I'd had the most horrible dreams. Running through mist trying to find something, but every time I was nearly there everything would shift, and I'd have to start again. I'd had dreams like this from time to time over the years, but as with everything else, pregnancy seemed to exaggerate things tenfold. It was actually a relief to drag myself out of bed at 5 pm ahead of training. Any excuse not to have to endure another round of disturbing imaginings from my subconscious.
It was Friday, and while I'd usually be happy to see the start of the weekend, I was dreading this one. Sunday was the day I'd promised Celeste I'd tell Alberta. She'd been pushing me for weeks, stressing the need for Junior and me to receive proper medical care. It wasn't that I was unwilling, I just needed the time to prepare myself. However I'd come to the conclusion that no amount of preparation was going to be enough – so after lunch on Sunday Celeste was going to come with me to tell Alberta my big news.
I knew she'd be disappointed. If not in me then for me. The more I thought about the future, the more I appreciated how much was going to change. I was hoping I could graduate, but that was far from a given thing. Guarding Lissa would certainly be out. In fact so might be guarding at all. I had no idea how I was going to support myself in the first few months with a newborn, let alone how I'd cover the inevitable medical expenses associated with having a baby.
Court seemed like my best bet for work, but with a baby and no allocation, Guardian housing would be out, so that left very expensive accommodation inside the wards or potentially dangerous quarters a long commute away. The human world was in some ways a better bet – but as a Dhampir, I had no papers or social security number. It hadn't been a problem when Lissa and I had been on the run – a combination of her compulsion and inexhaustible trust fund had seen to that. But as a single woman with no papers, no money, no qualifications or contacts and a new baby I was unlikely to get the lucky breaks I needed to eke out an existence for the two of us anywhere outside the seediest and most desperate of domains. Not that I was too proud to do that if I needed to – but I thought I'd explore the opportunities in my own world first. I wasn't the first young Dhampir woman to find herself pregnant and all but penniless. There could be all sorts of options out there for all I knew.
Yawning, I got up and changed into workout clothes. On Sunday I'd be twelve weeks along. The end of the first trimester. According to the book, I should soon start to have more energy and less morning sickness. I wasn't showing yet. All my clothes still fitted fine. Celeste had told me a lot of Dhampir women and Guardians, in particular, didn't show until quite late – a combination of lucky genetics and well-developed abdominal muscles. I remember my own mother once saying she worked until the end of her fifth month, so I was hopeful I could do likewise.
At the gym, Celeste was feeling chirpy. Stella had recently got her first e-mail address, and she was using it to communicate with her 'sister.'
"She's only allowed to use it to e-mail her teacher, her best friend, Mom, Dad or me. I've never had much use for e-mail – but I'm checking it like twice a day now because Stell keeps sending me messages!"
"Do you think you'll ever tell her the truth?"
Celeste looked thoughtful.
"I'm really not sure. Dad is adamant that she never know. Mom thinks she should be told one day but not yet. I'd like her to know, but not until she's old enough to understand why I had to do it this way. Why it was the best of a shitty bunch of options."
We did our workout, me a little slower than usual. I was noticing I was getting puffed more easily than I used to.
"Wait until you hit months eight and nine - you'll feel like you'll never breathe properly again," Celeste joked as she did her chin-ups.
Months eight and nine. Just before I had a baby. A real honest to goodness baby I'd be responsible for. A child I'd have to look after. All by myself. I dropped from the bar and sat on the floor, tears running down my cheeks. Celeste looked at me in alarm, dropping to sit beside me.
"I was joking, Rose!" she said slightly alarmed. "It's really not that bad!"
"It's not that," I gasped. "It's just I'm going to have a baby, you know? A child. For the rest of my life, I'm going to be a mother to someone. What if I fuck it up? God - knowing me I'll probably drop it or take it out somewhere and forget it. I can't even remember to pack a water bottle for gym – how the hell am I going to take care of a baby?!" I was rambling in a panic.
Celeste pulled me close and hugged me.
"You'll be fine – and you'll do it a day at a time. It will be ok."
"I'm frightened, Celeste. What if I can't do this?"
"You can. I know you can," she promised.
We were still on the mats, Celeste with her arm around me as I cried into her shoulder when Guardian Townsend came in to set up for Advanced Guardian Combat Techniques, my first lesson for the day.
"You ok, Hathaway?" he asked, looking at Celeste and me oddly. Staff around campus were used to seeing me as a sarcastic disobedient badass, not a blubbering mess.
"Yeah fine," I said wiping my eyes and heading for a quick shower before breakfast.
"You know when you see them training, it's easy to forget they're still just seventeen or eighteen," I heard him comment to Celeste. "Still so very young." The door to the women's change room shut before I heard her response.
At breakfast, I had a chocolate doughnut. And bacon. And four pieces of toast.
"Got your appetite back, Rosie?" Christian commented sarcastically. It had been weeks since I'd shouted at Lissa - and while she and I were good, I was still on Christian's shit list.
"Bite me, fireboy," I murmured, hoping Lissa wouldn't hear me. But of course, she did.
"Can you two stop bickering?!" she sighed. Accessing her feelings through the bond, I could tell it irritated her when Christian and I snipped at one another.
"Fine. But he started it," I grumbled, taking solace in the fact I could finally smell and eat bacon again without wanting to hurl.
Brandon joined our table, distracting Christian so Lissa and I were free to talk.
"Only a few days to go now - all excited about the big day?" she asked looking at me nervously.
My heart stuttered, and I looked at her agape. How the hell did she know I was going to tell Alberta on Sunday? Celeste must have said something… Did that mean she knew that I was pregnant?!
"Um not really," I said, trying not to give anything away until I figured out what and how much she knew.
"I know it's not as exciting when you don't have someone special to share it with, but you have heaps of admirers, so I'm sure you'll get your share of cards," she continued.
I was watching the words come out of Lissa's mouth, but I really couldn't work out what she meant, so I did something I didn't usually like to do – I brushed her mind with my own. Going past her surface emotions, which is what I usually read, I went a bit deeper so I could get to her thoughts.
'Rose looks upset. Maybe she's disappointed she doesn't have a boyfriend for Valentine's Day? I could set her up with Brandon? I know he'd be up for it and if the two of them were occupied with each other Christian and I could sneak away.'
It clicked. Valentine's Day was next week, and Lissa was worried Brandon or I would interrupt her plans.
"No I don't want to be set up with Brandon and don't worry about me interrupting your plans with Sparky, I'll probably spend the afternoon in the gym and then the evening studying like usual," I said, before taking another bite of toast.
"Rose!" Lissa hissed, "Were you in my head then?!"
"No," I fibbed giving her a cheeky grin, "I just know the way you think!"
She looked at me suspiciously but obviously decided to give me the benefit of the doubt.
"Will you reconsider having a date with Brandon? Please?! He's always hanging around! I never seem to get a moment alone with Christian these days," she hissed quietly. It wasn't the first time lately we'd had this discussion. Christian's bromance with Brandon was seriously curtailing Lissa's one-on-one time with her boyfriend, and she was starting to resent it.
"He's a nice guy – if you gave him a chance you might like him, Rose?"
"Liss I never said he wasn't nice, I'm just not interested. Besides – you know that between training and homework I don't have time to date."
It was an out and out lie. Often I'd lie in bed, staring at my photos of Dimitri just waiting until sleep would finally claim me. I was doing better at my studies than I ever had before because I was completing all my homework, revising texts and doing my assignments well in advance. Anything to stave off the long hours where I had nothing to do other than dwell on my fear.
"He's a nice guy. Just take him aside and tell him you want to spend Tuesday alone with Christian. I'm sure he'll understand!" I counseled, wondering what it would be like to live a life where my greatest worry was how to slip away for a little romance with my boyfriend on Valentine's Day. I'd made up my mind to tell her as soon as possible. Ideally, I'd tell her straight after telling Alberta, but I knew she was super excited about her first Valentine's Day with Christian, and I couldn't ruin that for her by telling her my news before then.
Eddie and Mason arrived carrying laden trays just then.
"You're looking happy this morning," Mason said sarcastically, taking in my tired, puffy eyes.
"Bad dreams," I mumbled, finishing off my toast. I did feel better now I had a bit of food in me, though.
"Hey, Lissa? Rose?" Eddie said nervously coming to sit beside us. "I was wondering – do you think a picnic on the dorm room floor is a nice way to spend Valentine's Day? I've asked a girl on a date, but I haven't got enough money to buy her anything nice…"
"Depends on the girl," I said, looking at him carefully. "Chelsea?"
"Yeah," he said, flushing red. "I've kind of liked her since you made me dance with her at the Yule Ball," he admitted, looking sheepish.
"She'll love a picnic, just make sure you do it properly. A blanket, some cheese, some soda to drink and little sandwiches. You can get it all from the cafeteria and then prepare it in the dorm kitchen," I suggested.
"And go out to the gardens beforehand and pick her a bunch of flowers, too," Lissa added. "I have some pretty paper and ribbon you can wrap them in if you don't have any."
Lissa stood, Christian, and Brandon doing likewise. "See you at lunch," she said before heading off to the feeders.
"So got any plans for Valentine's Day?" Eddie asked me after a quick look from Mason.
Sigh. Just when I'd hoped he'd given up.
"Nah. Might see if any of the girls want to come watch Thelma and Louise with me," I joked.
"You could spend the afternoon with me?" Mason suggested. "Just as friends," he added quickly.
"We'll see, Duckie," I said softly. "I've got a lot of assignments to finish at the moment."
Another lie. It seemed like that's all I was doing at the moment – lying and concealing things from those I was closest to.
The guys finished their breakfast, and we headed to class. Townsend had a treat for us today. Sparring! The last three weeks he'd been teaching us new moves. While I was already very familiar with them from the time spent training with my Russian God, it would still be fun to try them out in class – especially since they were all arm moves, so I didn't have to worry about defending my lower abdomen.
He split us into pairs, and I got Chelsea.
"Hey Rose," she greeted shyly.
"Hey Chelsea, heard you've got a hot date on Tuesday?" I said, giving her a smile. Chelsea had liked Eddie forever.
"Yeah Eddie asked me out for Valentines Day, but I have no idea what he's got planned so I don't know what to wear!"
"Nice jeans and a pretty top," I shot back, "Or a long casual dress."
"Do you know what he has planned?"
"I might," I said smiling at her. I really hoped it worked out for them. Eddie was a good man and a real catch, and Chelsea was a sweetie.
"I have a dress which might be suitable if you don't have anything," I offered, thinking about a pretty floral maxi-dress I hadn't worn since we left the academy two years ago. There's no way Eddie would remember it as mine, and it was long and stretchy enough she could sit on the floor comfortably. "I'll bring it to your room after dinner and you can try it on."
Guardian Townsend started the instructions for the sparring – arm work only, and it was to be technique sparring; where we did the moves but without any real power behind them. He'd taped out enough squares for half the class to spar at one time while the other half watched on. Chelsea and I were part of the first batch and sparred for ten minutes. She wasn't bad, but the moves were new to her whereas I had a couple of months practice with them. The whistle blew, and we stepped back, watching the other half of the class spar for ten minutes.
"Swap partners," Townsend barked when their turn was up, so we all moved to partner with someone else. Lucky me, I got Blake. We squared off against one another waiting for the whistle to blow. When we started sparring, Blake put in more force than was strictly allowed, but I'd expected that from him. He was slow, so I was landing four or five taps for every blow he made to me. I could tell it was frustrating him, which I had to admit kind of pleased me.
We were only a minute or so from the end when he got an ugly look on his face and stepping back delivered a kick straight to my unprotected lower abdomen. I saw it coming and tried to spin away, but he grabbed my hands so all I could do was pivot so the very worst of it hit my hip. But it was one hell of a kick, and in pretty much the worst spot it could be.
"That's a clear foul!" I heard one of the Novices cry out as I crashed to the mat doubled over. "It's meant to be upper technique sparring only. He did that on purpose!"
I could barely breathe. The pain was everywhere, and all I could think about was Junior. I was lying in the fetal position gasping as I started to cry. My shoulders were shaking with my sobs, but I was trying to stop as every time I moved it hurt my stomach more. I could feel dampness spreading on my inner thighs, and knew it was probably me losing the baby. The tiny part of Dimitri I had left.
Mason was beside me in seconds as was Eddie.
"Rosie? Are you ok?" Mason asked, panic in his eyes. I knew he was panicking because it's the only time he ever called me that.
"Get Guardian Matthews. Please? I need her right now!" I whimpered.
Mason looked to a confused looking Guardian Townsend who was standing beside them. He walked to the phone on the wall, and in a moment I heard an announcement over the campus PA calling Celeste to the gym for an emergency. She must have been close by, because it was only minutes before she was running in at full speed. One look at me on the floor lying on my side clutching my lower belly and crying and she started barking orders.
"Don't move her! Townsend – clear the gym – get the students somewhere else now." Eddie and Mason were standing beside me, not wanting to leave.
"What happened?" she asked them, as she sat on the mat beside me smoothing the hair back from my face. Eddie told her and she cursed.
"Rose? How does it feel?"
"It hurts, Celeste. Please help me. I just can't lose it. I just can't lose anything more," I sobbed looking at Celeste through my tears. "I just can't… Please!"
"Shh… It will be ok," she said, although her voice was shaking.
There were more footsteps, and I could see Alberta coming in. No one had called her, yet, but as Captain of the guard, I suppose her presence at any emergency on campus was to be expected.
Celeste nodded to Alberta and then looked up at Eddie.
"You need to go get Dr. Olendzki. Talk to her and no one else. Tell her the things at Christmas weren't for me, they were for Rose and that she's just had a direct hit to the lower abdomen in training."
Eddie looked at her, then to Alberta and finally to where I lay on the mat still hunched over and crying. He looked confused and then realization dawned.
"Oh hell. Rose is pregnant isn't she?" he said, putting the puzzle pieces together.
"Yes, she is," Celeste said, and I heard Alberta gasp. "Now run!"
-ooOOoo The End Part One ooOOoo-