Christian's POV
That's it, seriously! I am locking my door and asking Taylor to not let anyone into my apartment, I just want to kiss my girl. Is that too much to ask?!
What's worse is that it's killing me that I still haven't kept her safe in my own apartment, I've managed to keep external forces away from her and she goes and sabotages her own health supposedly to let me sleep but I think it's more than that, I'm sure it's more than that. What is it? What is she doing? I find her phone and turn it on so that it will be ready as soon as I give it to her and it starts pinging away with all the missed messages, I am glad she turned it off yesterday so that she rested but I am so tempted to check who the messages are from, whether there are any males in amongst them all but I refrain and simply pass it to her with a smile and escort my mom out to give her some privacy.
It's as I walk back downstairs that it hits me, she's trying to take back some sort of control in her life, I hope she doesn't draw away from me in her desire to do so. I want to be a part of her recovery selfishly for my sake as well as hers. I don't want her to try to do it all alone; I don't want her to have to do anything alone anymore.
It's almost like I have said it out loud as Mom says softly "If she doesn't keep doing things like what she did this morning, she will get better faster and you two can get on with sharing all the wonderful things you can do together." I nod, I've never shared experiences with anyone other than my family but now all I want to do is share my world with Ana, let her experience things she's never done, taste things she has never been able to afford, show her places she's never seen and feel things she's never felt.
I say quietly "She has to learn to trust me, sadly she hasn't had any reason to trust anyone since the age of five except for Ray, she's always had to rely on herself and it's her go-to position, so I think she is trying to wrest control back until she can. Mom, I can't let her down, I know what it's like to not have control in your life, I reacted by not talking because that was something I could control, I can't let her do anything like that to herself. I might need your help along the way" and she nods her head, smiles at me and pats my hand, not trusting herself to speak.
Having made sure that Mom is comfortable and chatting to Gail and nurse Melanie, I make my way back to my room, hoping that Ana has had time to answer her calls and I hear her say "Don't say that, he has been protecting me since the minute he found me. How could you say that? His security is the reason I am here now and safe. No, I will not hear it….. Love you, see you soon." And my blood boils, I am sure that was Kate and her meddling ways and I cross the room to get to Ana and she simply turns to me, two bright spots on her cheeks, tears in her eyes and I can't move fast enough to crush her to me until her breathing calms again and eventually, she removes her face from the crook of my neck.
There are no tears but the expression on her face cuts me to the quick, "Are you ok baby? What's happened?" and she just shakes her head and buries her face again. I gently lift her face back up "Tell me. You don't need to do this by yourself anymore. I want to be there next to you, helping you, please don't lock me out" and she shudders.
With a faltering voice she says "What am I going to tell Kate? I can't be making out nothing happened, like I have for the last four years because with my mom in custody, it's all going to come out and I am going to be a freak show." She looks so sad, closing down into herself she finally continues in a whisper "and what about everyone else? I already haven't seen Jose since this happened, Christian I've never wanted to be in the limelight and especially for this sort of reason and you don't deserve this either, because of me."
"Christian and Ana, will you two please stop blaming yourselves. Neither of you have done anything wrong." Comes from the doorway and I snap my head up.
John Flynn's POV
"Christian, I have read everything you sent me explaining Ana's situation and I know your side of it. Both of you are victims of other peoples actions. You both know about their actions now, you need to work through your betrayals but you need to move forward. Blaming yourselves doesn't help that process" I say, it's not normal for me to be so direct to Christian but lack of sleep is decreasing my filter and I wonder how Christian managed to work on so little sleep for all these years.
I glare at both of them and am even a little annoyed that Christian looks so well rested, "How long did you sleep last night Christian?" and he looks surprised.
"I actually slept for at least 6 hours, I think it might be the most I have ever slept and.." Christian looks at me with awe, "I just realised, I didn't have a nightmare. My god, Ana, you are a miracle, I slept for 6 hours and didn't have a nightmare, that's never happened and it's because of you" he smiles happily at her and then I am floored by her response.
"I'm sorry Christian, because of me you are so exhausted" she says sadly.
"No, no" he rushes to correct her "No honey, it doesn't matter how much I work, how exhausted I am, I never sleep more than 4 hours a night and I wake up with a nightmare every night, some really bad and some just enough to wake me but I don't ever remember sleeping that long. I don't know what it is about you, every time I have fallen asleep next to you, whether it was in the hospital or here, I haven't had a nightmare. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, please believe that."
"What about you Ana, did you have the nightmare last night?" I ask, now intrigued because Christian has told me about the horrid nightmares that she was having in the hospital and the incident with the nurses.
In a hushed voice she says "No, I had that one before you came to bed but after that, no I slept through until just before the dawn" and she stops with a guilty look at Christian.
Christian grimaces and softly squeezes her hand and looks at me and says "I am hoping that Ana agrees to work with you about learning to trust me and giving up just a bit of control, trusting me to look out for her too so she doesn't do things like she did this morning that are going to set back her recovery."
I look at Ana who looks like she is going to huff and then I see her shoulders sag as it appears that Christian's words are sinking in and she won't look at me but she gives a small nod. Hmm, it appears I need some background on what happened today but I can understand her reticence at letting anyone in after reading her information.
"Well Christian, unlike the two of you, I haven't been sleeping because we have been working overtime trying to compile the cases against Mrs Lincoln and Stephen Morton"
Christian cuts me off with "Shit, how is Macy? I've been meaning to ask" his eyes and body language indicating his true concern for that poor boy.
"He's in hospital at the moment and your mother has been assigned to look after him. I don't know if you know but your parents have petitioned to foster him on his release from hospital" and at my statement, Christian draws a deep breath and I watch him struggle for control and it ends with a release of his breath, a shaky hand across his brow and worried eyes looking at me.
"I guess it's the best option isn't it? They've already dealt with a fucked up youth and I have contributed to Macy's damage so I'll help as much as I can." I watch as Ana reaches over and gently squeezes his hand and his jaw relaxes just a little.
In a quiet voice which is surprisingly strong, Ana exclaims "You know we'll both help don't you? It might be easier for him to relate to us because we're closer in age and know a little of what he has gone through, Christian obviously but I can help as well. And Christian, there's no way I am letting you do this by yourself since somehow you are making it about you and something that you've done which is just codswallop, seriously! Elena Lincoln is the bitch that has done all this, you didn't even know about Macy until yesterday or the day before and you didn't know she was still messing with young boys, did you?" At his gobsmacked shake of his head, she continues with "Well, then we can help a poor boy that has ended up in her clutches without any more blame being heaped on your soul. You're not a monster and I don't know what I need to do to prove that to you."
I am amazed, this girl who doesn't know Macy at all, has obviously gone through a lot of trauma over the last few years is willing to reach out and help and here she is, not really knowing Christian at all, yet determined to make him see what everyone else but him can see. If there is anyone that can do it, I am sure it will be her, although I may well gain a new client in her as she tries to balance him out. I'm not the only one surprised though, Christian still hasn't regained his ability to speak and I can imagine that there aren't too many people in the world who would dare speak to him like that. Then I start wondering whether I am hallucinating because Christian instead of reacting with anger at her which is what I expected, actually laughs and turns to me and says "Here you go John, the one person in the world who has called me an idiot, a goose and now accused me of spouting codswallop and I haven't hit anything or anyone. I'd say that's progress wouldn't you?"
And I have to chuckle and agree, Ana is looking between us, assuming an inside joke and so Christian clarifies, illustrating with his hands "I may have a small anger issue that we have been working on. Apparently, you are good for me." And because it appears he really can't have enough of her, he leans in and kisses her sweetly as she smiles.
"What if you wake up one day and you're not angry anymore?" She says, "Will you feel like you have lost a piece of yourself or do you feel like you will have space for something else?" and he looks at her curiously and shakes his head.
"I said you shouldn't be a lit major, you really should do a psych major. I look forward to waking up and not feeling angry, I almost did this morning until I saw your little stunt….." and he almost growls at her, goodness, what did she do? And then he continues "Let's see what happens tomorrow morning, shall we? Will you promise to stay in bed?" and she blushes and nods. How on earth did she leave the bed in her shape? I guess I'll find out soon enough.
I hate to bring the mood back down as it is pleasant to be in Christian's company when he is this relaxed but I am actually here for a reason, "Ok, back to my original statement, I have spent the last couple of days compiling the cases against Mrs Lincoln and Stephen Morton" and sure enough the temperature in the room drops.
"Does Ana need to be here for this? Can she have breakfast and relax downstairs?" Christian says rather urgently and I know that he's trying to protect her but I need her input in relation to Stephen and Cecilia as I haven't had an opportunity to speak to her about them, I have only read what Christian has told me but I don't have an opportunity as Ana speaks up strongly.
"Since I haven't spoken to Dr Flynn about this, I think my input is required, Christian, I am strong, I can do this. I have to do this. I have to stop hiding and it's better to get used to getting it out. I am not hungry but do you mind if I have a cup of tea though?" And Christian is out the door calling for Gail without hesitation but when he returns he seems to somehow morph into her as he pulls her in as close as he can, his left arm around her shoulder and his right hand holding hers. It looks like he is trying to be a physical barrier to whatever hurt is going to occur from my questioning.
I smile at Ana's reaction when Gail appears with a plate of pancakes and toast, some juice and Ana's tea, I was wondering how Christian had let go of his food issues and realise it hasn't gone at Ana's gentle chiding of "Thank you, apparently 'not hungry' means a bigger than normal breakfast, I'd hate to see what 'hungry' would result in but let's not test that, I'll end up the size of a barn without any exercise and all this food."
Ok, Christian's anger issues aren't far below the surface as he warns her with a tense tone "You're too thin, your body doesn't have any fuel to heal itself, please eat" the girl is smart enough to realise that he isn't going to brook any argument but I think if she hadn't actually been hungry she would have baulked however, she shakes her head and applies herself to her breakfast, offering us both toast. I refuse but Christian accepts when it is obvious that she isn't going to eat until he does and then as he takes it resignedly, her face breaks into a huge grin and I know I am going to be entertained watching these two together. Christian is learning for the first time in his life that love can be fun and there are great rewards to accepting it.
Ana's POV
John Flynn leaves the room with a quick peck on my cheek and a squeeze of my hand saying "I'll see myself out" and Christian nods, waits until the door is shut and simply picks me up and holds me like he is never going to let me go.
Eventually I have to whisper, "Ribs" and he gasps as though I have stabbed him with a knife and releases me a little then drops his head onto my shoulder and whispers his apologies. I can't bear it and wriggle until he gets the idea to release my arms and I pull his face to me and gently so gently brush my lips against his. "Christian, we'll get through this. Together."
"How? How are you so brave? How do you manage to be such a beautiful person when all this horrid stuff has happened to you? I'm so worried about when all this is going to become too much" he says quietly, genuinely questioning as he looks into my eyes, like he will see the answer there. His urgent, indignant, upset "You don't deserve it, not one bit of it" hits me and all my defences crumble. As I try to hide my head in my hands, pressing my hands into my eyes to stop the flood, he realises that he just triggered the breakdown he was worried about. "Oh Ana, I'm so sorry, baby, I'm so sorry."
I can't breathe, the sobs too hard to breathe through, the ribs too sore and I just don't want to exist anymore, and while the walls are closing in on me, I am vaguely aware of Christian shifting me to reach his phone and then his urgent although almost whispered plea "I'm sorry John, I need you to come back, Ana's broken down." Then his arms are both back around me as he says "Breathe Ana, breathe, honey, you can do it, I'm here, no-one is ever going to hurt you again. No-one. Ever. Again."
And I still can't draw in the breath of air I need and in the back of my mind, I wonder if I will pass out, that would be bliss, to never wake up again and feel unloved. To never wake up and wonder who is going to hurt me today. To never wake up and feel everything is hurting because someone wanted me dead. To never wake up again from a nightmare where a masked face is trying to stab me or staring at green eyes laughing as I am trapped in a wreck.
"Ana, stay with me" finally filters through and then a desperate "Ana, I love you, you can do this, come back to me" I can't believe he said those three precious words and it shocks my system enough and finally I manage it, an inward breath that starts down in my stomach as those muscles relax and I feel the constriction in my throat easing as the air reaches my lungs. The deep breath though does something to my damaged lung and the broken rib seems to stick and I give in to the blackness as the searing pain envelopes me and the last thing I see are the tears running down Christian's face while he screams for his mother.