I was sitting staring at the wall still a couple of hours later when Celeste knocked. I opened the door wearing one of my Russian God's St Basil's shirts.

"One of Dimitri's?" she asked softly. Not a hard guess, given it had Cyrillic writing and hung almost to my knees.

"I can't remember if it's the wrestling one or the track and field one," I wailed, dissolving into tears. "He did tell me…" Fuck! I didn't even know why I was crying. This was ridiculous!

Closing the door and sitting on my bed, Celeste reached into the large bag she was carrying and fished out a large block of chocolate.

"Let's start with the staple of pregnancy food!" she said with a kind smile. I broke a large hunk off and passed it to her, and we sat together chowing down on chocolate as she went through the rest of her purchases. It looks as though she'd bought half the drug store.

"Prenatal vitamins," she said, showing me the first large plastic bottle. "Take two a morning every morning. I also got you ginger tablets for morning sickness if you get it, these for indigestion if you get that and finally you might end up needing these for constipation," she said with an apologetic smile.

"Right…"

"Also there's a whole heap of things you shouldn't be eating. It's explained in the early chapters of this book," she said, handing me a dog-eared copy of 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.' "There are other books which are good for labor and delivery, but maybe wait until you're a bit further along for those," she advised, "They can be a bit scary at first!"

I was looking at Celeste thankfully when an errant thought crossed my mind. How did she know so much about all of this? I looked at her trying to phrase the question, but my face must have given it away. She looked torn.

"The book is a little old now because it's mine, but I don't need it anymore," she said finally, picking at a thread on my quilt cover and not meeting my eyes.

"You mean…?"

"Yeah. When I was nineteen."

We sat in silence for a little while. I wasn't sure whether she wanted me to ask.

"She's eight, now," Celeste said very quietly. "She lives with my parents, and they're raising her as my sister. She doesn't know, but Stella is mine." I looked up to see a single tear on Celeste's cheek. I reached across and brushed it away. "No one but Alberta knows, so I'm trusting you to keep it to yourself."

"I will," I vowed. "So that's why they visit every Christmas, and you go there every year?"

"I go for her school holidays," she said nodding. "And she's going to be coming here to school when she's eleven."

"Are you looking forward to it?"

"I can't wait," Celeste grinned. "They'll be here tomorrow so you'll get to meet her then."

"Her father…?"

"Is an oxygen thief, who I'd happily stake in his sleep if I knew I could get away with it," Celeste said with a scary look on her face. "I'll tell you about him sometime, but not today."

We each took another piece of chocolate.

"The book is for human pregnancies, but it's all pretty much the same. Dhampirs tend to have fewer complications than humans, but other than that there's no real difference. You'll need to be careful not to overdo your exercise and be very careful when you're sparring. I'll obviously avoid your stomach when we practice, but you're going to need to let Alberta know so she can rearrange your schedule. Have you worked out when you're due?"

"The last week of August," I said.

"You need to see a Dr around ten to twelve weeks," Celeste explained. "Dr. Olendzki might be able to do what's needed – although I'm not sure if they'll have the equipment on campus. You might need to go to Missoula."

"Is it scary?" I asked. "Being pregnant and having a baby?"

"A little," Celeste admitted. "I had Mom to talk with, and that helped a lot. I know there's not a lot of Moms on campus, so you can talk to me about stuff. I'm no expert, but at least I have a little first-hand experience," she said with a self-deprecating smile.

I stopped to think about it. I actually couldn't think of any woman on campus who was a mother. Some of the Dhampir women in the kitchen might be, but none of the Guardians were that I knew of, the same for the female Moroi on campus.

"So you've decided to go ahead with the pregnancy?"

"Yes. I know if Dimitri were here he'd want us to keep it."

Celeste looked conflicted. "You're right; I'm sure he would. But Rose? He's not here, and he's probably not coming back."

"I know," I whispered, my tears starting again. "Which is all the more reason to keep our baby. He'll live on through them. Our love will live on through them."

"That's very romantic, but how are you going to support this baby? Where will you live?! You can't work when you're caring for a new baby, but you need to work so you can support you both." I hated her for it, but Celeste was right. I needed to think about practicalities.

"I don't know," I said, looking at her plaintively. "But I can't kill it."

Celeste shrugged and looked at me with understanding. "I know. Neither could I."

Twelve hours later, 4 am, I got a message from Lissa.

Going ice skating near the cabin with Christian and Tasha. Want to come?

Celeste had left hours ago, and I couldn't sit in my room for the rest of my life, so I texted back.

Sure. Will get some skates and see you there!

The gym had a storage room packed with skates, so I headed down there and grabbed a pair in my size. Skating was another Christmas tradition for Lissa and I. We used to do it every year after Christmas dinner and the next day. I was almost at the gym when it struck me – next Christmas Lissa would be at Lehigh, and I'd be somewhere else with a four-month-old baby.

I was going to have to tell her, but I had no idea how.

By the time I got to the cabin, Lissa and Christian were already on the ice. They looked beautiful together gliding around in the moonlight. So happy. They were holding hands and whizzing across the ice. I wonder whether that's how Dimitri and I would have looked if we'd ever had the chance to skate together? I wasn't a bad skater and growing up where he did, I'm sure Dimitri could skate, too. I sat beside Tasha on a log, swapping my combat boots for skates.

"They look gorgeous, don't they?" Tasha said, correctly interpreting part of the direction of my thoughts.

"Yeah, they do." It was nice to see Lissa so happy.

Coming back to the Academy had been harder on her than I. Sure, I'd borne the brunt of the nasty comments and punishments, but she'd suffered the emotional trauma of being betrayed by the man she considered her uncle. Not to mention, unlike me, she was unused to being thought of poorly or being on the outer with her peers. Christian had brought her out of her shell, and being a royal Moroi himself had been there for her in ways I couldn't.

"She's good for him," Tasha smiled.

"He's good for her, too," I replied, and I meant it.

"I'm glad. With him graduating and going off to college with her, I feel I can let go a bit, you know? Maybe move on with things a bit myself."

I'd never considered how becoming legal guardian to a six-year-old when she was twenty must have affected Tasha. It was a lot of responsibility when she was just starting out herself. Then again, given what I was going to be doing soon, maybe it was best I didn't think about that right now.

"You must be excited about going to Lehigh?" she asked.

"Yeah I guess so," I said, without much enthusiasm. Now I knew it wasn't going to happen, I didn't want to waste mental energy thinking about it. "I just hope I have decent guarding partners," I said absently.

Tasha looked at me carefully. She hadn't mentioned her proposal for Dimitri to me, Christian had. I could tell she was wondering whether I knew.

"I have no idea who they've got slated to guard Christian, but being out of wards I think we'll need a team of at least six to guard the two of them," I continued.

"You have to work very closely with the other Guardians, don't you?" Tasha said, looking at Lissa and Christian as they attempted a few lifts.

"Yeah. That's why I'm hoping they don't allocate idiots."

"I suppose after training to work with Dimitri, it must be hard for anyone else to come up to scratch…" She was talking casually, but the way Tasha was looking at me was anything but.

"Yeah. Although I'm hoping the others will enjoy music written this century!" I joked. "Come on – you skating?"

I stood up now my skates were laced and moved out onto the ice at the edge of the frozen lake. Lissa and Christian had been on the far side but were now approaching where I stood.

"There you are!" Lissa said with a smile. "Where were you at Christmas Dinner? We waited for ages, and you didn't come?"

"Sorry, Liss. I fell asleep, and by the time I woke up you lot were already seated, so I sat with the Guardians. Did you have a good day?"

"Yeah I did," she said with a smile. "It was nice having a family Christmas again," she said shyly.

I brushed her mind with mine, and I could tell she meant it. She'd had her best Christmas since her family had died, and I was grateful to Sparky and Tasha for having made it so wonderful for her. She took my hand and pulled me out beside her and on the ice while Christian tightened his laces and talked with Tasha near the edge.

"Thanks so much for the shoe thing with Christian. He felt awful. He was just so worried about getting the right gifts for Tasha and me he forgot all about it. It's our first Christmas together…" she trailed off.

"No big deal," I said with a smile. "I didn't need anything anyway, so no point him wasting his money."

"We didn't get a chance to do our snow angels," she commented.

"Sorry. I ate so much at Christmas dinner I just went back to my room." And then discovered I'm pregnant, I mentally added.

"Is everything ok, Rose?" Lissa asked suddenly, stopping and turning towards me on the ice. We were on the other side of the lake now, away from Christian and Tasha. "I know I've been spending a lot of time with Tasha, but it doesn't mean I don't still care about you…"

"I'm ok," I said. "Just a lot on my mind. And I'm good with you spending time with Tasha. I know you and Christian are serious, so Tasha is going to be your family. You should spend time getting to know her."

I felt a wave of uncertainty and guilt coming through the bond. I knew Lissa, and there was something she wasn't telling me.

"Come on… spit it out," I ordered looking at her.

"The Lazars have a Chalet just over the border in Canada that they're going to for New Years. They invited Tasha, Christian and me to join them. I'd say no, but Tasha has been so upset about Guardian Belikov… she's been ringing and ringing, and he's not returning her calls. She really likes him and was hoping this might be their chance to be together. Christian thought being away from the Academy might help – and it would be nice for Christian and me to have some private time before we have to knuckle down and study for our finals."

"It sounds great! You should totally go. Is it warded? Will there be enough Guardians?"

"Yes, and yes," Lissa said. "Tasha is hoping Guardian Belikov might join us there. She thinks maybe he doesn't want to do anything so close to his workplace and maybe that's why he's not responding to her calls."

She sounded hopeful. Like a romance between Dimitri and Tasha would be a wonderful thing.

Oh, Lissa. If only you knew.

"Well he's very conscientious," I said, "if he's not calling, I'm sure he has a good reason." I had been psyching up the courage to tell her, but now was definitely not the time. "So how long will you be going for?"

"I think the plan was to leave tomorrow and come back the day before classes start."

A day short of a fortnight. Longer than I was expecting.

"Well, it sounds like a great opportunity. You should go."

"But I'll be leaving you here alone."

"I won't be alone," I said truthfully. "Eddie and Mason are here. I'll probably spend the whole time in the gym training," I lied.

"You really don't mind?" Lissa asked shyly.

"Of course not!" I said, putting on my biggest smile.

"I'm sorry you can't come too, but since I was only kind of invited by extension, I couldn't really ask…"

"Two weeks with stuffy royals looking down their noses at me?! No thanks!"

"I think Brandon might be disappointed you won't be there," Lissa teased. Brandon Lazar was in our year and lived a few doors down from Christian's dorm room. He was actually likable enough, as far as royal Moroi went, despite some of the company he kept. Still, the idea of doing anything with him was grotesque.

"He'll live," I said dryly, causing Lissa to smirk with amusement.

We skated back around to the part of the lake closest to the cabin where Christian and Tasha were mucking around. I pretended not to see Christian's questioning look to Lissa and her almost imperceptible nod in return. Christian skated over and grabbed Lissa's hands, and the two of them skated off together, chattering in excitement about their holiday away. Tasha and I skated leisurely around the lake after them. We talked about nothing in particular, for which I was grateful. I knew she wanted to quiz me about Dimitri, but she must have sensed it wasn't the time.

The sky was just starting to lighten with the fake dawn when we finally decided to call it quits, taking off our skates and heading back to Tasha's cabin. She got the water boiling and was making us all hot chocolates when my phone rang.

"Rose? It's Alberta. I need you and Lissa to come to my office. Guardian Schoenberg is here, and we have something to tell you about Guardian Belikov."

My heart stopped.

"Guardian Schoenberg…?"

"Has been appraised of the situation with Ms. Ozera. It might be easier if she comes with you."

My heart started beating again. Not the worst, then. It must mean he'd been deployed.

"What about Guardian Belikov?" I asked out loud, for the benefit of the assembled company.

Tasha spun around and looked at me, her eyes blazing.

"You're with them now?" Alberta asked immediately catching on.

"Yes, that's right. Ok. Lissa and I will come see you now." I hung up the phone and turned to Lissa. "Alberta wants to see us both. Something about Dimitri?"

"What did she say?" Tasha demanded.

"Just that Guardian Schoenberg wanted to see Lissa and me about Guardian Belikov," I said, trying to look perplexed. "Come on, Liss. Schoenberg is not the sort of guy you keep waiting."

"Tasha is practically Dimitri's girlfriend. She should go too," Christian said loyally, looking at Tasha's ashen face. It didn't take a genius to appreciate any news coming from a Guardian as senior as Schoenberg probably wasn't good.

I shrugged. "Fine, just hurry up."

Wordlessly the four of us walked through the snow and up to the main campus. The sun was just rising and lit our way, but the mood was somber. I led; Tasha, Lissa, and Christian being unfamiliar with the Guardian parts of campus. I knocked at Alberta's door, surprised when Guardian Schoenberg opened it.

"Novice Hathaway," he greeted looking at me kindly. "Princess Dragomir?" he asked, bowing politely to Lissa.

"Yes, that's right," Lissa replied, her manners always impeccable even during a crisis.

"This is Lissa's boyfriend Christian Ozera and his aunt, Tasha Ozera. Tasha is visiting campus and she's an old friend of Guardian Belikov's," I explained.

"Please take a seat," he said gesturing to the sofa and chairs. I sat on a chair, Tasha took the sofa, flanked by Lissa and Christian.

"Princess Dragomir, Novice Hathaway. I know you've both been working with Guardian Belikov with the expectation of being his charge and guarding partner after graduation. I also appreciate you're under the impression he is on leave visiting his family. However, this is not the case. Three weeks ago Guardian Belikov left on a new allocation."

Lissa looked at me in confusion.

"I'm sorry you weren't told the truth, but the nature of Guardian Belikov's mission meant the utmost secrecy was required. Court has been receiving reports of a very large group of Strigoi assembling in Europe. Hundreds. I can't give you precise details, but Guardian Belikov was one of a number of senior Guardians sent to deal with the problem," Guardian Schoenberg explained.

The office was silent, each of us taking in the news in our own way. It was Tasha who broke the silence first.

"When is he expected back?"

Guardian Schoenberg looked to Alberta before replying.

"The mission is expected to be… difficult. It's not known if or when Guardian Belikov will be returning."

Tasha nodded, but I could see she hadn't grasped what he meant.

There was another pause before I heard my own voice say, "It's a suicide mission, isn't it? No one's expecting him to return."

Guardian Schoenberg looked at me with an unfathomable expression.

"That's right, Novice Hathaway. Her Majesty and the Royal Council weren't prepared to risk a larger force, so a smaller group is being sent, but the casualties are expected to be substantial. Her Majesty has made it clear no recovery mission will be considered."

"They're sending him there to die?" Lissa gasped, horrified. "To kill as many Strigoi as he can and if he lives, they'll just abandon him? That's not right!"

"The loss of a few to safeguard the many," I said, tears running down my face. "They come first. No matter what the cost, no matter what the sacrifice. Dimitri knew that – that was the first and last lesson he taught me."

"How can you just sit there and accept this?! This is completely unfair and unjust!" Lissa said looking at me incredulously, eyes blazing.

"YES!" I bellowed, losing my temper big time at Lissa for the first time that I could remember. "It is unfair. And it's unjust. And it's wrong. But this is the reality of my world, Lissa! This is what happens to Guardians!"

We all sat there stunned. Lissa couldn't believe I'd shouted at her like that, and really neither could I! Christian was staring daggers at me, but he could go and get fucked as far as I was concerned.

"Did Dimitri know about the allocation? That he might not be coming back?" Tasha asked, also crying.

"He did Lady Ozera," Alberta said. "He made his preparations before he left."

"Do his family know?" Tasha sobbed, leaning against Christian's shoulder.

"They do," Alberta confirmed. "They understood the importance of secrecy, so agreed to go along with the story he was visiting them. I'm so sorry the truth couldn't be revealed earlier, but secrecy was and still is important. The longer this information can be contained, the better Guardian Belikov's chances are."

Tasha nodded.

"No one must speak of this," she said fervently, looking between Lissa, Christian and I. "You know how I feel about Dimitri. He has to come back! I want you to all promise not to say a word to anyone."

Lissa and Christian nodded, and after a moment so did I.

"When are we likely to hear any news?" Tasha demanded.

"It's hard to say," Guardian Schoenberg replied. "As his most recent commanding officer, Guardian Petrov will be informed."

"If you leave your details before you leave campus, I'll certainly let you know if I hear anything," Alberta said to Tasha, standing to indicate the meeting was over. "I know this is a shock and I'm very sorry," she addressed us all. "Guardian Belikov has been a respected member of the team here, and his departure has already been felt keenly. Rose? Please stay behind? Guardian Schoenberg and I need to discuss details of your molnija ceremony."

I could have kissed Alberta's size six combat boots just then. The last thing I wanted was to listen to Tasha's carry-on about her imaginary relationship with my Russian God. The father of my baby. Guardian Schoenberg showed the three of them out and closed the door before coming to sit down on the chair beside mine.

"Rose? I can share a little more information with you now. The mission Dimitri is on… it's not expected to be a single battle. They've been split into groups to find out as much as they can about the main force and to try and diminish the number of Strigoi outside of the main stronghold. It is expected that eventually there will be a full confrontation, but for now, he is part of a small cell allocated to an area on the outskirts of the city where we know the Strigoi army is based. It could be days, weeks or even months before we hear anything."

"I understand. Thank you, Guardian Schoenberg," I said, as my heart crumbled within my chest.