"Come on, Rose! The Yule Ball is the second last dance before graduation. Can't you at least pretend to be excited?!" It was Christmas Eve, and I was sitting on a chair in Lissa's room as she and Tasha primped and prepped me for the dance. "And I still don't get why you don't have a date?"
Because the man I'm in love with isn't here and I don't want to even think about going with anyone else – that's why I thought to myself. Out loud I sighed and said, "I told you, Lissa – I'm just not into anyone, so I'd rather go solo."
"Are you ok?" she asked, looking at me carefully. Lissa wasn't always the most observant, but I guess me not being excited about a dance was pretty out of character.
"Yeah. Still working through my feelings after my Qualifier," I said, not completely untruthfully. Celeste and I had talked about it, and I was feeling a bit better about it. I was grateful Christian, Lissa and Tasha hadn't told anyone so, for now, no one else knew.
Lissa nodded, and I could tell through the bond she felt guilty the kills had affected me so much. Like Christian, she thought a Guardian's first kills were something they'd celebrate, so now she felt bad that she hadn't appreciated that no amount of training or justification could prepare someone for the reality of taking a life. Even a soulless one. Of course, she didn't know that that was only a part of my disquiet - but I couldn't be sharing that information with her.
"So did you have any luck contacting Guardian Belikov, Tasha?" Lissa asked kindly. "Is he likely to be here tonight?"
"I don't think so," Tasha said, disappointment in her voice. "I've left two or three messages on his voicemail, but he hasn't called back."
"Phone towers are probably down. I remember Dimitri once said the winter is fierce in Baia. If it's been snowing heavily, it might have taken them out?" I suggested.
"I hadn't thought of that," Tasha replied brightly. "I'll try his house in Baia tomorrow. It will be nice to wish him happy Christmas and to let him know there's something special waiting for him here at the Academy," she simpered. Yep. Wanted to hurl again. Or hurl something at her. Not quite sure which! It was hard, because other than her frequent suggestive mentions about my man, I actually liked Tasha.
"So how are you doing your hair tonight, Liss?" I asked, changing topics.
"I thought I'd do half up half down in loose curls," she explained, lifting part of her hair to show Tasha and me what she meant.
"Oh! Can I do it for you?" Tasha asked enthusiastically, looking to Lissa then I for approval.
I shrugged and nodded, looking at Lissa. I always did her hair and her mine before we went out – but I knew she was trying to bond as much as possible with Tasha. Besides which, I wasn't hugely skilled at doing hair, so Tasha might well be the better choice. Lissa shot me a grateful look as I flopped back on her sofa and flicked through a magazine while Tasha got busy with the hair iron.
"Hey, what does dochka mean? In Russian? I think that's how it was said?"
"What was the context?" Tasha asked curiously.
"Um – it was in one of my Guardian studies examples," I said, frantically trying to come up with a plausible story. "A young woman was talking with an older woman who said 'make sure you do dochka,' but the young woman's name was something else."
"Oh – that's an affectionate term for daughter," Lissa explained, and Tasha agreed.
I smiled internally. Olena had called me her daughter! That was a pretty big tick of approval on the mother-in-law front, I thought happily. I went back to loafing on the sofa, idly listening to Lissa and Tasha chat, but really thinking about Dimitri. I'd sent him a long email earlier telling him about the Tasha situation. I'd never been into journaling, but I had to admit as a technique for straightening things out in my head it had merit. Half the time as I wrote I could imagine my Russian God's sensual voice replying to my ramblings. What I'd give to have him really here. How eighteen days could be such a long time was beyond me.
I was saved further reflection by Tasha and Lissa demanding I get up and put my dress on. Tight and red with matching shoes, I had to admit I looked hot. Shame the only one I wanted to look hot for wouldn't be there.
Christian arrived promptly at 7.30 am knocking on the door and admiring the three of us. In his tux, he scrubbed up well. Tasha made he and Lissa stand for numerous photos and then I took masses more of the three of them before we were finally allowed to depart. The Moroi dorms being closer to the main part of campus than the Dhampir ones, we were able to quickly teeter across the cleared, salted path from the warm dorm block to the building that housed the hall where tonight's dance would be held. Lucky I'd got ready at Lissa's – trudging through the deep snow in heels from the Dhampir dorms would not have been fun, and nothing ruined the look of an evening dress like chunky all-weather combat boots.
We got to the doors of the dance, Christian gallantly taking Tasha on one arm and Lissa on the other and leading them into the hall. Following in their wake, I looked around with interest. If the Moroi knew how to do one thing, it was throw a party, and because there were quite a few parents at this one it would be better than most. The hall had been decorated with real pine garlands with artificial snow tips. Closing my eyes I inhaled, breathing in the scent of Christmas. Tears pricked at the back of my eyes as it also brought to mind the smell of Dimitri's aftershave. I blinked them back and looked around to see if could see anyone I wanted to talk to. Since that was basically restricted to Eddie and Mason, I wasn't fancying my chances of finding them in the hall.
Lissa and Christian were introducing Tasha to those friends who had not gone home for Christmas. She'd worn a lot of makeup tonight, so her scars were less noticeable particularly in this dim light, and even I had to admit she looked sensational in the strapless teal taffeta evening gown she was wearing. With her slim, graceful body, long dark hair and piercing blue eyes she was a beautiful woman – a fact not unnoticed by the male Moroi present. Quite a few Moroi parents had come to St Vladimir's to spend Christmas with their children, so Tasha was far from being the only older person present.
I sighed, not sure why I was feeling so despondent by the admiring glances she was getting. I was the one Dimitri wanted, not Tasha. But I guess that was a moot point at the moment, anyway. Suddenly I wished I'd accepted one of the invites to pre or post parties. I just wanted to wipe myself out until I couldn't stand. Until I couldn't even think.
"What's such a beautiful woman doing standing all by herself?" Mason asked, coming to stand beside me.
"Hi Mase," I smiled, happy to see him. I knew he fancied me, but even before things happened with Dimitri, I couldn't feel the same way about him. It would have been so much simpler if I could have – but it just hadn't worked out that way. Since Mason didn't know my heart had been claimed by another, he kept subtly trying to get me to see him as a suitor, and I kept deflecting him. And it looked like tonight was going to be no exception.
"Would you like something to eat? Or perhaps to dance?" he enquired considerately.
"Food!" I laughed, joking about my ever-present appetite. Not that there was ever much to eat at things like this. I really should have had an early dinner like the other Dhampirs, but I'd been too busy getting ready with Lissa and Tasha. Consequently, Mason and I went on a hunting and foraging mission, looking for the platters of tiny hors d'oeuvres typically dished up at these events.
Parking myself near the service entrance to the kitchens, I was in the plum position to attack every tray that came out – which is exactly what I did for the next half an hour. Mason, ever the gent, stood and chatted to me as I all but inhaled the miniature treats.
"Planning to leave any for anyone else, Hathaway?" Celeste joked, coming across in her formal Guardian uniform to say hello. She was on duty as a guard and chaperone.
"Hey Matthews," I said, using her surname as we'd agreed I'd do in formal situations. "I was getting ready with the Princess so didn't have a chance to have dinner," I explained, reaching over to filch a couple more of the rare roast beef and horseradish mini toasts from a passing server.
"Don't give yourself indigestion," she joked. "And stay away from the smoked salmon – I heard someone in the kitchen say it didn't smell the best."
"Shall do," I said giving her a mock salute. Although I was still ravenous, I let Mason lead me across to the dance floor where the first slow song of the evening had started. I didn't want to encourage him too much, so while I let him put his hand on my waist the second it started to slip even a fraction I pulled it back up. We danced for a couple of songs, keeping up our chatter about who had stayed on campus for Christmas and whose family was visiting.
News of increased Strigoi attacks had been circulating, so I was unsurprised to see a lot of Moroi and even some royal Moroi families had chosen to Christmas at St Vladimir's this year. As a warded Guardian stronghold, it was probably the safest place to be outside of court, particularly for those families who didn't have their own Guardians. The sheer number of those visiting was no doubt putting a massive strain on the Academy's Dhampir housekeeping and catering staff – but even at Christmas 'they come first' I thought, not without a little bitterness.
I looked around curiously at the very mixed company. For once the Novices almost outnumbered the Moroi students. Most of the Dhampir girls didn't have the budget to afford a new dress for every dance, let alone the opportunity to purchase one, so a lot of swapping went on amongst the female Novices before events such as these. Looking around I could see a Junior girl Anne looking quite pretty in a navy blue dress that Lissa had bought me when we were on the run, and Chelsea had sailed past five minutes ago on Jacob Morgan's arm looking an absolute vision in the dress Dimitri had stripped off me after the Equinox dance. Oh to have him here to do the same with tonight's dress, I mentally sighed. While I wasn't super close with any of the other girl Novices, I got along with them well enough, and it was selfish to have a rack of pretty dresses, thanks to Lissa, and not share them around a bit I thought!
Eddie came over and cut in on Mason, taking me around the dance floor a few times. I liked dancing with Eddie. He was a better dancer than Mason, and he was taller. I closed my eyes for just a second, letting myself pretend that it was Dimitri I was dancing with.
"What are you smiling about, Hathaway?" Eddie asked, looking at my soft smile.
"Just thinking of ways to mess with Stan," I replied opening my eyes, hoping whatever my face had said, my words would support it.
"Ha!" Eddie laughed. "That's why you suddenly looked all dreamy and happy!"
"What can I say – I love to think of ways to make him squirm. Come on – time for you to ask Chelsea for a dance," I said, steering us across to where she stood. Handing him over, I wandered to a quiet corner where I could people watch without being noticed. So while I wasn't in Guardian uniform, I might as well have been. Lissa and Christian looked like a dream on the dance floor – her pale blonde hair and white dress contrasted starkly with his dark hair and tux. They were the quintessential young Royal Moroi couple in love, despite his checkered family history.
Tasha was standing with a group of visiting Royal Moroi parents, deep in conversation. From the scandalized expression on several faces, I suspect she was expounding her beliefs about Moroi self-defense. While I admired her tenacity, I think she might have misjudged the occasion and her audience.
I surreptitiously checked the time. 9.30 am. Still hours before the ball would wrap up. But I was bored, my feet hurt and I was bone weary. All thoughts of getting wasted at an after party were gone, replaced by fantasies of a soft warm bed. I was turning to make my escape when Mason spotted me.
"Where are you off to? None of the after parties will have started yet," he said disapprovingly. From his tone of voice, it was obvious he thought I was sneaking off for an illicit tryst.
"I'm going to my room and to bed," I admitted. "Alone!" I clarified when I saw his look. "I'm tired, still a bit hungry, and my new shoes are pinching."
"What's up with you, Rose?" he asked softly. "You haven't been yourself for weeks…"
"Just a lot going on, duckie," I muttered, blinking back tears but not before he saw them.
"Come on then, let's get you out of here," he said gallantly.
We were exiting the hall when Celeste appeared. "Going somewhere?" she asked with a hint of a smile. Part of her job was to prevent couples slipping away to find places to fornicate.
"I'm feeling tired and out of sorts," I explained. "Mase was just going to walk me back to my dorm."
Celeste looked at me carefully, seeing the veracity of my words. "Then do so and return quickly, Novice Ashford. Don't make me have to send a search party out for you!"
I smiled at Celeste, and she gave me a curt nod. She knew celebrating at a dance was the last thing I wanted to do what with everything going on with Dimitri, and that I also had no intention of locking lips with Mason or anyone else.
I woke to a silence I immediately recognized. It had obviously been snowing overnight, as all I could hear was the deafening quiet of thick freshly fallen snow. Looking at the clock, I saw it had just gone 7 pm, so still relatively early on Christmas 'morning.' Well, morning Moroi time. I raced across the frigid hallway to the even colder dorm bathroom – completing my business as quickly as possible before climbing back into the warmth of my bed.
I fired up my laptop – hoping against hope there'd be word from my Russian God, but Santa hadn't come through. Instead, there was an e-mail from my mother:
Dear Rosemarie,
Happy Christmas. I have transferred $100 to Alberta
to give you so you can buy yourself whatever you need.
Love your mother Janine
Hmm. Positively fond and loving as far as e-mails from my mother went. Not that that said much. But at least she'd made an effort. Thinking about what Dimitri had said about trying to reach out, I thought I should do likewise. So I quickly fired back:
Hi Mom,
Thanks for the Christmas wishes and present. Both appreciated.
I hope you have a good day wherever you are. I have a quiet one
planned here with Lissa, her boyfriend Christian and his Aunt Tasha.
Love Rose
Well, that was the family e-mails taken care of until my birthday in March, I guess. Checking the world time clock, I saw it would be 8.30 on Monday morning in Baia. I'd better ring to tell them Tasha was likely to call today. It had only been a few days since I'd spoken with Dimitri's family, but it felt kind of nice to have someone to call on Christmas, even if it was only to warn them.
I dialed, hearing the same ring tone as last time. When it picked up I heard a recorded female voice say "Нас нет дома, пожалуйста оставьте сообщение на автоответчике, мы вам перезвоним." Karolina's voice, if I had to guess.
There was a beep, and I said, "Hi it's Rose. No news just wanted to let you know that Tasha is planning to call you to speak to Dimitri as it's Christmas here today. Hope everyone's well. I'll call again soon." I was a little disappointed they hadn't picked up, but maybe they were out. So with nothing to do for an hour I emailed Dimitri again. I'd sent him a long email yesterday – but I wanted to wish him Merry Christmas.
Hello darling,
I know I usually call you Dimitri or Comrade, but it's Christmas, and somehow darling just seems right today. Santa didn't deliver, because I didn't wake up to find you in my bed. But I did dream of you last night, so that's something I guess?
The ball last night was boring. I only stayed a couple of hours. I didn't eat before I went so I was hungry, and the music sucked. It was even worse than your 80s hits which I will admit are kind of growing on me. I found myself singing to that one about the radio star the other day.
Tasha is planning to ring Baia today to speak to you and find out when you're due back, so I rang your family to warn them. They had the answering machine on so perhaps they expected her call?
I miss you and wonder what you're doing. It's been snowing here. I think the heating in the Novice dorms is broken again, but it's warm enough in my bed. I wish you were here too, though. You don't feel the cold the same way I do, and nothing is warmer than being curled up next to you.
I'm spending Christmas morning breakfasting and exchanging presents with Lissa, Christian, and Tasha at her cabin. Then we'll go to Church and then it's Christmas dinner in the main hall. I wonder what we'd have done were you here? It's our first Christmas, yet we're not together. I miss you, Comrade. I hope wherever you are this finds you safe and well and maybe thinking of your Roza.
I'll be thinking of you all day, just like I do every day,
Love from the girl who misses you more than she knew was possible!
I got out of bed and slipped on some jeans, a sweater, a jacket, scarf, beanie, gloves and quickly gathered my gifts into a bag. It was so cold in the dorms, I honestly thought outside might be warmer! We were due to meet at Tasha's at 8 pm so I headed to Lissa's dorm to walk across with her. I knocked on the door and heard whispers from inside. I guess Christian stayed over last night. At least I was so tired their 'activities' hadn't kept me up I thought, ignoring the intense surge of jealousy that surged through me. I'd have given anything to be able to wake up beside Dimitri today. Even just to hear his voice. Instead, I'd get to listen to Tasha make thinly veiled assertions about their 'special connection' and watch Lissa and Christian celebrate their first Christmas together.
Blinking back tears, I smiled at their sheepish expressions when they opened the door.
"Come to walk across to Tasha's with us, Christian?" I asked innocently. He could have said yes had he not been wearing his tux trousers and evening shirt from the night before.
"I'll just go change and see you there in ten," he said, giving Lissa a quick kiss.
"Where did you disappear to last night?" Lissa asked as soon as we were alone. "I saw you and Mason disappearing very early…" She was fishing for info, but she couldn't be further from the truth.
"I wasn't feeling well, so Mason walked me back to my room."
"And then he stayed a while and made you feel better?" she teased.
"No. You know I don't feel that way about him."
She sighed. "I know. I just wish you'd find someone. You looked so gorgeous last night and I only saw you dance once!"
"I'm sorry Liss. I really wasn't in the mood. I should have stuck to my guns and given it a miss.
We'd arrived at Tasha's cabin, and Lissa knocked.
"Come on in!" Tasha beamed opening the door. I had to hand it to her - inside looked amazing. The table was filled with delicious treats; there was a real Christmas tree with a decent pile of presents underneath. She even had modern versions of Christmas carols playing! I was absolutely starving, so grabbed some food from the table and then sat on the floor unpacking my bag and adding my three gifts to the pile. They weren't much, but hey – it's the thought that counts, right? I was glad I'd let the stores gift wrap mine because the ones beneath Tasha's tree were all gorgeous!
We'd not long settled in when Christian arrived, hair damp from what must have been the fastest shower of all time. He was also carrying a bag filled with gifts. By the time he'd added his, and Lissa hers, the pile was gigantic! Tasha popped a bottle of champagne and poured us each a glass, and after a toast, we all sat down to start the present opening.
"I'll hand them out!" I volunteered with excitement. It was my favorite part of Christmas Day. I liked to hold the presents up and see if people could guess who they were for and from. I sat beside the tree and grabbed the first present. It was from Lissa to Tasha, but it was a much larger package than the earrings I knew she'd bought. My eyes flicked curiously to Lissa. A gentle probe of her mind revealed she'd done some extra online ordering with guaranteed two-day delivery, so there were a good dozen extra gifts from her.
"I wonder who this is for!" I exclaimed, looking to where Tasha sat on one sofa, Christian, and Lissa on the other. "It's from Lissa!"
Tasha and Christian grinned and looked at one another expectantly before I leaned over and passed it to Tasha. It was a really nice leather gym bag. Tasha looked delighted.
"That's gorgeous!" I complemented Lissa. For someone who knew nothing about workouts, she had managed to get it so right!
The next one was also for Tasha, this time from Christian. Perfume. It seems he'd taken Lissa at her suggestion. Both his ladies looked happy, so he'd done well. Christian was up next with one from Tasha – a toiletries kit complete with an old-school bristle shaving brush. There were little jars with silver lids and it was all contained within a monogrammed rigid leather case. It was superb! Not wanting Lissa to feel left out, I made sure I chose one for her next. Also from Tasha, it was a monogrammed brush, mirror and comb set. Silver backed, it had been engraved with a 'V'.
"I love it!" Lissa exclaimed, jumping up from the sofa to hug Tasha.
That was a hard act to follow, so I waited until we were about three-quarters of the way through to offer my gift for Tasha.
"This one's from me," I said with a smile handing it across.
She looked embarrassed.
"Rose! I'm so sorry! I didn't expect you to be joining us for Christmas, so I didn't get you anything."
"No biggie," I said lightly. "This is just a little something I saw I thought you might like."
"It's gorgeous," she said with a genuine smile when she unwrapped the silk scarf. "Thank you so much!"
"You're welcome," I replied, glad I'd chosen something she liked. "Christian said you had the same colorings as him, so I thought it would look good."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Christian whispering frantically with Lissa. And when I looked at the pile of remaining presents, I knew why. A quick check of the bond confirmed it. In his nervousness to get Lissa and Tasha the 'right' gifts, Christian had forgotten to buy me something. Lissa realized at the same time I did - in this mountain of presents, there was not a single one for me.
I was actually ok with it. I wasn't a 'stuff' person. Lissa had bought me the dress and shoes I'd worn last night as my gift, and I was happy with that. But Christian would be embarrassed when I gave him my present, and he had nothing to reciprocate. So I chose my present to him next, catching Lissa's eye and giving her a reassuring look before I started.
"Christian? This one is from me to you. It's not much, but I thought you might get a laugh. Also, I wanted to say a huge thanks for paying for my shoes for last night. I didn't have anything suitable, so I really appreciate it! It really helped make the night extra special."
Christian looked a little confused, but Lissa shot me a thankful smile, explaining she'd bought my shoes on his behalf. Awkward moment avoided. Christian seemed to like his pajamas, so I was pleased I'd got that right. After that, I handed out the rest of the presents. Christian had bought several pieces of jewelry for Lissa and Tasha. Tasha loved her earrings from Lissa, and I handed Lissa my present last.
"This should come in handy for your new bling," I said softly, hugging. "It's not much, but I hope you like it."