Every day was torture, but the worst thing was that every time I woke it was to a fresh horror. It was as though this manor housed innumerable practices bound to shock and revolt, and there was an inexorable march to parade each perversion in front of my reluctant eyes. And it was impossible to anesthetize yourself against it.
In the first few days, it was the shock of seeing the occasional person I knew from before walking around with red-rimmed eyes. Guardians from the mission, Dhampir I'd trained with at St. Basil's. Even an old royal Moroi chum of Ivan's. I hadn't heard he'd been turned. Despite being surrounded by numerous Strigoi, I didn't have any immediate fears for my safety. Galina had made it very clear I was not to be touched, and no one dared risk her wrath. But it was nonetheless disturbing to see people I'd previously known in life now as eerily familiar soulless monsters.
I'd successfully avoided the Guardian dorms since I'd been called away from them. There was nothing I could do to help the men there, so I intentionally spared myself the punishment of bearing witness to their torturous decision.
Thanks to my suggestion about army accommodations for the meeting, Galina had temporarily halted recruitment, so the same dorms now stood empty. I was wandering around in that part of the manor getting an idea of the building's layout to inform my loosely constructed escape plan when a large leather book caught my eye. Sitting on a desk in the broad hallway between the locked Moroi and Guardian dorms, a quick flick showed it contained long lists of Dhampir, Moroi and human names with a simple 'A' or 'D' annotated in the margin. After a moment I inferred that this was the list of those recruited; the 'A' stood for awakened and the 'D' for deceased. Towards the end of the long list, I saw Yaroslav's name with a neat 'D' beside it. I was relieved for him, although I didn't pause to ponder the manner of his death.
The most gruesome of the many execrable things I'd seen here was the Strigoi 'meals' area. Those who chose to not to be awakened were used to sustain the army. While many Strigoi were happy to quickly feed and drain their victims with a minimum of fuss, more than a few of the undead liked to terrorize their prey first, claiming the blood tasted better when the one who'd produced it was petrified. I'd honestly been traumatized the first time I'd passed the feeding rooms and seen such large-scale massacre, so now for my mental health, I made a point of avoiding that part of the manor altogether when feedings were scheduled. It was truly the stuff of nightmares, and I knew were I to survive this place I would spend many nights trying to purge what I'd seen from my mind.
Looking through the long list of names in the journal, I was interested to note that almost ninety percent of those listed were Guardians, yet probably only thirty percent of them had chosen to be awakened. Looking back at the dates, the recruitment had been going on for longer than I'd initially appreciated. Several years at least, should the first entry be believed. Much longer than the reports from Court had suggested. Every indication from there had been that this was a more recent problem; something arising in the last six to twelve months. Not for the first time I wondered how the Royal and Guardian Councils had got it so wrong. How had Galina managed to amass all this virtually unobserved?
"Plotting something, Belikov? Careful, Galina wouldn't like that," Nathan's voice sneered. He'd crept up behind me soundlessly. The hair bristled on the back of my neck, but I gave no indication of the disquiet his presence caused me.
"Just wondering who I might know at the meeting," I said urbanely. "Is this the full list?"
"None of your business," Nathan snapped looking at me with undisguised dislike. "You know, Galina might trust you, but I don't."
"Ah, that's where you're wrong. Galina doesn't trust me. She doesn't trust anyone. And that's what's made her such a force to be reckoned with."
Nathan was dangerous. Not just by way of being Strigoi, but because he was power hungry. Attuned to every nuance in the ever-changing quicksand of authority and influence in this place, my initial standing and subsequent rise in Galina's esteem had not escaped his attention. But he also knew any move against me, no matter how slight, would bring about consequences that would be both immediate and severe.
Of course, unbeknownst to him, he had good reason to have misgivings about me. At my suggestion, his informal conversations with Marko were now being monitored, and he was indeed attempting to mastermind a coup. Although he was smart enough not to let Marko in on the full plan, what Nathan had been overheard saying was already seditious enough to convince Galina he had to be disposed of. The only thing preventing her from tearing his head from his shoulders and parading it around displayed on a spike was her desire to discover who else was embroiled in his plot. Sitting at opposite ends of the sofa in her sitting room, we'd talked about it at length last night. Galina had had her feet resting on me, and at her behest, I'd been massaging them.
"If I kill him now, that will scare the others into submission," she'd mused taking a sip of red wine, although I knew her well enough to know she was merely positing it as an option.
"Yes. But the seeds of discontent have already been sown. Small weeds are easier to pull than large ones," I'd countered. She'd nodded. We both knew I was right.
"So Guardian Saunders has pulled out of Novosibirsk, taking what's left of his elite force with him," she announced, watching me carefully from underneath her lashes. I'd been expecting it, but still, my heart lurched. "I guess they're declaring their little mission over," she smiled triumphantly.
"I guess so," I mumbled, wondering how long it would take them to tell my family and Roza that I was missing presumed turned. I didn't let my mind dwell too long on that. I couldn't. If I wanted to have any chance of seeing those I loved again, I needed to keep my eye on the prize.
"Do you wish you'd been withdrawn with them?" she asked curiously.
I could lie and say no, but she'd know it wasn't the truth and more than anything I needed her to trust me – to continue allowing me the freedom I had within the manor so I could enact my plan.
"With everything I am," I said with a sigh, thinking how close those words were to the declaration of love I'd made to my Roza. "But that's not the way it's worked out," I said in resignation.
"Well, I hope your current situation is not without its compensations?" she asked, giving me a loaded look before rubbing her foot on my inner thigh.
I took a large glug of wine, then closing my eyes I reconstructed Roza's beautiful face in my mind in order that my own face might resemble something that I hoped could be interpreted as pleasure. Then I nodded, letting my mind wander back to my plan. The pieces were slowly falling into place now. I'd only get one shot at it, and there were so many variables I needed to line up to make it happen. But I was making steady progress. It had to work - because I had to get out of here.
Mason was holding me silently, but I could see his eyes slowly traversing the wall beside my bed, taking in photo after photo of Dimitri and I. Pictures that were little hints to what had transpired between us.
"It looks like he loved you, too," Eddie acknowledged, looking at the photos of a smiling Dimitri kissing me and gazing at me with adoration.
I nodded, my eyes flicking down to the folded letter that lay beside me on the bed. I'd read and re-read it, careful not to mark its surface with my tears. It was a very personal missive, and I'd never show it to another, although I don't suppose that really mattered now its author was gone.
My darling Roza,
I am watching you sleep as I write this, and as soon as I am done, I will come back to bed to be beside you. It's our last night in Missoula together, and I don't want you out of my embrace for any longer than you have to be.
Milaya, how can I convey how much I love you in a simple letter? Words alone do not seem adequate to describe the feelings you tease out of my guarded heart. Yet it appears they must suffice, because if you're reading this, then it means that I am gone.
Our love was never planned, and while we did our best to fight it, I now realize it would have been easier to stop the tides than to prevent your love finding mine. To say it was destiny seems so clichéd, yet I can think of no better word to describe how in every conceivable way it seems we were meant to be together.
My Roza – so fearless, yet also so vulnerable. How could I not fall in love with you? Everything about you drew me in until offering you the loving sanctuary of my heart and receiving the tender balm of your devoted affection was inevitable. These last few days with you have given me a joy I never knew possible. Like the delicate breath of Spring after a long Winter, your love has brought every part of me to life, and I will be eternally grateful that we had this time together, no matter how short.
While I am no expert on love, beyond knowing I have certainly found it with you, something I do know about is grief – so I beg you to grieve me and then move on with your life. Nothing could pain me more than thinking of you bottling yourself up like I did after I lost Ivan. I now know a life without love is no life at all, and more than anything I want a long, full and happy life for you. Please don't let my memory hold you back from finding love again with someone else when the time is right.
And my darling, please don't think back on me with tears. Remember me with happiness and recall the joy we shared, knowing that while you remember me fondly, I'll never truly be gone. I will be in the breeze that ripples through your hair when you run your laps. I'll be the first few rays of sunlight peeking over the horizon to greet you every morning, and I'll be the snowflake that gently kisses your skin with the first snowfall of the season. No matter where you go, I will always be with you, and you will never want for my love.
Eternally, your loving Comrade,
Dimitri
"How long?" Mason asked, pulling me from my thoughts about Dimitri's final words to me.
"Since almost the beginning, but it was gradual. By the time we realized it, we were already crazy about each other. We tried to ignore it; we really did, but it wouldn't go away. We didn't let ourselves act on it until the very end. When he got the news he had been reallocated, it didn't matter anymore. He was no longer my mentor and wasn't going to be Lissa's Guardian, so we went to Missoula and spent the last five days before he left together. It was a magical time," I explained. "Somehow we managed to squeeze so much into the little bit of time we had."
"And that's when you fell pregnant," Mason concluded, it all now coming together in his mind. He was sitting resting against the metal bed head, and I was curled up beside him with my head on his chest while he gently rubbed my back. Eddie was sitting at the foot of the bed.
"Yep. I still don't know how the supposedly impossible happened, but I've never been with anyone else, so I know it's his. I got to speak to him on the day of my Qualifier after I killed the Strigoi, but that was a few days before I found out about the baby, so he never knew he was going to be a Daddy."
It was Sunday morning, and I was getting ready to leave my room for the first time. Mason and Eddie had been fabulous not telling anyone about Dimitri, instead spreading the word I was upset about a falling out with my mother. It was partially true, Janine had disowned me after all, but it was a convenient cover to explain my erratic behavior in the commons on Friday. I knew the word would eventually get out – on one of her many visits Alberta had already gently raised the idea of a memorial - but for now, only the staff on campus knew.
I picked up my cell phone and was going to check it for messages before I remembered - some time since our argument on Tuesday Lissa had had it disconnected. When we were on the run, she'd taken out a cell plan for each of us. When we'd returned to St Vladimir's, she'd never had it disconnected. At least not until now. Not that I'd used it a great deal. Almost exclusively to text her, truth be told. I returned my phone to the speaker dock. It still had my music on there, so I guess it was a glorified iPod, now.
Celeste helped me pick some clothes for Church. They'd moved a fold out bed in as soon as she'd got back to campus on Saturday and she'd been staying in my room with me ever since. It was squishy – my broom closet dorm room was barely big enough for one person let alone two – but she was making the best of it. She'd been trying to coax me out of my room since she'd arrived, but I refused to leave, so we'd been relying on Eddie, Mason, and Alberta to transport meals to us. Not that I particularly wanted to eat. It was only the knowledge I had Dimitri's precious child within me that made me open my mouth and fill it with food three times a day.
"Come on Rose, let's get you into the shower," Celeste cajoled, leading me across to the bathroom. I hadn't showered since Friday morning, and I really needed to. Knowing I was still sensitive about anyone else seeing me naked, she locked the door from the inside, and the two of us undressed heading into separate cubicles. I always used the one on the right - the one I'd showered in with Dimitri. A small moan escaped my lips as I thought about him. It was still impossible for me to believe that he was gone. I'd heard people say 'life goes on' yet it seemed unfathomable to me that it could.
I'd never felt the calling to go to Church before, but if ever a word was needed with the dude upstairs then it was now. I tried to slip on my favorite jeans, but there was no escaping the conclusion that they were too snug around the top. I could barely do them up, and there'd be no sitting down in them, so I peeled them off and chose a roomier pair of tailored black pants. I teamed them with a black sweater and a pair of dark sunglasses. Everyone would know I'd been crying, but honestly, there'd been so much gossip about me over the last few weeks, I think people were almost at critical saturation and probably wouldn't bother speculating any further. I was seventeen, pregnant and the entire school knew I wasn't on speaking terms with my closest friend. The one I'd had since I was four years old. I had a lot to cry about!
Celeste shadowed me, walking into the Church as I did. The spot in the row where Dimitri used to sit was occupied by some pre-pubescent boys from the junior school, but two words from Celeste sent them scurrying, and I seated myself in his old spot, Celeste beside me. I closed my eyes and held her hand, listening to the rise and fall of Father Andrews' voice as he started his sermon.
I could sense Lissa was somewhere in the crowd. Probably in her usual seat in the Royal Moroi pews near the front; I didn't bother opening my eyes to check. I had to suppress an indignant snort as it occurred to me; it appears that even when it came to God, there was a pecking order.
It was another sermon on Father Andrews' favorite topic; St Vladimir and his shadow-kissed Anna. Today of all days, when I wanted to hear something on transcendence or eternal life, all he had to talk about was the precious bond between Vladimir and Anna. He was probably halfway through the sermon when he said something about the joy Anna took in the sacrifices she made for her Moroi Vladimir.
"That's bullshit!"
It was louder than I'd intended. Truth be told, I hadn't planned to say it out loud at all. But I had, and if the gasps and titters from the congregation were anything to go by at least a few people had heard me. Father Andrews looked up from the pulpit. He'd heard me speak, but it was obvious he hadn't heard precisely what I'd said.
"My dear?" he asked, peering myopically out into the crowd in my direction.
"Nothing," I muttered, standing up and walking out of the Church, Celeste a few steps behind me. Whatever I was searching for, it's clear I wouldn't be finding it in the Church or religion today.