I woke up shivering, hearing persistent knocking at my dorm room door. It was 5.30 pm – a good two hours before I'd planned to face the world.

"I hope you're decent because I'm coming in," a vaguely familiar female voice said, and I heard a key turning in the lock. Sitting up, and closing my robe around me, I saw Guardian Matthews standing in the doorway.

"Shit, Hathaway! It's freezing in here," she said walking across the room and closing my window. "It's snowing out there, you know?"

I shrugged. Honestly, right now everything just felt numb. I'd sat beneath the window crying for hours, eventually crawling into my bed as the sun started climbing into the sky. I'd obviously slept the entire day away.

"Get some training gear on, and we'll go to the gym," Matthews ordered, yet looking at me kindly. I just stared at her. I couldn't figure out why she was here. She sighed, coming to sit on the side of my bed.

"I know where Belikov has gone and why," she started, "and I know he'd want you to keep up your training. I'm not trying to replace him as your mentor, but I thought you might need a training buddy."

I didn't know what to say. The idea of training with anyone but Dimitri was abhorrent, yet I couldn't avoid the gym forever.

"He was my guarding partner for two years," Matthews explained, "and we grew to be quite close," she added looking at me meaningfully. I wasn't sure what she was trying to say. Was she telling me she was in love with Dimitri, too?! "He's a very private person, but I know you're very… special… to him. I thought it might help if you had someone to train with who you didn't have to pretend around?"

She grabbed my hands, giving me a pained look as she saw the tears welling in my eyes.

"Thank you," I mumbled, swiveling my legs out of bed and grabbing some clean workout gear. I went to grab my bag, forgetting it was still full of my clothes from Missoula. I sighed, quickly emptying it on the bed before stuffing some clothes for the day into it. The pack of photos from our weekend away spilled open, a picture of Dimitri and I with our arms around each other showing on top. It wasn't too incriminating, but it wasn't your usual student/mentor photo either.

Matthews looked at it and smiled. "That's a really nice shot," she said, giving me a kind but knowing smile.

I nodded, picking up the pack of photos and putting it in my desk drawer. When I got back after class, I'd pin some of them up. No one ever visited my room, Lissa's being much larger and more comfortable for any get-togethers, so it wasn't like anyone would see them.

Matthews stood, looking at my photo wall in an obvious attempt to give me some privacy to change, so I discarded my robe and put on panties and a workout bra, topping it with a pair of sweatpants and a TShirt. I didn't even know why I was complying with Matthew's request, other than it seemed easier to go along with what she wanted than tell her to go away. And I had to attend classes and try and hold it together in a couple of hours. It would be easier to do that if I started my interactions with someone who knew the truth about Dimitri's departure, and by the looks of it had a pretty good idea about he and I, too.

I shouldered my bag, and we exited my room, walking through the quiet hallways and exiting the dorms heading towards the gym. When we arrived, as per usual it was deserted.

"You don't usually workout at this time," I observed, trying to make conversation.

"Yeah, I'm usually on shift at this time, but with Dimitri leaving Alberta's changed the roster. I'm now taking over Dimitri's old shifts, and Emil is taking over mine."

I couldn't help it, as soon as she said Dimitri's name I flinched.

"I'm sorry, would you rather I not talk about him?" she asked kindly. "I don't want to make this any harder for you."

"No. I have to get used to it," I said softly. "People are going to be asking where he is, and I can't be bursting into tears every five minutes."

Matthews nodded. "You've got guts, Hathaway. I know this can't be easy…"

"Please, call me Rose."

"Sure thing, and you can call me Celeste – at least when we're in here. It's nice to remember I have a first name sometimes, you know?"

I smiled at her. It was commonplace for Guardians to be referred to by their surnames, not their given names. In fact, the only two Guardians I could think of who regularly used their given names were Alberta and Emil. Alberta by way of her seniority, and Emil because no one could say his surname properly.

We started our stretches, Celeste asking about what Dimitri and I usually did during training. I ran her through our usual morning and afternoon session setups, explaining how we usually alternated strength and cardio, then practiced specific moves and finally sparred. I also told her that when the weather was fine, we'd usually start with a long run through the sunset.

"Well let's see how I pull up after this afternoon's session," Celeste joked. "It's been a while since I've done a couple of training sessions in one day! If it's not snowing tomorrow, maybe we can do a run, too."

I looked at her surprised. I hadn't thought she'd be joining me for my afternoon training, too, but somehow the thought was comforting. The idea of suddenly so much time alone scared me, especially since I knew which direction my thoughts would head. Today, being Wednesday, I was scheduled to do weights, so we did our reps and then took turns spotting one another. Celeste didn't chat too much, for which I was grateful.

We were just finishing up our weights at 6.30 and preparing to spar when the gym doors opened, revealing a worried looking Alberta.

"Here you are!" she said, looking at me carefully. "I wasn't sure if you'd be working out today," she continued delicately.

"Yeah. Guardian Matthews came and got me. She said her shifts had changed and thought it might be nice to have a workout buddy."

Alberta gave Celeste a grateful nod. Clearing her throat, Alberta said, "I got word that Guardian Belikov reached Court and joined others there to fly out to his destination. My understanding is the group will be stationed in an isolated region for a week or two before they're deployed. From here on in, I'm not likely to hear much, but anything I hear you'll hear, Rose," she promised. "In the meantime, the official line is Belikov is on leave visiting his family."

I nodded. "I understand. Dimitri explained the need for secrecy. He's also told me who knows so I don't accidentally say something."

"I know this is hard, Rose," Alberta said, stepping closer. "I want you to know you can talk to me, any time of the day or night." She reached out and hugged me and I nodded, trying to blink back my tears. "Ok, well I'll leave you two to it," she said, pulling away and blinking back a few tears of her own.

Sparring with Celeste was very different to sparring with Dimitri. I didn't know any of her signature actions, so I had to pay attention more closely than I did with my Russian God. She also used some moves Dimitri rarely or never employed, which meant I had to attempt different approaches to counter her. She was actually really good, so it wasn't surprising that she pinned me.

"You're good, Rose," Celeste complimented after our third round. "Much better than I was in my Senior year. There are a few things I could teach you, though, if you'd like? Not as a mentor," she added quickly, "just as a friend."

"That would be great," I said, and I meant it. I needed something to focus on other than my grief and fear for Dimitri.

"Come on – let's hit the showers. My shift starts soon, and I need to eat," she said, trying to be jovial.

It was weird heading to the showers with another woman. It wasn't that I was particularly modest – Novices and Guardians, as a rule, were a pretty practical bunch and lots of training meant being used to changing in front of one another. I was just used to having the women's change rooms to myself in the mornings as Dimitri and I were usually the only ones training.

Celeste stripped down, and I did likewise, taking adjacent shower cubicles. I closed my eyes, stepping under the spray, remembering the last shower I took had been with Dimitri. In fact, I was right now washing remnants of his kisses, and more, from my body. I was still a little tender from the lovemaking we'd indulged in all weekend, and I muffled a sob as I realized that pain was now all I had left.

I quickly washed my face under the water, hoping it would help mask my puffy eyes. Stepping out of the shower and toweling down, I checked my reflection in the mirror. It wasn't great, but I was passable. I'd get away with it by passing it off as disrupted sleep thanks to changing back from days to nights. As luck would have it, Wednesdays were my most theory-dense school day, so I'd be in the classroom most of the time. While it would be boring, it meant less opportunity for chatting with my friends, which today could only be a good thing.

Dressed, I threw my damp hair up into a ponytail. Usually, I'd spend a little more time combing it out, but that had always been for Dimitri's benefit. I'd known he loved my hair, so I'd always paid special attention to it on the off chance he'd be guarding one of my classes. Knowing today there was no point, I didn't bother.

Celeste and I walked through the commons towards the cafeteria together. "Thanks for this morning," I started, grateful for her thoughtfulness. "It's really helped."

She smiled. "No worries. See you after classes for an afternoon session?"

"Yeah, ok. Only if it's no bother…?"

"No bother, Rose. It's nice to have another woman to train with," she assured me with a kind smile, heading across to dump her gym bag beside a table of Guardians, then getting into the food line. I walked over to my usual seat, dropping my bag beside Mason and Eddie.

"Hey! Long time no see," Mason said happily, giving me a smile. "How was your mock qualifier?"

"Yeah, you know... Four days of being told everything I'm doing wrong," I joked, trying to keep my voice light. "Anything happen here while I was away?" I asked, trying to deflect questions away from my weekend.

"Yeah! Blake called Alto a faggot not knowing he was standing behind him. Alto went nuts. Blake's in detention for a month!" Mason laughed. He disliked both Blake and Alto.

"So he should be. Someone's sexuality isn't something to joke around about."

"You reckon Alto might be gay?" Eddie asked, looking at me speculatively.

I shuddered. "I don't want to think about Alto having sex with anyone," I clarified, "male or female. I just don't think it's cool calling someone gay as an insult. Like it's a bad thing."

"Hey! I don't think being gay is horrible," Eddie defended. "I'd love to witness a little girl-on-girl action with a couple of lesbians," he said grinning, giving Mason a nod and a wink. Mason laughed, giving Eddie a high five.

"You two need to grow up," I snapped, standing and walking over to the food line to pick up some breakfast. I wasn't hungry, but it gave me a moment or two to calm down. Picking up my usual chocolate doughnut I could almost hear Dimitri lecturing me about my diet, so I also picked up a tub of fruit salad. It was less than I'd usually have, but I'd probably struggle even to get that down. My stomach just seemed to be in knots.

Returning to the table, I was grateful to see Lissa and Christian had arrived. Eddie and Mason always toned it down in front of Lissa.

"Hey!" Lissa said jumping up and hugging me. "It seems like ages since I've seen you! How was your mock qualifier?"

"Yeah it was ok," I said, quickly chewing a piece of melon, so I had an excuse for not saying anything more. Knowing nothing about these things, she didn't press for details. "How was your weekend?"

"Not bad. I just worked out there're only two and a half weeks until Christmas!" she gushed, "and I haven't bought a thing!"

I mentally sighed. Christmas was a difficult time of year for Lissa. Her family had always made a big deal about it, and since they'd died, the onus had been on me to do likewise. But I just couldn't see how I'd find the will to celebrate this year. I wondered what Dimitri and I would have done for Christmas had he been here. He'd no doubt have been on duty, but I'd like to think he'd have found a spare moment for me. Perhaps we would have exchanged gifts, or found a bunch of mistletoe to stand beneath? He'd told me in Russia they celebrated Christmas in the first week of January, and that his mother made them attend lots of Church services. He'd also described their Christmas feasts which were apparently huge, consisting of twelve courses.

"… so what do you think, Rose?" Lissa was looking at me, waiting for an answer.

"Sorry – I blanked out there for a minute. What do I think about what?"

"About shopping? In Missoula!" she repeated in excitement. "I asked Principal Kirova, and she said I could go the weekend after next and do my Christmas shopping and get a dress for the Yule Ball. And as long as you keep out of trouble until then, you can come too!"

"That's great," I said, plastering what I hoped passed for an enthusiastic expression on my face. Christmas was seriously the last thing on my radar right now, but I'd try and appear excited for Lissa's sake. "Have you finished your shopping?" I asked Christian, hoping to deflect Lissa's attention elsewhere. "You know Lissa loves Christmas, and this will be your first one together…"

Lissa turned to Christian, her eyes overflowing with love. And for the first time, when I looked at her I felt the sharp sting of jealousy. I'd never envied Lissa her family, her wealth, her social station or her freedom to do whatever she wanted to in life. But right now I was bitterly envious that she'd be able to spend Christmas openly celebrating with her man, while my secret love might be dead by then.

I stifled a sob, standing up and walking towards the ladies bathroom on the far side of the cafeteria. Retreating into the seclusion of a stall, I sat on the lid, balling toilet paper into my hand and pressing it into the corners of my eyes to try and stop myself crying. I sat there for as long as I dared, conscious that too long an absence might be noticed. Taking a few deep breaths, and reminding myself I needed to pull this off for Dimitri, I stood up and flushed, exiting the stall and washing my hands before returning to the table. Lissa and Christian were standing, about to leave to visit the feeders.

"I'll see you in fifth period," Lissa said, looking at me meaningfully. She obviously had something she wanted to discuss.

"Sure thing," I said, plastering a smile on my face. First period I had Bodyguard Theory and Personal Protection with my arch nemesis, Stan Alto. Stan and I had a love-hate relationship. As in, we loved to hate one another. I was hoping he wouldn't be an ass today because I didn't know if I had it in me to cope with him on top of everything else. I could feel myself stretched tighter than a taut elastic band. The slightest provocation and I'd probably snap. And while I knew Alberta was feeling compassionate towards me, even she wouldn't be able to smooth it over if I punched Alto in the face.

"Come on," Mason said standing up from the table. "You know Alto will go apeshit if you're late after missing the last three classes…"

"But I was on a training exercise," I grumbled, wondering whether Alto knew the truth about where I'd been. I knew from Dimitri he was one of the ones aware of his reallocation, and he had walked in on me cuddled on Dimitri's lap in the gym before we left last week.

"Doesn't mean he'll be ok with it," Eddie chimed in, and secretly I agreed. Alto wasn't the sort to let a reasonable excuse stand in the way of punishing or belittling a student – and as his favorite student to humiliate, I could expect the sharp edge of his tongue.

Seriously wishing I'd stayed in bed, I shouldered my bag and picked up my doughnut, nibbling at it as I followed Mason and Eddie from the cafeteria. Walking through the corridors towards class, I had to stop myself taking a second glance at every Guardian uniform I saw. Sure no one else came even close to the six-foot seven-inch stance of my lover, but I was so accustomed to keeping an eye out for Dimitri as I walked the halls, I constantly had to remind myself I wouldn't be seeing him.

Arriving at the door of Alto's classroom I congratulated myself on being early. Usually, I was at least five minutes late to Stan's classes, but today I swallowed the last of my breakfast and trailed Eddie and Mason in with a minute or two to spare.

As always, Stan was standing at the front of the room, ready to torment any student who arrived even a moment after the bell had ceased ringing. But today he was disappointed – every one of his class was seated and ready for him by the time the bell rang. Seeing him cast his eyes across the dispirited bunch that constituted his class, I waited for him to look at me and start his usual attack. And that's when I learned there was something even worse than earning Stan's ire. As his eyes briefly met mine, all I could see was his pity.