By some miracle, I was up on time the next morning and not spewy. I got up, threw my workout clothes on, and headed to the gym. Celeste and Stella were already there, Celeste showing her 'sister' around, going through naming the equipment and explaining how it worked. I stood and watched the two of them unobserved for a moment, noticing the way Celeste's eyes never left Stella, even when her back was turned. The apparently instinctive way Celeste's hand reached out to touch her whenever she was next to her.
Turning and spotting me in the doorway, Stella called out in excitement "Hi Rose! Celeste said you're a really good fighter – one of the best there is. But I know she's going to beat you!" She was right. Even if I had to lie down on the mat and faux stake myself, I had no intention of trying to win this match, and Celeste knew it. By unspoken agreement, I knew we'd make this as showy as possible but avoid any moves that actually did any real damage.
"You ok if we play some music?" Celeste asked. Usually, I chose the morning music and she the afternoon, but since she had her phone in her hand, I happily acquiesced. I had a giggle when the first track came on. It was an 80s hit, but I knew it – and not from Dimitri's tunes! 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' by Cyndi Lauper.
We squared up inside the sparring square, Celeste explaining the basic rules to Stella. There were actually several types of sparring we could do. Point sparring, the most official type Guardians used, was overkill in this situation, so we'd be doing simple takedown sparring – where one opponent managed a faux thrust to the heart with an imaginary stake. Not that taking down a Strigoi with a stake was that easy, as I'd discovered.
We started the fight, Celeste immediately going on the offensive. She used quite a few intricate and elaborate moves which I would have countered in seconds, had it been a real spar, and then I took a turn doing likewise. To the uninitiated it would have looked like a real fight – but had an experienced Novice or Guardian been looking they'd have picked it as a show fight. To begin with, no one was wincing in pain!
We sparred through 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' and straight into 'Sisters are Doing It For Themselves.' We were approaching the end of the song when Celeste gave me a look, and I prepared myself to be taken down. She gave me an obvious tell, looking twice at my right knee. Knowing where she planned to 'attack' I made sure I was in the right position to fall painlessly. Seconds later I fell to the mat following her blow. She staked me, and I was 'dead' – Stella shouting and cheering from the sidelines.
"You're awesome!" Stella squealed in celebration to a bashful looking Celeste. "I don't care what Dad says! I want to be a Guardian just like you!" Celeste gave Stella a quick cuddle before suggesting she do three laps of the gym while we timed her.
"Dad's old school about Dhampir women," Celeste explained. "Mom was pregnant with me straight out of school. He never thought I should have trained as a Guardian, and when I fell pregnant with Stella – well it just confirmed things in his mind. He thinks all Dhampir women should devote their time to being mothers."
"That's so backward and sexist! Dhampir women should be free to do whatever they want! It's opinions like that which make me glad to be training to be a Guardian!" I said quietly but with vehemence. Celeste raised an eyebrow and then I remembered. I was not even out of school and already pregnant. I was the archetypal Dhampir woman as far as people like Celeste's father were concerned.
We were packing up, Stella helping excitedly when Celeste pulled me aside apprehensively. "I know you were hoping to have your molnija done without any fuss… but with my family here Stella really wants to see me being inked. Alberta said she was ok with making a bit of a show of it and having my family watch, but I should check with you as they'd do yours at the same time."
"What sort of a show and when?" I asked nervously.
"Tomorrow and just a few Guardians and my family? Alberta might say a few words and maybe a cup of tea and scones afterward?" she said looking apologetic. "Just in the Guardian lounge."
"No Novices or student Moroi?" I wasn't fussed about Guardians or her family attending; I just didn't want everyone on campus knowing.
"No students unless you invite them," she promised. "Would that be ok? I mean, this will be my third ceremony and I know it's your first so I don't want to go against how you want it…"
"Provided there're no uninvited students there, I really don't care," I explained. "I'd rather it wasn't even mentioned to the other students, and for me to just have molnija once school starts."
"Thanks, Rose. Have a think if there's anyone you do want there. Your friends or your Mom?"
I laughed. Ironically this was probably the only event my mother might actually want to attend. A Novice earning molnija was rare enough. Earning three fighting alongside Art Schoenberg was the stuff of legends for Novices. I was glad it was going to be tomorrow. Not enough time for her to get here even had she been able to get the time off. I wondered whether perhaps I should invite Mason and Eddie. They didn't know what had happened, but I should probably tell them before I just rocked up with molnija. I was spared inviting Lissa as she was away. And the only one I really wanted there, Dimitri, couldn't be.
In the end, I told Eddie and Mason over breakfast the following morning. Eddie had asked why I wasn't demolishing everything in sight like I usually did. I casually said, "I'm just a bit nervous. I'm getting molnija today."
"You're getting what?!" Mason hissed. Eddie's head nearly snapped off his neck he spun to face me that quickly.
"Molnija. Three of them. I might not have mentioned, but when I had my Qualifier, Guardian Matthews and I walked into an attack. There were eleven Strigoi, and I killed three," I said softly looking at the table. "I didn't want to make a big deal about it. Anyway, the ceremony is at 10.30 pm if you want to come? In the Guardian lounge."
Mason nodded but looked troubled. "How could you not tell us, Rose? That was a week ago?!"
"I'm sorry. It's all just been a lot to deal with, so I've just been processing through it, you know?"
"I do, but it's a hell of a secret to keep," he said, looking at me carefully. "What else aren't you telling us?"
"Oh Duckie, you have no idea," I murmured, aiming for joviality but falling short.
The ceremony wasn't too bad. There were maybe fifteen Guardians, Michelle, John, and Stella as well as Mason and Eddie. Alberta gave a short speech, giving a basic outline of the series of events. My eyes flicked to Eddie and Mason when she mentioned Guardian Arthur Schoenberg had been the one to administer my Qualifier. Another fact I'd neglected to tell them. Eddie looked impressed, but Mason even more troubled.
Celeste stepped up to be tattooed first, three molnija being added to her existing three. It was done in a matter of moments. And then it was my turn. Sitting in front of Lionel he was very kind.
"I'll put them in a column on the left and leave room for your promise mark. This will sting a little," he warned before counting me in. "I'll start in three, two, one…" It did sting, but not unbearably. Certainly nowhere near as much as the pain of knowing that Dimitri should be here watching me with pride but wasn't.
I was nibbling on a plain scone afterward, having shaken hands with those present. Mason and Eddie were standing to one side talking uncomfortably.
"Rose? What's happening? It's like you're here, but mentally you're miles away. What's wrong? You know you can trust us with anything, right?" Mason looked concerned but determined.
"I know," I whispered, seeing him notice the tears welling up in my eyes. "And when I can I will," I promised.
Neither of them looked particularly satisfied with that as a response, but it was the best they were going to get – at least for now.
Comrade,
I know you've been deployed now and all I can think about is where you might be and what you might be facing. It's hard to function when I know you're probably in danger and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Alberta told Lissa, Christian, Tasha and I about your reallocation after Christmas. Guardian Schoenberg was there, and once the others left, he told me you'd been deployed and a little about what you were doing. I'm worried, Comrade. I'm trying not to, but I just want you home with me and safe.
I got my molnija last week. I wanted it low-key, and it was. I told Eddie and Mason, and they came, but other than that it was just Celeste's family and a few Academy Guardians.
It's been a fortnight since I discovered we're going to be parents. Well, I guess that I am going to be. The shock has now almost worn off. Celeste got me a pregnancy book to read, and I've been learning all about what's going on. It's really interesting and kind of cool, and then I remember this is all happening inside me and I freak out!
I'm seven weeks today, and Junior (that's what I'm calling him or her for now) is the size of a grain of rice. It seems weird that something so tiny has me heaving into the toilet as soon as I wake up every day, but it does. I knocked off a box of crackers from the dorm kitchen, and if I eat a couple and have a glass of water before I get out of bed, it seems to help. I'm still training, and that's going ok. Celeste is careful when we spar although Junior is apparently tucked down behind my pubic bone so is pretty safe. I've been feeling so tired, though. And forgetful.
Classes start back tomorrow, which means Christian, Lissa and Tasha will be back from their ski trip today. When Alberta told us about your reallocation, Tasha was carrying on and crying, and it all got a bit much. I shouted at Lissa when she asked me how I could just accept it. I haven't seen Lissa since as the three of them left for a skiing trip in Canada with the Lazars the next morning. I've checked on Lissa through the bond, and she seems to be having a good time, but she's still pissed at me. I'll apologize when I see her. I can't be angry with her for not being more understanding when she doesn't know the truth.
Speaking of knowing the truth, I've decided to wait until twelve weeks to tell anyone about Junior. The book says up until then the chance of losing it is still pretty high, so there's no point upsetting anyone until I know the pregnancy will most likely progress. There are tests and an ultrasound I have to get done around that time, so if I make it as far as the end of the first trimester, I'll tell Alberta. I'm dreading it, but it's not like I can hide this forever.
I'm trying to keep my spirits up, but it's not been easy. I never thought I'd say I was welcoming classes starting again tomorrow, but I am. Anything to fill the long days and take my mind off how worried I am about you and how much I miss you.
Because I love you, Comrade and I do miss you so much. Every day it hurts, and it isn't getting better. No matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, all I want is you.
All my love, your
Roza
I stared at the screen through tears and pressed send. It was the first email I'd sent him in a while - but honestly, I'd been too upset to do so before. I'd played it down in the e-mail, but the last fortnight had been hell. Without classes to distract me, I'd been alternating between freaking out about Dimitri's deployment and freaking out about being pregnant. Neither of which I was in a position to tell anyone about. Mason and Eddie were doing their best with me, but I could tell they were worried. I was being super moody, and not particularly pleasant to be around. They thought it had something to do with my falling out with Lissa, so I didn't enlighten them otherwise.
Speaking of Lissa, she was back. I could sense her proximity via the bond. I guess that meant Christian and Tasha were back, too. The original plan was for Tasha to stay until classes resumed, so I was hopeful that nothing had changed. With Dimitri's reallocation known, she had no reason to stay on now.
I sighed. It was coming up to dinner time, and I knew Lissa wouldn't be satisfied until I apologized, so I got dressed, covered the bags under my eyes with a little makeup and headed for her room. My quick probe through the bond suggested she was alone, which was probably best. Drawing in my breath, I psyched myself up and knocked.
"Rose!" Lissa said with a slightly forced smile when she opened the door.
"Hey, Liss – how was your ski trip?" I asked as naturally as I could. I could tell Lissa had actually missed me a bit, but her overriding feeling was still that she'd been wronged.
"It was ok. Tasha barely left her room the whole time, so she wasn't much company," she admitted candidly.
I shrugged trying to come up with something to say which wasn't insincere. I settled for "She's no doubt processing…" Lissa appeared slightly mollified by that, so I quickly continued, "Speaking of which I'm sorry for shouting at you the other night. It wasn't necessary. I want you to know it's not that I accept what's happened to Dimitri. I'm very upset by it, which is probably why I shouted. But I also meant it when I said that this is what happens to Guardians, Lissa. It's what he trained for and me too. But I'm devastated it's happened to him," I admitted.
Lissa could obviously see the sincerity in my eyes. That and the tears.
"I sometimes forget you spent a lot of time with him, too," she said, understanding for the first time that I had also had a loss.
"At least five hours a day every day including weekends," I said shakily. "We got to know each other very well in that time."
I looked at her, willing her to read a bit more into what I was saying. To maybe start to get an idea of just how close Dimitri and I had become. Then I could maybe explain how like had turned to love, which in turn had somehow resulted in the rice-sized legacy nestled in my uterus.
"Maybe you should talk with Tasha?" Lissa said thoughtfully, her thoughts taking an entirely different direction to that I'd hoped. "She's heartbroken about what's happened. She hasn't said much other than she was waiting for Christian to graduate before moving on with things. I'm guessing she and Dimitri had planned this for some time? She might find it comforting to speak someone else who knew Dimitri well?"
"I'm not sure that would help," I said. Noticing Lissa's eyes narrow slightly I quickly continued, "I think it's best I let Tasha come to me if she wants to talk. I'd hate to intrude on a difficult time for her."
Lissa bought it, so I guess I was getting better at my Guardian mask.
"You're right," she said after a moment. "I just feel awful for her, Rose. She's given up so much to be there for Christian – especially in the years before he started at St. Vlad's. It seems cruel that her happiness with Guardian Belikov was over before it even started." And in that, I had no trouble agreeing with her. Although I was thinking of my own love affair with Dimitri.
Lissa was much more friendly after that, spending the next hour unpacking her suitcases and loading her clothes into the hamper for the laundry service all the while telling me about her time away. She said Brandon was actually quite nice, and he and Christian had become friendly while they were visiting.
"With Tasha in her room and Brandon and Christian hanging out it got a little boring towards the end," she admitted. "But I'm glad Christian has a male friend to hang out with," she added loyally. "He needs that."
"So when is Tasha planning to head home?" I asked as casually as I could.
"She's flying out tonight. In fact, I need to head over there now. We're having a family dinner in her cabin tonight before she leaves."
She didn't say it, but the slight emphasis on 'family' made it clear I wasn't invited. I was grateful. While my dinners had yet to make a reappearance, I did get rather queasy at times. Dhampirs didn't often get sick, so explaining it away if I chundered would take some doing.
"Sure thing. Well, tell her I said hi, and I'll see her at Graduation," I smiled easily, relieved beyond words she was leaving.
Mistaking my elation for a fondness for Tasha, Lissa gave me a big hug.
"Shall do. I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow?"
"Sure," I confirmed.
She threw on a coat and traipsed down the stairs to meet Christian while I walked along her dorm corridor to the stairs at the other end as they were closer to my building and it was still cold out. I'd just exited downstairs and was walking to the Novice dorms when I noticed Lissa, Christian, and Brandon nearly at the gym walking through the sunrise towards Tasha's cabin. I guess the definition of 'family' was a little wider than I'd thought.