A/N: Sorry about Magnus. I've got an idea for another Malec fanfic if and when I finish this one. I don't want this one to end! On the other hand, we're actually having snow.
31: Alec
Magnus's relief to leave the court room only lasts a couple seconds. A mob of reporters has gathered outside to document the first neko cruelty case since Valentine was put away. One of them is actually calling out 'Mr. Bane!' over and over again.
"I have nothing to say to you, Camille, and you know exactly why," he spits, glaring in the direction of the voice.
Thankfully most of the reporters look to be inside. I don't wanna talk to any of them. I just wanna get Magnus home.
The universe apparently has other plans. My dad's waiting on the courthouse steps.
"Alexander, what exactly do you think you're doing with that thing?" he asks, his lip curling in disgust when he sees Magnus holding my hand.
"I think I'm gonna marry him," I reply.
"Really? I thought I taught you better than that."
He looks like he might punch me again. That's all it takes for Magnus to edge himself between us. He isn't growling, but his ears are pinned and his stump's twitching.
"Leave my fiance alone," Magnus warns.
Dad shoves Magnus hard onto the concrete. I leap between them.
"What's going on here?" a security guard demands, hustling down the steps.
"He attacked my fiance," I reply.
Once we get things settled, I take Mags home.
"If you're hungry, I can make you something to eat," I offer in the elevator.
"No, I'm fine," he mumbles.
He doesn't sound or look fine. He sounds down.
"Are you sure you're okay?" I ask.
"I don't know. Can I have some alone time?" he replies.
"Yeah, of course you can."
He's starting to worry me.
"Are you guys fighting?" Izzy asks when Magnus goes straight for our room.
"No. I think the adrenaline wore off. I don't think Dad threatening us made him feel any better," I reply.
"Dad was Ragnor's lawyer?" Jace asks.
"Yeah. Ragnor got twenty years for what he did. Dad attacked Magnus. Magnus got between us, and Dad shoved him down."
"Is Magnus okay?" Izzy asks.
"Physically, I think so. Otherwise, I don't know. He's got me worried."
Magnus doesn't come out all day. He doesn't want food. He's been crying, I think. He wants me to hold him. I wish I hadn't had him come to the trial.
He wakes up, screaming, around midnight. He lashes out at me when I wake him. Shaking, he stares at me with wide eyes as he realizes I'm not the psycho. I hate seeing him so scared.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," he whimpers.
"I know. Do you need to talk about it?" I reply gently, stroking his hand lightly.
"Flashback. How bad did I hurt you? I-I thought it was real, and I'm sorry. I love you."
"I'm fine. You never have to apologize for being scared. I love you more."
He's sleeping soundly when I wake up. He looks so cute! I let him sleep for a while.
Jace is making pancakes when I go in the kitchen.
"You look like crap," he informs me.
"Thanks. Are you doing okay with school?" I reply.
"Yeah, I am. I'm making straight-A's. And I might be going out with Clary tomorrow night."
"That's great! I'm proud of you. You're not helping her cheat on Sebastian, are you?"
"I'm not that much of a manwhore. She and Izzy are doing girl stuff again, so it's just us guys."
Magnus stays in our room until noon. He still looks very depressed.
"You okay?" I whisper when he sits down.
He shakes his head.
"I'll listen if you need to talk," I tell him, squeezing his hand gently.
He flinches when Jace swears at his video game.
"You're safe. I promise," I murmur.
"Yeah. Can I go to work with you when you start back?" he replies.
"Of course you can come visit. Just like always. Maybe we could go to Taki's on my lunch break one day?"
I hope he's okay by then.
"Okay," he replies, smiling.
The smile doesn't meet his sad eyes.
"Can I trust you guys alone?" I ask.
"I'm not gonna hurt the cat," Jace tells me, rolling his eyes.
Magnus nods brokenly.
I stride off to our bedroom and dig out one of my old school notebooks. I wanna show Magnus how special he is to me; it might make him feel better.
Remember how I told you I'd always love you? I still mean that. I don't know what's going on, but I want you to know I still care about you. I always will. I never expected us to talk about marriage, and I'll be more than happy to say 'I do'. If you need professional help to get through this, I'll support you the entire way. I love you more than anything else in the world, no matter what my parents think. I'm sorry for the way my dad spoke to you yesterday. And for him shoving you. I know it's not my fault, but it should've never happened. Do you wanna know ten things I love about you?
1. Your smile
2. Your eyes
3. How adorable you are when you sleep (How do you curl up so tiny?)
4. Your laugh
5. How engrossed you get in TV shows or books
6. Your entire personality
7. How much you look like home when you wrap up in the quilt my grandma made me
8. How excited you get about things
9. Your purr when I play with your hair
10.Every single thing about you
I can't wait to be your husband, I write, tearing the sheets out and laying them on the bed.
Maybe seeing how much I care will help. I just hate seeing that Ragnor Fell hurt him again.
Magnus is finally eating something when I come back from our room.
"Is there anything you'd like to do?" I ask.
"Whatever you want," he replies.
"No, you pick this time."
"Alec, I don't wanna do anything. Alright? I just wanna be with you because I'm a little bit more sane when I'm with you."
I wish he'd snapped at me. It wouldn't be as heartbreaking as the way his voice cracks in odd places like he might start crying.
"Okay," I whisper.
I don't like seeing him upset, especially over someone as worthless as Ragnor. I can't imagine what he's going through mentally. If I could, I might actually be a little bit of help.
He wraps himself up in my grandma's quilt and sits beside me on the couch once he's done eating. He's staring straight ahead, unblinking.
He's had three anxiety attacks by the time we go to bed. The last one was so bad he almost passed out.
I watch anxiously as he reads my letter. He looks relieved and confused.
"I thought you were gonna break up with me," he admits.
"No. You having to deal with eight years of hell—Again—is a horrible reason to break up with you," I reply, kissing him gently.
"Why do you love me so much? I know I'm fabulous but it's more like fabulously damaged."
"Because you're you."
Tonight's much the same as last night, but he doesn't lash out.
He's still a mess on New Year's Eve. I'm not sure how long to wait before checking him into therapy. He should be a little better by now, right? Or am I just wanting him to instantly be okay?
"I brought booze. Thank God for a fake ID," Jace crows, setting a bag on the kitchen table.
"Really, Jace?" I reply.
"We're gonna party our way into the new year."
Magnus finally comes into the kitchen. He looks bad. There's dark circles under his golden eyes. His skin's lost it's healthy glow. He looks a little skinnier from where he refuses to eat. Arguing about it makes him more depressed. If I'm lucky, he'll drink a protein shake. He's visibly upset right now.
"What's wrong?" I ask gently.
"Do you ever just wanna tear your own skin off because it feels like you can't get clean?" he replies.
"You think you're still dirty because of what he did?"
"I don't think. I know. I'm filthy, Alexander."
He leads me into our room.
"I-I wanna wash his touch away and I can't," he breathes, sliding his skinny jeans down.
There's patches of raw, angry-looking skin on his narrow hips, his package, his thighs, and on his perfect butt.
"You did this to yourself?" I ask.
"They're the places he touched most, and they're the dirtiest. I still don't feel clean," he replies.
"Magnus, I think you need to talk to someone about this. Like a shrink."
"I keep thinking about what he did. It's on constant repeat in my head. Am I crazy?"
"I don't know. Thank you for letting me in."
All I can do is pull him close. I thought I hated Ragnor Fell for what he put Magnus through for eight years. I hate him more for what his actions are causing Magnus to believe about himself and for what they're causing Mags to do to himself.