Chapter 30
Fear
Seeing Quil wrapped up so fearfully around one of the Lapras' knobby shell projections broke Squirtle's heart as much as seeing Karprest recede behind them. The town was unchanged. The arrival of Team Equalize had done nothing. Their journey had been fruitless. Pointless.
Bein's clear anxiety at riding the Lapras was vaguely surprising to Squirtle, but the Cubone had nothing on Quil. While Bein had his arms encircling one of the gray knobs with eyes fixed downward, Quil was actively trembling with his fires high. Squirtle half-heartedly comforted them with reassuring pats and words, but there was nothing he could really do to help. What else was new? And by their silence, neither were soothed by his concern. They wanted to be left alone to suffer in peace. Squirtle was hardly a reassuring presence, after leading them on this spectacular failure of a mission.
Peroo and Loria stood on opposite ends of the Lapras, flanking Bein and Quil in the center. Like twin sentinels, they gazed upriver and downriver respectively as the Lapras swam straight across the Karp. Neither moved. Were they regretting their decision to come, or appreciating the sparkling waters of the Karp? Squirtle was personally unable to admire any kind of beauty at the moment thanks to the melancholy that had followed him through their departure.
Even the Lapras would provide no conversation or lightness to the mood. She hadn't even spoken to them – only to the Nidorino. Either her personality was icier than a glacier, or she held some vendetta against Pokémon who didn't support Stolt and the new Karprest. Squirtle almost broke the silence with a remark about how different their shells were, but it sounded idiotic in his head. Forced. Silence was better anyway.
The trip across the river dragged thanks to the stillness of both sound and motion from everyone atop the Lapras. When at last the far bank approached, Quil sprung onto dry land the instant he was in range as he had from the ferry. Bein was not far behind.
"Thank you," Squirtle mumbled. The Lapras opened her mouth, but then only nodded her large head and turned about to paddle herself back into the river proper.
For a minute, the members of Team Equalize stood around. No one would take the lead on the hike back to Cavetown. Squirtle was unwilling to ask whether they wanted to take the long way via the main path of Blind Prairie, or try to cut through the brush on a more direct route to the mountains. He was unwilling even to mention those two options. Today, he would not pretend to be the leader he wasn't. Someone else could choose where the team would go. That way Squirtle could be sure that was what they truly wanted, without any push from him.
"Cavetown's right there," said Bein as he leveled the tip of his bone to point at one of the mountains in the distance. Now back on terra firma, he appeared right as rain. "Best to walk straight there. Five 'mon, no problems with wilders. Sound good?"
"Right," said Peroo as he unfolded his wings. "Give a shout if you need this Tranquill, see you!"
With that, they were off. The grass was soon growing tall and thick all around, and Squirtle resigned himself to a day or two of frustrating monotony in the grasses of Blind Prairie. Pushing through the grasses was not physically laborious, but he'd definitely be mentally taxed by the endless grasses by the time they escaped to the base of the mountains. This method of getting to Cavetown should prove to be quicker than the paths that he, Bein, and Quil had taken a few days previously. He only wished that the team could deal with the wild Pokémon among the brush near the river, where he and Quil had failed.
As the day wore on, his worries proved groundless. Not only did their numbers grant them an absurd advantage over the Pokémon that usually only appeared alone, but Squirtle found that he and Quil had very noticeably improved since the battles against the Espeon, Scizor, and other Pokémon of those days. The change drew his mind back to Quil's early evolution, and Squirtle felt even worse with the thought of his unintentional influence on Quil's battling and development.
While seeing Peroo swoop into action with his swift motions and wind-based techniques was enjoyable to watch, Loria took the cake for the most fascinating battling style. Before engaging in the melee, she would always closely study her opponent's movements. Then, no matter how evasive or agile the wild Pokémon was, her hits would always land. It seemed to be a move in and of itself. She incorporated counters into her style, too. When a wild Sentret slammed her with its tail, she used the momentum imparted by the blow to swing her body around into a full-bodied punch to the Sentret in return.
By far the most interesting technique in her repertoire was what she said Fighters called Force Palm. When the Riolu was able to position herself next to her opponent, she would gently but firmly place her palm somewhere on its body. A shock wave of invisible force would then surge outward to swat the Pokémon away as surely as if they'd been walloped by a giant hammer. The low boom that accompanied the show of power was inexplicably satisfying to hear.
Strangely, Squirtle could hear her humming some unfamiliar melody whenever the flow of battle carried him near the Riolu. The first time, he figured her humming was a fluke, but she was consistent in every battle. Perhaps Loria had fallen into the habit of humming when first introduced to battles and had never stopped. Maybe the music she produced helped her concentrate. Battle and performance might be the only times Loria gave voice to the melodies singing in her head.
Squirtle continued to tune his control over his element. Different tactical situations called for either his Water Gun or Bubble technique, but sometimes a plain old Tackle worked best. Using his tail as a distraction worked best to grant his allies an easier time of landing a solid hit. When the enemy focused on attacking him, it always seemed prudent to withdraw into his shell and brace against the incoming blows. Quil's presence in battle had certainly taken a step up since his evolution. Squirtle could see improvement still happening too, even throughout the first day of travel alone. The smoke he produced once in a blue moon was thicker, the embers brighter, and the power behind his Tackle or Quick Attack heftier.
Despite the transitory excitements of battling, Squirtle saw the world through a pall of weary pessimism. His feelings about the Electric boost and its consequences were up in the air, and his role in all of it? Perhaps it was over. He hadn't done any good at Karprest, that was for sure. Quil approached him privately to ask about his gloomy attitude following their second battle of the day.
"What's wrong, Squirtle? Are you sad because we couldn't save Karprest?"
Squirtle didn't feel like talking. Hiking through endless grasses didn't offer up many other ways to pass the time, however. If he had to pick someone to talk to, it would have been Quil.
"Karprest didn't need saving."
"Are you sure? Stolt was in charge. How could the 'mon be happy over there?"
Another day, Squirtle would have loved to work through a complete discussion of the matter with Quil. Today, it was easier to be succinct. "I'm not sure."
Quil was waiting for more. Squirtle wouldn't give it. "This isn't like you. In Karprest you were quiet too. I'm supposed to be the quiet one." He chuckled and Squirtle could feel a smile directed at him.
"Normally you call out strategies, one after another. Today it was like you'd been hit by one of those flashes of light that get you Confused. You know, the ones that Vulpix or Flaafy can do sometimes?"
Squirtle shook his head, wishing the 'conversation' were over.
"Urgh, never mind, I guess we've never fought either of those. So what happened? Something Stolt said? The team could have used your help when we were deciding what to do. I know I could have!"
"Could they though?" asked Squirtle in a weak voice. He felt tired, emotionally. He almost held the vigor of his Squirtle body in contempt, as it had no right to be so energetic when he was feeling this way. Quil said nothing, and Squirtle felt obligated to elaborate for his sake.
"What right do I have to lead, to choose what to say and do on behalf of our team? I let us come here. Big mistake. I'm leading a meaningless, wasted effort."
"We all decided to come here, Squirtle, together. Viper was the one who picked Karprest anyway, remember? You and I were the most opposed to it. But as a team, we settled on Karprest."
Squirtle swung his claws at the grass in his way, suddenly frustrated that Quil was only seeing the small picture. "They aren't motivated like we were; they don't really want to help. They don't know what they want! Loria is from Karprest, and she still joined up with us. Yet she didn't seem keen on changing the state of the town once we arrived. I think Bein only came along because he feels guilty for not helping out the refugees beyond digging and building. Peroo's with us since he has nothing better to do. He only cares about the Pachirisu problem where he lives in the Mistyfern Whatever."
"So this is about what Stolt said. About Pokémon not knowing what they want."
"Besides," said Squirtle with his voice quiet again, "I shouldn't be calling the shots. Even now, I still don't know if Karprest needed some kind of intervention by us or not. I'm incapable of making important decisions."
"None of us did any better. You can't feel bad about today, Karprest wasn't what any of us expected."
"Give it up, Quil."
"I won't give up when you're feeling awful," Quil said, his tone low but spirited. His eyes had been roving the grasses for the wild Pokémon that could pop out at any moment, but now he was watching Squirtle with concern. "You've always done your best to make me feel better. You deserve the same. Now, I keep explaining that you aren't the only one responsible for what happened today. All of us are to blame, if any of us can be blamed at all. I think the points I've given are logical. They're logical, right?"
Squirtle couldn't bring himself to smile. Quil shouldn't be so focused on cheering him up. Hopeless.
"There must be something more that's bothering you. Please, tell me. You know I won't laugh or walk away."
He looked inside himself, past the veil of depression and self-hatred, but he couldn't find any other reason for him to be feeling this way. Yet, somehow, he trusted Quil. He trusted that Quil was right when he said there was something else bothering him. What was it? The failure at Karprest and his status as an unwanted, unnecessary leader should be reason enough.
"We all wanted to come to Karprest," Quil continued, reinforcing his points. "We all wanted to help. We're all happy to hear your plans, because they work. Today you planned for circumstances that ended up not existing, but this is only your first major plan that didn't work out perfectly. And no one faults you for that!"
"I don't think we should keep doing this, Quil," Squirtle said slowly. His heartbeat quickened. What was he saying? Had he just said those words? And why did they feel so correct? He did have something more that was bothering him. Something big.
"What?" said Quil. He stopped in place. Squirtle stopped as well a couple of steps ahead. He could almost feel the air between them grow cold and heavy. Distancing them. The blades of grass separating them were a barrier that blocked Squirtle from seeing Quil's face in full. Only some pieces between the blades.
"What if the next place we visit is like Karprest? What if they don't need to be saved either? What if we intervene and make things worse?"
Quil was frozen. His ears were up and forward, his eyes glued to Squirtle's.
"How would we feel then, Quil? How would we live with ourselves? So I don't think I can make the calls for this team if we run into another situation that's not black and white. I can't sign us up for a job that might result in another disaster like this one."
"That won't happen," said Quil in a hollow voice. "It's unlikely."
Squirtle shook his head and began moving again before the rest of Team Equalize could fully catch up. Quil followed. "Think back to when we chose Karprest on the request board. We were so sure that Stolt was a problem. We had not only Loria who lives in Karprest, but also me, you, and Bein who had recently been there. None of us doubted that removing Stolt from leadership one way or another was what we had to do." He spat out a laugh that was two parts regret and one part anger. "How wrong we were."
"So I can't see myself doing this anymore. For that reason, and the ones we already talked about. And...deep down, I think I see now what's really upsetting me most."
In his mind, he could see himself walking his life's path. As a Squirtle or a human, it made no difference. Always he'd been moving forward toward a goal. Even on his first night as a Pokémon, fragile and confused from his loss of memories, he'd still pieced together a two-step plan for how to proceed. Now, the path he'd been walking had reached its end. There were no signposts indicating where he'd made a wrong turn. No helpful Pokémon to offer directions. The path had ended at the top of a cliff with no way to progress. A dead end. Squirtle squeezed his eyes shut.
"I thought this was what I was supposed to be doing. If I'm not doing my best to help fight the problems caused by the Electric boost, then what do I do? I wanted to help, but it's not that simple anymore. I can't do this. Now I have no goal. No purpose. I'm just a Squirtle again. An insignificant, accidental Squirtle."
The sun set when the team had made it to the base of the mountains of Heartless Heights. The short-cut straight through Blind Prairie had saved them a respectable chunk of time. Up above, the foreboding trees of Weird Wood still needed to be crossed. A different segment than Quil, Squirtle, and Bein had crossed previously. Squirtle was too drained to feel anxious about the forest.
Quil had had no real comeback to Squirtle's words. His friend was despondent after the feeble attempts he made to convince Squirtle to remain on the team. Squirtle was sorry about the conclusions he'd come to, but Quil had wanted him to open up. He'd opened up, alright. The feelings he had could not be changed or avoided. Sharing them with Quil had to happen sooner or later. What would happen at Cavetown as a result of his decision remained to be seen.
After a cozy, warm night in one of Bein's holes in the ground, the team pressed onward and upward. Initially, the going was challenging, as they needed to forge a route up an increasingly steep and rough hillside. Then mountainside. Fortunately, their route took them near a small path which Peroo spotted from the air. Crossing to that established path made hiking up to Weird Wood appreciably easier.
Somewhere along the way, Squirtle decided it would be better for the longevity of the Special Band and Defense Scarf if they were folded away in Bein's backpack. Every fabric accumulated wear and tear, mundane or otherwise. Future team members might need them for critical battles. The team certainly wouldn't need their help to overwhelm the wild Pokémon along the way today. Bein had no complaint as Squirtle untied the knots and stowed them away.
Loria confessed her own regret to the team that Karprest had turned out to be a place of productivity and joy. No one verbally faulted her. Nor, true to Quil's words, did they express any regret that Squirtle had led the team to Karprest. The topic of future plans for the team remained unmentioned. Squirtle preferred it that way, and he imagined Quil did too. Their return journey to Cavetown was largely a silent one. No one was inclined to start a conversation following their insignificant presence at Karprest.
Like the other path into Weird Wood that Squirtle, Quil, and Bein had walked, their path straightened out once it passed the treeline. It curved only when necessary to avoid the trunks. The heavy atmosphere of the forest exacerbated the team's silence, transforming it into a physical pressure against Squirtle's skull. Vivid colors like the magenta markings above Peroo's eyes and the cheery aqua of Squirtle's skin were muted by the limited sunlight filtering down through the branches. He was unsettled by the change. Yet the last time they crossed the Wood, the only incidents were of his own mind's making. Armed with that knowledge, he was more comfortable among the towering pine trees and the foreboding environment they sponsored.
The creeping anxiety of the forest could not be entirely banished by his logic, however. Every minute under the dark canopy, every step with hidden eyes tracking him, he wished his mind were engrossed in some concrete matter. The alternative was the dark forest whittling away his sanity. He noticed his hands would curl into fists under the stress if he didn't stop them. He cast his mind back to find a lifeline. A question filed away for later, a conundrum begging a solution. Thinking any more about the Electric boost or his role in it was not going to happen, so he settled on tackling a problem that should have been solved long ago. Squirtle increased his pace on the shady path until he could tap Quil on the side.
"Remember when we talked about working on your fear of water? Now's a great time with nothing else to do. Do you want to?"
The timing was actually rather awful, but Squirtle wouldn't admit that when he was about to help Quil feel optimistic and motivated. Squirtle was in a reclusive and morose mood. Quil was likely still absorbing their heavy previous conversation. And the woods were already scary enough without adding Quil's fear of water to the mix. Nevertheless, walking the forest wrapped in their silent, private thoughts was still a worse option.
Quil's voice was almost toneless. "What do I do?"
"I'm not a psychiatrist, but-"
"Not a what?"
Squirtle glanced over the back of his shell. Peroo glided between low-hanging branches, and Loria and Bein walked side-by-side close behind Squirtle. Unsurprisingly, they'd all ended up moving in a more packed formation once they'd entered the forest. The other team members didn't appear especially focused on their conversation, but eavesdropping was inevitable in a silent forest. Squirtle had little desire for them to find out he wasn't a true Pokémon like them.
"I mean, I'm not an expert in helping Pokémon with their fears. I know a method which should be able to help though. We can utilize it as we walk. By the time we get back to Cavetown, maybe water won't be such an obstacle for you anymore. If you want to stop at any time, no problem. I won't push you. We can go at your pace. How does that sound?"
Quil spoke with a reluctance that Squirtle had fully expected. "I'm a Flame. I can't imagine this working. I'm meant to hate water."
"You'll try though?"
Quil sighed and nodded, and for a time, the oppressive atmosphere of Weird Wood was forgotten.
First, Squirtle had his friend create a ranked list of fearful water-related experiences. The top of the list, the scariest ordeal that Quil could imagine, was falling into a large, dark body of water filled with wild Water-type Pokémon. The bottom of the list was observing a small amount of water from a safe distance. So that was where Squirtle began.
He pulled from his Pool and sprayed a humble stream of water off the side of the path and into the trunk of one of the million trees. Quil was not bothered at all by the water. Next, Squirtle jogged ahead and sprayed water at the ground until a little puddle of muddy water had formed. He requested that Quil step over the puddle. Again, there was no evidence of any fear, let alone anxiety as Quil followed the instruction.
When Squirtle made a puddle large enough as to require a leap, Quil finally hesitated. Quil stopped short of the puddle and eyed the dark water with distrust. Squirtle had to admit that even a harmless puddle of water could look sinister in the right lighting and mood. The spooky forest was doing them no favors.
"Good, this is good Quil! This is where we make progress. What I'm going to say may sound silly, but we have nothing to lose." He paused to choose his next words with care, as he imagined a psychiatrist from his previous life might. "Try to calm yourself. Imagine you're curled up at home in Steady Steppe without a care in the world. No water, no other Pokémon around but your family. Close your eyes if that helps. Oh, and relax your muscles, you're tensed up. The goal here is to find peace."
Quil did not seem to agree that the words were silly as he followed Squirtle's instructions to a tee. A minute passed before Quil's eyes slowly opened. This time, the fear was gone as he eyed the puddle. The rest of Team Equalize waited on the other side for Quil to complete the task. They followed the proceedings with interest and, fortunately, patience.
Quil leaped over the puddle and grinned at his small success. Squirtle was equally pleased. He hastened to produce another small puddle ahead for Quil to conquer, which he did with greater alacrity the second time. By the fifth puddle, Quil barely slowed before jumping over the obstacle. Accordingly, Squirtle's next puddle was larger. Quil refused to make the running leap that this new puddle would require, so Squirtle had him fully relax in the face of the new challenge. With some supportive words from Loria and Peroo, and a final verbal push from Squirtle, Quil made the jump and easily cleared the far side of the puddle. He responded to the cheers with another grin.
The hours blew by as Squirtle devoted himself to helping Quil triumph. His role required an unexpected degree of creativity for such a systematic process. Certain details of each trial that Quil had to face inspired anxiety, while others did not. It was Squirtle's job to pinpoint what exactly about water needed to be challenged and overcome by Quil's psyche. Was it the volume of water? The movement? Where it was? How likely it would be to touch Quil? Squirtle wrestled with the particulars of Quil's fear and countered them with fitting trials. The Quilava called for breaks following intense moments, but Squirtle and the others pushed him to keep it up. Quil complied with body language torn between dread and determination.
In the end, Squirtle observed that Quil grew most fearful when falling into a large body of water was possible, much like Quil had said initially. The puddles Squirtle was making could not be too large however, as the water was lost due to overflow, soil absorption, and inconsistent shape. The puddles could never be deep enough to pose a real threat of submersion, either. He needed a container.
"Bein, could you run ahead with me? I'd like your help for the next obstacle."
Bein grunted and broke into a jog. Bein, Loria, and Peroo clearly enjoyed viewing Quil's improvement. Peroo especially loved the excitement of the ordeals as he chatted animatedly with Loria and Bein. The fact that they were often one-sided conversations did not seem to bother him. However, the last thing Squirtle wanted to do was slow the group down by his personal desire to help Quil. Slowing down meant more time in the dark forest. He had to walk the fine line between challenging Quil with his water, and keeping up their steady pace through the wood. Jogging ahead to set up the next barrier solved that problem.
"Can you dig a trench along the side of the path, right here? About three feet wide, five feet long, and say, four feet deep?"
Bein's digging technique was as astonishingly swift and methodical as always as he tunneled into the dirt.
"And please pack the sides to make it more watertight. If you want to, I mean. Only if you want to," Squirtle added.
Bein stopped his digging to return a strange look over his shoulder. Squirtle looked away.
"I do," said Bein, and finished the trench. Squirtle filled it with water and held back a satisfied smile to maintain his Water Gun. The water was barely draining into the dirt. The pool would more than suffice. As he finished, Quil tentatively approached the thin edge on his side of the pool.
"You know what to do," said Squirtle with the tone of a teacher confident in his student's new proficiency. He stepped back to give Quil space.
Eventually, Quil succeeded in running and jumping over the pool with only a choked squeak. Squirtle gave him a few minutes' respite before requesting Bein's help on the next pool. Each time, the shape and size was different to allow Quil to succeed at anything he was presented with in the future. A trend quickly became obvious at the pools: the farther Quil had to jump, the more difficult it was for him to give it a shot. Thus, Squirtle elected to finish off the pool training with a final, narrow strip longer than any before.
"Make it long as a shadow before the sunset," Loria called as Squirtle and Bein trotted far forward along the path to prepare the challenge.
Filling this last pool took the longest time yet due to its impressive length. Squirtle knew from experience that Quil could certainly jump farther than would be required. Still, Squirtle could see why looking down its range from one end would be intimidating even to a Pokémon like Quil who was well aware of his body's limits.
Squirtle stood with Bein, idling by the edge and contemplating how they'd keep up the training regimen once Quil had conquered the final pool. He had a passing feeling that he was normally interrupted from his thoughts by now due to the arrival of Quil, Loria, and Peroo. No matter. They'd jogged too far ahead for once and given themselves too much lead time. He glanced at Bein who was flipping his bone from hand to hand and visually scouting the plain path ahead. Any moment now, Quil would step up to the edge to mentally prepare himself for the challenge. Any moment.
Alright, what is taking so long? Squirtle looked away from the dark waters to the path from which they'd come. To the place where every other time, three familiar figures were arriving to rejoin him and Bein.
The path was deserted.
The forest changed. The darkness of the canopy swelled in importance, becoming a very real threat. Anything could be lurking amid the branches. The ever-present silence of Weird Wood suddenly became obvious to Squirtle's ears. How had he ever been able to ignore it? The innumerable pine trees were all waiting, watching how he would react to the disappearance of the others.
Squirtle stepped backward, away from the grisly sight of the empty path. Remembering Bein, he spun around to see the Cubone was still by his side. He noticed Squirtle's fright.
"What's wrong?"
"The others, they're gone! Quil, Loria, Peroo, gone, not on the path!" Squirtle babbled, pointing a shaking claw back where they'd come from.
Bein's eyes narrowed in his skull's eye sockets. "Let's go."
Squirtle was not two steps behind. No way was Bein going to be any more than an arm's length away at any time. Just to be sure they wouldn't be separated, Squirtle grabbed ahold of the pack on Bein's back. Both of them craned their heads, looking left, right, and above. No figures came into view as they retraced their steps along the path. The three had vanished into thin air. No voices, no movement. Squirtle would have been grateful for even a scream, so long as he knew they were nearby.
Bein's pace slowed once he passed the place that all five of them had last been together. Now, there was no sign of anyone. Squirtle fell to all fours and inspected the dirt for any telling prints, but the path had never been moist enough for any of them to leave any mark as they walked. Peroo wouldn't have even left any prints. Bein seemed reluctant to backtrack even further, but Squirtle figured the others might have gone backwards for some reason.
"Quil?" he called into the trees on either side. His voice trembled, but at the moment, he was willing to reveal how scared he was if he could just hear a response. "Peroo, Loria? If you're there, please say something!"
Bein shook his head with almost theatrical slowness as his eyes scanned the trees. He hardly appeared bothered by their missing companions. Typical Bein. Most crises couldn't throw him off balance. That was no problem though, since Squirtle wagered he was frightened enough for both of them.
"Nothing," Bein finally murmured into the stillness. His voice was eerily calm. "We're alone."