I was sitting on my cot bed playing solitaire. It wasn't particularly comfortable, but with less than two feet between each bed, there really wasn't anywhere else to sit. Around me were around forty men, talking, resting and arguing. The others must be showering training or cooking. One of the guys had had the forethought to bring along a dozen packs of cards and a miniature chess set. Talk about a way to make yourself popular. With not a lot else to do, and only limited opportunities to train and spar, these small diversions prevented a good deal of acrimony and fights.

Two weeks staying in a chilly, cramped, dilapidated Church with only the most rudimentary of plumbing and kitchen amenities was enough to drive any man crazy, let alone sixty men used to lots of exercise. It didn't help that we all knew we were here on a one-way trip, so tensions were understandably already running high. We didn't know how long we'd be staying here before we were finally deployed into what would undoubtedly be our final battle, so we'd quickly sorted out a roster – evenly distributing cooking, sanitary and training times to make the best use of the extremely limited facilities. But still, there were numerous falling outs and punch-ups. Every man was on edge, and it made for uncomfortable quarters for all concerned.

I was luckier than most. We were stationed outside Novosibirsk – so I was used to the frigid weather and could speak the language. And despite the circumstances, I enjoyed being back in my home country. We were trying to remain inconspicuous, but sixty Guardians ate a lot of food - so as a native speaker, and one raised far enough away that I was unlikely to run into anyone I knew - I was one of those sent to nearby farmers' markets with a truck to buy necessary supplies – no easy feat in a Siberian winter. We couldn't afford to attract attention by going to the same places too often, so myself and a couple of others would drive to different areas, scouring the city surrounds to buy the meat, fruit, and vegetables we needed. Boring - but a welcome relief from the claustrophobic confines of the Church, even though with every trip I was tempted to disobey orders and try to contact Rose.

Rose. The person who occupied my every waking thought and, apparently, my sleeping ones, too. Two days in, the other men already wanted to know who 'Roza' was. Apparently, my traitorous lips had spilled her name in my sleep. I endured their jibes but said nothing. She was so very precious to me; I wouldn't have her cheapened via discussion with men whose only interest in her was as a momentary distraction.

So I kept to myself, talking occasionally with a few men I knew from St. Basil's – training fiercely during my allocated hours each day, helping get our supplies and basically twenty-four seven thinking about the woman I loved. Which is what I was doing now as I idly played solitaire.

"Belikov?" our commander Guardian Saunders said, walking through the slim pathway between narrow military cots in the Church. "Your student's passed her Qualifier. Killed three Strigoi as well. Schoenberg wants to speak with you," he said, holding out a cell phone to me.

Every eye in the Church was watching me, and my heart was pounding so hard it was nearly leaping out of my chest. "Belikov," I said, the phone against my ear.

"Dimitri," Art greeted me. "You were right. She's phenomenal. She and Guardian Matthews arrived a couple of minutes into a major Strigoi attack here at the Badica's. There were eleven, and she took down three completely unaided, and I have no doubt she would have taken more if I hadn't directed her to another part of the house. I've passed her for her Qualifier and will write a glowing reference. That girl has big things ahead of her. They're just waiting for sun-up, and they'll head back to the Academy."

"She's there?" I gasped trying to keep my voice down to afford myself a modicum of privacy. "Did you tell her you'd be speaking with me? Did she have a message?" I sounded like a completely desperate man, and I didn't care.

"She did, actually. She asked me to tell you 'Roza misses you like crazy.'"

I smiled. Calling herself Roza was her way of showing me her love without letting too much on to anyone else. I let out a huge sigh.

"Art? Can you tell her that her Comrade misses her too?"

"'Her Comrade?' Dimitri?"

"Yes?"

"She's your girl, isn't she? And I don't mean your student…"

"Yeah. Yeah, she is," I said, my sadness all too apparent. "We're very much in love."

It was Art's turn to sigh.

"I get it. If a girl like that had given me the time of day twenty years ago, I'd have fallen for her, too. You can have five minutes. I don't care what you talk about, as long as it has nothing to do with the mission. I'll be in the room, so I'll hear what she says, but if it's not operational, I won't pay attention to it. Understood?"

"Understood," I vowed softly. "Thank you, Art."

There was a pause, I could hear Art saying something in the background, and then I heard the sweetest voice in the world.

"Comrade?!"

Celeste and I were standing outside Schoenberg's office. The door was closed, and I was nearly climbing the walls knowing he was in there talking to someone who could talk to my Dimitri. Four degrees of separation was closer than we'd been since he left. Celeste was looking at me sympathetically. She hadn't missed the excitement in my eyes when Schoenberg had mentioned passing on a message.

The door opened and Guardian Schoenberg was there holding a phone.

"Someone's very keen to speak with his girl. You have five minutes. I'll be sitting here to make sure nothing's said about the mission but other than that I hear nothing and I don't judge," he said kindly, motioning me inside to sit on the chair in front of his desk. He handed me the phone.

"Comrade?!" I whispered, still not daring to hope it would actually be him.

"Roza," he sighed, and my whole world shook on its axis.

"Dimitri! I've missed you so much!" I moaned, tears already streaming down my cheeks.

"I've missed you too, milaya," he said quietly. "More than you could ever imagine, baby. I heard you made your first kills?" Even talking quietly as he was, I could hear the pride in his voice.

"I did. You'd be so proud of me – I didn't hesitate. It was hard, but I could almost feel you next to me as I fought. I'll be getting my first molnija – I wish you were here to see them."

"I wish I was too… You're going to look even more beautiful. How's everything back there?"

"It's ok," I said through my tears. "I'm not sleeping so well. It's hard to fall asleep without you holding me, and when I finally do, I have all these weird full on dreams. And then I'm so tired the next day I fall asleep in class. How are you sleeping?"

"I sleep ok. I like sleeping because I dream of you."

"I love it when I dream of you, too. It's like I can pretend you're still here. I just love you so much."

"I love you too, Roza. So very much. I think about you all the time."

"I think about you, too," I confessed. "Everyone's accepted that you're on holidays – no one's questioned it. It sucks, you know. Half the time I'm so freaking angry. It's like my entire life has been ripped in half and pretty much everyone else is going on their way with no fucking idea how painful this is. All I want to do is scream and cry and carry on and I can't. It's like I'm invisible you know? Like our love just never happened."

"Oh milaya," he crooned soothingly. "You're not invisible… There's a man here who's thinking of nothing but you. If I could take your pain away, I would, baby. You're everything to me."

I smiled. "I've knocked off your gym gear, just so you know. The last ones you wore. I've washed everything else, but they still smell like you…"

"That's fine. You keep them," he said with a chuckle in his voice.

"Don't you laugh at me, Comrade. I've done much sadder things than that. The other night I missed your voice so much I kept redialling your voicemail just so I could hear your voice. And I miss talking to you about my day, so I've been e-mailing you every few days, even though I'm not sure your account is still active and I know you can't read it. It just helps, you know?"

"It's ok milaya. You do whatever helps. I don't want you to suffer. Have you got plans for Christmas my darling?"

"Probably just spend it with Lissa and Christian. Honestly, I just wish it would go away. I don't want to celebrate without you here. I don't want to do anything unless you're here. Christian's Aunt Tasha is going to be visiting, though. Does she know the truth or do I pretend you're visiting your family?"

"I haven't spoken to her in months so just tell her I'm visiting my family. You've got Mama's number, maybe call and warn her that Tasha might call to try and speak to me what with it being Christmas. Do ring Baia – I know Mama would love to hear from you. She really liked you a lot. It's a hard time for them, too, and she'll be happy to know you've spoken to me. Please tell them I'm ok and that I love them."

"I will Comrade, I promise. So what do you want for Christmas?"

"You Roza. Just you. What are you hoping for from Santa?" he asked with a teasing tone.

"The same," I sighed. "All I want is you... I've still got your necklace on; I haven't taken it off. Lissa asked about it, and Celeste lied and said she gave it to me so Lissa wouldn't be suspicious. Celeste and I have been training mornings and afternoons. Not as a mentor – just as training buddies. It's helped so much, because it's so hard to fill the hours without you."

"I feel the same way," he sighed. "I can't tell you anything about here, but know that I think of you just about constantly."

"Are you lonely?" I whispered. "For me, it's like I'm surrounded by so many people, but I feel so lost…" I was crying in earnest now.

"I know milaya. I feel the same. When I feel sad, I just close my eyes and imagine you're in my arms. That I'm running my fingers through your hair. That we're happy and laughing and together again."

"I do that too. Sometimes when I'm on the track and running I close my eyes, and I can almost hear you running along beside me, and for just those few seconds everything feels right again. And then I open my eyes, and it's not you, and everything is so fucked up…" I was absolutely howling.

"Oh milaya," Dimitri said, sounding so tortured. "I'd do anything to have spared you this. Maybe I should have left when I planned to," he suggested bitterly.

"NO! That would have been so much worse. It's ok. I'll be ok. I just miss you so much. You need to promise me, Comrade. Whatever it takes, if there's any chance – any chance at all you can make it back you'll do it. Promise me!"

"I promise you, Roza. Whatever it takes, if I can do it I will."

"And I promise you I'll wait. No matter how long, you're the one for me Dimitri Belikov. You're always going to be the one for me."

"As you're the one for me, Rosemarie Hathaway," he whispered.

"You've never called me Rosemarie before," I murmured. "I don't hate it so much when you say it. But I still prefer Roza…"

"You'll always be my Roza," he promised.

"Always?"

"Always, milaya. It's time…"

"I know," I said. It was just like last time, and my heart was breaking all over again. "Take care of yourself, Comrade. I'll be here waiting and dreaming and loving you."

"I'll be doing the same, Roza."

There was a pause, and then a different man's voice said "Schoenberg?"

I was crying too hard to do anything other than pass the phone to Guardian Schoenberg. I stood up and saw Celeste standing in the doorway. She must have heard everything. She looked at me and opened her arms – and I all but fell into them. She led me down the corridor to a sitting room and we sat side by side on a little settee, my head on her shoulder while I cried until there were no tears left.

The light was just peeking over the horizon when there was a knock at the door, and Guardian Schoenberg was standing there with two cups of black coffee. He handed one to me, the other to Celeste.

"I've finished the paperwork for your Qualifiers and your molnija, Rose. Matthews – you should get on the road as soon as possible. I'd like you both back behind wards at the Academy while it's still light." With the family leaving for court, the original plans for us to stay overnight had gone out the window.

"Thank you," I said softly. "For everything. I'm so sorry about before… I know it might not have seemed like it, but I'm so very very happy and grateful to have had the opportunity to speak with Dimitri." I was embarrassed about falling apart like that in front of Guardian Schoenberg. Hell knows what he thought of me now - and so much for keeping things between Dimitri and me quiet.

"Rose you have nothing to be apologetic about. I'm just sorry this has happened to you both," Schoenberg paused, looking at me. "I can't tell you much, but I can tell you they're somewhere waiting to be deployed, and it won't be long. A week tops. Once that happens you can tell your friends the truth."

I shrugged. "That's the thing – the only people who know about Dimitri and me already know what's happened. To most people, he's just another Guardian. But he's everything to me."

"Their loss. He's an admirable young man," Schoenberg said kindly.

We finished our coffees, took the cups back to the kitchen where we said farewell and shook hands with the remaining Guardians, and walked back out to the SUV. We climbed in and headed down the driveway, through the small town and back on to the I-90 driving towards the Academy.

"So do you want to tell me about it?" Celeste asked after we were established on the highway. "I'd already figured you and Belikov were pretty close…" she trailed off.

And so for the next few hours, I spilled my guts to Celeste. I told her about the attraction from early on; the looks and stolen kisses, the lust charm, the fight not to love and want each other, our losing battle with our emotions. I told her about Dimitri holding my hand in the library. How he'd slipped up and told me he loved me. How I'd told him the same thing back. I skirted just how I'd ended up on that final long weekend with him, but Celeste could mentally join the dots.

So then I told her how we'd spent the weekend loving one another. I didn't go into specifics, but she understood we'd made love.

"He was my first," I whispered, "And it was perfect."

"I could see it, you know," Celeste said. "Dimitri was so careful to try and not give anything away – but he was my guarding partner and, well, you notice things after a while."

"Like what?"

"Like a few weeks after he started training with you, he started to shave and put on cologne in the mornings if he was going to see you. If for whatever reason you weren't working out together, he'd shave after training instead."

A soft smile came to my face. "That's funny – because I actually like a bit of stubble on him. It's sexy! But I do really like his cologne. I think I told him that once early on…"

We both smiled.

"It was the same with his workout gear. Before you came back, he'd wear the oldest sweats, but then he started wearing better stuff - but only when he'd be spending time with you."

I laughed a little at that. It was hard to imagine Dimitri had been dressing up for me, but then hadn't I been doing the same? I'd purposely wear my hair down to training every morning, putting it up only when I was ready to start – and for no other reason than I knew he liked it. We fell into silence after that. I closed my eyes and thought about my conversation with my Russian God. There was so much more I wished I'd said to him.

I must have fallen asleep, because next thing I knew we were at the Academy gatehouse reporting in. I was opening my eyes as we came up the driveway. I glanced at the dash clock. Almost midday – we'd made good time. I was tired and emotionally drained, but glad to be back. We pulled up in front of the main building, and I was surprised to see Lissa and Christian standing under the portico there. It was very late for them – they should have been in bed a few hours ago – were they waiting for me? That's when I noticed the raven-haired woman beside them. Christian's Aunt. By the looks of the luggage, she must have just arrived. Made sense. A lot of Moroi chose to travel in the daylight when it was safer.

Also standing there, off to one side, was Alberta. And she was waiting for me. I opened the SUV passenger door, and one look from her told me she knew about the Strigoi and the phone call. I flew up the stairs, past a surprised looking Lissa, and threw myself into Alberta's arms. I had my head buried in her neck as my sobs started again. She wasn't my Mom, but she might as well be. And right now I needed a Mom.

"Come on Rose, let's get you inside," she soothed.