but you've atoned for it hundreds of times over by protecting the people of this city, but that's not even the point I was trying to get at! Your virtuous actions do what is selfless, and would just give you a shield against my powers, not retaliate! When I said your sins hurt me, I meant they literally attacked me when I tried to gaze into your soul! That shouldn't be possible! Sins are selfish by nature, they would never defend anyone! All they know is to drag down everyone around them! Why do you think religion has so many references to the pits of Hell? The whole place is nothing but one giant, flaming hole in the ground."

"Is that seriously how sins and virtues work?" Peter asked, his scientific curiosity overriding everything else at the moment. "Because if it is, then you might not want to mention it in public, or on the internet, or anywhere at all. Some people take their religion way too seriously."

"You're still missing the point." Ghost Rider would have rolled her eyes if she still had any. "Sins and Virtues are Sins and Virtues. One doesn't just act like the other without reason. So either you've found a way to exert complete control over your sins, which I doubt because you don't seem to have any inclination towards magic, not to mention your actual sins are this powerful. Or you've somehow forced your very soul to see many of your virtues as sins, but that would have to mean you have a level of self-sacrifice, selflessness, not to mention a huge guilt complex on par with the only other person in recorded history."

"Oh really, and who might that be, Jesus Christ?" Spider-Man rolled his eyes at how quickly this conversation had gone from righting an out of control motorcycle to some weird kind of Jehovah's Witness type stuff.

"Yes." Was the only answer Alejandra had, both for herself and for Spider-Man, leaving them both speechless for several long seconds as they tried to process the implications of this.

"...So, you're basically saying I'm the second coming of Christ?" Spider-Man couldn't help but laugh at the outlandishness of the accusation. "Okay, I've been called a lot of things in my time, some good, most bad, but that is definitely a new one!"

"You're not the second coming of Christ!" Ghost Rider growled as she skidded to a stop outside a mall, which was apparently the same destination he'd been going to from the beginning, if the fact that everyone else had stopped here when he wasn't paying attention. Hell, even Firestar and Black Widow were there with a chain bound Red Sonja. Suddenly, the motorcycle vanished beneath them in a roar of harmless Hellfire, causing Spider-Man to fall painfully to his butt as the flames collected around the handlebars, which reshaped into a wicked looking scythe.

"Really now? And here I thought you didn't have any answers, since you were trying to get them from me and all." Spider-Man frowned as he got up and rubbed his sore backside. "So tell me, if you had no idea who I was before today, then how can you be so certain I'm not the second coming of Christ like you're implying?" Noticing the looks of shock and disbelief he was getting from everyone, he quickly pointed at Ghost Rider. "Her words, not mine." His defense may have satisfied everyone else for the moment, but Ghost Rider glared at him again, which would have been scarier for him if he didn't already know her biggest trump card wouldn't work against him.

"I know you're not the second coming of Christ, because that's exactly what I came to this city to prevent!" She growled out, leaving everyone, even those who weren't the least bit religious, completely shell shocked.

"Hold on a second!" Nico cut in as she marched over to Ghost Rider, completely unafraid of the infernal anti-hero. "I may not know who you are, or what you're doing here, but clearly there are some common threads at work here. Now then, this religious bullshit you're going on about, it wouldn't happen to have anything to do with twenty-five years of annual ritualistic sacrifices, would it?" For several long and tense seconds, the two unorthodox superheroes just stared each other down, each one seeming to be looking for something, but neither entirely certain of what it was.

"I guess we're all here for the same reason then." Alejandra finally broke the silence as she turned her attention to the motley collection of superheroes. "But just to clarify, it's not just Jesus we're here to kill; Noah and Adam are also planning to wipe out all freewill on the planet."

"My friends and I are just here to take down our evil parents." Nico grinned deviously as she enthusiastically shook Alejandra's hand. "The rest of you guys can take care of the Bible Club."

"Technically, they call themselves the Gibborim." Ghost Rider corrected her as they and the Runaways casually entered the building.

"Potato, Tomato, who cares what they call themselves so long as we can make them dead." Gert snarked as the automatic doors opened.

"Mind explaining exactly what's going on here?" Black Widow tapped her foot impatiently at her boyfriend. "We leave you alone for thirty minutes, and somehow you've not only rounded up a posy consisting of several children, a dinosaur, and Captain America and Ghost Rider with breasts, but you're also the Anti-Christ now?"

"I can explain." Spider-Man tried in vain to defend himself, before quickly losing all his little bluster. "Actually, I really can't explain. I don't fully understand what's going on here." Glancing over to Red Sonja, he was glad to see she didn't even seem to be trying to break free. "I see you finally managed to get Miss Congeniality here to behave herself."

"Your words make less sense to me than this bold new world I find myself in." Red Sonja sighed in resignation as she casually broke her shackles, sending Black Widow and Firestar on the defensive. "There is no need to worry about me, your words have managed to penetrate mine armor. I am now aware that my time has long since passed, and that this body is not mine own."

"Then how about giving it back to my friend already?" Firestar demanded hotly. "She's still kinda using it, you know!"

"Were I able I assure you that I would, but I doth not know how." Sonja shook her head. "Regardless, it seems that there is a battle you must attend to presently. I could be of assistance if you would have me after my mistakes."

"Not in a civilian's body you-" Black Widow was about to shut her out, but Peter held up his hand to silence her. "What are you doing?"

"Believe me Widow, I don't like the idea much either." Spider-Man shook his head bitterly. "But right now, I get the feeling we could use all the help we can get." He explained as he lead everyone inside, rushing ahead a bit to catch up with the others. "Besides, if what Deadpool told me about what's going on here is true, then these bad guys have just what we need to rescue MJ." With a solid goal, the team made a beeline for the basement.

---

Meanwhile - Mall Basement

"It's almost time." An Asian man declared as he and eleven others gathered around an offering pedestal with a semi-conscious blonde girl strapped to it. "Finally, after all these years, the ritual will be complete."

"And six of us will get immortality." A man of African descent grinned eagerly. "The only question now is which six?" If they weren't already, everyone was suddenly looking around suspiciously.

"I suppose it won't be any of our children, like we planned." One man frowned bitterly. "Well, except for whoever it was that stayed loyal to us."

"Unless it's your illiterate son, right Mr. Stein?" A glowing woman grinned sadistically as she trailed her finger along the edge of a knife she was all too eager to plunge into the heart of their sacrifice.

"Don't remind me of that disappointment, alien!" Mr. Stein spat bitterly. "It's not enough that his mind is nowhere near as keen as one who inherited the combined genes of myself and my wife should be, but to place more value on foolish pursuits like sports than embracing the brilliant mind he should have had is utterly insulting!" His complaints probably would have gone further, were it not for the fact that he suddenly burst into flame and quickly died screaming, putting everyone else on immediate high alert.

"That's for beating me whenever I didn't ace a test; which was always!" Chase grinned happily from the top of the stairs, having wanted to get back at his abusive father for years now.

"Okay, I'm officially turned on right now." Gert grinned at her boyfriend, who could only scratch the back his head and put on a cheeky grin in happiness.

"How did they get the drop on us?! This wasn't the plan!" An African woman panicked as she took a head count of the heroes now rushing down the stairs. "Where is Alex? What did you do to him?!" She demanded furiously, immediately fearing the worst for her son.

"The Runaways don't take kindly to traitors!" Karolina did her best to come off as intimidating, even as she blatantly kept a fair distance from the ashes that used to be Mr. Stein. "We tied him up and left him to rot in juvie!"

"Actually, it's much more likely that he'll end up in a group home or a mental hospital." Nico taunted The Pride. "After all, I did cast a spell on him to make him a retard."

"You robbed my son of his genius mind!" Mr. Wilder shouted in a rage as he and his wife developed tunnel vision from their anger, ignoring the danger before them to try and rush down the girl who had broken the heart and mind of their child.

"Your anger blinds you, but I still see just fine." Ghost Rider remarked as she held out her scythe so that the angry parents slammed into the shaft gut first, where they were both easy prey to her Penance Stare. "Three down." She tallied grimly over the ashes of the Wilders.

"Can we please not kill anyone else?!" Karolina pleaded frantically as she formed a barrier to protect her friends from the oncoming assault of The Pride. "If not for my sake, then at least for Molly? She's still an impressionable little kid and doesn't deserve-"

"Molly SMASH!" Molly grinned as she slammed her arms on the ground, causing tremors that made the rafters and a support beam fall from the ceiling and crush Mrs. Yorkes, Mr. Hayes, Mr. Minoru, and Mrs. Stein to death before they could defend themselves. "I win! I win! I-" She would have gone on, but she fell asleep from exhausting her powers.

"That child of yours is insane!" The decidedly unsound Mrs. Dean roared at Mrs. Hayes as she and her husband put up a barrier to shield the mourning widows and widowers from a pouncing dinosaur and other falling rubble. "She's going to bring this whole building down on us!" The villainous group looked up at the ceiling in awe and fear, hoping that the barrier would hold up against the cracking ceiling when it caved in.

"Will everyone just cool their jets for a minute?!" Spider-Man ordered as he swung up to the ceiling and rapidly began webbing it up, even managing to hoist the support beam back in place and fasten it with as many webs as he could spare. "You're so reckless that you're tearing this whole place apart! Not to mention killing your parents and almost hurting the hostage! Are you guys always this unorganized?!" He scolded them harshly, causing the Runaways to back up together in shame.

"Hostage? Am I a hostage?" The sacrifice mumbled, barely coherent as she tried to get up, only for the chains fastening her to the pedestal to hold her back. "Okay, exactly how high was I when I agreed to this?"

"Thou hast drugged thine captive?" Red Sonja glared hotly at The Pride as she charged their barrier with her blade thrusting forward, easily piercing the barrier and Mrs. Minoru's shoulder in one strike. "Thou art truly without honor or pride!"

"She was like this when we found her!" Mr. Dean growled savagely as he and his wife ruptured the barrier around them, sending all their enemies flying back. "As for Pride, once we have our immortality, you'll see just how much Pride we have!" He declared as his wife raised her dagger, ready to plunge it into the heart.

"Holy shit! You're really gonna kill me?!" The sacrifice panicked as her mind snapped out of the effects of whatever she was on, her eyes widening in fear at the dagger aimed at her heart. "Stop!"

Suddenly, just as Mrs. Dean was thrusting the dagger down and the hostage was trying to struggle free, the hostage somehow yanked her left arm hard enough to snap the chain free, bringing a chunk of stone it was fastened to whipping up and colliding with Mrs. Dean's jaw, cracking it and knocking several teeth loose, sending her unconscious form sprawling in a heap onto the floor.

"What the HE-mmph!" Mr. Dean tried to say before his mouth was covered with webs.

"I was aiming for little Miss Cullen's arms, but this works too." Spider-Man quipped as he grabbed his threads and yanked, pulling Mr. Dean in for a solid haymaker to the nose.

"You did not just compare my powers to Twilight!" Karolina protested Spider-Man's joke about her mother hotly. "I'll have you know I've had some very bad personal experience with vampires!"

"Woah, seriously?" Firestar chuckled as she made what was left of The Pride scatter with a well placed fire blast, before concentrating a flame on her fingertips to free the sacrifice from her shackles. "Vampires are actually real? You gotta be kidding me!"

"Trust me, she isn't." Black Widow sighed wistfully as she casually pinched a nerve in the shoulders of Mr. Yorkes and Mrs. Hayes, making them both pass out. "Take it from someone who went toe-to-toe with Dracula on two separate occasions and lived to tell about it; vampires are no joking matter."

"You fought Dracula?!" Spider-Man and Chase both exclaimed in shock, excitement, and more than a little arousal. "Have you fought amazons too? Are amazons real?! Please tell me that amazons are real!" Chase questioned the SHIELD agent excitedly, getting pulled away by the ear by his girlfriend for his hornyness.

"Uhh, Spider-Man and I fought amazons together once, but that's part of that whole time travel stuff I can't get too into right now." American Dream offered helpfully, bringing a grin to Chase's face, even as his ear was still in a painful vice grip.

"Yet another thing about our relationship I am very much looking forward to." Spider-Man grinned as threw Shannon into the air and caught her bridal style.

*Spider-Sense!*-Behind you!

Quickly turning around, Spider-Man saw former movie star Mr. Dean - former, because with the severity of the damage a Spider-Strength punch did to it, he'd never have the face or the voice for acting again - standing up, his hands glowing with an utterly massive amount of energy that his Spider-Sense let him know could easily vaporize him. Just as he was about to dodge however, a familiar pair of blades pierced Mr. Dean's left lung from behind, causing his power to fade as he collapsed to the ground in pain. "X-23? What are you doing here?" Spider-Man questioned the presence of his semi-feral lover, making certain to use her codename, as she was currently wearing a mask based on her 'father's'.

"Rescuing my friend." Laura answered as she walked over to the sacrifice, easily cutting through the chains on her legs just as Firestar was finishing burning off the shackles on her arms. "How are you holding up, Kiden?" She asked casually as she helped the girl to her feet and pat her on the back.

"Ask me again when the world stops spinning." Kiden mumbled before bending over and barfing - likely deliberately - all over Mrs. Dean.

"You really need to do something about that drug problem of yours." Laura gently scolded her friend. "Remember, if you feel that your home life is too hard, my mom and I would be more than happy to let you stay with us. Us mutants have to stick together after all." It was then that she noticed the confused looks she was getting from everyone else. "Who are your new friends, Spider-Man?" She asked as her gaze blatantly lingered on Sonja.

"X-23, you're drooling." Spider-Man playfully rolled his eyes at her lustful stare. He would have teased her further, were it not for the rip in space opening up right behind the sacrificial alter. "That can't be good." He whimpered at the sight of the trio of ten meter tall, tribal garbed, six-fingered goat people that were exiting the tear. "Definitely not good!"

"Alejandra!" One of the goat people roared angrily when it spotted Ghost Rider. "You dare show your face before us after your betrayal?!"

"Shut up, Adam!" Ghost Rider growled in defiance as she lunged at the man crafted in the Garden of Eden, the titan blocking her scythe with just a finger. "Did you honestly think I'd let you get away with what you made me do?!"

"Foolish sinner!" Adam scolded her as he swatted her away, where American Dream caught her before she could crash into the ground. "I was merely trying to correct my mistake! By purging sin from the world I would undo the damage I caused when I ate the forbidden fruit!"

"And destroy all freewill in the process?!" Ghost Rider roared as the flames on her head flared up. "Not on my watch!"

"I think you mean not on our watch." American Dream gripped Alejandra's shoulder in support as Black Widow and Firestar aligned behind them in support. "The four of us will take care of Adam, the rest of you pick a target! We can't let these monsters have their way!"

"I'll take the big, big guy! X-23, get your friend and any of The Pride that are still alive out of here! Runaways, you handle the other guy!" Spider-Man commanded, leadership coming surprisingly easy to him.

"Do not forget me." Red Sonja reminded him as she stood by his side. "I still have yet to properly apologize."

"I know a few ways, though I may have to beat you up before we can really get started." Spider-Man purred suggestively before he and Sonja lunged at the giant's head in unison, both of them grabbing a horn and slamming its head into the ground.

"If your relation to my host and the tales my fellow warriors speak of your sexual prowess are true I may just have to take you up on that offer!" Sonja grinned savagely as she jumped onto her target and plunged her sword into its gut.

"You dare speak of such sinful acts in my presence?!" The giant roared as it tried to pound Sonja, only to punch his own stomach when she jumped out of the way.

"I love it when the bad guys hit themselves, it just makes being the hero so much more rewarding." Spider-Man grinned as he webbed the rising giant by the head and yanked his skull back into the ground. "Also, I know you Christian guys are supposed to be prudes and all, but you do know that doing the nasty is the only way to continue the species, right?"

"Lies!" The giant roared as he again tried to rise, only for his head to be pulled back down to the ground as Sonja landed a rising knee kick to his gut, opening the already profusely bleeding wound he had. "My mother never engaged in such acts throughout her life, and we are both all the more holy for it!"

"Okay, first of all, that's biologically impossible on so many levels." Spider-Man listed off as he webbed the horns of the beast as it rose again. "Second, implying that virginity translates to purity is bigoted beyond all measure." Once the giant was up he yanked on one web, causing it to stumble into the - now armless and heavily burned - giant that the Runaways were fighting, causing Old Lace to stop eating the giant's face and jump to safety as the giants fell to the ground. "Third, and this is just an observation, not another burn, based on that virgin mother thing I'm guessing you're Jesus, and by process of elimination your buddy you just crashed into is Noah. Fourth," He paused to web up their mouths. "And this one is an insult, Yo Mama is such a slut, she saved herself for marriage, then cheated on her husband the night she was married, and people are still talking about it over two thousand years later!"

That one really got a rise out of Jesus, who rose up and lunged at Spider-Man, only for Sonja to slash the tendons in his legs while he was unfocused and send him crashing into Adam, who had already had his face burned off by the combined efforts of Firestar and Ghost Rider, and all his fingers and toes either cut off or smashed by the precision strikes of Black Widow and American Dream.

"Fifth, you guys really stink at combat, and I mean really, REALLY stink. Probably because you're just such big and clumsy targets that I could swing blindly and still hit you." Spidey demonstrated this very point as he closed his eyes and jumped high, stomping violently and randomly right on Jesus'... Jesus. "Seriously, I've fought common thugs that are harder to deal with than you guys, and you're supposed to be some of the big names in Christianity? No wonder Thor is the first guy people think of when they hear the words religion and hero. Also, are you guys shapeshifters or what? Because, if this is what you originally looked like... I'm sorry, I just don't see how that could be biologically possible."

"Enough of your incessant prattling Spider Totem!" Jesus roared as he ripped off the web on his mouth. "You will learn to respect the mystic might of our holy father, even if I must do it myself!" He raised his hand, from which a bright green light emanated.

"Is that? No!" Spider-Man panicked as he saw the light was coming from a small green gem embedded in Jesus' palm. Realizing what Jesus was planning, he leaped into Jesus' palm. "I can't let you do this!" He declared as his hand brushed against the Soul Gem.

---

Location Unknown

"Ugh, where the hell am I?" Peter groaned as he rubbed the soreness from his eyes. "Why is everything so bright?" He squinted as he could barely make out the figure of a scruffy looking hobo against all the bright light.

"I'm home..." The scruffy hobo whispered reverently. "I'm finally ho-urk!" He keeled over as he was punched in the gut by-

"...Uncle Ben..." Peter gasped at the impossible sight of his late uncle strolling over to help him up. "You're here? But if you're here, then that means I'm..."

"Not quite, son." Ben remarked, as if sensing the conclusion his nephew had come to. "You're just having a bit of an out of body experience thanks to this bad seed." He explained as he tapped the doubled over in pain Jesus.

"...How is this even possible?" Peter questioned in shock and awe.

"You're the one who was fighting him to save the world, you tell me."

"The Soul Gem." Peter realized as he realized he was clutching something in his hand. "I took it from him?" He whispered uncertainly as he held the green oval-shaped gem up to his lenses.

"More like it chose you, for the moment at least."

"It chose me? What, are the Infinity Gems alive or something?"

"Yes, and no. Each one is a part of life itself, but only a single part each, and all the weaker for it."

"So, it's one of those greater than the sum of their parts things?"

"Exactly. As their name implies, the Infinity Gems are a source of limitless power, but only when fully united under a singular will."

"Limitless power... that's a lot of responsibility for one guy to deal with..."

"Indeed, some might even say too much power..."

"...So... I can't allow any one person to get control of them all, not even me?"

"Especially not you Peter. Listen young man, I never intended for the words I said to you that day to leave such an impact. Did you know there was someone else long before me who said that with great power, comes great responsibility?"

"No, did you?"

"Not until recently, and I wish I had the chance to tell you this so much sooner. Who knows, your life may have turned out even better than it already is if I was able to tell you then what I know now."

"...You've been watching, haven't you?"

"Don't worry son, I made sure to look away for the intimate parts."

"...God, this is embarrassing as it gets."

"For what it's worth, I think that as long as you make sure everyone is happy, it's perfectly fine to live life as you please. Speaking of which, this brings me back to what I was saying before. Now I don't know for certain who said it first exactly, but here goes; With great power, comes great responsibility, but little happiness..."

"...Where did you hear that last part?"

"Does it really matter? Listen Peter, the point I'm trying to make is that, while it's important that you look out for other, you need to look out for yourself as well. Find balance in your life, find out who YOU are, not who you feel I or anyone else thinks you should be."

"What if who I am isn't good enough?"

"You are good enough Peter, you have to believe that, and stop putting so much emphasis on the negative in your life. So long as you keep on going and do what you know in your soul to be right, regardless of what anyone else says, I know you'll do Spectacular things in life."

"...But I'm dead."

"No you aren't son. Like I said before, this is just a brief moment between life and death, and you need to get back to a world that needs you. Also, don't pay that Jameson character any mind, he's fallen far from the journalistic integrity he had back when I was still alive, as The Bugle has never been less popular since the day it started slandering Spider-Man. You're a hero son, no matter what anyone else says. And don't go asking if I can come with you, or if you can stay here, because we both know that neither one of those is an option."

"I wasn't going to!"

"..."

"...Okay, I was considering it, but I see your point."

"Good, now go back to the land of the living, and take this garbage with you. I don't care if who says he's technically free of sin, when someone does wrong, they need to face the consequences. And tell your aunt your secret identity already, would you? You'll save yourself a mountain of headaches and terrible excuses in the long run, plus, the longer you wait, the madder she'll be when she finds out."

"...Aunt May can get angry?"

"Yes, and if you think that Hulk fellow was the first person to say 'You wouldn't like me when I'm angry' you'd be dead wrong, if you'll pardon the pun."

"...Fuck."

---

Back On Earth

"Did that just happen?" Spider-Man whispered in astonishment as he looked at the green gem in his hand, before turning his gaze to the battered forms of Jesus, Noah, and Adam, and then to all his allies, none of whom seemed to have noticed anything strange happen. "Or was it just a vision from the Soul Gem?"

"Vile Spider Totem..." Jesus grunted as he tried to stand back up. "You are interfering in the will of the one true god..."

"Whatever god you serve is no more true than any other." Ghost Rider growled menacingly as she tried to take the Soul Gem from Spider-Man for her final attack.

*Flash!*

A jungle city of natives. A mutant queen with a god complex steals souls with a green gem. Penance Stare. Magnification. Horror. Mindless drones. The queen explodes from sin. The city in ruins. Hell devours all sin and freewill.

*Flash!*

"...You saw Heaven..." Alejandra whispered as she stared at Peter in awe, her flames dying down to the bare minimum.

"And you saw Hell." Peter replied consolingly, understanding that he was shown her history with The Gibborim, while she was shown his time talking with Ben.

"Amazing how far such a once great man could fall due to something as noble as always putting the needs of others before himself." She remarked as she looked at the rising Jesus with pity before lashing him back down to the ground with her chain. "Stay down!"

"Stay down... that's actually a pretty good idea." Spider-Man grinned under his mask as he held out the Soul Gem. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Absolutely." Ghost Rider's flames rose as she grabbed his outstretched hand. "Time to send you three to prison."

"You think a mere mortal jail can hold us?!" Noah roared in outrage as he struggled to get up without arms. "We are divine beings!"

"Whoever said you were going to a mortal jail?" Ghost Rider asked as her chains began whipping in the air on their own, creating a ring of green Hellfire around the three holy beings.

"Impossible!" Jesus shouted, in denial, shock, or fear, no one could tell for certain. "We are divine beings! We cannot be sent to HEEEeeellllllll!" He shouted as the flames enveloped the trio completely before dying down, leaving behind nothing but a brief, evil and ominous laughter.

"Would it be in bad taste to say thank god right about now?" Spider-Man asked.

"Incredibly so." Ghost Rider replied as her jaw adjusted into a subtle grin. "I approve." With that, she pulled up his mask a bit and pressed her teeth against Peter's lips. For those of you wondering if someone can effectively make out with a flaming skull, the answer is yes, but only if you're a sexual beast like Spider-Man. "Woah." Alejandra panted after they parted, amazed at how kinky a make-out session as Ghost Rider felt.

"Yeah, I leave a lot of girls saying that." Spider-Man remarked as he ushered everyone out, which was pretty easy since they were all still freaking out over what just happened. "Speaking of which, why did you do that? I mean, not that I'm complaining or anything, but you must have seen that I don't really do conventional relationships."

"Your uncle warned you that you must have happiness in your life, or else you'll end up like Jesus did. I'm gonna be part of that happiness, to make sure history doesn't repeat itself." Alejandra explained as everyone began walking up the stairs. "Your potential is much greater than his was, and your character far stronger, which means you need more support. Besides," She nuzzled her skull into Spider-Man's shoulder, sending a warm feeling through his whole body. "Our souls have bonded, and that's a connection that can't be matched."

"I need to be careful with this thing, it's a dangerous weapon." Spider-Man joked as he flipped and caught the Soul Gem as they walked through the doorway to the main part of the mall.

*Spider-Sense!*-SHIELD Agents!

"In that case, I'm certain you'll understand our need to have it locked up safely in SHIELD custody." A middle-aged man in a suit remarked as several laser sights from snipers covered everyone but Black Widow and American Dream.

"Agent Coulson, what is the meaning of this?!" Black Widow demanded hotly as she shielded Spider-Man. "I called for backup, not a firing squad!"

'Coulson of SHIELD? Why does that sound familiar?' Peter scratched his head thoughtfully.

"Just a precaution Agent Romanoff, we needed to secure the perimeter before moving in." The agent apologized. "Though based on what I can see you already have things well in hand."

"Then you'll see to it that the suspects we've apprehended are taken in, and these young heroes leave here untouched." American Dream gestured forcefully at her allies. "Speaking of which, where are the suspects anyway? We had someone bring them up here before us."

"I don't know anything about any suspects." Agent Coulson responded honestly. "We've been monitoring the security cameras at this mall since Agent Romanoff put in the call, and you're the first batch of people to come up here."

"And your pants are the first to be stolen, stop." Kiden teased Agent Coulson before vanishing, leaving him pantsless in his Captain America-themed boxers.

"Well that's certainly... unexpected." Gert giggled at the humorous scene of a trained agent with decades of experience being pantsed with ease by a teenage drug addict, with everyone else having much less reserved reactions. Even Ghost Rider and several SHIELD agents were in stitches, while American Dream could only hold her head in shame as Peter brushed her back reassuringly.

"How did this happen? Somebody get me a fresh pair of pants!" Agent Coulson panicked as he struggled to find something to cover himself, barely even noticing that he was covering himself with one of the unconscious remaining members of The Pride that suddenly appeared beside him in that brief instant when Kiden appeared.

"Well, if there's nothing else, we'll just be taking our leave now." Nico tried to excuse herself and her team, only for a warning shot to snap everyone out of their humor.

"Childish antics aside, our scanners have detected an incalculably vast power source of unknown function in the possession of Spider-Man." Agent Coulson tried and surprisingly succeeded to look imposing in his boxers. "You can see why SHIELD would be up in arms to keep it out of the wrong hands, and a vigilante with an unknown identity and loyalties technically qualifies." Everyone of importance scowled at the accusation. "There's also the small matter of the group of superpowered youths rightfully calling themselves the Runaways."

"What about them?" Spider-Man stepped up to shield the Runaways behind himself, not liking the tone the agent was using.

"They're wards of the state, not to mention they all have some degree of superpowers." Coulson explained. "Coupled with their actions across the country, and it's very likely that they'll be put in separate foster homes for thei-mmph!" His voice was muffled by the web now blocking his mouth.

"You are not splitting these kids up." Spider-Man told the agents calmly, completely ignoring the rifles all aimed at him now, knowing they could never outpace his Spider-Sense and reflexes. "And I'm not saying that just for their sake, it's in your own best interests as well. I've only known these people for about an hour, and I can already tell that they're not just some of the most powerful individuals I've ever met, but they're also some of the closest, and it's the second part you should be most worried about. Because I can tell you all with absolute certainty, that if you just leave these guys alone, then they'll leave you alone, but if you try to split them up, then I doubt even the entirety of the Avengers could protect you from them." Just as the situation looked to be two tense words away from a shootout, a voice as hard as Adamantium cut through the tension.

"I cannot believe what I am hearing!"

'Aunt May?!' Peter panicked at the sudden appearance of his beloved - and much healthier and younger looking, complete with better posture and a more modern wardrobe, no doubt due to her new exercise craze - aunt May and foster cousin Leah. 'She's shopping here?! But this mall is way too overpriced for her to-oh, that's right, we're rich now.' His lenses tilted down to show a wince, the hero having honestly forgotten that little detail.

"What are civilians doing here? I thought we evacuated the mall earlier." Agent Coulson questioned once he peeled the webbing from his mouth.

"Never you mind what my daughter and I are doing here, what you should be minding are your manners!" May Parker, the formerly arthritic and frail hearted woman in her sixties, jabbed her finger imposingly into the chest of a veteran agent, making him step back in a primal fear. "I may not be aware of exactly what's going on, but what I do know is this. Spider-Man is a hero, and if he's risking his life defending these children, then that's good enough reason for me to at least step up and say something in their defense. If a hero who has done so much to protect this city, my home, from all manner of criminals and ne'er-do-wells, has so much to say in the defense and support of a group of kids he just met, then you better well listen to what he's saying."

"But ma'am, they're just-"

"Children?" May cut off Coulson. "Let me tell you something, my nephew is little more than a teenager, and he runs an entire company, one which I know for a fact your organization just made a very large purchase of fabric from, fabric he designed himself. Why, what's left of that suit you're wearing right now is probably made of the stuff." Coulson quickly tried to preserve what little modesty and ground he still had at this point by covering his boxers with his hands. "But if you really think these kids still need a legal guardian after they went through what I can only imagine must have been a harrowing series of ordeals, then I'll take them all in, in a heartbeat." Suddenly, everyone from hard cases like Black Widow and Ghost Rider, to the 'seen-it-all' Runaways, ESPECIALLY the Runaways, could only look on at the woman known as May Parker in reverence and more than a little fear. "Do I make myself clear?"

"...Uh... y-y-y-yes ma'am, I mean miss, I mean... what did you say your name was?" Agent Coulson stammered bashfully.

"May Parker, foster mother of six." She declared proudly, only for the gravitas of the moment to be broken when Old Lace licked her excitedly. "And apparently the owner of a pet dinosaur as well!" She chuckled playfully as she pet Old Lace like a dog.

"May Parker..." Agent Coulson grinned with a noticeable blush. "What a beautiful name for such a strong willed woman. I can't say I've ever had the pleasure to meet someone with as much boldness and grace in their presence as you."

"Oh," May giggled playfully at the compliment. "Well that's certainly nice of you to say Mr..."

"Coulson, Phil Coulson." Phil introduced himself with a gentleman's kiss upon her hand, thought his image was ruined a bit by his star spangled boxers. "If you don't mind me asking May, may I call you May? If you don't mind my asking, is there by chance a... Mr. Parker in your life?"

"My husband passed away a little over a year and a half ago." May sighed sadly. "It was hard at first, and it still can be, but looking after my nephew, and especially ever since my little Leah came into the picture, things have really been looking up."

"Still, it must have been such a tragedy, both for you and your husband, to be parted from each other." Phil continued flirting when Black Widow's amused cough brought him back to the matter at hand. "Ah, yes, I have other matters to attend to at the moment, so, uh..." He tried to search his pockets, fumbling for only a moment when he remembered his pants were stolen before pulling a business card out of his jacket. "Here's my personal number. If you'd care to continue this conversation a bit later, say, over dinner, feel free to give me a call, and I'll clear up my schedule."

"I think I'd like that, Phil, may I call you Phil?" May remarked playfully as she took the card. "But before that, do you think you could do me a small favor?"

"Anything for you." Phil grinned dreamily.

"Put on some pants." She teased.

"Ah, of course." Phil turned even redder before turning his attention back to Spider-Man and Ghost Rider... or more accurately, where Spider-Man and Ghost Rider were until they made their escape in the confusion. "Wh-where did Spider-Man go? Did anybody see where he went?" He panicked as he looked around for help, getting nothing but regretful nos from his entire unit. Apparently, they had all been as distracted by their superior acting like a goof as Phil had been distracted by May.

"You totally planned that whole thing, didn't you?" Nico asked May as they followed, impressed by the old woman's guile.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." May replied all too innocently.

"Are we... seriously just going to go along with this?" Karolina asked worriedly. "I mean, I appreciate that you stuck up for us and Spider-Man and all, but just adopting us all on the spot is a little..."

"Do you wanna say no to her after that display?" Gert asked Karolina rhetorically, causing the teen alien to rapidly shake her head no in fear.

"Still, are we really sure we can trust her?" Chase whispered to Nico, taking care to not alert their new foster mother. "She may be the coolest old lady I've ever met, but we do still barely know her."

"I'm pretty sure we'll be fine." Nico assured her team as she adjusted Molly, whom she was carrying piggyback, to pull a spider-themed business card out her pocket. "Trust me, she's good people." She grinned at the hastily scrawled words next to the printed text 'Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man'.

'Trust my Aunt May. Also burn this card.'

Blushing slightly, the new leader of the Runaways slipped the card back into her pocket, looking forward to seeing her hero again.