Prentiss
We had spent all day at the park. The petting zoo was large and the kids loved it. The ones who weren't parents sat at a table not far from the cages and Ainsley pulled both Morgan and I with her. Hotch watched over Jack from the table and Henry had pulled both Will and JJ with him. She had clung to Morgan all day and I felt my eyes fill with tears several times when I saw him playing with her or placing kisses to her cheeks or forehead or when they both had wide smiles. I had wanted them to meet and know each other for four years and it was happening only now because of me. I was never going to make the same mistake with the one growing inside me now.
I was sitting in Rossi's living room with everyone again but Reid and Sarah were nowhere to be found. I was about to get up and find them before I heard two sets of footsteps walking downstairs. They were both dressed up as they walked through silently towards the door.
"Hey, stop." I said before the left the room. Sarah stopped and turned around slowly. Reid turned casually, "Where are you going?" I fought the smile growing on my lips.
"…Out." She replied vaguely. I smirked. "Shut up." She said to me as Reid walked out.
"I didn't say anything." I shook my head with a huge grin.
"But you're thinking it."
"…Do you want some money for a hotel room?"
Her eyes widened, "You can't afford to eat, let alone a hotel room." She said before running out. My eyes widened. That was the worst thing she'd ever done.
The whole team looked at me. "Is that true?" JJ asked.
"No." I shook my head.
"Mummy gets sick sometimes because she doesn't eat a lot." Ainsley said.
"No I don't." I said quietly as I lifted her up to take her upstairs.
"I just realised how alike you look. She's like the spitting image of you, except she's no way near as pale and she has Morgan's eyes." Garcia said.
I nodded and looked at Ainsley, "Say goodnight."
"Goodnight." She said to them all. Morgan stood up and walked upstairs with us. Rossi had insisted that we stay another night here. The team had been talking about how they were afraid that I'd run back to London again earlier. I wasn't supposed to hear them but that's why I didn't argue with Rossi again about tonight. I got Ainsley to get changed into her pyjamas and then I put her to bed. Morgan kissed her forehead and walked out of the room. I kissed her cheek and brushed her hair behind her ear before walking out and turning the light out as I closed the door over, leaving it open ajar. I turned and saw Morgan standing near the railing, waiting for me.
"You're having financial problems?" He asked.
"No, I'm not." I shook my head as I walked back downstairs. I figured he'd drop the subject for now if we were with everyone else but I was wrong.
"Emily, come on." He said as I sat back down.
"No." I tried to sound sincere.
"How much do you need?" He asked me.
I raised my eyebrows, "I don't need anything, Morgan."
"How much is in your bank account?"
"That's confidential."
"How much?" He pushed.
"Plenty."
"Emily—"
"I don't want your money, Morgan! I have more than enough to pay Sarah and more than enough to support Ainsley."
"And the other one?"
"That doesn't matter yet; it isn't born."
"You need to feed yourself to support it right now. Can you afford doctor appointments and—"
"Stop!" I cut him off, "This is my life and you walked out of it four years ago."
"You left, not me."
"Yeah, well you didn't exactly ask me to stay." I walked out of the living room and into the kitchen. I poured some scotch into a glass and drank it back. I poured another and JJ walked in as I drank it.
"Stop!" She ran forwards and took the glass and bottle of scotch, "What the hell are you doing!?" She put the scotch back in the cupboard and rinsed the glass out as I sat down. "Are you trying to kill your baby?"
"It won't kill it." I said in a tired voice.
"I'm pretty sure it will. Sarah told me that you had an increased risk of stillbirth and miscarriage and this will not help."
"I'm too far along to miscarry."
"Stillbirth." She reminded, "Does Morgan know?"
"No, because it isn't important."
"Emily, issues with the previous pregnancy and this one isn't great. That puts you at huge risks and with your age…"
"My age has nothing to do with it, JJ." I rolled my eyes.
"Why won't you let us help you?"
"I don't need help." I shook my head.
"You have no job, no boyfriend to rely on for anything, you have to use the little money you have to pay Sarah and care for Ainsley. I'm betting that Morgan's right and you can't afford to go to the doctor or do anything that could potentially risk injury that would cost you even more."
"…I never relied on Mark; he relied on me." I said quietly.
"And he took your money for alcohol and drugs and gambling. Garcia looking into it…" She gave me an apologetic smile, "Sell your house and everything in London, move back here. Come back to the BAU but stay out of the field until at least after you give birth. Be a media liaison; you don't need to do much involving danger then."
"JJ." I shook my head.
"Why can't you? You need a job, we love you, you're a great agent and we need one to fill the spot."
"You need an agent who can do what the job requires. I can't be in the field and I'm not a great profiler anymore; my whole career is dead."
"No, you're still a magnificent profiler. All you have to do is travel with us and work from the stations. No field work, no danger, no guns, nothing like that."
I shook my head, "I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I can't!"
"Emily, please," She said calmly, "Just tell me what is going on."
"I'll get a job at a bar or something but I can't work in your team again."
"Our team. No matter where you go, you're still one of us. I just need one legitimate, not ridiculous answer to why you're so against this."
I sighed and looked away. Do I tell her or do I keep it to myself? It wouldn't make a different to the situation either way. I checked behind me before I spoke, "JJ, I can't be that close to Morgan again." I kept my voice low.
"What?"
"There's just something about the father of your children…it changes the way you feel about things."
"…Are you in love with him?" She asked quietly.
I closed my eyes and looked down, "I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know what love feels like when it's someone who doesn't love you back. Ian loved me and that's how I knew that I loved him. I'm lost to what I feel here."
"I think you love him," She said quietly, "but I also think that you can't just let that rule your life. You won't get paid near as much at a bar than you would with us. You'd be in more danger at a bar, honestly. Please, Emily. We all have a feeling that you're going to leave soon and we can't lose you again. We thought we'd survive and be able to move on and live knowing that you were okay and occasionally talking to you on the phone or visiting but we were wrong. It's so damn hard without you here. I almost left the BAU, Em," Tears were in her eyes, "I thought I could do it but then my best friend left and she didn't call often, she didn't come back to even visit me for more than a day and I was miserable. I had to see a therapist because the stress that I caused myself because of it and I almost left my family and my life."
"Your family?"
"The team, and Will and I almost split…twice. And the team seems like usual and as close as we used to be now but we're not. We hardly see each other outside of work and when we are working, we all go individually now. We just can't deal with each other because we're all silently thinking about that one agent that's gone and we all know that our family isn't whole anymore. The whole team is drifting apart and it's killing all of us.
"Let us help you, stay with me or Rossi or Morgan or someone, come back to the BAU, work with us again. You know you miss it."
"I do miss it, but I don't know if I can handle being around him so often."
"There are always a few things you don't want to do but you have to, to achieve what you need in life. Just see this as a small challenge that you'll either overcome or you'll go through with. Maybe you'll both fall in love with each other and have more little babies."
"I don't want more kids," I shook my head, "I didn't even want one until she was born. I obviously wouldn't change her or how things turned out for the world; I just wish I could go back three months and not do what I did."
"Then you might not be here. Ainsley might never have known her father or her "protectors", you might still be with Mark as he abuses you and takes everything from you, you might—"
"He wasn't always abusive. When he was sober and in a good mood, he was the sweetest guy," I shook my head, "He was everything a girl ever wants in a boyfriend, a soul mate. Unfortunately, he wasn't the same when he was drunk or high or in a bad mood," I looked down in thought, remembering all those times he had showered Ainsley, Sarah and I with gifts because he won big the night before and blew his winnings on us. I smiled to myself, "He was amazing sometimes."
"When you think about someone who you'd love, who would not only be amazing to you and Ainsley sometimes, but all the time, who do you see?"
My lips parted slightly as I took a breath. I saw Morgan, but I was not going to say that. "No one."
She nodded, "It's Morgan. It's always been Morgan. From day one, he was always talking about you and how amazing you were as a person and a profiler nonstop. You never realised just how often you'd talk about him on our girls' nights when I would talk about Will and Garcia would talk about whichever one she was with at the time. You always told us a hilarious story about Morgan, every time. I kind of miss being in the field and seeing the two of you exchange those glances that only the two of you would show to each other. I always used to think it was just a special bond thing in your friendship, partnership, but no, it was just that the both of you were in love and never realised it."
"JJ, do not a single word about this to anyone, ever." I said to her, looking up to her eyes. She nodded to confirm and she poured me a glass or water. I drank it slowly and Hotch walked in not long afterwards.
"Prentiss?" He asked me. I sighed and looked over my shoulder, waiting for him to continue, "The team is going to throw some money together for you. We want you to sell whatever property you have in London and we want you to move back here. Come back to the BAU and work with us."
I looked at JJ and she nodded. I looked back at his hopeful eyes, "…I'll think about it." I said quietly.
JJ groaned, "Come on; did that conversation not convince you of anything?"
"Enough, JJ," I said before drinking the rest of the water, "I'm going to bed."