Back on the Normandy...
"Here we go again," Garrus Vakarian muttered at his blinking console. An urgent message was waiting. He knew better than to expect good news, so that left the "more work for you, Garrus" option, or a "still no news, Vakarian" or perhaps even a "hey Garrus, I need your help for a minute." And nothing ever took only a minute. He didn't mind taking a break or two from calibrations when it was Shepard doing the asking...especially if she didn't have work in mind...but he wouldn't let his thoughts stray in that direction. Shepard was out on a short recon mission, not here in the Battery. And she was probably elbow-deep in sand and abandoned ruins at the moment. Not exactly an environment conducive to romance.
He tapped the playback key. To his surprise, Engineer Daniels's voice greeted him. Not so much to his surprise, she was calling to ask him for something. Gabby's message was vague on that point, instructing him to call her back for "details." She sounded almost gleeful. Uh-oh. Hopefully she wasn't expecting him to make good on the money he owed her from last week's game of Skyllian Five. (One of these days he was going to have to ask Shepard how on earth Gabby and Ken managed to be so awful at bluffing and yet walk away with the pot every time. Maybe they were working together, under the table...? Hmm.)
Well, he might as well see what the engineer had up her sleeve. He buzzed Gabby's console and prepared to wait for a response.
The fact that she answered immediately was not exactly reassuring.
"Oh, hey Garrus! Thanks for getting back to me so quickly."
"Sure," he rumbled. "What's the emergency?"
He could almost hear her grin. "Actually, I had a favor to ask of you."
"Yeah?"
"It's, uh," she paused, and he heard a shift in the microphone as she undoubtedly looked around to make sure neither Donnelly nor Adams were listening, "it's about...well, I just thought you should go up and talk to Joker."
Well, whatever he'd been expecting, that wasn't it. "Can it wait for a bit? I'm—"
She cut in, still speaking in a stage whisper. "No, no, it needs to be now, before the Commander gets back from her mission. Just trust me on this one."
Truth be told, he didn't exactly want to go have a chat with the prickly pilot in the middle of a mission. Shepard would have some choice words for him if he couldn't manage to get even a little bit of real work done while she was off-ship.
Gabby must have felt the hesitation in his extended pause, because she added, "You owe me, mister. Remember that stunt with Legion last week?"
Garrus winced. He hadn't outright asked the engineers for tips about increasing the Normandy's efficiency; it had been more of a wink-wink, nudge-nudge, "help the turian show that not all organics are worthless at hacking" sort of thing. But Gabby had definitely been instrumental. "Yeah, I remember. Alright. What should I be trying to get out of him?"
"Oh, nothing like that," Gabby said. "Just, you know, talk about guy stuff. Relationships. I dunno, whatever comes to mind."
"Uh-huh." Like hell she was calling in a favor for him to make small talk. His detective senses were tingling. "And uh, what specifically should I be focusing on? The weather? Citadel gossip?"
She made a little irritated sound, probably while rolling her eyes. "No, I mean...come on, you're not blind, you have to have noticed what's going on with him and EDI."
Maybe he needed to calibrate his detective senses. "What, that they're slightly-less-aggressive bitter rivals? What am I missing here, Daniels?"
A soft sigh—almost a laugh—carried through the headset. "Okay, let me spell it out for you—they're interested in each other; you know, romantically."
"Mm. And you need me to talk to Joker about this, why?"
"Because you're the only guy on the ship who's in a stable relationship right now. Well, relatively stable."
Garrus ignored that last muttered sentence. "What's that got to do with Joker's, erm, love life?"
"Not just him, both of them," Gabby said, urgently. "EDI's too shy to make a move, if she even knows how..."
Wait. EDI? Shy? The AI who liked to think she was subtle about offering relationship "advice"? Was Gabby even on the same ship as Garrus and the rest of the crew?
"...and Joker's just too gosh-darn dense to see that she likes him," Gabby finished. "I tried to talk to EDI, but I don't think I helped much. Ken was no help, as usual; he's so hopeless with women. And you know that Joker wouldn't listen to anything resembling advice from me. I was hoping that talking to you might...I dunno, do him some good. Maybe give him a push in the right direction."
"Eh, why not. I could use a good stretch anyway." Garrus pushed away from the console, rolling his shoulders. He spared a moment to wonder why Gabby was so interested in EDI and Joker's relationship, but held his tongue. A turian didn't live to be his age without learning that some questions were better left unasked. Especially when they involved tech-savvy females.
"Oh good. Thanks so much, Garrus," Gabby gushed. "Don't tell Joker I sent you, okay?"
"Of course," he said smoothly; he knew the drill. It might be a little trickier hiding his motives from—well, the ship itself—but he'd give it a try. Joker, at least, was pretty easily sidetracked by a bad joke or two. And thanks to Shepard, Garrus had a never-ending supply of those.
-0-0-0-
Joker didn't turn when Garrus stepped into the cockpit. That wasn't unusual; Garrus's habit of wearing full armor full-time had become a well-known quirk by that point, and even the newest crewmembers had stopped jumping whenever Garrus clanked into a room. Joker, however, usually had a snarky comment about a rearview mirror or all-seeing AIs prepared. He was pretty predictable.
But no, nothing. Maybe he'd dozed off. They were practically docked, after all, which didn't leave much for the pilot to do in the meantime. Garrus shuffled forward a few steps, until he was nearly hovering over the pilot's chair. "Sleeping on the job again, Moreau? And here I thought you were better than that."
"Pssh," came the response. The chair half-turned around. Joker was slumped backward, one headphone in, arms lolling over the armrests. His eyes looked a bit odd. Sunken. "Not all of us get to sleep on the job, Mister I-Have-A-Door-To-My-Office."
"Well, not all of us get to watch holo-vids on company time, either." He made a show of looking Joker up and down. "And to think, you're the best the Alliance has got?" He shook his head in mock sorrow. "Guess we're doomed. I'll have to break the bad news to Shepard when she gets back."
"That's bullshit and you know it," Joker shot back, but he sat up a little straighter and tossed his earpiece aside. "I listen to music to help me concentrate. I know you turians probably have some sort of mantra or meditation or whatever to help you focus, but we poor puny humans have to rely on 'external stimuli'"—he enclosed this in finger-quotes—"when we want to relax."
Garrus snorted. "We turians don't need to relax. We're one-hundred percent aware of our surroundings at all times. Literally. Even when we're asleep."
That got a chuckle. "Somehow I doubt that the Commander would complain so much about your snoring if that was true."
"No, no," he said, injecting a little too much earnestness into his tone, "it's a little-known fact. I shouldn't even be telling you this. The Primarch would have my head."
Joker peered at him curiously. "What's really going on? Shepard tell you to spy on me or something?"
"Uh, no. Just needed to stretch, that's all. On my way back from the mess."
"Man, there is no freaking way you can call me a bad navigator when you get lost on the way back from your refrigerator. Especially since it's, what, ten feet from your front door?" He raised an eyebrow. Garrus decided to study a fascinating piece of blinky machinery on the wall. The pilot grinned. "Thanks for checking up on me, big guy. But really, I'm fine."
"Riiight," Garrus drawled. "Like I haven't heard that one before."
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Joker rolled his eyes, flopping back in his chair and letting it drift slowly around on its axis. "But it's not like we don't all have our little psychoses. I mean, c'mon. This is war. If you're not worried about something, you're an idiot."
"Or living on the Citadel," the turian snorted.
Joker laughed. "Heh. You got that right. Just don't tell Shepard, or she'll lecture you about how 'having hope is a good thing,' and good luck trying to explain how ignoring your problems doesn't make 'em go away."
Garrus secretly agreed. But with EDI's (and therefore Shepard's) eyes and ears all over the ship, he didn't want it to get out that he'd gone along with Joker's teasing. It was safer to just say nothing.
The chair squeaked as Joker pushed one foot against his console. He'd turned to face the eastern window, which was currently showing a lovely vignette of the muddy-brown planet below. It didn't escape Garrus's notice that, had EDI been in her customary seat, she might have blocked the view.
He was turning to leave—might as well try to get something useful done before Shepard got back—when Joker spoke.
"How do you do it?"
Garrus stopped. Turned. "Do what?"
Joker was still, his expression closed. "How do you just wait? How do you just sit on your hands during missions," he gestured vaguely, "when you know she's out there, facing death head-on?"
Ah, so that was what all this was about. Engineer Daniels had had Joker scoped and dropped. Garrus really shouldn't have been surprised.
He leaned one armored shoulder against the bulkhead. Together the two men stared at the ugly, barren landscape below. "Well, I can tell you one thing. It sure as hell doesn't get any easier."
"Great. Yeah. That was exactly what I wanted to hear, thanks." The bitterness in his tone fell flat, masked as it was by obvious worry.
"You asked. And anyway, we all knew the risks when we signed up for this job."
"I know, I know." Joker sighed. "Doesn't mean I can't hope for an early retirement."
"Heh. Don't let Shepard hear you say that. I think she secretly loves the thrill of battle."
"Pfft—yeah, right! Have you seen your girlfriend out there? She strikes fear into the hearts of her enemies. And friends. And pretty much everyone else." Joker glanced over. "Except for you, apparently."
"I don't know," Garrus said, mandibles flaring in an evil grin, "she doesn't mind acting a little scary if I ask nicely."
Joker flapped his hands as if to banish the mental image. "Oh man, TMI, I did not need to hear that. Ew."
Garrus was pleased to think that maybe he'd picked up some of Shepard's people skills after all. But even though he was kind of on a roll, he really did have to get back to work. He cleared his throat. "Listen, I, uh..."
"Look, I know you've got work to do," Joker interrupted, glancing over. "Don't let me keep you." A genuine smile softened the words. "And I mean, it's kinda weird to see you without Shepard hanging around, but if you ever need some 'guy time'...feel free to stop by."
"Sure." Garrus turned to leave, meandering back through the nearly-empty CIC.
He was halfway through another set of calculations when the screaming started.
-0-0-0-
Author's Note:
Sorry to leave y'all on another cliffhanger, but never fear—I promised fluff, and I will deliver! ...eventually!
As slow of a writer as I am, I can't promise to stick to a schedule with this fic. But I will say that I've got a plan, and that I'm already working on the next part. Thanks for reading, and extra thanks to those who followed/favorited/reviewed. I really appreciate the feedback. :)