It was Noah's birthday. It had fallen, conveniently, on a Saturday. Olivia was having a party, something modest, to celebrate his second year.
The guest list was small, but included some of Noah's friends from preschool, Lucy, Barba, Fin, Carisi, Rollins, and baby. Liv had also asked Dodds if he would like to come, but he, never wanting to mix business with pleasure—or awkward social encounters—declined.
The last time Amanda had come to a party at Olivia's house, she had come with Nick. It was to celebrate Noah's adoption. She was pregnant at the time, but she didn't know it yet. Crazy how quickly a life could change.
And now, on the convenient Saturday, Amanda was with Sonny. And her baby. He had come to pick her up at her apartment nearly an hour before they were supposed to be at the party, just because he knew that something would hold them up. He was right, of course. Jessie spit up all over herself and Amanda and they both had to change.
When they got to the party, a mere fifteen minutes late, Noah ran up to them.
"Baby?" he asked. His eyes were full of wonder, gazing up at the small, curious being in Amanda's arms.
"Yeah," Sonny said, crouching down to pick up Noah as to hold him at the same level as Jessie. "That's Jessie," he said, even though Noah had been introduced before. Noah reached out his hands to touch the baby before Sonny stopped him.
"Hey, little man, remember what I told you about the baby?" Sonny asked.
"Kind and gentle!" Noah responded.
"That's right!" Sonny said, holding out his hand for a high five. The toddler slammed the man's hand and motioned towards the floor. Sonny put him down and turned back to Amanda. Jessie was pulling on her mother's hair, so Sonny ever so kindly, ever so gently, reached over and pushed Amanda's blond locks out of the infant's reach. She offered a smile in return, and Sonny walked over to Liv to give her the presents that he and Amanda had brought for Noah.
"Thank you, guys," Liv said, offering a hug. She put the presents down on the kitchen table. Sonny's was wrapped in the same striped wrapping paper he had used for Amanda's baby shower present. He, as he was not a parent, had bought Noah a toy police car with a siren and flashing red and blue lights. Amanda, on the other hand, who had a child and knew first-hand how annoying noisy toys were, had bought a set of bath toys.
"Hello, Jessie," Liv cooed at the baby, because that's what she did. Sure, Noah was her baby, he would always be her baby, but he wasn't technically a baby anymore. And so she loved seeing Jessie.
Amanda, reading her boss' face, said, "Do you wanna hold her?" Liv nodded in response and gently took Jessie into her arms. Noah, who had been preoccupied playing with his preschool friends in front of the couch, took notice of his mommy holding the baby and ran over, holding his arms up, signaling that he wanted to be lifted.
Sonny swooped down and picked up the toddler, who reached out to his mother.
"Mommy!" he said. Amanda, knowing well that Noah was quickly becoming jealous, took Jessie back from Liv, who reached out to Sonny to pick up her own child.
Noah, who had simply wanted his mother to hold him because he didn't want her to be holding Jessie, quickly grew bored and left to play with his friends once more. The children, four young boys including Noah, entertained themselves until it was time for cake. Just after Liv showed Noah how to blow out the candles, the doorbell rang.
"Lieutenant Murphy! Come in, come in," Liv said, leaving Noah to cover himself in frosting. The former SVU commanding officer walked into the apartment holding a blue gift bag. He scanned the room for Amanda, but was unable to find her. Unbeknownst to him, she had disappeared to Liv's room to breastfeed Jessie.
"Thank you for having me, Lieutenant," he replied as he handed her the gift. She smiled and then glanced over to her son, whose face was covered in blue and green frosting. Although she usually would have been over immediately to clean him, she elected to let him have his fun as it was his birthday. He gave her a big blue-toothed smile and continued to make a mess of his cake, face, and hands.
Looking back to Lieutenant Murphy, Liv noticed that his face had fallen, albeit briefly.
"Everything okay, Lieutenant?" She asked.
"Declan, please," he said. "Noah's really grown," he steered, changing the subject. Liv noticed, but as a proud mother, she was not going to miss out on the chance to talk about her son.
"Yeah, he has," she said lovingly. "He learned the alphabet in preschool." Declan nodded as Olivia went on about her son, taking notice of—what was his name? Detective Carrus? Cranks? Something like that.
He finished up his small talk with Olivia and made his way over to the grown man entertaining all the toddlers.
"Detective," he said, extending his hand. Sonny looked up from the red headed child he had been playing with.
"Lieutenant Murphy, nice to see you," he said, grabbing his hand. Declan had two thoughts at this time: One: This detective remembered his name, but he could not for the life of him remember the detective's, and two: The unknown detective made no reference to when Declan had pistol whipped him.
"How's it going? You still working on that ring in Serbia?" Sonny asked.
"Let's just say that the job's never over," Declan responded. Declan wasn't good at small talk. Or talk. He was what some might call "a man of action." Sonny was not.
"So what brings you here?" he asked.
"Just a break, you know? Had some free time," he responded, looking around the room. He still hadn't seen Amanda, and he came to the conclusion that she simply was not there.
"Yeah, I'd love to have some of that," Sonny joked, turning his gaze to the hallway leading to Liv's room, as he had just heard a door close.
"Sonny, I think we'd better get going," Amanda said, not looking up while she stroked Jessie's hair. Jessie was peacefully sucking her thumb and wearing pink and yellow footsie pajamas that Sonny had bought for her.
"Hello, Amanda," Declan said. It felt strange, intrusive, but he knew that he had to say something while she was still there.
Amanda's head snapped up before she repeated the same words she had used when Declan flew out to figure out whether he was Jessie's father, "Declan! What are you doing here?"
"Can we talk in private?" he responded. Amanda glanced at Sonny, who nodded in ascent.
"Come on, it's quiet in the hall," Amanda responded. She led Declan into the hallway outside of Olivia's apartment.
Once they were alone, Declan fell silent. He had pictured this scene in his mind over and over, but the words didn't come.
It was only Jessie that broke the awkward tension. She began babbling and subsequently pulling on her mother's hair, her favorite toy.
"Oh, let me . . ." Declan trailed off, pulling Amanda's hair out of their daughter's reach. Their daughter.
She was so beautiful. Lucky for her, Declan thought, That she looked just like her mother and nothing like him.
"Her name is Jessie," Amanda said.
Jessie. The name floated around in Declan's head. He had never expected to have a child—and now he did. Her name was Jessie.
"You won't be here for long, will you?" Amanda asked.
"No," he said truthfully, "I won't. I came here because I figured you must have given birth by now."
Of course she had. When she had last saw him, she was seven months pregnant. Now Jessie was almost four months old.
"Declan," Amanda began, mulling over her words, "If you want to have a relationship with Jessie, you need to commit. It's not good for either of you, you popping in and out of her life," she said. The words hurt her as they left her mouth, but she knew she needed to protect her daughter.
But there was too much to say, too much to decide, too much to figure out. They would need time to discuss this, and the hallway outside Liv's apartment was not the place.
"I know," he said, "I know."
"So?" she asked, hope seeping into her voice. She desperately wanted Jessie to have a good, dedicated father. Someone who would love her and protect her as much as she, her mother, did.
"I have to be back in Serbia by the end of the week," he said. "There are so many children I need to protect."
Amanda felt her heart break. She had not expected anything more. Declan was a good man, and a good officer. He wanted to protect everyone around him. But although he was Jessie's father, he would never truly be her dad.
Amanda wanted to say that she understood, and at a time, she would have—but that was before Jessie. Before she became a mother, and was blessed by the best thing in her life.
So she said nothing.
The silence was met by more babbling from Jessie.
"Declan, Jessie is still your daughter. I can send you pictures if you want them . . ."
"I don't know if that's the best idea, Amanda," he responded. "Someone could find them, they could go after you, or her . . ."
They had entered into a habit of not finishing their sentences.
"Okay," Amanda said, although she wondered if maybe he didn't want pictures so he could distance himself.
They sat in silence for a few more minutes as Declan took in the sight of their daughter.
"Maybe we should rejoin the party," Declan suggested.
"I think that's a good idea," Amanda said.
When Sonny took Amanda back home at the end of the party, he lingered. Amanda, of course, didn't mind. He had come to be quite familiar with her apartment, and she with his presence there.
"Everything okay?" he asked. He had formulated some theories, but wasn't about to intrude. Unless Amanda opened the door.
"Declan is Jessie's father," Amanda responded as she took hold of the baby monitor.
This was, in fact, the very theory that Sonny had constructed.
"I see," he said. "Does—does he want custody?"
Amanda cracked a sad smile as he posed his sweet, concerned question. In a way, even though that scenario would be an uphill battle, she wished it were true. At least that way, she would know that Jessie had a father who loved her.
"No," she exhaled, "He doesn't really want to be involved in Jessie's life. I mean, I think he does, but he'd choose working thousands of miles away over her."
"Amanda, you love Jessie enough for a million fathers. And so do I," Sonny said, wrapping his arm around her waist.
And I love you, Amanda thought. And I love you.
A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update, thanks for hanging in there guys! I love reading all the supportive reviews, and there will be less time between this chapter and the next one then there was between these last two.
Also: Send me your requests/prompts! PM or reviews are fine for this!