A/N:
There have been some issues with FanFiction for the last few days and update messages haven't been going out. It is really important that you have read chapter 31 that I put up 2 days ago, before reading this one, so if you haven't read it, please go back and do so, for your own sake.
Don't look down, go back and read chapter 31 first :)
.
In the meantime, thank you everyone for reading and reviewing. Thank you guests, remember if you have a question either pm me or log in and have your settings allowing responses. Thank you to the magnificent other writers that inspire me every day. Thank you to everyone that supports me. It is all very much appreciated as a first time writer and human being with feelings.
.
Christian's POV
She pulls my lips back to hers and pressures me to open up to her and just at our deepest, her phone rings and she pulls away to look at it. She looks at it and then looks at the door where I can see Kate and she squares her shoulders and says something I am sure she has never said. "Hi Kate, now's not a good time, I'll call you later." There's a small pause where I can see the shock on Kate's face and then Ana says "Thank you, you can leave it with Taylor ….yes I'm fine…no, nothing's gotten into me, I am just dealing with something more important…. Sorry that sounded bad, but no, I don't have time right now…. Well actually it is a case of life and death and ….. oh for fuck's sake Kate, I'm sorry. Thank you. I have to go" and she hangs up. The look of total shock on Kate's face is priceless, I don't think Ana has ever stood up to her but her glare at me is pure poison. "You know she's blaming me" I say quietly and she whips her phone back to her ear and says "And Kate, this has nothing to do with Christian, this is me talking, I need to sort a lot of things out and if I don't figure it out today, I will have to deal with mom again and I just can't, I need Christian's help to fix things for me" and at that I see Kate nod, her shoulders relax and she actually smiles at me.
"Well, she doesn't need to know what we're talking about but she was pretty mad at Carla last night so I thought I'd use it" Ana says with a shrug and I beam at her, my soft little kitten has claws and she knows how to use them but only when really needed….. "Seriously Ana, I need smart people like you at GEH, you can take a negative and make it positive, you understand money and you are damn good at reading a situation". Her response is a simple smile and a "Not happening Grey!" and I think my mouth may just have popped open because she gently lifts my chin.
"Ok, what did I trigger" she says and I add to her list of characteristics, "Smart", "Tenacious", "Good memory"
"If I tell you my life story in summary, the bit I missed out of the interview, then hopefully this situation we find ourselves in will all be explained. Are you ready?" I ask, I'd rather be anywhere else but I know I have to do this and so I take a deep breath and she places her hand on my thigh and gives me a gentle squeeze.
"I told you about life until age 4, the police found me at the house with the crack-whore's body, I was taken to hospital as I was malnourished and dehydrated, Grace was the doctor on duty and took a liking to me and decided they wanted to adopt me, they had already adopted Elliot so didn't have to wait long for the adoption to come through although I did spend a couple of months in a foster home." I hate thinking about this part of my life.
"I was a tough kid to deal with, I didn't speak and I didn't let anyone, even Grace touch me and I have never let anyone touch me, I can tolerate shaking hands and very little else, there are some areas that I don't mind being touched as long as no-one lingers" and I pause and shake my head as if to clear it "Except for you, I can hold you and it doesn't affect me, in fact, it feels right, that makes you special above everyone else, I have never been able to hug anyone other than my sister Mia, well she hugs me but I don't hold her. I can hold you and it doesn't hurt, it just feels right. Back to Mia, she was adopted when I was 6 and I still hadn't spoken, my first word that Grace ever heard was "Mia", she's a force of nature and a bundle of energy and she drew me out of myself, I hope you'll like her, even though she can be a bit much, she has a good heart."
"Anyway, childhood was fine until I became a teenager, then my desire to be touched but my repulsion or absolute fear at being touched came head to head and I would instigate or not walk away from fights."
Ana cocks her head and says "So that you could feel some sort of touch?" and I have to sadly nod and say "You can imagine a teenage boy full of hormones wanting to be "touched" in a special way and too scared to interact with a girl because every girl wants to touch your body and wants to hold hands or hug and I can't do that, still can't, well, except with you."
"Anyway, one day one of mom's friends asked if I could come over to do yard work and my parents thought that since I'd been expelled from a couple of schools that perhaps I'd be able to use up some of that steam doing heavy work and I was happy to go. This is where my life took a track that ended yesterday with a spectacular crash that has just blown apart my entire family and quite possibly everything in my life, to not be too dramatic. It's the reason you haven't seen my mother or brother or father here today. Can I get you a drink?" "Oh for god's sake Christian, stop prevaricating, I don't need a drink I need to know what has happened" she says through gritted teeth.
"I'm not prevaricating, I came to a realisation 2 days ago that has taken me 12 years to realise and so am still working through it, so please bear with me. Back to the original story, I was 15, I went to do yard work at the Lincolns, Elena has been a friend of the family and most particularly my mom since I was a little kid and I made some sort of smart remark when she brought out some lemonade, she slapped me then kissed me and told me to come back the next day. It shocked the crap out of me but she gave me what I couldn't get anywhere else, a horny teenager with sex on tap and she didn't touch me except where she knew from mom that I could be touched.
For the rest of the summer that I worked in their yard, she introduced me quickly to being her submissive in a BDSM relationship, I'd do anything to get the sex and she would hurt me if I didn't get my grades up, if I fought with anyone, if I drank and that summer I had started drinking heavily to try and cope with everything and I was one step away from starting to take drugs, she would hit me and hit me hard, she controlled my life and showed me how I could control myself and in return she gave me sex." Then I look at Ana she looks horrified but thankfully it doesn't look like it's at me and I pull her back into my side and she says "But you were just a boy Christian, did she use information that Grace would have told her as a friend?" and as I nod, she says "Oh poor Grace, she must be shattered that she fed you to a lion" and I nod "When did she find out?" and I say "Last night, Mom, Dad and Elliot all found out last night" and she gasps "OMG, so this is all raw for everyone, what did you realise two days ago?"
I think I pale because I feel faint and I say, "Can I keep going with my story first and then you see how this has all happened and my life as I knew it completely unravelled?" and she nods but looks up at me and into my eyes like she is trying to see something, she doesn't say anything but tightens the hand that is resting on my thigh.
"She kept me on an extremely tight leash, no pun intended and so I was her submissive for 3 years until I came to a realisation that I needed control, that I needed to be in control and my whole life I had lacked that control so then I became her Dom and that lasted until I was 21. Then and I'm sorry, this is the bit that upsets me and will probably upset you." And there is a catch in her voice when she says "Let me be a judge of what upsets me, I wish I could put my hands on that bitch"
So I continue "After I stopped being her Dom, I started going to BDSM clubs but as my reputation as a businessman rocketed, I couldn't do that anymore so Elena stayed in my life, organised subs for me, I appreciated her assistance and helped her with her business finance and running it. It seemed like she was the only person that had faith in me when I dropped out of Harvard and she lent me the $100,000 seed money I needed to start the business. I paid her back quickly and then thanked her by investing in the beauty salon chain she runs. We'd meet once a week and given how busy I am, it was my one 'non-business' thing I did except for some rare sailing and flying. Please don't look at me like that, yes, I am an idiot but I only worked this out two nights ago." And she hits my thigh, "I don't think you're an idiot, that pedophile groomed your family, then you, took you at 15 and warped your sense of worth until she knew exactly how to control you and I bet she always found girls that were a particular type and then had them on a rotation for you that she controlled, she's been controlling you for years. What?" and I don't know what my face is saying but this little 21 year old girl, just a college student has figured it all out. Here am I, supposedly the master of figuring out a person's motivation and making the best of it and I just didn't get it. She gently lifts my chin again, so I guess my jaw had literally dropped. "You're a bright guy who can read people in business, you weren't trying to read yourself, you didn't look in the mirror and analyse your life. What about your expensive charlatan, why didn't he hold up the mirror so that you could read yourself?"
"I guess, I didn't want to see it or couldn't see the link" and she turns my face so that I look at her, "Did you figure out another link this afternoon?" she asks gently gesturing towards the bathroom and I respond with "Yes, I did. Are you sure you're a Lit Major? You could have a psych major without even trying and I could give you a list of names of therapists that you would be able to put out of business. I can hear it now, "Paging Dr Steele"".
I could look at her all day, the gorgeous eyes that now look so troubled, the lips that are just made for kissing but I know I have to continue. "If we get back to this horrid bedside story, 'The train wreck that is the personal life of Christian Grey', all the girls were small statured, long brown haired girls with green eyes – do you want to guess why?" and she asks with a shudder "They all look like this bitch-troll Elena?" and I say, "No, Elena is a platinum blonde" and she looks at me horrified "Is that the woman that tried to get in here" and as I nod she says "I knew she was pure evil, was that the night you realised that she had been controlling you?" and as I nod amazed she says "Well, at least that's one piece of the puzzle solved! Fucking bitch what the hell was she going to do to me? Anyway, back to your story, I don't know, why did all the girls look… hang on, why did they all look like me? Oh god, is that why you like me" and I can see her rapidly attempting to not shut down and I say quickly "You promised, please hear me out." And she takes a huge breath and immediately grabs her side, "Please don't do that" I plead gently rubbing her back and she just looks at me with the tears rimming and nods, with a whisper says "I promise".
"When I picked you up off the floor on Monday and saw your eyes, your hair, your stature and the fact that through the whole interview you kept acting submissive, all "yes sir", "no sir", I don't deny that I thought I'd like you as a submissive but it was more than that, even from the beginning it was more than that, did you feel the spark?. You have to believe me, even when I was thinking about asking you to be my sub, it didn't feel right because you weren't part of the scene, I've never had anything else but I was obsessed by you, I didn't get any work done after you left and I was determined to pursue you. I don't know how I was going to do that but then Katherine rang." I look at her begging her to believe me and not shut me down. She gives a bit of a shake of her head, looks at me and gives a tiny, tight but reassuring smile as if to say, "Ok keep going" so I do.
"Why the type? I know you're dying to ask, well apparently the link I made earlier that you were asking about was that I seem to like to hit brown haired girls that looked like my crack whore mother, for my sexual gratification, apparently just like the pimp used to hit her, the pimp that I have despised all my life. I am so many shades of fucked up that 50 shades doesn't even cover it!" and I put my head in my hands and look down, feeling that this is what will break us. I can't look at her, she has withdrawn her hand from my thigh and I can hear that she is trying to breathe through some sort of emotion but I dare not look at her in case I see complete and utter disgust.
She starts singing a song quietly and I look at her, I'm horrified to hear it is Stooshe's "Black Heart"
I don't like it when you break me honey
Why'd you have to do that?
Tell me when you'll make these tears keep falling
Do you feel like a man?
Figure, figure there's no working you out whatsoever
Only one way I can sum you up altogether
You got a black heart
Daddy I've fallen for a monster
Somehow he's scaring me to death
He's big and he's bad
I love him like mad
Momma, he's the best I ever had
Daddy I've fallen for a monster
He's got a black heart
"I wish I had my guitar. Christian, is that how you see yourself? Do you see yourself as a monster with a black heart?" and she looks directly at me. I nod, horrified that she has pegged me so perfectly, so correctly and she says "Well, your life is pretty fucked up but somehow, I know it's not true. You would never have been like you have been with me if that was the case, if you were a monster with a black heart. You don't have a black heart... but just so you know, take out a belt anywhere near me and I can't guarantee where your balls might end up." And somehow I know that the kitten sitting as close to my lap as I can get her would be more than up to the task of relieving me of my prized appendages.
She hasn't thrown me out yet though so I decide to continue. "There's more and this is where our lives have started to intertwine without either of us knowing that we had a connection. A bit over 2 years ago, I had a short BDSM relationship with Cecilia Morton" and I feel her stiffen and with an arctic voice she says "My stepsister for a while, was she organised by Elena Lincoln?" then as I nod, I watch her as her eyes flick around as she's thinking and then she looks green "Oh my god Christian, she's also a friend of Carla's, I knew I recognised her name, Christian I need a bin, I'm going to be sick. Elena tried to set my mom up with you as well didn't she?" When I nod she is sick into the bin, it's interesting that we both have had the same reaction to this snippet of information. I gently rub her back as she holds her head in her hands and go to get her brush and toothpaste and then she whips her head back around towards me.
"Oh my god Christian, did Cecilia run me off the road? Was it her?" and as I nod she says "So you've been blaming yourself for this accident because she was your sub?" and I nod "Well don't, she's tried to kill me at least twice before." And I nod and say "I know" and I think I'm going to give her whiplash because her face whips back around to me. "Ana, I am a man of considerable means and my security team is one of the best in the country, as soon as we found the car we knew it was Cecilia's and soon after that she attacked Mrs Jones in the garage at my home and my security team detained her.
From there we started searching back to see what link she could possibly have had to you, just so you know, it IS my fault that you are here. Don't argue! Cecilia had been hanging around my life for the previous two weeks like a shadow and upsetting my security staff because they couldn't catch who it was that was trying to get into my house and my offices. Anyway, what we can figure is that she was waiting trying to catch me and then she knew (because Elena had told her) that I have a "type" and that none of my employees are brunettes and so when she saw you, she thought you must have been a sub that had come in for an interview and so was determined to stop you and then she recognised you and decided to try and…." And she squeezes my hand, I hadn't even realised she was holding it and then she turns my head and lifts up her face and says "but you saved me. How did you find me? I have been a bit scared to ask."
I can't believe it, she just seems to have accepted everything I said and just wants to know how I found her "I tracked your phone once Katherine called. There are lots of other things we can do but importantly we can go back and track a lot of things and find things out that many people can't and that was when I found out that you had been stabbed" and she sucks in her breath "Cecilia confirmed that was her by the way to John Flynn the other day." She curls further into me and says softly "I hate Halloween now and will hide in my house when it used to be one of my favourite celebrations. Not only that but the rib that broke and punctured my lung in the accident is the one that was broken when I was stabbed, so she nearly finished off what she'd started years ago because it was weakened."
My chest hurts but I have to keep going, "I also found about the other hospital visits and I have to tell you that as soon as I read that you had been caned by Stephen Morton I removed all such things from my playroom and now with the belts that you mentioned and what I realised today, I think I might get rid of it all, I don't ever want to use it again." And I feel the shiver as she asks "Would you use it on me?" and I respond with "You need to understand that all subs agreed to everything I ever did, it was always set out in a contract and in truth it was a contractual arrangement, it was never a romantic involvement. I would never do anything to you that you did not enjoy and without your agreement but I need to discuss us and whatever this is" and I wave my hand between the two of us.
She looks at me, "When you came back in after Ray left, you were all distant on me, what happened? You made me feel like I had done something wrong" and I groan and say "Ana, I am not good at this relationship stuff because I have never had a relationship, I kept everyone including family at arms-length until I was a teenager, then Elena got her hooks into me and kept them there until two days ago, and she made sure that I never became close to anyone. So this morning I came to the conclusion that you were simply reacting as a Stockholm Syndrome sufferer" she gasps but I continue "Well, consider it, you are basically being held captive here and I saved you" and she says "Seriously for a really smart guy, you really are an idiot!" but her eyes are dancing and she says "No Stockholm Syndrome here buster, I like you and you'd better get used it unless you want to get rid of me" and I tighten my arm around her, "I said, I'm not going anywhere but you are going to have to get used to me not having a clue about anything that "normal" people do in relationships, you are going to have to teach me and I am going to stuff up. I have anger issues and I am going to apologise now in advance."
"As long as you don't hit me, we're all good" she says and snuggles into me. It feels so right.
"Well, if we're all good, I've got something for you" I say and walk to the door.