After the presents had been unwrapped, the conversation turned to family reminiscences. Tasha and Christian were telling Lissa all about their Christmases when he was growing up, and he even talked a little about his parents. It was nice to hear Christian talk lovingly about them before they'd turned. Yes, they became soulless monsters, but before that, they were his parents, and he'd loved them. While everyone was inclusive in their conversation, I started to feel very much the ring-in, so I waited for a lull in the conversation and excused myself, saying I had other gifts I needed to distribute. Lissa hugged me as I stood to leave.

"Merry Christmas, Rose," she whispered quietly. "We'll do our snow angels later."

A tradition since before her parents died, every year we'd lie on our backs and make 'angels' in the snow. It was our Christmas tradition.

"Sure thing," I smiled, taking my leave and wandering across the campus. I hadn't lied – I did have presents to give to Celeste and Alberta, but I wasn't sure where they'd be on Christmas morning, so I'd probably give them theirs at dinner. Church started in an hour, but I really didn't feel like going. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with myself.

It was quiet on campus. Everyone was either sleeping in or celebrating Christmas with their loved ones. Walking past the gym, on a whim, I went in. The lights were out, but it was light enough inside thanks to the large windows near the roof and a bright moon. I walked over to the bench where Dimitri would sit waiting for me and sat down. Before I knew it, I was crying. I missed Dimitri so much. All I wanted was to be near him, but the closest I could come is sitting in the same place he so often used to.

As I sat in the half dark, my fingers caressed the varnished timber of the bench, remembering his voice as he'd tell me off for being late. I looked over to the spot where we'd kissed just before Alberta came to tell him about his reallocation. Then the place where we'd sat, me cradled in his lap, as he told me his sad news. These walls had born witness to so much of our curtailed love story. I lay sideways on the bench, closing my eyes and trying to imagine how today could have been if Dimitri had been here. We wouldn't have been open about things; I knew that. But I'm sure he would have found some way to let me know he cared.

I woke hours later to an incessant beeping. Opening bleary eyes I nearly toppled from the bench. It took me a moment to figure out where I was and why I was so cold. The beeping was from my phone.

"Hello?" I groaned into it.

"Rose! Where are you?! It's 4 am and Christmas dinner started half an hour ago! Everyone's worried."

"Sorry, Celeste. I fell asleep."

"Where are you? I checked your room, and everywhere else I could think of."

"I'm in the gym. I'll be right there."

I looked at my jeans and jacket. No doubt the Moroi will have dressed up for dinner, but I just didn't have time to go and change, besides which I was starving. Smoothing the worst of the rumples, I walked across to the hall where Christmas dinner was being served. There were five long tables with Moroi families seated enjoying their meals. I spotted Lissa, Christian, and Tasha in the middle of one table sitting with some Lazars. Far from looking worried, I don't think they'd noticed my absence at all. There wasn't a spare seat, so I wandered over to the table on the left where the bulk of Guardians and Novices were sitting. I waved to Mason and Eddie down the other end before taking the vacant seat between Celeste and Alberta.

"We were wondering where you were," Alberta said, looking at me carefully.

"Sorry. I fell asleep. You should have known I'd show up for food," I said with a laugh.

"What were you doing in the gym?" Celeste asked softly.

I shrugged then whispered, "I just wanted to feel close to him, you know?"

Before I knew it, I was crying again, holding my napkin to my face while I tried to get my emotions under control. Thankfully one of the Guardians was telling a raucous story, so no one noticed. By the time he'd reached his punchline, I'd managed to stop my tears, so quickly served myself a huge plate of food.

The kitchens had gone all out. There was plenty of everything. I started with some delicious pork roast with applesauce and beans before moving on to roast pumpkin and sweet potato. I took a mouthful of the creamy scalloped potatoes but screwed up my nose, swallowing it quickly and pushing the rest to the side of my plate.

Alberta was speaking with Stan on her other side, but Celeste noticed.

"Potatoes no good?"

"Nah. They taste weird. Kind of metallic."

Celeste looked confused and then shrugged. "Kitchen must have stuffed up. Easy to do when having to cook so much," she said thoughtfully, looking down at her own plate and its partially eaten serve of scalloped potatoes.

Twenty minutes later, all the Guardians at the table bar Alberta stood up and cleared their settings. The serving staff brought out more platters of food, and fresh flatware, and the Guardians who'd eaten replaced those standing around the hall so that the second batch of Guardians could have their Christmas meal.

Eddie and Mason took the opportunity to change seats, coming down to sit with me.

"Good Christmas, guys?" I asked.

"Yep. I've got a few days off, and there's lots of food. I can't object!" Eddie said with a grin. Like me, Eddie was a bottomless pit.

"I'm sitting next to the prettiest girl in the room… I'm good," Mason said with a gallant bow.

We spent the next couple of hours demolishing an obscene amount of food. After the second round of Guardians had eaten dinner, there was another swap and Celeste, and the others returned for dessert. I was actually feeling a little queasy by the end of dessert from far too much to eat, so I used the final change over as an excuse to leave the table. Celeste had to guard while the other Guardians had their dessert, but she said she had a little present for me and asked if I'd be in my room a bit later.

I confirmed I had no plans other than dropping off Alberta's present and then lying on my bed moaning about eating too much! Eddie and Mason walked back to the dorms with me. They headed to Eddie's room, and I collected Alberta's present from mine. I went to her office, but she wasn't there, so I left it on her desk. It was labeled, so she'd know it was from me.

Back in my dorm room I plugged my phone in and flipped through the playlists. I wasn't sure what I wanted to listen to, so in the end, I put it on random. Eddie and Mason had invited me to join them, but I wasn't in the mood. It was Christmas, my love was God knows where, and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and forget about everything.

But I found myself eyes open lying on my side looking at the photo of Dimitri and I. The selfie he'd taken after he'd first taken me. I studied it carefully, taking in the minute details. His hairline. The tiny scar above one eyebrow. His full lips that I knew, from experience, delivered on their promise to be soft and gentle – at least when he wanted them to be!

Then I looked at myself. The blissful look on my face. I looked so happy, and I had been. We both had been. I had to focus on that. I was still lying there looking at my Russian God a little later when there was a knock at the door. Celeste.

"Wow! You've done some decorating since I was here last…" she commented, looking at my wall of Dimitri.

"No one else ever comes here," I explained. "I find it easier to sleep if I'm looking at him."

"Are they his clothes, too?" she asked, gesturing to the pile of laundered men's clothes.

"Well, they're definitely not Stan's," I joked feebly, a little embarrassed.

"Thank God. Stan's underwear I could live without seeing! So… Rose? It's been what eighteen days since Dimitri left?"

"Twenty," I automatically corrected.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like there's a hole in my chest you could drive a freight train through…"

"What about physically?"

"What do you mean?"

"You seem very tired."

"Yeah, I am. I'm exhausted, and then I can't sleep and then I'm so tired the next day I'm just about falling asleep in class…"

"Feeling spewy?"

"A bit…"

"Sense of smell gone up tenfold?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Crying at the drop of a hat?"

"Yeah – but my boyfriend has been sent on a suicide mission," I defended, starting to get angry now.

"Vivid dreams?"

"Yes… Why?"

"And you said food is tasting metallic?"

"Not all food – just the scalloped potatoes…" I said crossly.

"Are your breasts particularly sore?"

"Yes…" I said, looking at her in confusion. "They've been aching for a week. My lower back, too."

"Have you had a period recently?"

"Um… Not since Dimitri left…?"

Celeste nodded, not looking surprised. "Rose? I want you to go to the bathroom and take these. I can come with you if you want?"

She handed me a brown paper bag. I'd kind of guessed where she was headed, so I wasn't surprised to see three pregnancy tests inside.

"Celeste? I can't be. I've only ever had sex with Dimitri…"

"Then let's rule it out. It's just you have a lot of the early symptoms."

"Oh God – how did you get these?" I gasped. Pregnancy tests weren't exactly in the standard issue Dhampir toiletries kit.

"I asked Dr. Olendzki."

"Shit! What did she say!?"

"Not a thing. I said they're for a friend, but she thinks they're for me," Celeste smirked. "Come on, let's get this over with," she said standing from my bed and gesturing for me to do likewise. She followed me across the hall to the Novice bathroom.

"Do you want me to stay?" she asked gently.

"Yes," I whispered. I was petrified. I was trying to remember when I'd last had my period and I couldn't. It had been quite some time. At least a week or so before my weekend away with Dimitri.

Celeste used her Guardian key to lock the door to the bathroom.

"Don't want to be interrupted during this," she muttered. Then she stood to one side as I washed my hands and took the bag with the tests into a cubicle.

"Just do one at first and then the others if you need to," Celeste suggested. It was a good idea. Obediently I fished out the first test, read the instructions and peed on the end. I was careful not to empty my bladder in case I needed to do a second test. I carefully replaced the cap and exited the cubicle.

"The morning urine is most concentrated, so if this is negative then we can try in a few more days with your first pee after waking up if you don't get your period," Celeste suggested quietly, timing the test on her watch and carefully not making eye contact with me. "How does this one work?"

"A control line which comes up first to show the test is working," I explained, "followed by a second line if it's positive. It takes three minutes."

We stood side by side until Celeste said, "It's been three minutes, Rose."

I turned the test over and looked. And looked again. And then again. There was a clear pink control line. And just a little bit further along a second line.

"Nooo…" I said, my eyes wide. "That's not possible!"

"Keep calm," Celeste said, but I could tell she wasn't surprised. "Take the other two tests."

I didn't need to be told twice. I was back in that cubicle and peeing on the remaining two tests within moments. One was electronic, so that was easy, and the other one was similar to the first put would show a little plus sign if it was positive.

I exited the cubicle a second time, placing the second and third tests beside the first. The electronic one beeped. The LED panel clearly read 'Pregnant.' So it was no great shock when the third had a little plus showing in the indicator panel.

I looked at Celeste.

"How is this possible? I mean it – I really have only ever been with Dimitri. That weekend… it was my first time…" And as farfetched as it seemed, I think Celeste believed me.

"I don't know, Rose. Let's clean all this up. You don't want to leave any of this lying around," she murmured, helping me dump all the test packaging into the empty bag. "Keep the tests – you'll need to show Dr. Olendzki."

"Show her?"

"Oh Rose," Celeste said sympathetically. "No matter what you decide to do, you're going to have to talk with the doctor."

"I guess so," I said faintly. I hadn't got that far yet. I was so shocked. Celeste had to use her Guardian key to open the door to my room as I was standing there just looking at it.

"Rose? I know this is a big surprise. Would you like me to call Alberta? She'll need to know. Or Lissa?"

"NO!" I squealed. "Not today! Not yet! I don't want anyone to know yet."

"Ok, that's fine," she placated. "I promise you I won't say a word. But in the meantime, if you're planning to proceed with the pregnancy then there's vitamins you need to take, and things you need to know. You should start taking them as soon as possible – did you want me to get some for you?"

"Yes," I whispered. "Please?"

"No problem. We'll skip training tomorrow morning, and I'll borrow an Academy car and go get them."

"Celeste?" I asked, my voice quivering. "How did this happen? I really haven't been with anyone but Dimitri. And we're both Dhampir…?"

"I don't know, but I doubt three tests are wrong. Maybe ask Dr. Olendzki when you see her?"

I curled up on my bed, bringing my knees up, so there was space for Celeste to sit on the end. I reached out and touched the photo of Dimitri and I.

"You're going to be a Daddy, Comrade. Tasha said you've always hoped to be a father and somehow it's coming true. You need to come back, because it's not just me, now. There's two of us waiting for you."

And then I curled up tight and cried. Celeste rubbed my leg for a while before coming around and lying behind me, spooning me. It wasn't weird or sexual – it was one friend consoling another, and it helped. She didn't say anything, and neither did I. But eventually, I cried myself out and sleep took me again.

It was 4 pm. Early, vampire time. I'd woken to find myself alone, but there was a note from Celeste.

Those things are in your top drawer. I have taken the packaging and will dispose of it. Am going off campus this morning to get a few things and will see you when I get back. Promise I won't tell anyone, Celeste.

I was completely unfeeling. I kept expecting to wake up and find this was all a dream. But I knew it wasn't. Thinking back, I think very deep down I'd suspected it before Celeste had suggested I test. I was seventeen. My boyfriend was gone and almost certainly never coming back. I had a grand total of $170 to my name. And I was pregnant. I opened my laptop. If anything deserved an e-mail to my Russian God, it was this. Unsurprisingly, there was nothing new in my inbox, so I opened a new window.

Dear Comrade,
I want to start by telling you I love you. Because once you see what I'm about to write, I doubt you'll read any further. So I love you. And I'm always going to love you. Even if you believe nothing else, know I adore you. With everything I am.

And it turns out everything I am is a little more than I thought. Last night Celeste made me do a pregnancy test (well three of them actually), and I'm expecting. I'd say 'we,' but if I find it hard to believe that you and I made a baby together, I can't expect you to just accept my word for it.

But believe it or not, that's what's happened. I'm not sure how, but you were my first and have remained my only. So I know the baby is ours, even if no one else believes me. Even you.

I'm freaking out, Comrade. For all my talk of 'when Dimitri comes home' I understand the chances of that happening aren't great. And even if you do, what's the likelihood of you believing that somehow the impossible happened for us?

Celeste said there're vitamins I need to be taking and things I need to know, so she's taking a Guardian car out this morning to get me what I need. I'm so grateful she's here because there's honestly no one else I can talk to, other than you.

I don't know what to do. I just looked up online, and if I use 12/4 as the date our miracle happened, then I'm due the end of August. Maybe I can make it through to the end of May without people knowing so I can graduate? Not that I'll be able to guard with a newborn, but maybe I can take a few months off and then start work as soon as the baby is old enough to go to daycare? Do they even have daycare for babies?!

I wish you were here. You're always so calm and in control, and I could use some of that right now. And I miss you, even more so now.

I love you, Comrade. And even though I'm terrified, I already love our little Christmas surprise, too. In some stupid way, it helps to know that I have a tiny piece of you with me. Something from us.

All my love,
Your Roza