Celeste came into the gym for our after-school training, surprised to see me already there punching the shit out of one of the mannequins.

"Stupid… stuck up… royal… bitch…" I was mumbling under my breath, punctuating each word with another jab at the padded figure in front of me.

"Feeling a little tense?" she joked, coming to stand beside me and do her warm-ups. The final class of the day had left not long before, so we had the gym to ourselves.

"Just a little," I muttered, before spilling my guts to her about my fight with Lissa.

"Well you can kind of see how it might take her some getting used to the idea of you and Dimitri," she said, playing devil's advocate. "The two of you did keep things on the down low…"

"I know. And no one other than Alberta saw us after that weekend away together," I admitted. "Although did I tell you about Meredith busting us together in the shower?"

Celeste looked up at me her eyes twinkling, "No!?"

I laughed and told her about our last shower together, Meredith correctly guessing why there were two towels and two sets of shoes outside our cubicle in the Novice's bathroom.

"She hasn't mentioned it since," I said with a little smirk.

Celeste chuckled. "Probably too embarrassed to bring it up."

"Yeah probably. I had my first counseling session today," I confided. "The woman is completely useless. She had all this information on adoption places. Seemed to think I was crazy when I said I'd be keeping my baby. But one good thing did come of it. I realized Guardian Schoenberg knows how to contact the Guardian in charge of Dimitri's mission, so I've asked Alberta to call Guardian Schoenberg to try and get a message to Dimitri to let him know about the baby," I told her apprehensively. "I'm not sure whether they'll be able to get a message to him – and if he'll believe me if they do. But he should know."

"What do you think might happen?" she asked curiously.

"Well, I'm hoping they might bring him back," I said, realizing as I said it how unlikely that probably was. "But at the very least I hope they might let him ring me… This not knowing – it's killing me, Celeste."

She reached over hugged me.

"Then let's hope Schoenberg can get a message to him," she said with a smile.

"I just hope he believes me, and that he wants Junior," I said. "I mean – it's supposed to be an exciting time for a guy when he finds out he's going to be a father, right?"

Celeste laughed bitterly.

"Yeah it is," she said an ugly expression on her face. "I can still remember when I told my ex about Stella," she said, looking around to make sure we were still alone. "He was over the moon!"

My confused look must have said it all. If he was so happy, then why weren't they together or he at least a part of Stella's life?

She sighed.

"Stella's father Patrick and I went to school together. He's not royal, but he comes from one of the more prominent Moroi families. We dated throughout our senior year, but for the sake of appearances, we kept it quiet. I thought it was all horribly romantic, but in reality, it was so no one knew he was making out with a Dhampir," she said mirthlessly. "He was selfish, arrogant, egotistical and a jerk, but I didn't see it. I thought the sun shone out of his ass," she continued, sightlessly doing her reps lost in recollection.

"Going by my due date, Stell was probably conceived on our graduation night," she said, continuing her tale. "He'd spent most of the night dancing with his Moroi girlfriend. He'd promised me she was nothing to him – just a cover for his family. Halfway through our graduation dance he came and got me and said he'd prepared a surprise for me. He took me to a beautiful hotel room nearby. There were flowers everywhere and candles, and it was just gorgeous. He wouldn't even let me get under the covers on the bed – said he just couldn't wait. So we stripped off and did it on top of the bedspread. I didn't realize until afterward that he hadn't used a condom.

"He was so sweet afterward, telling me to rest and not get up. He cuddled me for fifteen minutes, and then he said we'd better get back to the dance. I got dressed, and he was busy straightening the bed and making it look like we'd never been there. And even then it didn't twig," she said, her voice overflowing with bitterness.

"I thought we'd go back to the hotel after the dance, but he disappeared, and I couldn't find him, so I went back to my dorm alone. He called the next day to apologize, making up some story about a drunk friend he'd had to help out. I was allocated to Court, and he would come by my room every few days, and we'd have sex. He told me he wanted us to be together. To have a family together. The whole shebang. So when he didn't want to use a condom I didn't make a big deal about it. Well, I'd been at Court a whole two weeks when I discovered I was pregnant. I didn't tell him until I was past twelve weeks. I think in my heart of hearts I knew he was a scumbag and I thought he might have wanted me to get rid of it," she continued.

"Well, when I told him I was expecting he was over the moon. But not for the reason I thought. It turns out his family is part of an ultra-conservative group of Moroi who are concerned with falling Guardian numbers. It was considered his duty to impregnate a Dhampir to help 'create more Guardians' before he'd be allowed to marry and start a Moroi family. The fancy hotel on graduation night hadn't been for me at all; he'd proposed to his Moroi girlfriend there after the dance that night. He was just waiting for me to get pregnant to absolve him of his responsibility to create more Dhampir so he could have his happily ever after."

I looked at Celeste absolutely aghast. If I could find this Patrick and rip his head off his shoulders with my bare hands, I'd do it without a second thought.

"Turns out he never wanted me. Just my uterus," she said, a hard edge to her voice. "He did offer that if I wanted to have more babies once I'd had Stella he'd 'help me out' with that," she snorted. "Of course I turned him down, and once he knew I wasn't going to be his brood mare, he was out of there without a backward glance."

"Have you seen him since? Do you know what happened to him?" I asked, my mind reeling in horror but also thinking if she gave enough info away, I might track the asshole down and make sure he came to deeply regret what he'd done.

"I hear things from time to time," she said lightly. "He's married to his Moroi girlfriend. He has two kids. The boy is a year younger than Stella; their girl is probably four now."

"You must loathe him," I said, still shocked that anyone could be so callous to use a woman essentially as a breeder.

Celeste turned to look at me.

"Rose, hating him has become my religion," she said with an intensity that was frightening. "I don't know how and I don't know when, but one day I am going to make sure he pays. Not just for using me, but for what it's meant for Stella. She deserved to have a chance to know me as her mother, and I deserved the opportunity to be that mother to her."

I nodded. I wanted to reach out and hug her, but I could sense telling me this had been tough for Celeste and she needed a moment to pull herself back together.

"And you've not been with anyone serious since?"

"No. I've been with a few guys, but I just can't bring myself to go there emotionally," she admitted. "Although… if Guardian Schoenberg were to show an interest I wouldn't say no," she admitted with a cheeky grin.

"Eww, Celeste! He's like fifty or something!"

"Yeah, but you've seen him fight. The guy is hot," she said with a giggle. "And I like the salt and pepper hair... it's sexy! I bet he'd be amazing in bed!"

"Well there is a lot to bed said for the stamina of an experienced Guardian," I mused almost to myself.

Celeste looked at me, and the two of us laughed heartily. Even with everything going wrong at the moment, and the horrible history she'd just shared with me, it was nice to enjoy a light-hearted moment together.

We showered and went to dinner, Celeste joining us at our table for a change. Usually, she sat with the other Guardians, but there was only Emil there just now, and a stone was probably a better conversationalist than he. Plonking down next to me with a large tray of food, Celeste was friendly and personable with the other Novices, but there was still that slight professional distance between them.

Mason was particularly witty, causing all of us to erupt numerous times in laughter thanks to his amusing banter. It was only halfway through dinner that I appreciated he was showing off for Celeste's benefit. I gave her a look that she returned, and I realized she knew it, too. The two of us smirked, but it wasn't until I asked her whether she'd like ketchup or if she'd prefer salt and pepper that the two of us really lost it. I had my head on the table tears running down my face I was laughing so hard, and Celeste was no better.

I reached over and gave her back a pat. It was so nice to have a friend to laugh and joke around with. Because while Celeste might be an associate to the other Novices, she was undoubtedly a friend now to me. It had been a long time since Lissa and I had shared that easy camaraderie. It was my fault every bit as much as it was hers – I'd become so accustomed to putting her needs first that both of us had started to forget I even had needs outside of my responsibilities to her.

We were just settling down when I felt a jealous pang through the bond, followed by a vengeful feeling. I hadn't even realized Lissa was sitting at the Royal Moroi table with Christian and had been watching the hilarity at our table. She was jealous of the easy friendship between Celeste and me but also thought I was exaggerating my mirth to annoy her. While her feelings before that had mostly been regretful about our argument earlier, seeing me with what she considered a replacement female friend made her angry. Noticing me watching, she hastily tried to pull up her mental barricades, shooting me a disdainful look before turning away.

The rest of the week dragged. Alberta had pulled me aside after breakfast on Wednesday to tell me she'd spoken with Guardian Schoenberg and that he'd agreed to make inquiries about Dimitri's whereabouts. She explained he didn't think it appropriate he be the one to tell Dimitri about Junior, but if there was any way to get him to a phone he was going to arrange it so we could talk and I could tell him myself.

And then I was panicking about how to do that. 'Hey, Comrade – you know how Dhampirs can't reproduce together? Well, funny story about that…' just didn't seem to be the right way to go about things, and I was worried he wouldn't believe me and would hang up before I had a chance to explain in full. Maybe if I started by getting him to promise not to hang up? Dimitri was a man of his word and wouldn't break it, but if I started that way he'd immediately be on the defensive, which wouldn't be good. I kicked it around in my mind, even writing a long, detailed email to my Russian God about my concerns and thoughts on different approaches.

But as well as being apprehensive, I was excited! Being able to talk to my man – to hear his voice again. To tell him I loved him now even more than ever. I didn't want to be caught off guard like last time, so I made a list of things to discuss with him, carrying it around in my pocket at all times, because there was no knowing when a call might come.

I was sitting in Bodyguard Theory and Personal Protection in the second period Friday morning when the campus-wide PA crackled into life.

"Novice Rose Hathaway please report to Alberta's office without delay."

My head snapped up, and I checked my pocket for my list. It didn't even occur to me to stow my books or grab my bag – I was out the door and sprinting to Alberta's office before Stan had even turned to face the class and give me leave to depart. I was breathless when I reached Alberta's room in the Guardian building. I'd taken her at her word when she'd said 'without delay' as I was conscious that if Dimitri was on the telephone every second I took getting there was one less second I had to speak with him.

The door was shut, and I knocked on it impatiently, entering as soon as I heard Alberta say "Come."

Inside the office were Alberta and Guardian Schoenberg. I hadn't expected him to be here, but thinking about it, it made sense he make the call to Dimitri so no one else would know the number. I gave him a huge smile filled with gratitude and hope.

"I came as fast as I could," I gasped, a little winded. I know it wasn't that I was unfit, it was my body needing more oxygen for Junior, but I still felt embarrassed that my fitness wasn't what it once was.

"Rose, please take a seat," Alberta said formally. "You remember Guardian Schoenberg."

"Yes of course. Thank you so much for coming," I said politely, cognizant that it was only due to his goodwill that I had any shot at getting to speak to the man I loved.

Alberta looked to Guardian Schoenberg who took a seat beside me. Unlike last time, today he was in his dress uniform. Looking at him with fresh eyes, I could kind of see why he appealed to Celeste. He was somewhat sexy in an older man sort of way. I mean, he didn't do it for me – but I could see the appeal of such a fit, handsome, powerful older man.

I was surprised when he reached out and grabbed my hands, taking both of them within his own. I looked up at him in confusion, when the look on his face stopped my heart.

"Rose? I spoke to Alberta on Wednesday morning, and she told me about your need to get an urgent message to Guardian Belikov, so I started to make inquiries. It took me some time, but yesterday I was able to contact the Guardian in charge of the mission. The delay was because they'd been in the air – they've pulled out, and the mission is over."

My faltering heart restarted again. Dimitri was on his way back?

Tears were pouring down my face as I looked up to Schoenberg's face.

"Does that mean Dimitri is coming home?"

There was a long silence before Schoenberg said, "Rose, I'm afraid not. Two weeks ago on Friday the 10th February Dimitri's cell was attacked. The bodies of four Guardians were discovered; Dimitri and another Guardian were missing. All of their belongings had been taken other than their stakes."

His eyes flicked to a wooden box sitting in the middle of Alberta's table. Now I gave it my attention I knew what it was. It was the box stakes were housed in. But it wasn't until I looked up and saw Alberta was weeping that I understood what was coming next.

"There was no sign of Dimitri's blood at the scene, but it's the same modus operandi as several other cells which were attacked. It appears the Strigoi killed the Guardians they didn't want and captured the others. We believe that Guardian Belikov and the other Guardians taken have almost certainly been turned."

A horrified moan escaped my lips. Not that. Even death was better than that. I closed my eyes, unhappy noises escaping my lips as my mind flipped back to lying in Dimitri's arms in the motel. When I'd asked him, he'd said he wasn't scared of death, but he was scared of being turned. That more than anything, he didn't want that.

"No, no, no, no, no," I was groaning, barely aware of Alberta coming around from behind her desk and wrapping her arms around me as I sat on the chair. "Tell me it isn't true!" I implored, turning to face her.

"Oh Rose, I'm so very sorry," she whispered. "He was such a wonderful man, and I know how deeply you cared for him."

I was crying so hard I was having trouble catching my breath. We sat there the three of us for perhaps twenty minutes, me crying inconsolably. I heard Schoenberg quietly suggest "Maybe a mild sedative?" and Alberta replying, "Not with the baby, I'm afraid."

Taking deep breaths, I tried to calm myself.

"Where was he?"

"He was in Russia," Schoenberg said. "I can't tell you exactly where, but it was a large Russian city."

"He would have liked that," I said softly. "He missed home so much. Have his family been told?"

"Yes. We rang them just before we called for you. He and the other missing Guardians will be declared missing in action for the next six months, after which time he will be officially classified as deceased."

I nodded, hearing the words and slowly deciphering their meaning. He was gone, and he wasn't coming back.

"I have his will here, Rose, but I believe you're already aware of the contents of that? We can go through and discuss all the practical considerations when you're feeling up to it. In the meantime, I have something for you. As you will recall, I met with Dimitri the morning before he was deployed. During our meeting, he gave me something for you. A letter. He asked me to give it to you should he not make it home."

She reached across to her desk, sliding an envelope out from underneath the wooden box. It was a small envelope printed with the name and address of the motel we'd stayed at on the front of it, along with 'Roza' in his elegant script. Turning it over, I could see it was still sealed.

"I also have his stakes for you. They were transported home by a colleague, and as someone very special to him, you should have them."

She passed me the box, and I held it along with the letter.

"Is there anyone you'd like me to call?"

"Celeste?" I whispered.

Alberta's face fell. "She's off-campus until tomorrow. She went on a field trip with the junior classes."

Yes, of course. It was the extra shift she'd owed Alberta. The little kids were doing an overnight camp and learning outdoor skills.

"What about Mason or Eddie?" she suggested, aware that things weren't great between Lissa and me at the moment.

I shrugged.

"Could you maybe send them to my room in half an hour? I want to read my letter first."

"Of course. Would you like me to walk you to your room?" she asked kindly. I could see it was hurting her to see me so distressed.

"No. I just want to be alone," I whispered. I stood and looked to where Guardian Schoenberg still sat in the chair beside mine. "Thank you so much for coming to tell me in person. I appreciate your kindness," I said, my voice barely a whisper.

"I'm so very sorry, Rose. He was a good man and an excellent Guardian."

"Thank you," I whispered, giving Alberta a final nod before I opened the door and left her office.

I walked across the commons, barely registering that it was the end of the second period and students were crisscrossing in all directions getting to their next classes. I walked like a zombie, tears trickling down my cheeks. I think someone called out to try and stop me, but I didn't halt. I walked almost in a trance towards the Novice dorms.

Once I'd reached the quietness of my room, I stripped naked, putting on one of Dimitri's shirts I'd taken to sleep in. Even though I knew he was gone. and I'd never see him again, the soft cotton that used to rub against his skin resting against mine was somehow soothing. I put my phone in the dock, switching it to the 'Roza' playlist. Then I turned out the lights and switched on my lamp, climbing into bed and very carefully opening my letter.

I was on my side, silently staring at my photos of Dimitri half an hour later when the door opened. The dorm matron was there letting Mason and Eddie into my room.

"Thank God, Rose! We were knocking and shouting, and you didn't answer," Mason said in relief.

"I didn't hear you," I said honestly. All my attention had been on looking at my photos of Dimitri. The man I'd loved but lost.

"Alberta told us," Mason continued, closing the door behind them and coming to sit beside me on the bed and hugging me. "I'm so very sorry."

I shrugged, my tears starting again. Mason turned around to look at Eddie who'd said nothing so far. He was looking at my wall of photos of Dimitri and I. Dragging his eyes away, I saw him notice the pile of Dimitri's washing I'd never been able to bring myself to return to his room, finally resting on me where I sat in bed wearing Dimitri's shirt.

"He really is the father of your baby, isn't he? You and he were in love?" he asked softly.

I nodded.

"I loved him Eddie. I still do. But he's gone!" I wailed, burying my face against Mason's chest as he pulled me into another hug.